second date

[tuxedo cat]

After a second date last night with a guy I met online, I'm struggling to stay in control of my anxiety. I was on the fence about him on our first date but really enjoyed my time with him this weekend. We saw a movie together that I'd been looking forward to seeing for months, then went back to his place and hung out on his roof and chatted over wine. This was the second night I spent with him. I invited him back to my place after our first date last week, which I've never done with a guy I haven't known beforehand. It was probably a mistake but I'm new to online dating. While we were in bed last night I was a little drunk and asked him what he was looking for. He said (paraphrasing) "I'm open to anything, whether it be casual or serious." He asked me what I was looking for and I replied, "I guess something more meaningful." He said, "I can do that."

 

Despite that slip, I left this morning feeling confident that he would want to see me again. He seemed nice and reliable and he had been very affectionate with me all night, even when we were out in public - wrapping his arm around my shoulders and kissing me in the theater, side-hugging me as we strolled down the street later. At various points he called me "horribly cute" and "very attractive."

 

But as the day has worn on, this anxiety is bubbling up that I'll never hear from him again. I know I just saw him this morning but I feel like if he were truly interested he would have texted me something by now, just as a follow up. Now I'm going back over the date and looking for clues about his interest or mistakes I might have made. Is it bad that he didn't mention seeing me again when we parted? He gave me a long kiss, though? Did I leave his apartment too soon? (I left at 8am because I had to meet a friend for brunch and he asked, "are you sure you can't stay?") Did I give him the impression I'm not interested? Or did I seem too interested?

 

I struggle so much with first dates because of my severe shyness, which makes it difficult for me to click with anyone at first. My best friend and I were awkward with each other for weeks/months before I finally was able to be myself around him. If we had met each other just once or twice we would have no reason to believe we'd ever be close. The problem is most people put a lot of stock in instant connections and sparks. Last night there were some pauses in our conversation, moments when we were walking together in silence. I get anxious for the guy's reaction because I know other people are less patient than I am.

 

Of course I'm being needlessly obsessive and it's not as if I'm attached to this guy, but it's just disappointing to get excited about a new person and then have to start all over again.

 

This was my fear, that once I started dating again all of my insecurities would come bubbling up. But avoiding dating isn't the way. I need to get over this somehow. I'm 32, after all. If I haven't heard from him in a couple of days should I ask him out? Should I text him today and say I enjoyed last night?

[GingerVixen]

How old is he?

 

And honestly most guys look purely for sex in online dating websites.

 

Dont be fooled by the fact he said he can be in a serious relationship. Okay theoretically he obviously can, but will he do it? It is a different thing. Men will say anything you want to hear just to have sex with you.

 

If he is interested, he will call.

If not, you will see.

BUT DONT TEXT HIM OR CALL HIM.

 

Men are used to the fact women get emotional and attached after sex

Show him you are different.

 

And I suggest you do not go to bed with guys so soon, especially if you met them online, also for safety purposes

[tuxedo cat]

How old is he?

 

And honestly most guys look purely for sex in online dating websites.

 

Dont be fooled by the fact he said he can be in a serious relationship. Okay theoretically he obviously can, but will he do it? It is a different thing. Men will say anything you want to hear just to have sex with you.

 

If he is interested, he will call.

If not, you will see.

BUT DONT TEXT HIM OR CALL HIM.

 

Men are used to the fact women get emotional and attached after sex

Show him you are different.

 

And I suggest you do not go to bed with guys so soon, especially if you met them online, also for safety purposes

 

He's 31. I met him on OKCupid, and I thought it was a little more serious leaning than Tinder, but maybe I'm wrong? Is it a waste of time for me to even bother with online dating?

 

You're very right that I slept with him too soon. Partly I find it incredibly unnatural and awkward to go on a near blind date with someone. I don't know how to proceed, and sometimes when I'm nervous I make less than ideal choices. I was tipsy when we left the bar after the first date and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But in retrospect I definitely need to not do that again.

 

If he is interested, he will call.

If not, you will see.

BUT DONT TEXT HIM OR CALL HIM.

 

What if he thinks I'm not interested, though, because of how hastily I left this morning? Please talk me out of texting him because my mind will find any way of rationalizing it!

[GingerVixen]

He's 31. I met him on OKCupid, and I thought it was a little more serious leaning than Tinder, but maybe I'm wrong? Is it a waste of time for me to even bother with online dating?

 

You're very right that I slept with him too soon. Partly I find it incredibly unnatural and awkward to go on a near blind date with someone. I don't know how to proceed, and sometimes when I'm nervous I make less than ideal choices. I was tipsy when we left the bar after the first date and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But in retrospect I definitely need to not do that again.

 

If he is interested, he will call.

If not, you will see.

BUT DONT TEXT HIM OR CALL HIM.

 

What if he thinks I'm not interested, though, because of how hastily I left this morning? Please talk me out of texting him because my mind will find any way of rationalizing it!

 

 

He will never think you were not interested because you just had sex with him!

 

He just said that when you left because he wanted your attention and he wanted to see if you were Willing to cancel your plans to stay with him.

 

Be careful with him.

And do not contact him first, you will only be doing what he is expecting you to do

[nheeya]

i agree with GingerVixen. I don't trust guys from online dating sites.

[ShyLove]

I'm dating a wonderful guy that I met on OkCupid and his boss just married someone he met on there. I also went on a date with another nice guy (just no chemistry) who was looking for something serious and he told me his old roommate just married someone from OkCupid. My Coworker also married her second husband from OkCupid and I have a friend who is engaged to someone she met on that site lol It may depend on where you live but there are lots of serious guys on there. We are all your age (except for my Coworker). This one may or may not have just been looking for sex. I would just text him since you are obsessing so that you know by the response if you should move on or not. It sounds like since he hasn't reached out in a few days he may not be as interested. If that is the case, oh well at least you can learn from this situation.

 

You may want to find ways to work on your obsessiveness and shyness (maybe plan dinner dates with friends, try new activities, working out, book clubs) before you go out on a date with someone else. Maybe putting yourself out there with friends first will boost your confidence for dating.

 

Good luck!!

[xcupid]

You're way overthinking this. Let things unfold. Let him contact you. If he's interested, he will contact you. Just because you met him on an online dating site doesn't mean he's good or bad. You have to find that out from what his actions are and not from other people's experiences.

[tuxedo cat]

I'm dating a wonderful guy that I met on OkCupid and his boss just married someone he met on there. I also went on a date with another nice guy (just no chemistry) who was looking for something serious and he told me his old roommate just married someone from OkCupid. My Coworker also married her second husband from OkCupid and I have a friend who is engaged to someone she met on that site lol It may depend on where you live but there are lots of serious guys on there. We are all your age (except for my Coworker). This one may or may not have just been looking for sex. I would just text him since you are obsessing so that you know by the response if you should move on or not. It sounds like since he hasn't reached out in a few days he may not be as interested. If that is the case, oh well at least you can learn from this situation.

 

You may want to find ways to work on your obsessiveness and shyness (maybe plan dinner dates with friends, try new activities, working out, book clubs) before you go out on a date with someone else. Maybe putting yourself out there with friends first will boost your confidence for dating.

 

Good luck!!

 

Thanks! We saw each other this morning, so it hasn't been a few days yet. I think I'll just sit tight for now. Your words are encouraging. I currently only have two friends in this city (moved to NY two years ago and have trouble meeting new ppl). There's a girl I'm friends with who just moved back to the city and asked me if I wanted to hang out with her and a group of her friends last night but I was on my date. I think I'll try to do something with her next weekend.

[tuxedo cat]

Well I didn't hear from him all day today. (We saw each other on Saturday night and I left his place on Sunday morning). I got so much conflicting advice from people around me. Every woman I spoke to advised me not to text and guys encouraged me to do the opposite. So finally at 9:30 tonight I gave in and texted. And of course immediately regretted it. I looked at my phone again 20 minutes later and no response. Haven't looked again and probably won't for the night.

 

I had been managing my anxiety pretty well with this online dating thing since I started two weeks ago, but for whatever reason this threw me off kilter. There was actually another guy I met who didn't get back to me but I was okay with that because I wasn't into him either and I also got the vibe it was mutual so I wasn't surprised. This guy just seemed like he was legitimately into me - in fact this is the first time I remember thinking a guy liked me who didn't. I had no doubt when I left his apartment yesterday morning that I'd hear from him again. I also got the sense he was trustworthy and reliable.

 

This is so silly and I can't believe I'm getting worked up over it, but I knew that I'd have to go through some hell when I started putting myself out there. I don't handle rejection well. Hopefully these experiences will thicken my skin.

 

It will just suck to spend the holidays single and have to field questions from relatives about why I don't have a baby and husband.

[SwordofFlame]

Welcome to online dating. Where both men and women can seemingly change their mind in an instant or be deceitful.

[kpl]

Well I didn't hear from him all day today. (We saw each other on Saturday night and I left his place on Sunday morning). I got so much conflicting advice from people around me. Every woman I spoke to advised me not to text and guys encouraged me to do the opposite. So finally at 9:30 tonight I gave in and texted. And of course immediately regretted it. I looked at my phone again 20 minutes later and no response. Haven't looked again and probably won't for the night.

 

I had been managing my anxiety pretty well with this online dating thing since I started two weeks ago, but for whatever reason this threw me off kilter. There was actually another guy I met who didn't get back to me but I was okay with that because I wasn't into him either and I also got the vibe it was mutual so I wasn't surprised. This guy just seemed like he was legitimately into me - in fact this is the first time I remember thinking a guy liked me who didn't. I had no doubt when I left his apartment yesterday morning that I'd hear from him again. I also got the sense he was trustworthy and reliable.

 

This is so silly and I can't believe I'm getting worked up over it, but I knew that I'd have to go through some hell when I started putting myself out there. I don't handle rejection well. Hopefully these experiences will thicken my skin.

 

It will just suck to spend the holidays single and have to field questions from relatives about why I don't have a baby and husband.

 

First off....We have got to stop with this blanket "online dating sucks" and add online dating sucks for you when ppl advise against it. It just isn't helpful for other ppl to dump their bad experiences on online dating onto everyone. We all approach things differently and the truth is ppl meet and fall in love online all the time.

 

Second, I am no prude by any means but if you were looking for something serious...bringing it up 2nd date in bed with him probably wasn't the best move. I think that question early on has no relevance to you both as a couple because bc most ppl will say yeah i might be able to do something serious but it doesn't necessarily mean with you.

 

I think what happened is this guy was smooth and said all the right things and that triggered your anxiety and caused you to slightly freak out. Which it should have. I maybe wrong but he sounds like a player and your women's intuition detected it and something inside subconsciously seemed off.

 

This guy isn't that special. You not hearing from him doesn't mean there is something wrong with you - def means something is wrong with him bc mature ppl will just let the other person know how they feel. The best thing you've got going for you - you live in an awesome city with soooo many guys! So onto the next! And at 32 this is prime dating age in NY most ppl our age are entering into serious relationships now and ppl here tend to get married mid to late thirties.

[BluEyeL]

First of all, to manage anxiety when dating, especially online, never sleep with guys so early. And also don't listen to what the men in your life (or here) advise you. It's like they always advise my women friends to do the wrong things and whatever it would be in their interest as a male, not in your interest as a female.

 

Besides not being taken seriously (and it's usually a concert of people saying that x and y and z had sex at the first date and married and lived happily ever after-but I tend to think that those are the exception, not the rule), the problem is your anxiety will shoot through the roof if you do that. Plus, if it were me, I really HATE being taken for a ride and tricked by a man out for sex and who's murmuring lies in my ear to just pump and dump me. When I was dating I vowed to never ever fall for that and this was extremely important to me. Anger rising in my chest only thinking of being treated that way by some dishonest stranger. If you are so shy and beginnings are awkward, how can not be awkward getting naked with some guy you just met? Lay off of that, I promise you'll be much better off!

 

Also, never ever drink on dates, no more than one drink max. It makes it easier for you to make bad decisions. If you are to do online dating without going nuts, follow what's good for you and what minimizes your anxiety, your chance to be taken for a fool and so on. Never worry about how the man will feel and about not being nice and blah blah blah when you know what you're doing is in your own interest and for your own good!!! Worry about you!

 

Online dating is not the culprit. People are. You are responsible for what happens to you. Get a grip, give chances to the guys who are serious about you and who don't try to get you into bed immediately, who don't love bomb you and who have great character, even if they may not be that exciting, good looking or cool. Those will bring you happiness, not the shiny objects that mimic gold but are just fake.

 

This guy will text you if he's interested. It doesn't matter how he acted on the date, it's a classic. Ignore the positives, observe the negatives in the beginning, like Evan Marc Katz says. Because he didn't text you back I gather he's not interested and it was all an act. If he's interested, he will text and he will ask you out.

 

Good luck and be strong!

Edited November 24, 2015 by BluEyeL

[tuxedo cat]

Wow, really great advice guys! Blue, I love your insight about why not to sleep with a guy so soon. It's funny but I never thought about it from that angle - how it shoots my own anxiety through the roof. I only ever just considered how it affected the guy's interest level.

 

I feel better today. I'm changing my approach. I've been meeting all of these guys at a divey bar that I picked partly because it's loud and dark, making me feel less exposed, but I'm ready to upgrade to a better establishment. I think the dive venue gives guys the wrong idea and doesn't allow me to get to know them as well.

 

The dude did respond to my text last night but it was such a lame, borderline rude response that I almost laughed when I read it.

 

My text: "Hey, I had a good time on Saturday night! We should do it again some time."

 

His: "Yes. Later this week?"

 

I just wrote back this morning with a cool "I'm flying home for Thanksgiving but will be returning on Saturday." I'm not really expecting a response to that and not sure if it's even worth seeing him again. I can't be bothered anymore with these wishy-washy guys. I thought it over and realized he's not someone I should have invested any interest in to begin with. At 31 he is in his first semester pursuing a Masters in sociology with no idea how he wants to use his degree. He isn't working...his parents are fully supporting him. I think I need to shoot for more professional and established guys. I've spent too much time in the company of guys who are passively floating through life. This has been a great learning experience for me and I love how it's compacted learning since I've been seeing multiple guys at once.

 

Gonna take a break for Thanksgiving and start meeting more guys when I return.

Edited November 24, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[BluEyeL]

Tuxedo, his answer was fine. Wasn't rude. He wants to meet. It's good news. Now it's time to set up a date. Saturday or Sunday should be fine. I think you were overthinking this a bit. Be patient and calm down.

 

yes, sleeping with someone soon makes you more anxious. The interest level can go down sometimes, but if the guy's goals for himself weren't that serious it really doesn't matter what you do. If he is not serious, if you sleep with him, he'll leave eventually, if you don't sleep with him, he'll still leave. Only some of the more serious men mayl not take you seriously because of that. But others will still be fine with that, there are some who don't have double standards for women and that's when we have those examples of had sex early but it still worked out.

 

It's a good idea to meet for coffee for first dates, to eliminate the possibility of over-drinking. And future dates, when you do dinner, limit yourself to one glass.

 

All it matters is that the guy keeps asking you out at least every week and the relationship progresses. Ignore the texting stuff in between and have conversations in person. On the phone would be good too. Don't overthink. Assume the guy likes you. Hope you set up a date and it goes well.

[tuxedo cat]

Tuxedo, his answer was fine. Wasn't rude. He wants to meet. It's good news. Now it's time to set up a date. Saturday or Sunday should be fine. I think you were overthinking this a bit. Be patient and calm down.

 

yes, sleeping with someone soon makes you more anxious. The interest level can go down sometimes, but if the guy's goals for himself weren't that serious it really doesn't matter what you do. If he is not serious, if you sleep with him, he'll leave eventually, if you don't sleep with him, he'll still leave. Only some of the more serious men mayl not take you seriously because of that. But others will still be fine with that, there are some who don't have double standards for women and that's when we have those examples of had sex early but it still worked out.

 

It's a good idea to meet for coffee for first dates, to eliminate the possibility of over-drinking. And future dates, when you do dinner, limit yourself to one glass.

 

All it matters is that the guy keeps asking you out at least every week and the relationship progresses. Ignore the texting stuff in between and have conversations in person. On the phone would be good too. Don't overthink. Assume the guy likes you. Hope you set up a date and it goes well.

 

I just realized the text I actually sent him was a bit more forward. "Hey, I had a good time on Saturday! Want to do it again some time?" Not sure if that makes his response any more rude.

 

#overthinkingitsince1983

 

But yeah, we'll see if he sets up a time (I messaged him two hours ago and he has yet to respond but it's morning and he's probably in school). If not there will be other guys.

 

I like the idea of grabbing coffee with future guys. That concept is kind of foreign to me. I've never actually done it, only heard people refer to it as a thing that people do, but maybe it will improve things.

Edited November 24, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[Jejangles]

You have received some great advice here! All I can say as a fellow anxious dater is yes, don't jump into bed with guys too early! It really does ramp up the anxiety even more so than regular dating. Some of the stuff this guy said does sound a bit "player like" to me - I dated / slept with a guy in May who said and did very similar things. So tread cautiously, give it time and protect your heart until you know him a little better.

[Redhead14]

One way to "recover" from sleeping with someone too soon is to make sure the next few dates are public dates and don't go back to each other's houses. Just to let that dust settle and observe whether or not he continues to date you.

 

The fact that you did go to bed with him and he is maintaining contact is a good sign, but he needs to actually take you out again fairly soon, at least in the next week. If he just keeps texting and calling without asking to see you for a while, he's just keeping you on a string. Or if he keeps in contact, etc. and only wants to have you come to his place for dinner, etc. all the time, that's not cool either at this point.

 

When he's consistent with communication and seeing you and you're feeling more comfortable, then you sleep with him again if you want.

[Shining One]

And also don't listen to what the men in your life (or here) advise you. It's like they always advise my women friends to do the wrong things and whatever it would be in their interest as a male, not in your interest as a female.

Never worry about how the man will feel and about not being nice and blah blah blah when you know what you're doing is in your own interest and for your own good!!! Worry about you!

So your advice boils down to: Ignore all advice provided by the opposite sex and be self-centered and uncaring about the other person's feelings. I know I would not want a partner who exhibits these traits and I'm fairly sure my girlfriend would not want me if I exhibited them myself.

[tuxedo cat]

As an update, I saw him a third time a week ago and realized that my interest in him has fizzled. There are a number of things that turn me off, but mostly I feel a bit used. He makes little effort get to know me when we're together and barely keeps in touch between dates.