I'm 46. Am I screwed.

[Heatherknows]

I am a decade younger than you and a male friend of mine told me i have 5 years left until no one will want me.

 

So who knows.

 

OMG not true. I'm 47 and married but I KNOW if I wanted another man I could get one without much effort. Your friend is mean.Get better friends.

[minimariah]

This is on you, dude! Three years? No, this is all on you.

 

i think the OP did the right thing by NOT marrying her - he clearly didn't feel like it was the right thing to do. and that feeling speaks volumes. you should marry because you WANT to not because you need to prove how committed you are or because it's been three years.

 

OP - you didn't want to marry her for a reason. the fact that she married in a matter of 5 months post dumping you for NOT wanting to marry her... doesn't make her look really good. so from where i'm standing - it seems like she just wanted to get hitched and found someone who was willing to do so. if you wanted - she'd be married to you rght now. so it definitely seems like it's about the marriage, not about love.

 

i really think you dodged a huge bullet here, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. and PLEASE - do NOT put the break up on you... once again, you didn't marry her for a reason. focus on that reason and not on her.

 

what is done, is done. she is out of your life and you need to focus on yours.

Edited November 22, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

These people who get married within 5 months of knowing each other are absolutely ridiculous. You can't know someone in that short time frame.

 

i agree.

 

but i assume she knew the guy while she was with the OP and had at least an emotional affair with him - so it might be longer than 5 months.

[Amelie1980]

OMG not true. I'm 47 and married but I KNOW if I wanted another man I could get one without much effort. Your friend is mean.Get better friends.

 

Thank you. I have trouble meeting guys though. I dont know why.

[avintagegirl]

I am a decade younger than you and a male friend of mine told me i have 5 years left until no one will want me.

 

So who knows.

 

Don't believe your friend.

[K2z]

i assume she knew the guy while she was with the OP and had at least an emotional affair with him - so it might be longer than 5 months.

 

I wrestle with this every day (pointlessly of course). I wonder which I "prefer" -- for her to marry a guy she met 5 months ago, or for this to have been going on in some fashion behind my back for longer.

 

I actually believe it's just a five month thing. But God knows I've been naive.

[lollipopspot]

I am a decade younger than you and a male friend of mine told me i have 5 years left until no one will want me.

 

Well that's some friend. I'd find better ones. He's saying that HE wouldn't want a woman over a certain age, but that's not all guys.

[K2z]

I am having a gigantic freakout day. My God, my God. What did I let slip through my fingers?

 

Why did I delay meeting the parents and formalizing the engagement?

 

I don't keep going back to the wedding pictures, but I don't need to. They are burned into my mind. She looks so beautiful. The groom is like, yeah, whatever... kind of a dopey and strange look on his face throughout.

 

I missed my chance to make a family with her, to see her every morning-- for what? To stay in a city I don't particularly like anymore, and pursue a dead-end job?

 

I have never been in this deep of a state of regret in my life.

[marky00]

Did you read my post?

 

Did she actually invite you to meet her parents? Did she try and drag you to her village but you said "well go up there later" etc etc.

 

Because like I said in my case, Thai women have a magic power of making you think they asked you to do something when in actual fact they weren't all that into the idea themselves.

[K2z]

She asked. Twice. I am the Lord of Stupid.

 

I didn't get the full significance of what it meant to her, and I got cold feet about an engagement process that was being initiated by a family visit rather than me dropping to one knee with a ring. I am an idiot.

 

My God. I am so full of hot black regret. People want me to blame her for this or that, but there is no one to blame but myself.

[marky00]

What did she ask you exactly?

 

What were her words?

[K2z]

OK. On one visit I said great, let's go to your hometown and meet your parents. Next step and all that, right?

 

Well I arrive, and she says now if we go to visit my parents you need to be 100% sure (of marriage plans) and they will ask you questions about when, where, how, etc. She said if she brings one man to her hometown she can never go back with another one because of the judgements and conservatism.

 

Well, I freaked out mildly. If indeed I was going to be engaged, I kind of wanted to dictate the timeline, you know? Not have it be branded on me by a trip to the parents. At the time, culturally, I didn't "get" the Thai thing. I thought meeting the parents was merely an important step and not a contractual obligation. So I backed out and said let's wait. The parents had been expecting our visit and apparently she told a fib to them to cancel the visit, and was very hurt in the process.

 

I had a second chance earlier this year, but delayed again. More excuse making on my part. I thought, yeah, we're headed toward a life together so what's the rush? Can't we do this parents thing a bit down the road?

 

But, she was very hurt, and camouflaged that from me. She told me in our final email exchange that she "cried in her heart."

 

What was confusing is that even as I declined that second chance to go see the parents, I outlined a plan to have her move to my city, I would enroll her in an intensive English class so we could communicate better, get her a part time job in the field she loves, and we would marry by the end of the year. She said "very good plan." So there was some dissimulation going on.

 

It's neither her nor there. She's some other guy's wife. Butmy freakout continues.

[nheeya]

46 is not old. You are good to go. Life must go on.

[K2z]

How old was she?

 

She's 36 years old as I write.

[jen1447]

This sounds more like a self-flagellation exercise than anything else at this point, but if you still want input on the OT, the answer IMO is actually ....yes, in a way.

 

It's not that there's a magical age where everyone is officially "screwed," but the fact is that we're all up against the clock and with each passing day our prospects dwindle. It's not that you won't find someone, just that there's always less time left to do anything with. That doesn't mean it's not worth trying, but despite the usual reassurances we always hear, there is some merit to the notion that aging isn't exactly the greatest tonic for relationship success. Just being real.

 

That said, I really think you should slap yourself and snap out of self-loathing mode and face your situation like everyone else has to. It's not the end of the world FFS. Yes it sucks, and yes you'll survive.

[K2z]

Snap poll. Who thinks that this Thai woman knew the Euro guy before April?

 

I've assumed they met in April when she went to visit her sister. But others suggest I was being double timed all along while she was in Thailand.

 

That would change my inner chemistry on this whole issue.

[Blanco]

Snap poll. Who thinks that this Thai woman knew the Euro guy before April?

 

I've assumed they met in April when she went to visit her sister. But others suggest I was being double timed all along while she was in Thailand.

 

That would change my inner chemistry on this whole issue.

 

No it wouldn't.

[StBreton]

OP if she met him before it was over with you and the guy liked her, she may have put him as Plan B...why stress over when she met him? You're just driving yourself crazy. When she kept waiting and waiting for you to get your head out of the sand (your "timeframe") she lost faith in you and moved Euro guy to Plan A. This gal is not in her 20s ... was she supposed to wait and wait for you for another 3 yrs? You can keep putting this "she's Thai" thing out there, but you disrespected her by making her wait.

 

For the life of me I can't understand why you waited but Monday morning quarterbacking isn't going to change anything. It's just been my experience with guys that what they want they will take charge and make things happen (get the ring and ask).

 

It's done. You are still young enough to find someone to live out the rest of your years with. Sorry this one didn't work out. Don't dawdle next time.

[K2z]

Yeah I waited too long. Call it self-flagellation, but I don't know what else to do except punish myself. I don't know if I can forgive myself for being so stupid.

[mightycpa]

So I have to ask.. is this actually your first time to this rodeo? Because if it isn't, you already know this is all a temporary illusion.

 

And I guess if it is, you'll find out that this whole ordeal you're going through is all a response to a temporary illusion.

 

You just have to walk through this personal hellfire once to find out this is the truth.

[K2z]

Define "this rodeo." If you mean losing a woman I seriously wanted to marry, I suppose you would call it a second time.

[StBreton]

Yeah I waited too long. Call it self-flagellation, but I don't know what else to do except punish myself. I don't know if I can forgive myself for being so stupid.

 

Why do you have to punish yourself? Grieve the loss and work on forgiving yourself. If you don't forgive, you'll become bitter about what happened. Maybe you weren't stupid ... maybe your hesitation was rooted in some subconscious realization that this gal wasn't right for you in the long run.

 

Look up the stages of grieving and do some work on that little by little.

 

You've posted some dark thoughts on these threads re: purchasing suicide pills. Was your only reason for living to be with this person?

[K2z]

The guilt, shame, and pain of losing her because of my own negligence are overwhelming, not to mention the finality of being replaced with a husband within 5-6 months. I am so angry with myself for failing to step up at the right time. And yeah it got pretty dark at a few moments there..it feels/felt like there's nothing to believe in.

[marky00]

OK. On one visit I said great, let's go to your hometown and meet your parents. Next step and all that, right?

 

Well I arrive, and she says now if we go to visit my parents you need to be 100% sure (of marriage plans) and they will ask you questions about when, where, how, etc. She said if she brings one man to her hometown she can never go back with another one because of the judgements and conservatism.

 

Well, I freaked out mildly. If indeed I was going to be engaged, I kind of wanted to dictate the timeline, you know? Not have it be branded on me by a trip to the parents. At the time, culturally, I didn't "get" the Thai thing. I thought meeting the parents was merely an important step and not a contractual obligation. So I backed out and said let's wait. The parents had been expecting our visit and apparently she told a fib to them to cancel the visit, and was very hurt in the process.

 

I had a second chance earlier this year, but delayed again. More excuse making on my part. I thought, yeah, we're headed toward a life together so what's the rush? Can't we do this parents thing a bit down the road?

 

But, she was very hurt, and camouflaged that from me. She told me in our final email exchange that she "cried in her heart."

 

What was confusing is that even as I declined that second chance to go see the parents, I outlined a plan to have her move to my city, I would enroll her in an intensive English class so we could communicate better, get her a part time job in the field she loves, and we would marry by the end of the year. She said "very good plan." So there was some dissimulation going on.

 

It's neither her nor there. She's some other guy's wife. Butmy freakout continues.

 

Man your story is so much like mine.

 

I think you may being too harsh on yourself.

 

Like my Ex, yours was making it as difficult as possible to make it happen. Like she takes you to the outskirts of her village and then freaks you out just at the wrong time. Man thats on her, not you.

 

Our stories are very similar. I blame myself a lot... but dont u think your wife to be would be a little more helpful rather than throw all the negatives in your face as the most vulnerable time.

 

At the end of the day is that Thai women simply wont westernize as much as they try. Like me, you tried to respect her culture but I bet she didnt try and respect yours.

 

Like me, you seem to be a procrastinator. My ex always used to say to me "you think too much". I think procrastination is unattractive to the Thai culture, or at least it was to me Ex.

Edited November 23, 2015 by marky00

[mightycpa]

Define "this rodeo." If you mean losing a woman I seriously wanted to marry, I suppose you would call it a second time.

Then why all the hand-wringing? You know from experience that you're going to be able to live with it. You tell us how important marriage is to you, yet you actively avoided it. There must be an actual reason, other than you're a dunce.

 

You know what I'm saying? Could it simply be that this is the post-breakup desperation/obsession having its day in the sun?