Grape lemon Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 So I'm 22 years old, I've been single a while now and been going out with the girls pretty regularly lately. Over the past month I've met two seemingly great guys while I was out at a bar/pub but later found out they had girlfriends. The first one a while ago was 25, was really sweet didn't even kiss me until he walked me to a taxi. Next day he added me on Facebook and first thing i noticed was that he was in a relationship.. He tried to tell me that he wishes he met me 6 months ago so I just let it be and didn't speak to him again. Last night, was chatting with a guy who was standing near me while his friend and my friend were dancing together. It was pretty late at this stage, about 2am. He was flirty, sweet, held my hand, waited for me every single time I went to the bathroom. He offered to buy me a drink and I flat out said no that's okay, I don't want to give you the wrong impression (ie going home with him) and he laughed and said he didn't expect that and bought it anyway. We ended up dancing/kissing for a while before my friend and I left. He put his name and number in my phone and called it so he could have mine. Ok so this morning I woke up and decided to look him up on Facebook to remember exactly what he looked like. So cute, however once again it said right there "in a relationship with ****". My friend and I were in disbelief about how so many guys can easily go out and cheat on their girlfriends. My friend said I should message the girlfriend and give her a heads up but I disagreed and didn't want to involve myself in drama. I'm in no way sad or devastated that these guys have girlfriends but it's just such a shame that so many out there cheat. Perhaps it's because I met them at places such as bars and clubs but still! People in relationships go to bars/pubs the time.. This guy from last night was 24. Is this an age thing? A maturity thing?? So disappointing.
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 So many guys unfaithful? You should read the boards on all the threads about girls that are unfaithful lol Some cheat, some don't and ya immaturity (not necessarily age) does have something to do with it.......but seriously you are looking for a BF in all the wrong places. The clubs/bars is not exactly the best place to find a nice fella. 3
Author Grape lemon Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 So many guys unfaithful? You should read the boards on all the threads about girls that are unfaithful lol Some cheat, some don't and ya immaturity (not necessarily age) does have something to do with it.......but seriously you are looking for a BF in all the wrong places. The clubs/bars is not exactly the best place to find a nice fella. Well Smackie, I suggest you get off your high horse and stop trying to pick apart my post to try and be blunt and rude. I never said that its just guys that are unfaithful, as I am a straight female, my recent experience has suprised me with the amount of guys who are unfaithful. If I was a lesbian I'd probably care more about how many girls are unfaithful. I'm also not looking for a boyfriend, please feel free to show me in my post where I said that If I'm going out with my friends, sometimes I will meet guys. I don't go out looking for a date I'm going out for a good time with my friends. I've also met nice guys out at bars and pubs, so again you are wrong. Please refrain from commenting on my post again. Cheers
Samhain Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 As soon as I read "so I'm 22 years old" I knew why you made the thread. And yes it is an immaturity thing. Not necessarily relating to age, but more people in your age group find it more common. It isn't gender specific, as smackie ^ said, take a look through the archives. When a young guy is out having a good time, it is what it is, the worlds his oyster and it's an ego boost "pullin" chicks, it's a game. Girls do it too. At some point, if you're looking for more you learn to know who and when. I'd like to say as you get older it changes, but I don't want to lie to you. 1
Samhain Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Well Smackie, I suggest you get off your high horse and stop trying to pick apart my post to try and be blunt and rude. I never said that its just guys that are unfaithful, as I am a straight female, my recent experience has suprised me with the amount of guys who are unfaithful. If I was a lesbian I'd probably care more about how many girls are unfaithful. I'm also not looking for a boyfriend, please feel free to show me in my post where I said that If I'm going out with my friends, sometimes I will meet guys. I don't go out looking for a date I'm going out for a good time with my friends. I've also met nice guys out at bars and pubs, so again you are wrong. Please refrain from commenting on my post again. Cheers I don't think she was on a high horse by noticing the name of your thread was targeting guys and that you seem to run in to guys who already have girlfriends. Some people on here offer good advice if you can stand to accept it rather than to take offense.
Author Grape lemon Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 I don't think she was on a high horse by noticing the name of your thread was targeting guys and that you seem to run in to guys who already have girlfriends. Some people on here offer good advice if you can stand to accept it rather than to take offense. I understand Samhain. She responded in a rude manner saying I'm looking for a boyfriend in the wrong places. I was pointing out I never said I was looking for a boyfriend and just because I'm 22 years old it doesn't mean I'm naive to the world. My thread was about MY recent experience. No need to go off in a different direction and talk about how it's "not just males" because this thread wasn't about that.
Grumpybutfun Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Grape lemon...perhaps just share your issues and see what feedback you can get on how to not pick that wandering guy...might be more helpful than a generalization on men who cheat. I'm a man of integrity..and I have never cheated on any of my lovers, gfs, and especially my darling wife. Best, G 2
Samhain Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 I get what ya sayin, but when people post on here daily about diff issues and someones thread name is 'it surprises me how many guys are unfaithful' I'd have said it if she didn't, that women are the same! A lot of people get lost in the fact that while some things may be more male traits or female traits, human nature remains. Dishonesty is just human, while it may be from a certain type of human, it's still our nature. I wouldn't waste your time wondering about the ones who lie, especially when you're not emotionally invested in them anyway. There's a hundred honest people out there who would suit you, and atleast now you know what to look out for. 2
Author Grape lemon Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 Grape lemon...perhaps just share your issues and see what feedback you can get on how to not pick that wandering guy...might be more helpful than a generalization on men who cheat. I'm a man of integrity..and I have never cheated on any of my lovers, gfs, and especially my darling wife. Best, G Thankyou. Nice to know there are some good ones out there. I wasn't generalising all men either.. I've always tried to see the best in people and take them at face value. That's why it's surprised me that there's seemingly so many out there that aren't genuine. Not all. Some.
Krieger Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Men and women who are economically dependent on their partner are more likely to cheat, with men three times more inclined to do so. For women: Those who are totally economically dependent have a 5.2% probability of cheating, compared to 3.4% for those who brought home equal income and just 1.5% for total breadwinners. For completely financially dependent men, the probability of cheating was much higher: 15%. As for how common that scenario may be, CNN points to a Pew Research Center report that found that 15% of married mothers outearned their husbands in 2011. http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2015/06/01/more-likely-spouse-cheat-relationship/28299907/ 2
Samhain Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Nobody cheats unless there is a flaw somewhere in the relationship, and it isn't usually financial. Maybe those surveys are conducted among people who were together for the wrong reasons to start with. But if you 'settle' that's trouble from the get go. Women who earn more than men may come into the "resentment factor" where a man dislikes the fact his woman earns more than him, thus provoking resentful behavior, which then triggers a response in her. And maybe men who completely support their stay at home wife are inclined to be attracted to the "ambitious career oriented" female he comes across at work because it's a trait he doesn't see in his wife. That's isn't a given. There's nothing in a relationship that cannot be solved via communication, BEFORE something like that occurs. And if there's no communication and it occurs anyway, then the problem existed long before anybody went outside the relationship, it's just that nobody either admitted it, or nobody cared to discuss it. Either way, that's the root of the problem.
Author Grape lemon Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 What does everyone think in regards to the suggestion from my friend about messaging the girlfriend and telling her? I don't really have proof except my word. Also she has 10 mutual Facebook friends with me so I don't want word going around that I'm a "home wrecker".
lolablue17 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 She responded in a rude manner saying I'm looking for a boyfriend in the wrong places. I was pointing out I never said I was looking for a boyfriend and just because I'm 22 years old it doesn't mean I'm naive to the world. My thread was about MY recent experience. No need to go off in a different direction and talk about how it's "not just males" because this thread wasn't about that. Sorry, you can't have it both ways... Your initial opening post was about "How many guys are unfaithful" which I thought was rude, because it insults all men in general. Secondly, you say now that "My thread was only about my recent experience". Well, strange... because your original thread was also "generally speaking about men", not to mention your generalizing headline. You chose to take it to the "general" direction, so you have no right to scold and attacking smackie9 for her legitimate (and not rude in my opinion) reply. thirdly - I think that if you write - "We ended up dancing/kissing" with a guy you've just met in a bar, it is very reasonable to assume you're "single and searching". your late words "I'm not looking for a Bf", doesn't exactly fit to the situation you've mentioned yourself. It's very odd for a girl who doesn't want a Bf to dance and kiss with a new guy, to allow him to buy her a drink, to take his details, and looking for him on FB the day after. So your rude thread is full of contradictions. I'll complete smackie9's words: It's possible that guys who hangs out regulary in bars until early morning are not the most faithful stuff... You can find tons of faithful guys. Depends where do you look for. 3
Poutrew Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 You can find tons of faithful guys. Depends where do you look for. Personally, if I want to look for a quality female, I'd go to a church dance (or social). If I want to just dance and kiss, then yep, it'd be at a bar. No guarantees of course, but these are venues for certain behaviors and societal expectations. And as far as you going to alert the guys girlfriend, I'd stay away from that. He may be a psycho and if he is you don't want him to fixate on you.
lolablue17 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Personally, if I want to look for a quality female, I'd go to a church dance (or social). If I want to just dance and kiss, then yep, it'd be at a bar. No guarantees of course, but these are venues for certain behaviors and societal expectations. And as far as you going to alert the guys girlfriend, I'd stay away from that. He may be a psycho and if he is you don't want him to fixate on you. I agree with you. But we should be careful not to be too judging, because it doesn't mean that ALL the guys and girls who goes to bars are questionable. I'm sure that there are lots of great (reliable and faithful material) people who like to hang out in bars.
thecrucible Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 I know what you mean. Guys in bars have hit on me before and it turns out later that they had gf. It makes me sick. I also assume that if I dated another guy long-term, he might be checking out and maybe chatting out other women a lot, based on what I've seen. I think when in a relationship you have to make a conscious decision not to flirt with anyone else whatsoever. So you might notice someone you find attractive but you wouldn't glare or flirt with them or even look at them that long. It stops temptation that way.
Qboro90 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Have you ever thought to ask the guys you interact with if they have a girlfriend before hooking up with them and taking or giving out numbers? After a guy gives you his number or visa versa, a simple "so when I get home and see your Facebook friend request (teasingly), I'm not gonna be blindsided to see you have a girlfriend right?". 1
thecrucible Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Have you ever thought to ask the guys you interact with if they have a girlfriend before hooking up with them and taking or giving out numbers? After a guy gives you his number or visa versa, a simple "so when I get home and see your Facebook friend request (teasingly), I'm not gonna be blindsided to see you have a girlfriend right?". Well most people aren't ****bags and it seems reasonable to assume that if someone is hitting on you then they have done their own housecleaning and aren't in a relationship with someone else. The onus is on them to make it obvious that they are in a relationship, not on the woman to ask them. I'd look ridiculously paranoid if I asked every man who ever had an interest in me whether he already had a gf. 1
lino Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Plenty of faithful men around. They're the ones you call 'just friends' 3
thecrucible Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Plenty of faithful men around. They're the ones you call 'just friends' So women are only romantically interested in men who are likely to be unfaithful according to you? That's what your sentence logically implies. Btw I have never dated any gross men who hit on me but I later found out they had gfs. This made me so grossed out that I didn't want to be anywhere near them, don't even want to make friends with them.
Qboro90 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 Well most people aren't ****bags and it seems reasonable to assume that if someone is hitting on you then they have done their own housecleaning and aren't in a relationship with someone else. The onus is on them to make it obvious that they are in a relationship, not on the woman to ask them. I'd look ridiculously paranoid if I asked every man who ever had an interest in me whether he already had a gf. Completely disagree. If you met a stranger, and were attracted to them.. You wouldn't eventually want to know whether or not they're single? If you can tell me that no one has ever asked you "are you seeing anyone?" Or "do you have a BF?" Then I'd be extremely surprised. The OP states she's 22. When I was 22 and surrounded by the college/post college crowd and bar scenes, it's completely normal to ask someone if they're single. Plenty of girls I interacted with asked me that. It does 2 things , 1. Shows they're interested in you and 2. Shows they're not gonna be completely blind and just hook up with anyone. It's not being paranoid. The OP literally ran into this situation twice. If she asked them, she avoids the "do most guys cheat?" Question. No, most guys don't. But some do, and if asking a simple question gets you off the hook for being the blind chick that hooks up with guys who have girlfriends because she was too hopeful in his morality to ask then that's on her. 3
Author Grape lemon Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 Completely disagree. If you met a stranger, and were attracted to them.. You wouldn't eventually want to know whether or not they're single? If you can tell me that no one has ever asked you "are you seeing anyone?" Or "do you have a BF?" Then I'd be extremely surprised. The OP states she's 22. When I was 22 and surrounded by the college/post college crowd and bar scenes, it's completely normal to ask someone if they're single. Plenty of girls I interacted with asked me that. It does 2 things , 1. Shows they're interested in you and 2. Shows they're not gonna be completely blind and just hook up with anyone. It's not being paranoid. The OP literally ran into this situation twice. If she asked them, she avoids the "do most guys cheat?" Question. No, most guys don't. But some do, and if asking a simple question gets you off the hook for being the blind chick that hooks up with guys who have girlfriends because she was too hopeful in his morality to ask then that's on her. Somehow I'm inclined to believe if that they are actively trying to cheat on their partner they wouldn't think twice about lying about one if I asked. 1
Qboro90 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 (edited) Somehow I'm inclined to believe if that they are actively trying to cheat on their partner they wouldn't think twice about lying about one if I asked. You'd be surprised how even a guy with a gf can put that moral responsibility in the back of his head when a pretty girl starts showing interest and flirting with him. If his gf or relationship is never brought up or asked about, he can go on pretending it's not there or down play it because he's thinking with his dick and not his head. However even hearing a simple "are you single?" From you could've envoked his conscience to appear and made him feel guilty if he flat out says "yea I'm single". And you are a perfect example. Your friends have told you to reach out and contact this guys gf and blow up his spot because he failed to tell you he had a gf and hooked up with you. What if that girlfriend replies and says "well did you ever ask if he was seeing anyone or you just assumed he was?" If you're gonna care enough to consider getting involved after the fact and telling the girlfriend that you hooked up with their BF and he deceived you then obviously you're bothered by the fact he didn't tell you. Which circles back to my point of simply asking the guy if he's single before you progress the convo and allow yourself to hook up with him. At least if you asked and he lied to you about it then you can say you did your part in asking, and he's the deuchebag for lying about it. But using a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude then being blown away when finding out he had a gf is avoidable. Edited November 22, 2015 by Qboro90 Spelling mistake 1
Author Grape lemon Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 You'd be surprised how even a guy with a gf can put that moral responsibility in the back of his head when a pretty girl starts showing interest and flirting with him. If his gf or relationship is never brought up or asked about, he can go on pretending it's not there or down play it because he's thinking with his dick and not his head. However even hearing a simple "are you single?" From you could've envoked his conscience to appear and made him feel guilty if he flat out says "yea I'm single". And you are a perfect example. Your friends have told you to reach out and contact this guys gf and blow up his spot because he failed to tell you he had a gf and hooked up with you. What if that girlfriend replies and says "well did you ever ask if he was seeing anyone or you just assumed he was?" If you're gonna care enough to consider getting involved after the fact and telling the girlfriend that you hooked up with their BF and he deceived you then obviously you're bothered by the fact he didn't tell you. Which circles back to my point of simply asking the guy if he's single before you progress the convo and allow yourself to hook up with him. At least if you asked and he lied to you about it then you can say you did your part in asking, and he's the deuchebag for lying about it. But using a "don't ask, don't tell" attitude then being blown away when finding out he had a gf is avoidable. I get what you're saying but you are making it sound like I was the one coming onto him and I played a part in him cheating. Also if I had a boyfriend and a girl messaged me saying she hooked up with my boyfriend but she didn't know about me I would never automatically think "wow it's her fault that she never asked him". 1
Qboro90 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 I get what you're saying but you are making it sound like I was the one coming onto him and I played a part in him cheating. Also if I had a boyfriend and a girl messaged me saying she hooked up with my boyfriend but she didn't know about me I would never automatically think "wow it's her fault that she never asked him". Well that's not what I'm trying to get across. Simply saying that it's not paranoid to ask someone you meet and have an attraction to/interest in, if they're single. 2
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