minniemouse25 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) Bf and I are together almost 7 years. Living together 4 years sharing place with family and im getting tired of it, i want our own place and live our own lives. Lately he was not saving for our house and seemed odd so we got into argument and he like if you think your wasting time then leave. I talked to him and said sorry then he said "just so you know I'm looking for your engagement ring, that's why I have been acting weird, I'm not going to come say I'm going out now to look for your ring." I feel like ****.I asked him if he got it yet he says "no not yet", I said " OK well just so you know if I haven't ruined it which I probably did, you do not need to spend $1000 it can be plastic", he didn't say anything. Then later tonight he was talking about us having kids, now he knows I would like to be married before having kids. You think I ruined it? He hasn't asked about Christmas gift ideas, but I'm not giving my hope on Christmas because every Christmas for longest time I thought it was it but was disappointed. Has anyone had this happen to them? Did it ruin everything? Did he change his mind? Edited November 23, 2015 by minniemouse25
Qboro90 Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 Bf and I are together almost 7 years. Living together 4 years sharing place with family and im getting tired of it, i want our own place and live our own lives. Lately he was not saving for our house and seemed odd so we got into argument and he like if you think your wasting time then leave. I talked to him and said sorry then he said "just so you know I'm looking for your engagement ring, that's why I have been acting weird, I'm not going to come say I'm going out now to look for your ring." I feel like ****.I asked him if he got it yet he says "no not yet", I said " OK well just so you know if I haven't ruined it which I probably did, you do not need to spend $1000 it can be plastic", he didn't say anything. Then later tonight he was talking about us having kids, now he knows I would like to be married before having kids. You think I ruined it? He hasn't asked about Christmas gift ideas, but I'm not giving my hope on Christmas because every Christmas for longest time I thought it was it but was disappointed. Has anyone had this happen to them? Did it ruin everything? Did he change his mind? You didn't ruin it. But if you start letting your mind wonder "is he gonna do it this weekend? Or maybe he'll do it on Christmas, I'd love that!!" Then you're only going to set yourself up to be dissapointrd and you'll start stressing him out by getting anxious and wanting him to propose. Don't make him stressed out. He's doing right by you. He's told you he wants to have a future with you and clued you in that he's looking for a ring. So you should feel safe and confident that your future with him is safe. Don't make it a ticking time bomb tho. Meaning, don't start bringing up marriage, and houses, and kids, and all that stuff more frequently now that you know he's ring shopping. That'll make this time feel like a hourglass that's ticking time. As a girl I know it's hard to resist thinking these things. But he told you he was looking because he wanted you to get off his back. You feel bad now. The best way to fix it? Love him and just act normally.
Author minniemouse25 Posted November 24, 2015 Author Posted November 24, 2015 Thanks for advice:) I don't know why but now I am feeling kinda bitter towards him because I got a feeling he is going to hold off now for another few months or even year now because he is type to just say screw it especially if he wanted that a secret. IT not fair though if he doesn't, it is not my fault really, he always was non chalant about everything, always saying one thing but no action really so obviously if he not saving like he said he was going to for our house I'm going to ask is he really serious or not. I did not ask him to tell me he was ring shopping, I hope he still is ring shopping because I do want him to marry him. Oh my I need to relax..maybe knowing this was bad idea because now I'm anxious lol
d0nnivain Posted November 24, 2015 Posted November 24, 2015 You didn't ruin anything but you do need to chill about it, at least until after Valentine's Day.
Qboro90 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Think about what you just said.... You're bitter because this man is planning to marry you... Lol. Do you want to marry HIM? Or do you just want to get married? There's a big difference. You should feel comfort and solace knowing he's actively planning on being with you forever... Not because the timeline is uncertain and might happen a few weeks later than what you hope or want. 3
CarrieT Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Think about what you just said.... You're bitter because this man is planning to marry you... Lol. Do you want to marry HIM? Or do you just want to get married? Repeated for truth! OP, why are you BITTER!?!?!? 1
lilnomar33 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Your story sounds a lot like like mine but except am the guy. Just like you we live with her family in a shared house situation that I hated I too wanted our own place to call ours but to her it wasn't that important. If we had found a place to call home I would have married her long ago but the kicker was she was pushing for marriage the last 6 months we were together. So I guess she her put a deadline in her head and when it pass she broke up with me. So please look deep inside and make sure you want to marry this man because I realized my ex was more interested in the wedding and ring than exactly being a wife worth marrying.
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Thanks for advice:) I don't know why but now I am feeling kinda bitter towards him because I got a feeling he is going to hold off now for another few months or even year now because he is type to just say screw it especially if he wanted that a secret. IT not fair though if he doesn't, it is not my fault really, he always was non chalant about everything, always saying one thing but no action really so obviously if he not saving like he said he was going to for our house I'm going to ask is he really serious or not. I did not ask him to tell me he was ring shopping, I hope he still is ring shopping because I do want him to marry him. Oh my I need to relax..maybe knowing this was bad idea because now I'm anxious lol Bad idea. my goodness, there is so much wrong with this picture, I don't even know where to start. 1
anika99 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 Think about what you just said.... You're bitter because this man is planning to marry you... Lol. Do you want to marry HIM? Or do you just want to get married? There's a big difference. You should feel comfort and solace knowing he's actively planning on being with you forever... Not because the timeline is uncertain and might happen a few weeks later than what you hope or want. She isn't bitter because he is planning to marry her, she is bitter because they have been together for 7 yrs, living together with his family for the past 4yrs and he still hasn't made any concrete moves towards getting married and getting their own place. Just because he said he was looking at engagement rings doesn't mean he was. Since he said it during their argument it's possible he just said it to illicit guilt in the OP and make himself the injured party. OP if after 7 yrs he still isn't making real plans with you (not just talk) and he is the type to punish you when you voice your concerns then I think you should consider if this is really the right person for you. 4
Qboro90 Posted November 25, 2015 Posted November 25, 2015 She isn't bitter because he is planning to marry her, she is bitter because they have been together for 7 yrs, living together with his family for the past 4yrs and he still hasn't made any concrete moves towards getting married and getting their own place. Just because he said he was looking at engagement rings doesn't mean he was. Since he said it during their argument it's possible he just said it to illicit guilt in the OP and make himself the injured party. OP if after 7 yrs he still isn't making real plans with you (not just talk) and he is the type to punish you when you voice your concerns then I think you should consider if this is really the right person for you. Well the amount of time they've been together might not mean as much as you think. How old is the OP and her bf? Doesn't look like she ever divulged that info. So if they're 25 years old and have been dating since 18 then 7 years really doesn't seem like forever because they're both still young and trying to establish their education and careers before taking on the responsibilities and severity that comes along with a house and marriage. If they're 33 years old then I could understand her being antsy. However even then, what's their financial situation? Does she work? Is his career stable? It's always easy to say "they've been together for so long, it's time already to get married otherwise she needs to re evaluate the entire relationship when so much more goes into marriage than that. The financial responsibilities that will start piling on once he pops the question are incredibly major and stressful if you're not prepared for it or have the means. He's going to drop 5-10k on a ring at the least, then it's time to look for a place to live. Mortgage payments start, down payment on a house, filling your place with furniture and remodeling what needs to be fixed, the list goes on and on and on. So while it's the bf's fault if he hadn't been saving as best he could, and she should want to discuss money management with him because that's a vital part of marriage as well so it would be a good way to see how they navigate that together, it's also clear that the BF is preparing and consciously planning to have her in his future. I literally went though this recently where my gf was just hounding me about being sick of living at home and wanting to start the next phase of her life and our relationship. All I wanted was an extra 6- 8 months because I just started working with a new company that could be a serious and very lucrative career for me if I worked hard and focused on getting off to a good start within the first months- year. I explained that I can't wait to have her as my wife but I want to make sure that our marriage starts off on the right foot where we will obviously have hurdles and obstacles to overcome but financially we are sound and know we can afford the lifestyle we each want. I think starting a marriage where you are stressed out about money and job security is only going to result in negative things that impact the two of you when it should be a time of excitement and happiness. Just another way to look at it since the info about their relationship, age, and finances were not included.
oldshirt Posted November 26, 2015 Posted November 26, 2015 My wife's XBF said exactly the same thing when he found out she was seeing me. They had been together for years and years and he was only playing lip service that they would have a future together. When they had their Dday she said she was leaving because they were in a dead-end relationship that was going nowhere and then he started saying that he wasn't going to give her the ring he had bought for her and she had just screwed up getting engaged and that now he wasn't going to go through with this big grand proposal and blah blah blah blah blah. It was all just talk to manipulate her and to twist the knife in her. While your situation may not have the hostility and contempt and the degree of manipulation that that theirs did, you are still liking being played and there probably is no ring and no proposal. Guys who want to get married and have a home and family with GFs who want to marry them do. Man-boys that just want a warm body in their bed at night and a place to deposit their sperm and want a woman around the house, shack up indefinitely with no real plans for a future. One of the greatest life-skills a person can develop is the ability to read a person's behaviors and actions and not their words. You need to develop this ability. Once you are able to read and evaluate his actions and disregard his words you will see that he is perfectly fine with the status quo and has no real intentions of marriage and home with you. His talk of ring shopping and such is just lip service to keep you hanging on and keep you from walking away and finding a man that actually wants to be with you because he knows that if you find a man that wants to be with you, you will be gone in the blink of an eye and he wont have his bed warmer and sperm depository. My wife and I were engaged in less than 6 months after she dumped him and have been married now for 20 years. And this was after she had been chasing the carrot dangled infront of her with him for almost 10 years. You need to realize people do what they want to do. This has been going on for 7 years. It is now what it is and what it is going to be. It is not going to just miraculously turn into something else. 2
oldshirt Posted November 26, 2015 Posted November 26, 2015 OK, I just read your other thread from May of 2014 where you are basically saying exactly the same thing and there has been virtually no progress for a year and a half. This is on you now. You are being naïve, silly and weak. You are being played and strung along and you have no one to blame but yourself now. You either take charge of your own life and make some necessary decisions and walk away, or you capitulate and settle into being one of those frumpy, bitter women with the little ragamuffins that have different last names than her that lives with the man-child biodad but still has to check "single" on the marital status check boxes on all the government forms.
Author minniemouse25 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Posted November 27, 2015 Thanks all We are both 27, have careers and almost have our down payment for our first house. I think he is really serious about the ring shopping because he never said that before, he would joke years ago about having me a ring but laugh and say he is joking and i would always assume every christmas for no reason it was it(my past posts). My family thinks he would not lie about taking part of the money that was for the house to go ring shopping. he is always talking about our future, when we have kids and grow old and our time lines match. Last night I was upstairs and heard his dad ask my boyfriend something and he is like "what?", his dad says "the girl upstairs your going to marry"..then silence..then his brother like "your not going to marry her?"...his dad like "huh I never meant Ally, could be anyone" bf answers his brother says "no" (umm wtf I'm only one upstairs, nothing made sense ) I'm thinking his dad got excited cause he knows proposal coming soon then my bf like shhh trying to throw her off now especially since told me he's ring shopping.
casey.lives Posted November 27, 2015 Posted November 27, 2015 well.. enlist his families help!! don't become the bad guy.... get someone else to do your bidding
sandylee1 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 If he really wanted it to be a suprise ...he wouldn't have mentioned the ring. You guys have been together long enough to make solid plans. If he brings up having kids..make it your views on this clear...marriage before kids. At this rate if you get engaged when will the wedding take place? I'd make sure it doesn't become an ultra long engagement and that the ring isn't just a pacifier. 1
oldshirt Posted November 30, 2015 Posted November 30, 2015 At this rate if you get engaged when will the wedding take place? I'd make sure it doesn't become an ultra long engagement and that the ring isn't just a pacifier. Agreed. I personally knew a gal that was a married man's side squeeze for 10 years. He bought a diamond ring, told her they were engaged and continued to stop by her place once or twice a week for booty calls for the next 10 years while he continued on with his normal married and family life. Anyone can buy a ring and say they're engaged. A true engagement has the following components - a marriage proposal, an acceptance of the proposal, and a date set for the wedding (along with all the deposits and scheduled caterers, photographers etc etc) Until there is an accepted proposal and a solid date set, there is no true engagement. anything else is just words. A ring alone does not an engagement make.
Author minniemouse25 Posted November 30, 2015 Author Posted November 30, 2015 Yes I agree if he wanted it a surprise why did he say it but he says he didn't me to think he was being selfish. He also knows no kids before marriage, I always told him if we are not married no kids. I also told him I would like to be married in 1 year...2 years max from now depending on everything then once we are married and got house and we are all settled we can try for kids. My boyfriend agreed. ONCE he does propose- which I hope is soon. I'm so anxious and excited now. We will probably just go to court house with immediate family/close friends then to dinner. I want to save as much as possible so we can nice honeymoon Today I went to people's about my necklace because I lost it some how i am sooooo upset and unfortunately protection plan doesn't cover lost or stolen jewelry. So told my bf to make sure IF he really is ring shopping to make sure the plan covers lost or stolen, boyfriend says yeah and that will cost another 500 dollars, I'm like no probably not but just saying cause I seem to lose all my jewelry but if you do propose I'm not taking ring off unless absolutely have too and even then it's will go into box , any jewelry I ever get I got to be careful .which i thought i was being but apparently not, thinking it fell off outside the chain was delicate and i had to replace it twice the four years i had it. <did that sound like I am expecting anything? I'm afraid he will hold off on proposing soon if he is planning on it if founds out I'm expecting it. How long after did your husband's propose after he started ring shopping( if you even found out he was ring shopping)?
sandylee1 Posted December 2, 2015 Posted December 2, 2015 He also knows no kids before marriage, How long after did your husband's propose after he started ring shopping( if you even found out he was ring shopping)? He knows where you stand on the kids issue...don't change your views on that. We shopped for my engagement ring within two weeks of him proposing. Our wedding rings came later. As I'm the one wearing the ring... I wanted to choose it. I choose it... he paid for it.... then he proposed again on bended knee with the ring this time.
Author minniemouse25 Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 OMG I am so excited I can not keep it in lol I actually think it may happen very soon! He bought up rings randomly last week and I'm like yeah okay whenever that going to happen I'll believe when I see it, he like oh it will happen next year some time.other day he asked me if I like a certain style of ring. NOW today we were kinda arguing and he was like "I'll kick out you out blah blah blah " I'm like OK if you kick me out because of this then your lame and if you want to then go ahead it's obviously on your mind" ...my bf says "if I wanted to really kick you out WHY would I be ring shopping," then gave him the whole spiel about how I'll believe him when it is happening because he always would tease years ago about having me a ring for Christmas and never did...my bf then says "believe me I'm not just saying it, it's getting to be that time it's happening soon ".... Omggggg lol I just hope he be willing to get married in like 9 months because I talked to my sister that lIves in new york, the time I was thinking about getting married won't work for her cause she coming here where I live in September and she won'the have money to come back again so soon so she like have it this coming September! Thinking of city hall wedding with close friends and family only (40 people ).no huge wedding. I want to spend like 2000 or less? Is that doable? :)
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