How to get girlfriend to be more open about sex?

[DoesntGetIt]

My current girlfriend doesn't like to talk about sex, and I can tell how self-conscience she is until it really gets into the heat of the moment, and then she'll typically let go and enjoy it.

 

I know she has self esteem issues about her body/weight (despite me telling her she is sexy, beautiful, gets me going, etc. in fact she gets uncomfortable when I try to explain that). I figured that out early, and she admitted it directly once. She is the type that likes the lights off, and I've tried to explain to her that seeing her naked and in passion makes it all hotter.

 

She has some toys, a vibrator and some other things. So, as I got stuff worked up today and we were heading to the bedroom, I threw out the idea of maybe we break out her toys and have some fun with those. She immediately said no and was confused why I'd even be interested in that. Fortunately, we went on to have the second best sex we've had yet. To the point of collapse on the bed in panting exhaustion after crazy orgasms sex. Which was good because it has been way too long since the last time, and the last time wasn't great (which she even admitted to being part of the reason we weren't having it lately)

 

Later, I went back to the topic of the toys and said it would be really fun to do sometime. She got uncomfortable about it and I asked if she was embarrassed talking about the fact she had toys, she said yes. I told her there is nothing to be embarrassed about at all, it is natural. She knows I don't judge, especially when it comes to sex. And that I like her and care about her, but she is still so closed off about talking about that stuff (yet will make the crudest sex jokes around friends you could imagine).

 

I am not sure how to get her more comfortable. She doesn't initiate sex, I think because she is concerned of ever getting shot down or feeling silly. And I knew from early on that she has a lower than average sex drive (mine is higher than average). Have any women felt this way? And has a guy done things to help you overcome it?

 

I just want her to be 100% comfortable with me, and to feel she can express herself, and let herself have amazing fun. I also get the feeling she has been in relationships where she was used for sex, and is more sensitive about it. I know for example in her past she hooked up with at least one married guy. Also I've have made her mad from a simple comment related to sex that was meant to be harmless, and found out later she got pissed about it.

 

I should add she is terrible at communication in all aspects (many of our mutual friends have commented on that same fact), and certainly has a fear of opening up in general. I've only seen her really open up and be vulnerable once.

[CarrieT]

You can't get someone to change who they basically are. She is uncomfortable and can't express herself well?

 

She isn't likely to change.

 

You want her to be someone she isn't... Either accept who she is or move one. Because on this particular topic, there isn't much chance you can turn her into someone she isn't.

[DoesntGetIt]

You can't get someone to change who they basically are. She is uncomfortable and can't express herself well?

 

She isn't likely to change.

 

You want her to be someone she isn't... Either accept who she is or move one. Because on this particular topic, there isn't much chance you can turn her into someone she isn't.

 

It isn't about changing, it is about being comfortable enough with the person you are with to be open and share.

 

She doesn't like PDAs, likes to give a playful punch/mess up your stuff rather than lean in and kiss, loves to bust balls and joke rather than be serious, would rather play a video game than go out a lot of time. Those are who she is and to want any of those to be different would be asking her to change.

 

This is just about being comfortable, open, vulnerable.

 

My ex, who I was with for 14 years, was pretty shy about sex and not adventurous at first. But as time went on and we became completely comfortable with each other, she opened up and was happy to talk about and try new things.

 

 

I believe a lot of people are nervous about being open about sex conversations/acts. The fear being - what if the other person isn't okay with what I say/want/feel?

[Qboro90]

Not sure if I missed it but how long have you two been together?

 

You're absolutely right in terms of wanting to communicate openly about sex and physical parts of your relationship. I think you just need to keep reassuring your Gf that you are saying this to her because you want the two of you to be together long term and if that's gonna work, she needs to be able to feel comfortable opening up to you, trusting you, and exploring with you, just like you need to feel with her.

 

Make sure you say that you're not trying or wanting to get her to do anything that she's uncomfortable with, but little things like her putting on a sex pair of underwear, matching bra and panties, would go a long way in keeping the spark arise. Tell her you've been in relationships where you both just keep doing the same things over and over and as time passes it becomes a routine and just more of a chore instead of a passionate connection between the two of you.

 

In my experience the vibrator can definitely add to the fun during sex. Best way though is to have her doggy style on the edge of the bed with you standing. That way she can hold and control the vibe on her clit while you're inside her. Don't go too fast either. It's more intense if you're just fully in or slowly pumping, while she toys her clit. She'll prolly feel better that way because she doesn't have to look at you while she does it and it's less embarrassing if she's not self confident.

 

Once she orgasms, she'll wonder why she was so opposed to it.

 

But definitely make sure you play on and over emphasize how you want to build a closeness and bond with her for your future and you want to be able to make her as happy as she makes you. If she just thinks you're constantly after kinky sex then she's gonna feel on guard and not as open. F

[Grumpybutfun]

This is about self esteem...her lack of self worth. She feels like she is less than you and there is nothing you can do about another person's self worth. The onus is on her for that.

I can only advise you since your are the active party here asking, and I know that there are things in life that you can't convince other people of...their self worth and their sex worth.

Unfortunately, mind control leads people we love to see sex as dirty, especially girls so give her space, time and patience and encourage her to talk to you about her feelings while continuing to be supportive and loving her body, her actions in bed and her beauty.

Best,

G

[Maggie4]

Great thing about sex is there is no right way to do it. The more you theorize and push, the less spontaneous and less natural it becomes.

I think some people who have been with one partner for many years, become less adaptable to variations in sexual communication. They are so used to how it was with their partner.

Don't rush it. If she is to adapt to you, she must do it at her own pace. What you try to do to make it happen, may actually slow down the process. If she is already self conscious, you'll make it worse if she starts to feel critiqued in the bedroom. It's a delicate matter.

[d0nnivain]

I just want her to be 100% comfortable with me, and to feel she can express herself, and let herself have amazing fun.

 

I should add she is terrible at communication in all aspects (many of our mutual friends have commented on that same fact), and certainly has a fear of opening up in general. I've only seen her really open up and be vulnerable once.

 

If she can't communicate in general your expectation that she be 100% comfortable with you to talk about 1 of the 2 most difficult subjects is unrealistic.

 

Trust & that level of true intimacy (not just physical sex) takes time & patience.

 

Start by getting her to open up about something small. Work up to the tough stuff. Understand that the time line for this is 4-5 YEARS.

[smackie9]

How much time are you willing to invest? This won't happen over night and like the above poster it can literally take years.

 

You are here to see how quickly you can get her to be comfortable.....expecting someone to change psychologically is tough. It all depends on how extensive the trauma she experienced. As for opening up....if her friends say this is the way she has always been, this is a part of her personality, and most likely can't change too much of that, even if she trusts you or not. Uncomfortable=anxiety.

 

On the other side of the coin if she is young like 20, sexual comfort comes with maturity, and of course that take time.

[DoesntGetIt]

Thank you for the responses. To answer Smackie, she is 27, and I think you are right on that, the older I got the more comfortable I got with talking about sex.

 

Qboro - a few months, but we had a fling a year ago, ended that, became just friends, and are now dating again. So I've known her for a little while now.

 

GrumpyButton- I hadn't quite thought of it that way, but she was jealous of me dating before we were together and brings up occasionally how I must do stuff right as I was dating and she wasn't. I'd never want her thinking she was less than me in any way.

 

I agree it is all about self-esteem, and trust, and that takes time to build. I'm just not sure how to with her.

 

I guess I will just keep being patient while trying to reassure her here and there and see if any progress is made.

[Redhead14]

My current girlfriend doesn't like to talk about sex, and I can tell how self-conscience she is until it really gets into the heat of the moment, and then she'll typically let go and enjoy it.

 

I know she has self esteem issues about her body/weight (despite me telling her she is sexy, beautiful, gets me going, etc. in fact she gets uncomfortable when I try to explain that). I figured that out early, and she admitted it directly once. She is the type that likes the lights off, and I've tried to explain to her that seeing her naked and in passion makes it all hotter.

 

She has some toys, a vibrator and some other things. So, as I got stuff worked up today and we were heading to the bedroom, I threw out the idea of maybe we break out her toys and have some fun with those. She immediately said no and was confused why I'd even be interested in that. Fortunately, we went on to have the second best sex we've had yet. To the point of collapse on the bed in panting exhaustion after crazy orgasms sex. Which was good because it has been way too long since the last time, and the last time wasn't great (which she even admitted to being part of the reason we weren't having it lately)

 

Later, I went back to the topic of the toys and said it would be really fun to do sometime. She got uncomfortable about it and I asked if she was embarrassed talking about the fact she had toys, she said yes. I told her there is nothing to be embarrassed about at all, it is natural. She knows I don't judge, especially when it comes to sex. And that I like her and care about her, but she is still so closed off about talking about that stuff (yet will make the crudest sex jokes around friends you could imagine).

 

I am not sure how to get her more comfortable. She doesn't initiate sex, I think because she is concerned of ever getting shot down or feeling silly. And I knew from early on that she has a lower than average sex drive (mine is higher than average). Have any women felt this way? And has a guy done things to help you overcome it?

 

I just want her to be 100% comfortable with me, and to feel she can express herself, and let herself have amazing fun. I also get the feeling she has been in relationships where she was used for sex, and is more sensitive about it. I know for example in her past she hooked up with at least one married guy. Also I've have made her mad from a simple comment related to sex that was meant to be harmless, and found out later she got pissed about it.

 

I should add she is terrible at communication in all aspects (many of our mutual friends have commented on that same fact), and certainly has a fear of opening up in general. I've only seen her really open up and be vulnerable once.

 

 

How long have you been with her? How old are you both?

[smackie9]

Wow she's 27 and she's still uncomfortable with sex....

 

She come from a strict religious background? Is it possible she was molested as a child?

[kpl]

Time...allow intimacy and trust to build naturally. Just don't push it she will get more comfortable eventually.

[DoesntGetIt]

How long have you been with her? How old are you both?

 

I'm 34 she's 27. We've known each other over a year, had a fling about a year ago for a couple months. She wanted that t be casual and have it be open for us to date others, although in the time neither of us did. When things started to feel more serious (pushed that way by her, she gave me a key, let me keep a couple things at her place) she panicked a bit and ended it.

 

We worked at becoming friends, wasn't easy at first, but then it worked out. And we stayed that way until a couple of months ago when she admitted she was envious of me out there dating, even though she ended it. It is one of the very few times she's ever let herself be open and vulnerable.

 

Wow she's 27 and she's still uncomfortable with sex....

 

She come from a strict religious background? Is it possible she was molested as a child?

 

Parents are not really religious. As far as the other thing, I don't know. She doesn't open up enough for me to know her past that well, just bits and pieces. All I know is she had a live in boyfriend who was pretty serious and they had been together for years and that fell apart hard, including him having a drinking problem (don't know what that entailed). And that after that time, she hooked up with one or two married guys.

 

I've looked at her facebook stuff from back before she was in that previous relationship, and to how she acts now (she doesn't use facebook these days really). You can see a personality change. She was more open, happy, outgoing back then. So something happened, maybe something more than that relationship, that made her close up. She also acts different around her few close friends from high school than any of the people she made as friends now.

 

I've considered asking her if she was ever raped/molested, since I have dated a couple of women who were (sad how common that is), but I doubt she'd admit it if she was, and would likely get weird about me even asking.

 

Time...allow intimacy and trust to build naturally. Just don't push it she will get more comfortable eventually.

 

The strange thing is, the first time we had sex was the first time we went out together alone. We went out to meet for drinks, and although we both knew there was interest both ways, I'm not sure either of us expected anything to happen that night.

 

That night she was direct with it, making moves, outgoing, didn't need any direction or suggestions. The next time was pretty good too.

 

However, the moment it turned into an actual "thing" and not just a quick one/two night stand, she immediately closed up more about it all. The moment it was something more real she couldn't just let herself go and have fun.

 

 

 

She is also one of those people that the more you get into her and show it, the more she pulls back. You pull away and she finally engages. She's also admitted to really wanting me once she didn't have me and then not being as sure once we were together. She is a confused person in some ways I guess.