insert_name Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Very interesting. I've said before that this kid in the candy store effect is exactly how women become serial daters online. This is not gender-bashing, it is simply what I have observed in the years I did online dating. A horrendous amount of girls I met through OLD were multi dating. There are just too many options online, too many guys filling up their inbox, so a lot of women move from date to date with pretty decent guys, never settling on any of them, and sadly never finding a real relationship because they're always looking toward the next guy in their inbox. Some women I had one and done dates have remained active on those sites for months or years after I was done with them. It has nothing to do with not meeting any quality men, it's about women having too many options to choose from and refusing to make a choice. The one and done (imo) is what is killing OLD and like you I see the same, dates I have had where I felt I was interested to get to know that girl more and yet she disappears after 1 date and is still on that dating site a year later no doubt looking for something that she will struggle to find. I was speaking to some friends who are in successful long term relationships and they couldn't believe how OLD works when I told them my experience. Their relationships all came from getting to know their partner over the course of a number of meets, typically via their friendship group. They struggled with the concept that we can be so sure that someone is not right for them after a first date that lasts an hour. I was glad I wasn't the only one that considers this whole easy come easy go dating cycle counter intuitive. It really seems like its all or nothing on that first date, for the women at least. So much is said about 'spark' on the first date and again, my friends (in successful relationships) had no concept of 'spark' or 'chemistry'- their love was a gradual thing through getting to know the person. I also read on another relationship forum some older women (40s) giving some advice to a younger woman (20s) that it is a fallacy that successful relationships are not built on instant attraction, it feels like that when you are young but for long term happiness and compatibility spark does not come into it - quite enlightening to hear that as the words 'spark' and 'chemistry' are often thrown around here with reckless abandon and that, for me, is why you end up with OLD being a poor experience for everyone. The women have so many options and are living for instantaneous attraction otherwise they will judge their date harshly after only an hour in their company and spin the wheel of fortune again and move on. The only people who really profit are the players at the top who get to pump and dump which ruins the online dating eco-system for everyone. 1
oberkeat Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 The one and done (imo) is what is killing OLD and like you I see the same, dates I have had where I felt I was interested to get to know that girl more and yet she disappears after 1 date and is still on that dating site a year later no doubt looking for something that she will struggle to find. I was speaking to some friends who are in successful long term relationships and they couldn't believe how OLD works when I told them my experience. Their relationships all came from getting to know their partner over the course of a number of meets, typically via their friendship group. They struggled with the concept that we can be so sure that someone is not right for them after a first date that lasts an hour. I was glad I wasn't the only one that considers this whole easy come easy go dating cycle counter intuitive. It really seems like its all or nothing on that first date, for the women at least. So much is said about 'spark' on the first date and again, my friends (in successful relationships) had no concept of 'spark' or 'chemistry'- their love was a gradual thing through getting to know the person. I also read on another relationship forum some older women (40s) giving some advice to a younger woman (20s) that it is a fallacy that successful relationships are not built on instant attraction, it feels like that when you are young but for long term happiness and compatibility spark does not come into it - quite enlightening to hear that as the words 'spark' and 'chemistry' are often thrown around here with reckless abandon and that, for me, is why you end up with OLD being a poor experience for everyone. The women have so many options and are living for instantaneous attraction otherwise they will judge their date harshly after only an hour in their company and spin the wheel of fortune again and move on. The only people who really profit are the players at the top who get to pump and dump which ruins the online dating eco-system for everyone. I've had the same conversation with some of my married friends who met via traditional means, and they expressed the same shock over the type of behavior that is commonplace on OLD. A friend asked how one of my dates went, and when I told her that she flaked after the first date, she was like, "what the hell?" She couldn't believe that women flaking after the first date, or even prior to the first date is a regular occurrence with OLD. Some people are fortunate and will never have to know the hell of online dating.
Myragal Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I've had the same conversation with some of my married friends who met via traditional means, and they expressed the same shock over the type of behavior that is commonplace on OLD. A friend asked how one of my dates went, and when I told her that she flaked after the first date, she was like, "what the hell?" She couldn't believe that women flaking after the first date, or even prior to the first date is a regular occurrence with OLD. Some people are fortunate and will never have to know the hell of online dating. She couldn't believe it? After reading your uplifting and positive postings, nobody here would be at all surprised with a woman flaking on you after a first date. OLD is hell for you. Again, absolutely no surprise. Others have found their partners so OLD far from hell for them. Could you share more of your happy thoughts with us?
SwordofFlame Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Of course meeting someone through friends is preferable. The main reason people resort to online dating is because they're not having much success meeting people offline. OLD is far from perfect but you can have success through it.
insert_name Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I've had the same conversation with some of my married friends who met via traditional means, and they expressed the same shock over the type of behavior that is commonplace on OLD. A friend asked how one of my dates went, and when I told her that she flaked after the first date, she was like, "what the hell?" She couldn't believe that women flaking after the first date, or even prior to the first date is a regular occurrence with OLD. Some people are fortunate and will never have to know the hell of online dating. Yep, I notice that it is mainly the women who make a big thing about first impressions and seeing as they have infinite options it must be easy and logical for them to ghost so easily (and rudely). Obviously, sometimes people from OLD just don't find you attractive or whatever. But given the number of times I have had what seemed to me really good dates that didn't lead to a second I wonder if I'm being given a fair chance sometimes or written off prematurely. I found myself thinking that the Daily Mash (of all things) got it spot on when they did a satire piece recently about a woman who seeks to meet nice men off OLD that she could reject because of a minor thing that wasn't quite right and then proceed to laugh about it with her friends in a wine bar while feeling like she was a character in a glossy American sitcom called something like 'Lady Lawyers'. I even had female friends who OLD sheepishly admit that that rather depressing caricature could have been based on them. 1
insert_name Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 She couldn't believe it? After reading your uplifting and positive postings, nobody here would be at all surprised with a woman flaking on you after a first date. OLD is hell for you. Again, absolutely no surprise. Others have found their partners so OLD far from hell for them. Could you share more of your happy thoughts with us? I don't think venting on the internet defines someone. Surprisingly, some people are self-aware enough that they can put their best foot forward on a date and leave the internet as the place where they express their negativity. 2
littlez360 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I don't think venting on the internet defines someone. Surprisingly, some people are self-aware enough that they can put their best foot forward on a date and leave the internet as the place where they express their negativity. Nail got hit square on the head there...
oberkeat Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 She couldn't believe it? After reading your uplifting and positive postings, nobody here would be at all surprised with a woman flaking on you after a first date. OLD is hell for you. Again, absolutely no surprise. Others have found their partners so OLD far from hell for them. Could you share more of your happy thoughts with us? First, if you think that flaking and ghosting under any circumstance is perfectly OK and understandable, I'm afraid we don't have much to say to each other. It is indicative of low character pure and simple. Even with women I didn't like, I was man enough to let them know I didn't think it was a good fit. Some responded gracefully and some didn't. You mentioned yourself that if someone doesn't post adequate photos, have skills to write an interesting profile, have sense to compose a unique and catchy first contact message, present oneself well in person...then that is nothing to do with anything being wrong with OLD. What you don't seem to understand is you can do all of these things and still be treated with disrespect by serial daters and women with poor taste. I speak from experience. I've been far more positive, reliable and genuine than most of the women I've met through OLD.
BlueIris Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 There is almost nothing less appealing than a negative guy who thinks I’m too stupid to see that he’s negative.
Under The Radar Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I'm on "Christian Mingle" and "Farmers Only". It's somewhat strange as I'm Jewish and have little to no interest in tractors, livestock, and corn fields ...... but what hell ...... in times like these it's important to think outside the box 2
littlez360 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 I'm on "Christian Mingle" and "Farmers Only". It's somewhat strange as I'm Jewish and have little to no interest in tractors, livestock, and corn fields ...... but what hell ...... in times like these it's important to think outside the box I've clarified that I'm anti-OLD But this made me laugh... "No I met her at a funeral..." -Wedding Crashers
Imajerk17 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 (edited) OLD sites are a tool for meeting people, no more and no less. A big disadvantage of online dating is that people tend to write off their OLD connections too quickly, but when you think about it, it is hard to imagine it working any other way. I mean, if you date someone from work or from social circle, the attraction is usually ALREADY there before you date them. The spark might have been there from the beginning or it might have come over time, but it typically was there *by the time you actually start dating*. If you get a lot of attention online and you try not to go so hard by someone's profile or first-date chemistry, it will mean going on a lot of first dates with random people you have no special reason to believe you'll connect with, or going on a lot of second dates that you're already aren't excited about. Most people don't have time for that. So people doing OLD tend to go by initial impressions as that is all they have to go on. These might or might not have much to do with whether someone really would make a good partner for someone, but it is what it is. I try to give someone two dates. I know for myself though, while I have felt attraction grow for someone I've known a while, it happened unexpectedly. It's never happened by going out on date after date with someone trying to find a spark. Edited November 29, 2015 by Imajerk17
One_Made_of_Silver Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 OLD sites are a tool for meeting people, no more and no less. A big disadvantage of online dating is that people tend to write off their OLD connections too quickly, but when you think about it, it is hard to imagine it working any other way. I mean, if you date someone from work or from social circle, the attraction is usually ALREADY there before you date them. The spark might have been there from the beginning or it might have come over time, but it typically was there *by the time you actually start dating*. If you get a lot of attention online and you try not to go so hard by someone's profile or first-date chemistry, it will mean going on a lot of first dates with random people you have no special reason to believe you'll connect with, or going on a lot of second dates that you're already aren't excited about. Most people don't have time for that. So people doing OLD tend to go by initial impressions as that is all they have to go on. These might or might not have much to do with whether someone really would make a good partner for someone, but it is what it is. I try to give someone two dates. I know for myself though, while I have felt attraction grow for someone I've known a while, it happened unexpectedly. It's never happened by going out on date after date with someone trying to find a spark. Sounds like people who can't meet potential partners through work or friends are really in between a rock and a hard place. It's tough.
oberkeat Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 OLD sites are a tool for meeting people, no more and no less. A big disadvantage of online dating is that people tend to write off their OLD connections too quickly, but when you think about it, it is hard to imagine it working any other way. I mean, if you date someone from work or from social circle, the attraction is usually ALREADY there before you date them. The spark might have been there from the beginning or it might have come over time, but it typically was there *by the time you actually start dating*. If you get a lot of attention online and you try not to go so hard by someone's profile or first-date chemistry, it will mean going on a lot of first dates with random people you have no special reason to believe you'll connect with, or going on a lot of second dates that you're already aren't excited about. Most people don't have time for that. So people doing OLD tend to go by initial impressions as that is all they have to go on. These might or might not have much to do with whether someone really would make a good partner for someone, but it is what it is. I try to give someone two dates. I know for myself though, while I have felt attraction grow for someone I've known a while, it happened unexpectedly. It's never happened by going out on date after date with someone trying to find a spark. It's not possible to go on first dates with guys for years, as many of these girls are, sometimes going on several dates in the same week, and not have a connection with any of them. That is not possible. Not unless they are in permanent dating mode, where they think there's always other options and you have to keep meeting guys until you find one that is absolutely perfect. That is the serial dating mindset we're talking about, and unfortunately the mindset that is keeping many men and women single and frustrated with OLD.
Myragal Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Sounds like people who can't meet potential partners through work or friends are really in between a rock and a hard place. It's tough. There are lots of alternatives for men with confidence and initiative. I get asked out about twice a week via dance lessons or Meet Up groups. Perhaps once a month at other venues. We hear 'forever' about people bemoaning that they can't meet men or women. A thousand threads. Beats me why many don't get out and go to where there are other single adults. If some guy was to to attend one of our hiking groups I could introduce him to a dozen attractive, fit women. Instead...I suspect many guys are at home on the sofa or playing video games.
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