We just had a baby and my boyfriend wants to move out!

[itcanneverbeeasy]

This is going to be long, if you can spare me a few minutes I'd really appreciate any serious advice that I can get.

 

I live with my boyfriend. We've been friends for 7 years and dating for two years. I was previously divorced and have a child from my first marriage, he is 7. I recently had a beautiful, healthy baby he is 5 months old.

 

I didn't have the easiest pregnancy, I had pre-eclampsia followed by an emergency c-section and full blown eclampsia after birth that landed me in the ICU from non-stop seizures. I was put into an induced coma and as the doctor said "switched off" for awhile. Recovery from that was rough, coupled with finishing school, being a mom to these two kids and work. I am STILL recovering and it was a very terrifying time in my life that I can barely look back on now without getting anxiety. I'd never had a seizure before these and they thoroughly scared me, no more kids.

 

That's enough history. My boyfriend,we live at his mom's house now. After I got out of the hospital we needed the extra help and decided to stay here until I fully recovered and we had saved up another nest egg since we spent all our savings on the medical emergency with c-section and eclampsia.

 

I love my boyfriend very much, friends say too much. I always want to make him smile, see him happy. The problem is, I'm always the one reaching for the kiss, showing affection, buying gifts to surprise him. He crashed my car recently and basically has no intentions of fixing it. He is just callous like that. He does care and I know he loves me and he is a GREAT father but honestly sometimes I feel taken for granted.

 

Yesterday he sat me down and told me he wants to move out on his own. Which means, I have to move out of his mom's house because he won't be living here anymore. This is fine with me, as I've been living on my own for 10 years and living with in laws is no fun. I just wasn't expecting I'd be moving out of his mom's house alone.

 

He said he never got to live on his own and he is seeing his friends and little brother on their own and he thinks it will make him more responsible and I won't have to "take care of him" as much as I do. He said he'll keep the baby half of the time and this doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. He says he knows he's not a great boyfriend but that this will make him better, that we can go out on dates more and enjoy a sort of "honeymoon phase." He said he need a year.

 

Now, I just had a baby. I worked very hard at school, I'm in my last year, I can't do this alone. Not only that but I want to live with someone who WANTS to live with me. Wake up next to me, come home to ME. He doesn't want that it seems and it is breaking my heart. I really don't think I can take that step back especially considering I find it so inconsiderate and selfish. I'd understand if in a few year he wanted a bit of space, after I have attained my goals as well and we are more financially stable but right now he's leaving me in a lurch. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what to do.

 

I am terrified of being a single mom with two kids. It makes me feel like a failure. 28 years old, single mom, 2 kids. That's who I grew up to be.

[Grumpybutfun]

First of all, congratulations on your new baby. Second of all, you picked poorly. This didn't happen to you. You found guys who were walk-a-way Joes and that is whom you chose for your children. He is not a great father...he doesn't want to be there. Time for you to grow up. You have two kids and two fathers who aren't around. No time for you to feel sorry for yourself...you picked this life. You knew them and if you didn't you shouldn't have had sex with them. With that said, you don't have to see this as a failure. Get help from friends and family and finish school. Make sure you have child support from the dads who aren't around. Get a part time job and ask for childcare help from his mother or your mother or whomever will help you. Humility is what will get you and your kids through this until you graduate and you can find a job and move forward. This is just the bumps in life, but you can either. Let them give you a flat tire or ease over them with help. It is up to you.

Best,

Grumps

[itcanneverbeeasy]

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate you reading all that.

I grew up in foster care so unfortunately I don't have the "family" aspect for help. I've lived on my own and taken care of myself since 17, so I am CONFIDENT I can do it again.

I did pick poorly, you are right. I was friends with him for 7 years, and I really thought I knew him, goes to show you, you don't know anyone.

[Got it]

I am really sorry he isn't stepping up at the time you need it most. I do agree that he isn't wanting to be there, so sorry. He is trying to let you down softly but I would see it as a break up and tell him that is what it is going to be. Be your own best advocate and he is offering you a deal that is worse than the one you are currently in. No dice. So if he wants space, fine, he will get a ton of space. But you get to decide that, not him.

 

Other people value us when we value us. You are so strong, look at all that you have accomplished and done. It is so impressive! Just because he is too much of a smuck to see and appreciate that then phooey on him; his loss.

 

Have you tried therapy? It may help you with your romantic relationships. Coming from foster care is going to make things harder, I am sorry about that. But you are a strong and amazing woman and can have whatever life you want for yourself.

[preraph]

After having a baby is actually one of the biggest times for relationships to break up because it changes everything. So it's little wonder some decide they don't like the change after it's too late and they've made a baby together.

 

He's feeling really trapped. Honestly, I'm surprised he's agreed to care for the baby half the time. But here is my advice so you don't get the crap end of this stick:

 

Get an attorney and INSIST he have joint custody and cares for the child half the time so you can have a life and have time to breathe and not have to drag an infant every time you go to the store. He thinks he wants to do this. Make him do it whether he wants to or not because the child is half his. Don't let him sweet talk you into doing it all.

 

And I know you're far far away from wanting to leave him, but how about just not giving him sex and starting to date other people on those days off when he is taking care of the baby and finding your own legs and getting a job and taking care of yourself instead of catering to his every need. If your friends say you are giving too much, then you are. Despite how nice you've been to him, he is leaving you. He may be around for sex, but his foot is out the door, and this is the thanks you got for being there for him.

 

Keep a civil parenting relationship, joint custody, don't let him slack off on his part, and concentrate on getting yourself independent. Good luck.

[Grumpybutfun]

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate you reading all that.

I grew up in foster care so unfortunately I don't have the "family" aspect for help. I've lived on my own and taken care of myself since 17, so I am CONFIDENT I can do it again.

I did pick poorly, you are right. I was friends with him for 7 years, and I really thought I knew him, goes to show you, you don't know anyone.

 

I think we make our own families in life. For instance, like you, I have no contact with my biological family. I made do with people I met. My father is a drunk and my mother is a psychological wreck. I adopted my own mother and father from people who loved and mentored me.

I do understand your struggle....it isn't easy when life hands you lemons. I apologize if I sounded dismissive. I do get it.

G

[acrosstheuniverse]

He is breaking up with you. He doesn't get to decide to move out and live a single guy's life again to 'make him more responsible' when he just brought new life into the world with you.

 

Sorry to say, if a guy does this at this point, he's never going to step up and be a decent partner or husband. There are children involved and he wants to go live on his own because he feels he missed out? Well, he kinda missed the boat on that one! Come on!

 

Also, financially, where does this leave you? I assume you aren't working full time due to the new baby, and when you do return to work how are you going to afford childcare? This is the time for him to be working his butt off so that you and him and the kids are taken care of and have everything they need. Not the time for separating households so you're paying two loads of rent and utilities!

 

I would take this as a breakup and proceed accordingly. No woman in her right mind would tolerate this crap and continue to date a guy and have sex with him. He is abandoning you with young kids after a serious health incident you're still recovering from, and happy to see you homeless. It's not about being happy being independent and living alone, you guys have a child now and it's past the living separately and going out on dates each weekend phase. I've rarely read a tale of such a selfish, immature excuse for a man.

[pteromom]

He crashed my car recently and basically has no intentions of fixing it. He is just callous like that. He does care and I know he loves me and he is a GREAT father but honestly sometimes I feel taken for granted.

 

He isn't a great father. A great father wouldn't crash his child's mother's car and refuse to fix it. A great father isn't "callous".

 

He said he never got to live on his own and he is seeing his friends and little brother on their own and he thinks it will make him more responsible and I won't have to "take care of him" as much as I do. He said he'll keep the baby half of the time and this doesn't mean that he doesn't love me. He says he knows he's not a great boyfriend but that this will make him better, that we can go out on dates more and enjoy a sort of "honeymoon phase." He said he need a year.

 

I don't know what he means by "more responsible", but if he is engaging in heavy drinking, drugs, or just isn't able to get things done in his life, I would think really hard before giving him the baby half the time.

 

It sounds to me like he just wants to be single, but also wants you as a backup in case he can't find some elsewhere. Basically he wants the perks of the relationship (sex) without the work.

 

If you truly don't want to let him go, make sure that this agreement includes faithfulness!

 

I am terrified of being a single mom with two kids. It makes me feel like a failure. 28 years old, single mom, 2 kids. That's who I grew up to be.

 

You aren't a failure at all. You have a very important job of raising two people to be whole, happy, and contributing. That is a big deal.

 

I agree that it seems your picker is the problem.

 

Choose a man not based only on your feelings for him, but on whether he is capable and mature and responsible and respectful (not callous!) and kind, and on whether he shares your goals and feelings about what a relationship should be.

[itcanneverbeeasy]

He isn't a great father. A great father wouldn't crash his child's mother's car and refuse to fix it. A great father isn't "callous".

 

 

 

I don't know what he means by "more responsible", but if he is engaging in heavy drinking, drugs, or just isn't able to get things done in his life, I would think really hard before giving him the baby half the time.

 

It sounds to me like he just wants to be single, but also wants you as a backup in case he can't find some elsewhere. Basically he wants the perks of the relationship (sex) without the work.

 

If you truly don't want to let him go, make sure that this agreement includes faithfulness!

 

 

 

You aren't a failure at all. You have a very important job of raising two people to be whole, happy, and contributing. That is a big deal.

 

I agree that it seems your picker is the problem.

 

Choose a man not based only on your feelings for him, but on whether he is capable and mature and responsible and respectful (not callous!) and kind, and on whether he shares your goals and feelings about what a relationship should be.

Thank you @acrosstheuniverse @pteromom@preraph @Gotit for your posts. They really gave me a reality check. I spoke to my best friend today. We worked out a budget that's feasible for me and she will watch the baby and my son 3 times a week while I have lectures.

I worked out a schedule so I know when and how to do what I have to do.

Thank you for the harsh truths, reality checks and endearing encouragement.

I will try my best, and I will rise above this.

[itcanneverbeeasy]

Bumppppppp

[Gloria25]

Thank you for your advice. I appreciate you reading all that.

I grew up in foster care so unfortunately I don't have the "family" aspect for help. I've lived on my own and taken care of myself since 17, so I am CONFIDENT I can do it again.

I did pick poorly, you are right. I was friends with him for 7 years, and I really thought I knew him, goes to show you, you don't know anyone.

 

No, "friends" isn't the same as dating someone, being their co-worker, and/or shacking up with them. So, you only knew him as a "friend" - not as a romantic interest....entirely different mentalities, ways of thought/conduct, etc.

 

For example, I have male "friends" and yeah, since I have no romantic interest, they've seen me like with my hair in a mess - something I wouldn't just casually do in front of a guy I'm dating.

[basil67]

Bumppppppp

 

So what has the last few weeks brought your way? What decision did you make and how is it feeling?

[crederer]

He broke up with you he's just too much of a coward to tell you straight up.

[Miss Peach]

I was in your situation in college minus the baby. My xbf fed me ALL those same lines about needing to be on his own, we could still date, etc. I went along with it for a year hoping I would get upgraded back to where I was.

 

When I look back I realize he really wanted out, wanted to let me down gently, and/or wanted his cake and to eat it too. I wish I had just broken up with him and gotten on with my life when he moved out. That year was very painful as he showed me time and again he didn't *really* care about me.

 

From what you posted I get the same sense here. If he really cared he would be helping with the living arrangements, to make sure his baby has a place to sleep, the mom (you) has a car, food, etc. Even if he feels he cares he isn't showing you that and you deserve someone in your life who can show you that.

 

I also highly recommend doing a consultation or two with a family law attorney. Most will do a consultation over the phone or for free. In many states it is a process to make sure there is a custody schedule, support, etc. In many places you are not eligible for any of that until you file. Figure out what is best FOR YOU and YOUR BABY within the legal framework; not just the logistics of getting done with school.

[vagabonder]

Hugs to you, mama. Over 5 years ago, my ex left me with a 6 month old and 2 year old. My family is not local so I was all on my own. That first year, admittedly was the worst of my life. It was exhausting and lonely. But...and this is a big but... I am so very grateful for that experience. I now know what an amazingly strong woman I am. I have become more joyful, more compassionate, more resilient from that experience. Nothing can get in my way now.

 

You, too, will get through this. There will be nights you cry yourself to sleep, days you can barely concentrate on anything from the numbness. But in time it will fade and you will heal and find love again. I strongly recommend therapy to get through this time. Meditation helped me a lot too.

 

Hang in there!

[Ms. Faust]

Are you going to file for child support?

[itcanneverbeeasy]

So what has the last few weeks brought your way? What decision did you make and how is it feeling?

 

We've decided to live apart. I'll be in my own place with the kids and he's renting a studio. I honestly don't think it's going to work but at least this way we can co-parent. He was miserable and saying he felt trapped and smothered and who wants to be around someone all day, and do everything with them. So, I backed off and have distanced myself. The next time I'm in love, I hope it's with someone that can appreciate how I love them.

 

As for now, I'm scared and alone but I'm trying to stay positive.

[acrosstheuniverse]

We've decided to live apart. I'll be in my own place with the kids and he's renting a studio. I honestly don't think it's going to work but at least this way we can co-parent. He was miserable and saying he felt trapped and smothered and who wants to be around someone all day, and do everything with them. So, I backed off and have distanced myself. The next time I'm in love, I hope it's with someone that can appreciate how I love them.

 

As for now, I'm scared and alone but I'm trying to stay positive.

 

Good for you, glad to hear this. Can you afford to live alone with the kids? Hope so. You deserve better than this... when you love someone, you want to 'be around someone all day and do everything with them', that's why people move in with one another. If he wasn't happy with that, he could have made an effort to develop some other interests or spice up the relationship but he wanted to bail. And when a child comes along, you don't get to disappear just because you feel 'trapped'. He sounds like a child.

 

Hope it works out!