It's been officially a year

[geronimo]

So today it is officially a year since my breakup and the last time I ever held and kissed my ex gf. She was my first love and we were together for almost 5 years. Long story short, she left me for another guy and blamed it on her parents/religion. Worst part is she still denies that she left me for him (No I don't talk to her anymore but we got in contact in July and I talked to her about this then, but have been in complete NC ever since).

 

I can say that the days do get better, I don't miss her as much and think about her all the time like I used to. A part of me realized that I don't need someone that doesn't need me and that if she can so easily just replace me when she meant the world to me, is just wrong and it's not love.

 

But the thing is there are still days, like today, that I miss her like crazy. I truly thought this girl was the love of my life. I haven't dated much ever since the breakup because I just end up comparing everyone to her and it just feels worse. I just wished this never happened, cuz I know I can't take her back if she ever did come back. But I don't think she will, and I was told by a friend who still has her on Instagram that she deleted all of our pictures off of it. I know it doesn't mean much but it did still hurt.

 

I just want to message her and tell her that I still love her and miss her so much. I know it's a bad idea but I'm getting to a point where I just don't care anymore. She was really special and I would be stupid to deny that and I feel like I'm never gonna find anyone like her.

 

If anyone's been in my position, do you have any advice? What should I do? Should I just msg her, try to be friends and win her back, now that it has been a while? I was the one that cut contact from her she wanted to be friends but I said no. I do know some people who got back together by staying friends. But yea please help

[Amelie1980]

That's a year wasted when she is out having sex with someone else and enjoying her life with another man.

 

How many more are you going to waste?

 

Enough.

[geronimo]

I know, I'm trying to get past it but nothing I do helps. Idk wtf to do anymore, I do need to forget her and move on but I just can't.

 

P.s. I don't think she's having sex, I could be naive and be wrong about it but we didn't do it because she wanted to wait till marriage but I could be wrong.

 

Also, I was 90% sure that her and the guy broke up because she posted all these things on tumblr about breakups and quotes about people not being who they seem, etc etc, essentially things I used to post when she broke up with me.

[Amelie1980]

I know, I'm trying to get past it but nothing I do helps. Idk wtf to do anymore, I do need to forget her and move on but I just can't.

 

P.s. I don't think she's having sex, I could be naive and be wrong about it but we didn't do it because she wanted to wait till marriage but I could be wrong.

 

Also, I was 90% sure that her and the guy broke up because she posted all these things on tumblr about breakups and quotes about people not being who they seem, etc etc, essentially things I used to post when she broke up with me.

 

That makes things worse. If they have broken up....she still hasnt come back to you. What does that tell you?

 

It's actually quite juvenile to post on social media about break ups. You would never know from my facebook that I had ever had a break up and yet I have truly suffered.

 

I want my ex back. The problem is he doesnt want me. He used me for sex until found someone else he wanted and lying about his intentions.

 

Go out an meet someone else. She isnt coming back,

[makemineamac]

Those are all terrible ideas. What is it going to take to shift your focus from her to you?

 

If I was in the position you're in a year after my breakup I'd be seriously concerned.

 

You've had a year of opportunities to work on yourself, meet people, grow, learn, and it appears instead you are still focusing on the past.

 

Have you talked to a counsellor or spent any time working this out with a professional?

 

She's clearly not thinking of you, so why are you thinking about her?

 

This all ends when you say it does. As Amelie says, enough!

 

Wish you the best.

[marky00]

Oh i hear u buddy.

 

I think its the part where someone apparently doesn't care at all that hurts more then the fact they are not coming back.

 

I mean if u found out they had regrets and really missed you (but they still weren't planning on coming back), that would probably give you a big ego boost.

 

I think this is why dumpees suffer way more than dumpers. Sure you both mourn the loss of the realtionship, the dumper deals with guilt, but the dumpee takes a serious ego hit (especially when they idiolised the person the gave the killer blow to the ego).

[geronimo]

That makes things worse. If they have broken up....she still hasnt come back to you. What does that tell you?

 

I want my ex back. The problem is he doesnt want me. He used me for sex until found someone else he wanted and lying about his intentions.

 

Go out an meet someone else. She isnt coming back,

 

Yea it does, I feel ****tier thinking about the fact that she didn't come back, but that could be cuz she's the type that breaks up and makes up alot. But yea it still sucks that she's not thinking about me at all and I know deep down inside that she isn't coming back, but I still want her to even if we don't end up being together again. I guess I'm in the same position as you, I want her back but she clearly doesn't want me.

 

Those are all terrible ideas. What is it going to take to shift your focus from her to you?

 

Have you talked to a counsellor or spent any time working this out with a professional?

 

She's clearly not thinking of you, so why are you thinking about her?

 

This all ends when you say it does. As Amelie says, enough!

 

Wish you the best.

 

I'm really trying to shift the focus and you're right I do need to talk to a counsellor and I have finally booked an appointment, hopefully it helps. Like I said before I'm sure she doesn't think about me but that makes no difference on how I feel for her. I know it needs to end and its been a year, but all the emotions and the fact that she was my first gf and we were together since 17 and we grew up together and everything just makes it so much harder to let go of, and knowing that it was so easy for her to do is so f*cking sh*tty.

 

Oh i hear u buddy.

 

I think its the part where someone apparently doesn't care at all that hurts more then the fact they are not coming back.

 

I mean if u found out they had regrets and really missed you (but they still weren't planning on coming back), that would probably give you a big ego boost.

 

I think this is why dumpees suffer way more than dumpers. Sure you both mourn the loss of the realtionship, the dumper deals with guilt, but the dumpee takes a serious ego hit (especially when they idiolised the person the gave the killer blow to the ego).

 

Yea man you nailed it 100% thats exactly how I feel. Its having your ego shattered and the fact that it was so easy for them to do that to you that sucks so much. And yea its the fact that after everything we went through and the fact that we had a really good relationship, even she agrees to that, but still she doesn't care, and she would rather have her ****ty relationship with this good for nothing guy vs being with me.

[makemineamac]

So, again, you're not getting her back, and she's not coming back. That seems clear.

 

And you're not going to get a grand apology, or a thank you for the time you spent. It's unfortunate but it's not going to happen.

 

Trust me, you affected her. You did. I'm sure she is grateful for the time you spent, but isn't going to communicate it. That sucks, but it's reality. You had a relationship which was great for however long and it's now over. Be thankful for what you had.

 

There's a great Dido song that talks about this, it's called See The Sun. It's about someone who is trying to help her friend get over someone he loved. Some of the lines from that song are:

 

"You probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day, but I promise you you'll see the sun again."

 

"Please don't mourn forever, she's not coming back."

 

And this line is what helped me years ago get over a very sad ending to a major relationship of 8 years:

 

In reference to the ex:

"Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all

You said one day with this was worth dying for.

 

So be thankful you knew her at all.

 

But it's no more."

 

That song did help me see the sun again. But that's just me. The point is she put into words what I needed to hear, that I should be thankful for what I had, acknowledge the fact that she's gone for good, and move on. A great message, but to each his own.

 

So, we can appreciate the time we had with these people, but for everyone involved it's no more. It needs to be that for you too. You need to live for you.

 

So when you think about everything a year later, what would be the best revenge that you could possibly exact? Honestly?

 

Would it be to become the best person you can be?

 

Would it be to let it go and do everything in your power to stop letting someone who is not interested in you stop affecting you?

 

Would it be to open yourself up to well, anything? Would it?

 

It's a year, it's time for you now! Not her! She doesn't matter anymore.

 

You can do this. Start today!

Edited November 23, 2015 by makemineamac

[ravfour4]

I'm in a similar-ish situation and I think you may have read my story about my ex of 4 years, your name looks familiar.

 

I was obsessed with my ex of 4 years, when we met I thought she was perfect inside and out and fell in love at first sight. That amazing feeling continued for about 3.5 years until things went to **** and she betrayed me worse than I thought anyone could at the worst possible time to do it. That was last Jan.

 

She led me on and I followed willingly for 5 months after that, we finally stopped talking late August, although she reached out to me multiple times since then (up until mid Oct). I didn't respond because I was FINALLY feeling a bit better AND had met someone new that I actually wanted to pursue, but I still thought about her often - just not in such a sad or emotional way.

 

Now, me and the new girl broke up after a month or two of dating. I have a desire to reach out to my ex, in a friendly way, I miss her as I never felt such a close or sincere connection to anyone and my new recent ex just didn't do it for me like my old ex did. I know the ex of 4 years has a new bf tho and I have zero desire to feel the way I did before, so I won't do it, but I understand the desire.

 

Stop looking at your ex's Facebook etc and go on some dates, just force yourself. That's what I did and after a few I met someone who interested me enough that I forgot about my ex. Well, I didn't forget, but it pushed her to the back of my mind.

[nheeya]

It's okay to send her a message to express how you feel. But don't expect any reply so you will not get hurt if she wont. Time heals.

[mightycpa]

You are never going to forget her, so don't waste your time on that. Rather, what you have to do is devalue her. That's where the gold is buried.

 

In the end, she's just another human being. Not the worst, I'm sure, and I'm equally sure not the best. You're now free to do things without her that you were not free to do before. I'm sure some of that has to appeal to you.. don't try to weigh the two things yet, just appreciate that you can do things you could not before, and do some of them.

 

Make her absence count for something good.

[ManyDissapoint]

Sir, you never had sex with your ex for FIVE years? That's really bad news which I won't talk about but the good news is that in your case you could definitely overwrite your chemical wiring by having some sex.

[geronimo]

So when you think about everything a year later, what would be the best revenge that you could possibly exact? Honestly?

 

Would it be to become the best person you can be?

 

Would it be to let it go and do everything in your power to stop letting someone who is not interested in you stop affecting you?

 

Would it be to open yourself up to well, anything? Would it?

 

It's a year, it's time for you now! Not her! She doesn't matter anymore.

 

You can do this. Start today!

 

Thank you for that. And yea I do agree, the best revenge would be success and to become a better person. Honestly I am really trying to do that, I have been hitting the gym (have lost 50 lbs since my breakup with her), I have been trying to open up to people, I went on a couple dates and honestly they just left me feeling like **** cuz I legit had no connection with these people.

 

I know she doesn't matter anymore and she's in the past, I have acknowledged that and the fact that she is probably never coming back, but it still hurts and for some reason I can't move past the hurt. I also feel like I'm never going to find anyone like her cuz she was pretty much exactly the type of person I want to be with (physically, emotionally and in terms of culture/family and moral values).

[geronimo]

I'm in a similar-ish situation and I think you may have read my story about my ex of 4 years, your name looks familiar.

 

I was obsessed with my ex of 4 years, when we met I thought she was perfect inside and out and fell in love at first sight. That amazing feeling continued for about 3.5 years until things went to **** and she betrayed me worse than I thought anyone could at the worst possible time to do it. That was last Jan.

 

She led me on and I followed willingly for 5 months after that, we finally stopped talking late August, although she reached out to me multiple times since then (up until mid Oct). I didn't respond because I was FINALLY feeling a bit better AND had met someone new that I actually wanted to pursue, but I still thought about her often - just not in such a sad or emotional way.

 

Now, me and the new girl broke up after a month or two of dating. I have a desire to reach out to my ex, in a friendly way, I miss her as I never felt such a close or sincere connection to anyone and my new recent ex just didn't do it for me like my old ex did. I know the ex of 4 years has a new bf tho and I have zero desire to feel the way I did before, so I won't do it, but I understand the desire.

 

Stop looking at your ex's Facebook etc and go on some dates, just force yourself. That's what I did and after a few I met someone who interested me enough that I forgot about my ex. Well, I didn't forget, but it pushed her to the back of my mind.

 

I don't remember but it might be possible that I read your story. I haven't been quite as active on here as I used to because I truly did start to feel better, but the rollercoaster of emotions are real.

 

Yea my ex did something similar, we went complete NC after our breakup cuz I knew she was starting to pursue her current bf and at the same time she didn't want me in the picture. Later on around May she reached out again and I stupidly fell into her "trap". She probably just wanted to see how I'm doing etc etc but I thought she might want to reconcile and get back together, needless to say that didn't happen, we kept talking here and there until I just got tired of it and told her not to talk to me anymore (that was in the beginning of July). The last time I saw my ex was about a month ago, I was at a club and I ran into her and her friends, her f*cking bf was there too and she wanted me to help get them into the club, I told her I would get her and her gfs in but not the guys. She didn't like that, so I just put a cigarette in my mouth (I was outside to smoke anyways), that made her even more pissed off cuz she hates smokers, told me something about disrespecting her by smoking infront of her face, I told her I didn't care, lit the cig and walked away.

 

But anyways, I'm not stalking her anymore, I have deleted her off everything a while ago. I do look at her Tumblr here and there I know i shouldn't but I can't help it (thats why I thought that her and her bf broke up cuz of the quotes and **** she was posting on there). I am trying to go on dates, but the reality is I haven't found anyone that interests me enough to keep it going or to even take out, only a couple girls did and after seeing them a few times I just cut it off cuz I wasn't feeling it.

[geronimo]

You are never going to forget her, so don't waste your time on that. Rather, what you have to do is devalue her. That's where the gold is buried.

 

In the end, she's just another human being. Not the worst, I'm sure, and I'm equally sure not the best. You're now free to do things without her that you were not free to do before. I'm sure some of that has to appeal to you.. don't try to weigh the two things yet, just appreciate that you can do things you could not before, and do some of them.

 

Make her absence count for something good.

 

I agree, I wish I could forget her, but I know thats not possible.

 

Dude the weirdest part is, I know she is just another human being and she is pretty flawed at that. To name some, she has huge insecurities about her image (and its weird cuz she is a very attractive girl) maybe all of it is just for attention, which is also pretty f*cked up. She has a few medical problems, not that I care but thats a point for devalue, She would never seem happy with anything and wanted more, her family's opinions outweighed her own, and worst of all she never made me feel secure in our relationship and in the end did leave me for someone else, and lied about it.

 

Logically, I should be thankful for the breakup and run far far away from this girl but I can't. Because the truth is, she is a wonderful person at heart, her and I are alot alike, and we clicked since the first time we met. We are from the same cultural background (religion is different and thats what she blamed the breakup on), and the way our family values are and the type of people we are, are very very similar. Also I'm physically really attracted to her. So that stuff always outweighs the bad for me.

 

Also I did try to do things that I couldn't with her, but its not much cuz like i said our personalities were very similar so we were pretty much into the same stuff. The only things that she didn't like was smoking and drugs, and smoking isn't anything good, but i have been doing it freely now and after my few encounters with drugs, I'm not much of a drug person either (Not hard drugs, have never and would never try them).

 

If you have any suggestions on how I can devalue her I would love to know, cuz i could really use the help.

[geronimo]

Sir, you never had sex with your ex for FIVE years? That's really bad news which I won't talk about but the good news is that in your case you could definitely overwrite your chemical wiring by having some sex.

 

I know dude, I regret that the most. I wish I had done it but at the same time she wasn't ready, we had a 3 year age gap between us so I felt weird forcing her to do it, and I wanted to respect her wishes. She claims that no matter what she would keep her virginity until marriage, but I know that may not happen and it sucks but there isn't anything I can do about that now.

 

Maybe you're right but the type of person I am, I can't just have sex with anyone, one cuz I'm also a virgin but also cuz I'm not the hookup kinda person maybe thats cuz of the company I keep cuz all of us are like this, but it just doesn't feel right. One of my friends tried to f*ck his way into forgetting his ex and it backfired badly on him, to the point where he couldn't get hard anymore for other women, when he would bring them over.

[geronimo]

Idk if this is good or bad, but I reformatted my macbook and when i signed into imessage again i saw some of my old messages between my ex and I and tbh it really helped. They made me realize the "real" parts of the relationship where even from the messages you can see that I'm giving it my all and she's not there 100% maybe its just perspective but it did help alot. Also it kind of made me realize that our relationship wasn't as amazing as I pictured it to be and gives me hope that maybe I can build something better with someone else. Just wanted to share the experience, Not saying people should go through their old text messages (these weren't recent messages btw they were from 2013).