Lottie86 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 (edited) Hey all, Need some advice please. I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks but he's suddenly gone cold and I don't really understand why We're both in our late 20's / early 30's and have known each other since our teens (we went to college together) but lost touch and started texting each other a few months ago. I've seen him three times in the past month, all at my house. He comes over and we watch TV and talk and drink wine. The second time he came over, we made out for an hour or so but didn't go any further and then he came over last weekend and we made out, had some foreplay but didn't have sex. After foreplay he seemed to get quite quiet and I put it down to him being tired. We both agreed we didn't want this to be about sex and that we really liked each other etc. He's got a lot of family problems at the moment, his parents split up and his Dad is going through some troubles and his head is a bit of a mess. I've started to feel him pull away, not texting back or keeping the conversation going, not replying to my messages etc. Well on Thursday evening I was out with some friends and drunk texted him in the early hours of the morning, I could see he was online on Facebook but didn't reply. I texted him Friday morning to apologise (I didn't say anything bad, just the standard "I'm so drunk etc") and again he didn't reply. So I sent him a message on Facebook asking if we could talk; he replied, I apologised and we talked for maybe 10 minutes. I told him I thought he had lost interest over the past week and he said "I don't think I have" and I said that maybe I am texting him too much but I just feel like he's pulled back and I must be over compensating) and he put "LOL, I know that feeling, we're fine, I promise) None of his messages had kisses on the end and all of his messages usually do. And then he stopped replying. We haven't spoken since (48 hours now) I'm thinking I scared him off by being too eager. But he was texting me and telling me how he could see us together and that he doesn't want to mess it up and me move on to someone else but I don't know what to do now. My friends are saying to not contact him and see if he gets in touch but I don't think he will (he's pretty crappy at replying and keeping in contact at the best of times) and I am hesitant to message him again because he has pulled back so much. Any suggestions? Edited November 22, 2015 by Lottie86
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Whatever the reason, it all comes down to he doesn't want to continue with this. When people start to ignore you, they want you to go away but don't have the ballz to say so. Look at it this way, you are free to meet someone who really wants a relationship. I don't think he ever wanted one....I think he just wanted a release, but decided it would be best not to hurt you that way and find someone else. Tip: going out on dates and not "hanging out" shows true interest in a relationship. 1
allez102 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 My friends are saying to not contact him and see if he gets in touch but I don't think he will (he's pretty crappy at replying and keeping in contact at the best of times) You've answered your own question, OP. I would try no contact anyway - pull away, and give him the opportunity to miss you. If he doesn't initiate contact then you have your answer, he just isn't that into you. His loss! But if you continue contacting him you will push him away further and he is already giving you the classic 'cooling off' signs with the lack of kisses, 'lol we're fine', etc etc. Good luck!
KatZee Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Yeah, I'm not sure if you've had any sort of conversation with this guy, but merely hanging at your house to watch movies and make out isn't dating. It's basically just teetering on FWB territory, especially when he's not even good at keeping in touch and goes MIA for days. He's not interested in seriously dating you. I also wasn't thrilled with his response of, "I don't think I've lost interest." What does that mean, he doesn't "think" so? It's not a complicated question, and he didn't really answer it straight on, but danced around it. A guy going cold is never a good sign. It means he's not interested. Guys who are into the girls they're dating don't do this. If a guy alternates hot and cold, he's not really that into her either. It could be because of his family issues, or he could be using that as an excuse, who knows. Either way, don't reach out to him again. You've already explained to him that you feel him pulling away and that you think he's losing interest. To any other guy who was interested, you'd see a step forward, with him initiating, and making you know and see that he was still interested. Instead, he dropped off again, two days later and he's still MIA. If he was never the one initiating or keeping in contact, even from the BEGINNING, you've just been chasing after a dude who doesn't want to be caught. I say let him stay lost. Guys like this are a waste of time, whatever issues he has are his problems and it shows he's emotionally unavailable or just not interested in you.
Glitters Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 If someone asks or voluntarily gives ' space ' or ' mini break to sort out ' , let them have all the time in the world. It's manipulation tactic.
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 If someone asks or voluntarily gives ' space ' or ' mini break to sort out ' , let them have all the time in the world. It's manipulation tactic. Yes and no. It can also be a means to passively reject/dump someone. In this case he is too much of a coward to end it IMO.
Author Lottie86 Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 Thanks all for your replies. I must admit it's what I was thinking but didn't want to admit to myself. I think the thing I am finding most difficult is I don't know what has changed and why suddenly he's gone cold. I've asked him if he wants space whilst all this drama goes on with his family, if he wants to stop or pause whatever he and I are and he said "No, I don't want to lose you and you get snapped up by someone else and having this makes me happy and gives me something to fight through all this crap for" I've offered him an out two or three times, told him that I will leave him be and that if he isn't into me then he just has to tell me and he's always said he doesn't want to stop. And I guess that's why I am so confused now.
xcupid Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Leave him be for the time being. An occasional text (other than drunk text) is okay to let him know you're still there for him. Let him work out his "stuff" in the meantime. If he's interested he'll come back.
Lois_Griffin Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Lottie, the guy put NO effort into this thing at all. All he did was get in his car and drive over to your house to 'hang out," drink wine and hopefully get sex. THAT was his mission. Guys who are truly interested in you don't just hang out on your couch to make out and see how far they can get with you sexually. They make an effort to spend quality time with you, like taking you to dinner or lunch or a museum or a walk in the park or ice skating, etc. etc. He never did any of that. Just came over to see how far he'd get each time he visited. You may think it was a mutual decision to hold off on sex "because we both like each other and didn't want it to be about sex," but it wasn't. He was clearly bummed out that you'd stopped him but he gave you lip service and told you he agreed with you just to keep the peace. But he didn't agree at all and wanted to have sex that night. After he left that night, he decided it just wasn't worth all the work getting sex from you, so he started dong a fade on you. He won't admit that's exactly what happened, but it's what happened. He's as transparent as glass. 1
Glitters Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Manipulation tactic in the sense that he actually wants sex but is playing the cool card so that OP opens up more about the idea. It could be many things but since he has played the hot/ cold card , we can only assume what he really is up to !
brokengirl85 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Hello Lottie, My suggestion is to stopo messaging him. You're giving him mixed signals because , on one side you said you don't want this relationship to be all about sex, but on the other hand you only meet at your home, you make out and that's all you do. Then, you drunk texted him, then apologized...I honestly think this guy may not know how to react right now. So, give him some time to reflect, in the meantime, do your own things and don't text him. Let this flow. This is my advice, and I hope everything turns out good for you two. 1
Maggie4 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 He only saw you 3 times past month. You said he went cold, but he was never that hot to begin with. Who reached out to get back in touch? You can pull back and wait for him to contact you, and he might do that when it suits him, but it still wouldn't mean he's on the same page as you.
Author Lottie86 Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 Thanks again everyone for your replies. We live about an hour away from each other. The first get together was a catch up because we haven't seen each other in years. He got back in contact with me. He did seem very keen to start with, texting me a lot, asking to see me, planning dates, saying all the right things..... And then since last week I have felt him pull back which has made me make more of an effort, be light and breezy and fun and try to get him to open up. I don't know whether he's pulling away because of all his family stuff or whether he just isn't interested anymore.
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 I don't think it's fair of him to keep you dangling out when he can't get it together. Don't invest in him, keep your options open. If you meet someone new, you didn't waste your time waiting around for him....if he comes around then it was meant to be.
Maggie4 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 The thing is, there was no real dating, as in courting. So it's not clear at all what his intentions are.
Author Lottie86 Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 No there isn't. We'd planned on going out next weekend (dinner and cinema) but I very much doubt that will happen now. It's frustrating. I thought it was going well and now...nothing.... So I'm going to take everyone's advice and do nothing and see whether he bothers to get in touch and if not, then at least I know where I stand.
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