Got stood up and feel humiliated

[Mmmaru]

I'm sure this is nothing new and even though many have told me to brush it off and move on, I think it's easier said than done. I'm new to the online dating thing and only joined only after much persuasion from friends. Been on the site close to a month before I finally connected to someone interesting. We communicated for about 2 weeks before deciding to meet. It was actually his idea and not mine but I went along with it. I already had things to do on that day but I moved my schedule around so that I can meet him.

 

And when the day finally came and me being nervous turned out to be a big let down. He never showed up. Did the text and call to find out where he was, an hour later he finally responded and said he was caught up with some event and totally forgot. By that time I already left and pretty much really pissed off. So didn't want to say things I don't mean during the time of rage, I stopped communicating with him but he also stopped communicating with me too. Haven't heard from him since.

 

I already know he's a lost cause but it took a lot from me emotionally to get myself to open up to a person. So I'm very disappointed and humiliated that my first online date never came to be. I just don't understand how someone can make you feel like you're important to them one week then completely change the next and now you're back to being strangers.

 

I guess I'm just looking for people to commiserate with and some hope that there's still the one out there somewhere for me, haha. Also online dating is a very tiring process, reading profiles after profiles. Sigh...

[Glitters]

In online profiles it's very easy to hide behind a mask. One just needs to be good at words. Many people start believing the lies and form a relationship in head which you probably did as well.

 

Don't get emotionally invested with someone just based on their online words.

[Xiomn]

On my first date ever I kind of got stood up, we agreed to meet up a certain time, I arrived on time, waited around for 20 minutes and then left thinking I had been stood up.

 

I get a message 10 minutes later from the girl thinking I had stood her up, turns out she got the time wrong even though all she had to do was scroll up our text messages for literally 2 seconds to see she was wrong on the timing.

I told her the situation and decided to give her one last chance and she showed up this time and we dated for a month after that.

 

Moral of the story, if you think the reasoning is genuine then give it another try maybe? Although I understand as I'm pretty sceptical of what people say myself.

[xcupid]

Losers "forget."

[FeelingFireworks]

Aw, really sorry

 

This kind of stuff irritates me. TBH, you wouldn't even know if he actually did show up to simply observe you. But the end game is similar: no basic respect for your time & effort. The fact he dropped off after that tells me he was never genuine.

 

You handled it classy. To stop communicating is the best way and it's good to vent here a bit and move forward. You could never have been truly invested in this person so have a vent, learn from it, laugh about it (honestly!) and soldier on! He's now cleared your path for a good opportunity!

 

Hope the next one isn't a lemon

[Maggie4]

Good riddance. What a jerk!

[KatZee]

Another reason why I'm not a fan of online dating. Flakes are more than abundant on the sites.

 

When I was online dating, I made it a point to always know FOR SURE if the date was still on. I've never had a guy stand me up, they've always texted the day of or the night before to ask, "Are we still on for such and such place at this time?"

 

If a guy makes a date with you and you don't hear from him the night before, or the day of, you DON'T GO. The man made the date, he should be the one following up, it's not your job to chase after him to see if you guys are still meeting. And most guys do really know this, I've never had a guy not do the follow up and I've met TONS of dudes.

 

You def met a dud, he probably met someone before he was scheduled to meet you and he is focused on that. That's how online dating works, it's never just one on one. It's one and a handful+ others.

[Robratory]

Yes, it's very hurtful when someone behaves poorly towards us. There's nothing you can do about how other people act, but there are a few things you can do to minimize this sort of thing happening.

 

I would advise you to consider meeting more. Two months on a dating site and only one date? Either you are extremely picky or fantastically unattractive, but nobody is fantastically unattractive. So consider not lowering your standards but not insisting that they all be met upfront.

 

So agree to meet more men and don't communicate for very long. Imagine you just met a guy at a friend's wedding or something like that. If he's interested and you're not putting up no-trespassing signs, he's going to ask you out within a week.

 

The problem with both being very selective and taking a long time to actually meet is that you invest yourself emotionally and set yourself up for a huge disappointment if it doesn't work out. On the other hand, imagine that you're literally meeting five guys a week after work, just for a quick coffee at the Starbucks down the block. If one guy doesn't show, it's no big deal.

 

Finally, when someone behaves poorly towards you, tell them. Tell them just straight, with no drama, no boo-hoo-hoo. "You behaved poorly, and I didn't deserve it." People can't argue back in the face of that, so you feel better than if you confronted them, and they wound up arguing over details.

[HansonGirl]

Assuming he did stand you up and he just didn't go to the wrong location or have the wrong time....Do NOT feel humiliated. you did NOTHING wrong. He's the person who is so selfish and lacking in consideration that he'd do something like that. Do you really want to get involved with someone who treats others like this? NO! YOU are considerate of others would never do such a thing (at least i hope so, after this experience!) You shouldn't feel humiliated but rather feel SORRY for this person. it must really suck to be so self-centered and probably miserable that he doesn't have the courtesy and basic decency to properly cancel a date or show up when he says he's going to be somewhere. He clearly is also so lacking in social skills that he doesn't realize how hurtful it is do such a thing.

[HansonGirl]

Finally, when someone behaves poorly towards you, tell them. Tell them just straight, with no drama, no boo-hoo-hoo. "You behaved poorly, and I didn't deserve it." People can't argue back in the face of that, so you feel better than if you confronted them, and they wound up arguing over details.

 

Rob, I want to share a sort of funny story -- I did that to a guy who stood me up, and his response was basically oops i forgot we were supposed to meet, and I should have reminded him and then accused me of being obsessed with him. he totally twisted it around on me. that guy scared me. clearly he's messed up and i feel like i dodged a bullet. i just said, um ok yeah you're right BYE! there were other weird things about him leading up to this, but i didn't put all the pieces together until that incident. Yikes. he was a nutjob.

[anduina]

It might signal differing levels of interest. Someone who's keen will make the effort to document if they have poor memories. Another possibility would be that he has some form of social anxiety where he's comfortable with some distance within the online medium but can't take it to real life.

 

But the reason doesn't matter since he didn't make himself worth mattering.

[katiegrl]

Rob, I want to share a sort of funny story -- I did that to a guy who stood me up, and his response was basically oops i forgot we were supposed to meet, and I should have reminded him and then accused me of being obsessed with him. he totally twisted it around on me. that guy scared me. clearly he's messed up and i feel like i dodged a bullet. i just said, um ok yeah you're right BYE! there were other weird things about him leading up to this, but i didn't put all the pieces together until that incident. Yikes. he was a nutjob.

 

Good GAWD ....there are A LOT of f*ucked up people in this world ....sheesh!

 

Animal crackers!!!!!!!

 

I give you credit ...you handled that well ... a hell of a lot better than I would have!

[smackie9]

Tip: proper dating etiquette: they contact you the day of the date to confirm. If they don't contact them to make sure it's a go.

 

Keep in mind when you use OLD, you are just one of a 1000+ choices out there. More than likely they are talking to many others, and if they find someone they like better, you will get dropped. Just the way it is.

 

If you have trouble with getting dates irl, OLD won't be much better.

[Lois_Griffin]

I've heard that another ploy online daters pull a lot is that they DO show up to the meeting spot but check you out from afar. If they don't like what they see, they leave and don't bother calling again and give the person they stood up some bullsh*it story about why they weren't able to make it.

[Shining One]

I've heard that another ploy online daters pull a lot is that they DO show up to the meeting spot but check you out from afar. If they don't like what they see, they leave and don't bother calling again and give the person they stood up some bullsh*it story about why they weren't able to make it.

Taking this even further, I know a few bartenders who provide screening services for their regulars and friends. Some of them are slick enough to take pictures.

[Mmmaru]

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words and advice. I wouldn't say I'm extremely unattractive but I wouldn't really know since beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think it's true when people say online daters are extremely picky.

 

It does irritate me that people paint themselves out to be angels online but most of them are just wolves in sheep's clothing. I know I'm sounding very pessimistic right now but I guess I'm just going through the emotions.

 

I feel humiliated because I thought I was smart person but somehow got played by this jerk. This is the first time I've ever been stood up and with such poor excuse.

 

I won't let this one bad experience ruin me. I will have to date smarter and learn from this.

[Under The Radar]

Thanks everyone for the encouraging words and advice. I wouldn't say I'm extremely unattractive but I wouldn't really know since beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think it's true when people say online daters are extremely picky.

 

It does irritate me that people paint themselves out to be angels online but most of them are just wolves in sheep's clothing. I know I'm sounding very pessimistic right now but I guess I'm just going through the emotions.

 

I feel humiliated because I thought I was smart person but somehow got played by this jerk. This is the first time I've ever been stood up and with such poor excuse.

 

I won't let this one bad experience ruin me. I will have to date smarter and learn from this.

 

You did absolutely nothing to feel humiliated about. In fact, your date is the one who should be ashamed of himself. Because of the impersonal nature of OLD (some pictures, a profile, and complete strangers) it helps people disassociate from behavior that would ordinarily be viewed as rude and inconsiderate.

 

They say a picture tells a thousand words, but in OLD it really doesn't. His lack of respect for your feelings and time are unfortunate, but it highlights a major character flaw in him. It's clearly a good thing that he bailed because it gives you insight towards his current value system.

 

I've been on dates where I knew it wasn't a match, but I still had a friendly conversation, good food, and considered it a learning experience. Hell, some people don't even look like their photos ...... not.one.single.picture.

 

I am sometimes loath to follow through on an OLD meet up, but I always do. Why? Because if I value my feelings and time I won't devalue someone else's. Outside of our health, time is our most valuable resource. Once it is gone, it is gone forever. So, I protect my time as best I can and the flip side of that coin is caring about the time of others.

 

Long story short, this guy is immature, irresponsible, and selfish. I'm sorry this happened to you, but as you already know, it's a bullet dodged. I'm happy to hear you will not let this experience ruin your dating life ...... you deserve so much better.

[losangelena]

I won't let this one bad experience ruin me. I will have to date smarter and learn from this.

 

OP, I am so sorry that happened to you!

 

Personally, I think getting stood up is probably one of the worst things you can go through. My ex got stood up once before he and I met, and when the woman didn't show up, he texted her asking, "cold feet or cruel joke," and she never replied. I had a hard time picking my jaw up off the ground when he told me that. It's got to just be the most demoralizing thing.

 

Anyway, you've got the right attitude. Don't let this one bad experience ruin dating for you. Some people can be right awful, so I suppose it's better to find out up front. Still, it's so sh*tty, I'm sorry.

[Truth34]

I feel the pain OP. I wasnt stood up per-say but I was cancelled on an hour and 20 mins beforehand.

 

But I must ask, is it really that proper to have to double check with someone? I told my date that I dont "check in" and that I would pick her up at such and such time. She seemed cool with that. I made it a point not to ask if we were still on because confidence says that I made the date, we agreed, and im a man of my word. Thats all there is to it in my eyes. Checking in just seems like an easy out for someone to waffle and also it doesnt exude alpha qualities imo.

 

Opinions?

[theredpill]

If they don't show, it's out the door and next. Good people will give notice or suggest an alternative date if something genuinely urgent has come up on the day, people rarely forget.

 

 

The most important thing OP is believe in your own awesomeness, was clearly his loss, don't let this fade you, get back out there!

 

 

For the record I never confirm on the day, once I've arranged it it's arranged, although a few of my dates have asked me on the day if it's still on - so guess it does happen.

[Robratory]

Rob, I want to share a sort of funny story -- I did that to a guy who stood me up, and his response was basically oops i forgot we were supposed to meet, and I should have reminded him and then accused me of being obsessed with him. he totally twisted it around on me. that guy scared me. clearly he's messed up and i feel like i dodged a bullet. i just said, um ok yeah you're right BYE! there were other weird things about him leading up to this, but i didn't put all the pieces together until that incident. Yikes. he was a nutjob.

 

Well, he was a nutjob regardless of what you would have said. And no, you shouldn't have had to remind him, and you were not obsessed at all. You just don't appreciate being treated rudely.

 

The key is knowing when to end the conversation. Say your piece and hang the phone up. Don't let them bait you into an argument where you're splitting hairs over who should have reminded the other of the date. Everyone's an adult.

[Zippy2000]

Im sorry you got let down. He just wasnt into you at all and couldnt be man enough to say he couldnt go.

 

I ve done OLD for up to 10 years and not one girl every stood me up.

 

I hope this experience hasnt put you off and not all men are like that.

[shet]

I've never stood anyone up. One time ever, it snowed so bad on the day that I couldn't get my car out of where I park so had to cancel on the day, but she decided not to look at her messages or answer her phone until shortly before the planned time, whereupon she felt I had somehow let her down. Since then, I've actually made a habit of confirming we're still on in the evening the day before.

 

I've been stood up four times. Once long ago, and the excuse was she thought it was the next day. Once a couple years ago, and the excuse some hours later was that she was busy. Not even that she forgot, just so busy she didn't bother telling me. Obviously both times that was the end of my association with them. Third time, also about 2 years ago, she missed the train to work and took the day off as a result and didn't think to tell me. The fourth time was almost a year ago, and it was someone I'd dated 3 times before who apparently used standing me up as a way to let me know she didn't want to continue seeing me. You'd think she'd just not set up the date in the first place but there it is.

 

I've never bothered confronting about it. What's the point. The message is clear, whether they explicitly intended it or not.