I'm 46. Am I screwed.

[lollipopspot]

So I have to ask.. is this actually your first time to this rodeo? Because if it isn't, you already know this is all a temporary illusion.

 

And I guess if it is, you'll find out that this whole ordeal you're going through is all a response to a temporary illusion.

 

You just have to walk through this personal hellfire once to find out this is the truth.

 

Can you explain this post, I'm having trouble understanding your references.

 

Define "this rodeo." If you mean losing a woman I seriously wanted to marry, I suppose you would call it a second time.

 

I don't think you seriously wanted to marry her...or you would have. Three years is a long time. I think that you're looking back and romanticizing it. I know you lost something that in retrospect you wish you had. But if you had acted on it before you were ready, you might be kicking yourself now to be saddled with this person.

 

But I do understand regret. I have plenty of things I wish I had done differently. But here we are.

[mightycpa]

So I have to ask.. is this actually your first time to this rodeo? Because if it isn't, you already know this is all a temporary illusion.

 

And I guess if it is, you'll find out that this whole ordeal you're going through is all a response to a temporary illusion

 

 

You just have to walk through this personal hellfire once to find out this is the truth.

Can you explain this post, I'm having trouble understanding your references.

In other words, your first time, you think it is the end of the world. After that, even if it is heart-wrenching, you know how it ends. You know that the bad stuff does end, and so you know you're just overreacting. You've been there before.

[Noproblem]

age is subjective to how you see yourself and how people see you.

 

I mean by all means you could look old and people might think once they see you oh he is old , but once they speak to you, they feel you are younger than them

 

or you might look young, so young, but once people know you, they sense you are way too old and boring..

 

I choose to be 25 forever.. Wanna join

[K2z]

You tell us how important marriage is to you, yet you actively avoided it. There must be an actual reason, other than you're a dunce.

 

You know what I'm saying? Could it simply be that this is the post-breakup desperation/obsession having its day in the sun?

 

Post-breakup desperation/obsession is in full force, so there's that.

 

But I'm a dunce to the extent I was not cognizant of how hurt she felt that I did not go to meet the parents and confirm a plan of marriage at an earlier stage.

 

I thought we'd live together a bit longer, and right around now I'd be putting a ring on her finger. Chalk up yet more dunce points for not realizing how precarious a position she was in, given conservative Thai culture, of shacking up with me in another country without a firm guarantee of marriage.

 

The perverse thing is that we had our most raw, honest(I think), and emotional communication of the three years in email form a day or two before her wedding.

 

There were hesitations -- a large linguistic gap, a gulf of wealth and education. And, my finances weren't rock solid for a while there. But my internal representation/imagination of us always showed us married.

 

Anyway I am sorry to go on and on. It's just that analyzing this is one of the only ways I have to process my shock and sadness.

[BlueIris]

The truth is, everything that has happened in my life...that I thought was a crushing event at the time, has turned out for the better. -- Warren Buffett

 

It's been true for me too.

 

I don't mean to marginalize or dismiss your pain or regret. But I do think that it is possible that your life can be better in some way, maybe (and usually) an unexpected way, one day and this opening will be part of it. Let yourself mourn and reflect. And then one day... you never know...

Edited November 24, 2015 by BlueIris

[marky00]

I thought we'd live together a bit longer, and right around now I'd be putting a ring on her finger. Chalk up yet more dunce points for not realizing how precarious a position she was in, given conservative Thai culture, of shacking up with me in another country without a firm guarantee of marriage.

 

 

Oh yeah this is one I think about to. Like you I kinda always pushed for her to stay with me for like 6 months or so before I was gonna make the leap i guess.

 

But in all honestly.... do we really believe that someone who loved us and absolutely wanted marriage would just pack up and move on in an instant?

 

Maybe some of the women on this forum can answer if that is possible or not. Besides cheating and physical abuse I would think the only reason someone leaves is because they aren't in love with you. Someone leaving you pure because you took too long propose seems a long bow to draw I think. Maybe the procrastination or the lack of strong direction may have been an unattractive quality which lead to a reduction in love. But yeah, I just don't think anyone would breakup with anyone they loved just because they had a commitment issue.

[K2z]

yes, it's a combination. She fell out of love after several distinct incidents of dissapointment and pain-- she emailed me that she "cried in her heart" when I opted twice not to visit her parents. She also said she could not believe my declaration that I wanted to marry her. She had probably complained so much to her sister that the sister came up with the plan to invite her to Europe and fix her up with the other guy. My regret and guilt are overwhelming.

[marky00]

Well dont forget as she was suggesting you meet her parents.... she was laying down the law that you had to be 100 percent sure blah blah because she can't bring a 2nd guy to village blah blah blah... ie putting all the pressure on you. Most people dont perform well under extreme pressure.

 

Like my Ex, yours was always testing you out... but we were unaware most of the time.

 

Maybe girls are more affected by disappointments than guys are... I suppose that is possible. When guys get disappointed, they don't fall out of love, they just get angry.....but I think overall guys are less affected by disappointments... they don't take them to heart as much.

[K2z]

right. With women there is a rolling score, and if your score drops too low then you are out. That's the end of the game. And most guys will not even have known that they were playing.

[Clarkwg]

I am a decade younger than you and a male friend of mine told me i have 5 years left until no one will want me.

 

So who knows.

 

So 41 is the cut off age?

If so, I'm running out of time... Fast!

[marky00]

right. With women there is a rolling score, and if your score drops too low then you are out. That's the end of the game. And most guys will not even have known that they were playing.

 

Yeh hate to say it but its true.

 

A couple of years back when I managed to reconcile with me Ex after she tried to break it off, we went on a holiday and actually gave me a timeline of my ratings for real.

 

She said I was a 10/10 for first 3 years until I confessed to going on a few dates with a girl.... I was just getting so frustrated with sending money and stuff but promises never turning into concrete things.

 

She said after that I dropped to a 5 and over the next few years rose back to like 8/10.

 

So there you go, its true, girls really do keep a score/tally

[chinadiary]

You're right, we do keep a score. You get to mess up a certain number of times and then you're out.

 

I'm on the opposite side of the fence. He's out. I have no replacement but I can't do it with him anymore. Too unreliable. Can't trust what he says.

 

If you love someone, commit to them.

 

Oh, and I beat you in age. 50. Currently feel a good 20 years old. Hoping that will improve when I start to get over it all.

[Bfef]

Regarding keeping score, that's obviously true - the trouble is the number is different for every woman! Screw up once or twenty times, no one knows what the break point is.

[dreamingoftigers]

Regarding keeping score, that's obviously true - the trouble is the number is different for every woman! Screw up once or twenty times, no one knows what the break point is.

 

The thing most guys don't realize is that you can bank points ahead of time.

 

The more often you show you are thinking of her, the less your screwups impact your overall score. Seriously.

[Heatherknows]

The thing most guys don't realize is that you can bank points ahead of time.

 

The more often you show you are thinking of her, the less your screwups impact your overall score. Seriously.

 

The faster you make up can also help your overall score. When my husband and I were dating and we got into a big fight he was scared to go home and leave me angry. So during that after-fight anger silence he'd usually say "Are you hungry? You want to go out to eat?" And then he'd take me to a nice restaurant.

 

Worked every time.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh yeah this is one I think about to. Like you I kinda always pushed for her to stay with me for like 6 months or so before I was gonna make the leap i guess.

 

But in all honestly.... do we really believe that someone who loved us and absolutely wanted marriage would just pack up and move on in an instant?

 

Maybe some of the women on this forum can answer if that is possible or not. Besides cheating and physical abuse I would think the only reason someone leaves is because they aren't in love with you. Someone leaving you pure because you took too long propose seems a long bow to draw I think. Maybe the procrastination or the lack of strong direction may have been an unattractive quality which lead to a reduction in love. But yeah, I just don't think anyone would breakup with anyone they loved just because they had a commitment issue.

 

Seriously?

 

Women highly value commitment and intimacy.

In fact, we often counsel each other to be wary of a guy who is "just wasting our time" as in trying to keep us on a string waiting. Its also insulting.

 

When my ex of 2.5 years waffled about committing and then shut down, I was so heartbroken.

 

For about six weeks. Then I met my husband. Not only was he really fun, we clicked in a lot of ways.

 

We did marry too soon. But whatever. We are still together with our second child on the way eleven years later. He pushed early on for the commitment and I sure wasn't going to sit around and waste my time with another guy that "looked good on paper" but was "impotent when it came to commitment."

 

My husband asked me what my dream wedding was. I said "Banff Springs Hotel." He did it. He helped plan and execute it. We had met in May and we were going to marry in January. We ended up waiting for documentation and so the date was pushed back to May. We married one year and one day to the day that we met.

 

The ex eventually married some plain girl and they have five kids. They live in this really crappy town an hour from here. (I hate that place, its the larger version of the craphole I lived in Saskatchewan. Its best seen from a rear-view mirror. You want to blink to miss it!)

Time has not been kind to him and I am so glad we didn't marry. I know we aren't supposed to be "all about looks" but my morning sickness is bad enough and I can't imagine having to keep my lunch down near that guy!

And frankly, just the mix of genes there would have made our kids look like circus freaks.

 

Meanwhile I have this super-cute little daughter. She's just great. I love that kid so much. Looks so much like her Dad. Plus husband is a great Dad.

 

So many men want to wait for the "perfect time" to get married and/or have kids.

There is no "perfect time" and life is effing short.

[dreamingoftigers]

The faster you make up can also help your overall score. When my husband and I were dating and we got into a big fight he was scared to go home and leave me angry. So during that after-fight anger silence he'd usually say "Are you hungry? You want to go out to eat?" And then he'd take me to a nice restaurant.

 

Worked every time.

 

Yeah, leaving right after or during a disagreement is a big way to lose points. It makes the distance last over hours or days. Big loss. So whereas he's "compartmentalizing it" she's in agony trying to figure out what to do or whether or not to try to repair it.

 

Smart men realize that a disagreement is just that:a difference of opinion and still try to connect after tense times.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeh hate to say it but its true.

 

A couple of years back when I managed to reconcile with me Ex after she tried to break it off, we went on a holiday and actually gave me a timeline of my ratings for real.

 

She said I was a 10/10 for first 3 years until I confessed to going on a few dates with a girl.... I was just getting so frustrated with sending money and stuff but promises never turning into concrete things.

 

She said after that I dropped to a 5 and over the next few years rose back to like 8/10.

 

So there you go, its true, girls really do keep a score/tally

 

Its not like a "concrete number" its more of a "range."

[K2z]

I was inclined at this point to complain that my ex bottled up her complaints and offloaded them on to her sister instead of me -- which she did, to an extent.

 

But the truth is she did at times complain to me of what was hurting her, and I didn't know how to listen. And I dismissed the seriousness of what was going on. And I lost her.

 

Now she's married to another guy and I feel like I have broken box cutter blades in my rib cage.

[chinadiary]

Oooo, I'm really sorry to say you sound so much like my ex. I told him, asked him, brought it up. Not all the time. Who wants to nag when someone CLEARLY doesn't want to make that committment?

 

The really sad thing is, I didn't actually want marriage (he didn't either). I just wanted us to be able to live together.

 

Truth hurts I guess.

 

You messed her around and are paying for it. I allowed him to mess me around too many times despite the obvious signs that he was committment shy.

 

Sad. I feel like he was my last chance. At my age, 1) I think I'm too old to get another guy. 2) Don't really think I want to do it again.

 

But I miss the closeness of having someone who has your back. I had cancer 5 years ago and he went through it with me. Why if he didn't really want to be with me?

[RedRobin]

Post-breakup desperation/obsession is in full force, so there's that.

 

But I'm a dunce to the extent I was not cognizant of how hurt she felt that I did not go to meet the parents and confirm a plan of marriage at an earlier stage.

 

I thought we'd live together a bit longer, and right around now I'd be putting a ring on her finger. Chalk up yet more dunce points for not realizing how precarious a position she was in, given conservative Thai culture, of shacking up with me in another country without a firm guarantee of marriage.

 

The perverse thing is that we had our most raw, honest(I think), and emotional communication of the three years in email form a day or two before her wedding.

 

There were hesitations -- a large linguistic gap, a gulf of wealth and education. And, my finances weren't rock solid for a while there. But my internal representation/imagination of us always showed us married.

 

Anyway I am sorry to go on and on. It's just that analyzing this is one of the only ways I have to process my shock and sadness.

 

I am not Thai... 100% U.S..... And I think she gave you plenty of time. Stop blaming it on the Thai thing. At your age, it shouldn't take three years.

 

Past the age of 35 or so, 6 months to a year is plenty of time to know if you want to share a life together. You are not 20 something's.

 

I am very sorry about your loss.... However your reluctance to commit has everything to do with you and maybe your relationship. Not her culture.

[K2z]

You messed her around and are paying for it.

 

As eager as I am to beat myself up, I am not sure I am ready to sign up for "messed her around."

 

I moved her to my country, I committed to creating a home, and I articulated a willingness/desire to marry her by the end of 2015.

 

I constantly told her I loved her, and on many occasions told her I wanted to marry her 1,000,000 times, not just once.

 

Now that stuff about setting an exact date and meeting the parents... there, I screwed up. But I was on board, in principle.

 

She went off and married "good enough," because it was on her timetable and her family set it up. (At least I am pretty sure.)

 

And I am left nearly dead inside.

[K2z]

At your age, it shouldn't take three years.

 

Past the age of 35 or so, 6 months to a year is plenty of time to know if you want to share a life together.

 

That's fair enough. A lot of our time was LDR, but I should have known, and pulled the trigger.

 

I was wrong. Hence I suffer.

[RedRobin]

Oh yeah this is one I think about to. Like you I kinda always pushed for her to stay with me for like 6 months or so before I was gonna make the leap i guess.

 

But in all honestly.... do we really believe that someone who loved us and absolutely wanted marriage would just pack up and move on in an instant?

 

Maybe some of the women on this forum can answer if that is possible or not. Besides cheating and physical abuse I would think the only reason someone leaves is because they aren't in love with you. Someone leaving you pure because you took too long propose seems a long bow to draw I think. Maybe the procrastination or the lack of strong direction may have been an unattractive quality which lead to a reduction in love. But yeah, I just don't think anyone would breakup with anyone they loved just because they had a commitment issue.

 

I would leave a man I loved who I wasn't convinced loved me back. It would hurt, but I would do it. And not look back.

 

Not sure why so many guys think they can sit around with their thumbs up their backsides. For some of us, the inability for a man to commit shows a lack of respect... And if she respects herself, she will leave. No matter how much he claims to 'love' her. Actions speak louder than words. Always.

[K2z]

And when you have parents and sister breathing down her neck, it's amazing I got three years out of it.

 

She really loved me. She really waited. I really f***ed up.