broken guy Posted May 27, 2005 Posted May 27, 2005 Basically, her friend sent her an email explaining that I had not said anything bad about her, I had spotted this in a weak moment when I bust into her mail. Also mentioned that I felt bad about everything that had happened and I was hurting bad and needed a friend as my family falls apart. Her reply was pretty simple; she wishes she had never told her ex housemate all this recent news and when she saw the email from her, she was pretty pissed with her for saying what she did about me; she knows in her heart of hearts that she does not want to try again despite the circumstances that surrounded her decision to break up with me in an email; she does care about me and wants to be my friend and support me in any way she can as my family falls apart and finally that I just have to accept her decision and move on which, she admits, is easy for her to say (as she has moved on whilst she was still with me and has everything she wants now!). She says if I cant do that then I will just keep hurting and there will be nothing she can do for me. She said if I want to be her friend then to please contact her as she does not want to cut me from her life, I dont know....I dont want to cut her from my life but I think I have to. What shall I do? As a reminder, she is 24 and Im 28, this was a 4 year relationship so I need some experienced advice. Thanks.
Author broken guy Posted May 27, 2005 Author Posted May 27, 2005 As an afterthought, should I mail back and tell her that maybe, one day, we could be friends but its too hard for me so dont contact me. Or maybe explain to her what the shrink told me about everything that has happened. I still think we can work this out if we had the chance. After all, I have 4 years with her and told her that I want to commit myself to her forever and this guy has 6 months only, 2 of which they have been dating for. It tears me apart inside knowing that she would have takeen me back if I had confronted her 2 months ago before I went home for a break from work.
suegail Posted May 27, 2005 Posted May 27, 2005 I had a little difficulty following your story, but I think I understand that she is offering you a friendship, which is not what you're really interested in, at least, not at this time. I would say, yes, write her and tell her just that - - that you are not emotionally prepared to be there as 'just a friend' at this time, and that you need some recovery time, some distance, so that you can get it into your head and accept that the relationship is over, the relationship that you had. Staying in contact will make it next to impossible for you to go forward with your life, because you are in love with this person, and she apparently no longer is in love with you.
Author broken guy Posted May 27, 2005 Author Posted May 27, 2005 My story is floatng around here in pieces and there is a link to the FULL story somewhere. Yes, I love this girl and I think I always will. I always said that she was perfect for me but I never asked her to marry me as she was still in Uni at the time and I didnt think we were totally ready for it, even though I promised myself I would 2 years ago. I honestly dont think I can speak to her ever again, I have to cut her out of my life and that kills me to even THINK it. I just want to tell her one last time that she made this decision based on the actions of a manically depressed person at the time and that I should have been given a chance, the same chance I gave her. To tell her that, even in her mail, I can tell if she gave us the chance that we would work, it my be scary but its worth a shot. But why bother? I think I should just let her wonder what I ended up doing with myself.
Candy Cane Posted May 27, 2005 Posted May 27, 2005 I had an ex-boyfriend who thought that we could still "work out" after I broke up with him. Nothing infuriated me more than hearing him say that. I absolutely hated the guy and the relationship was completely one sided in his mind. He didn't care if I wanted to be a part of it or not. Nor did he think it mattered all the horrible things he did to me, like choke me and ruin all my property. I know you're not "that" guy, but all the same, don't put your feelings on her. She has to be willing. Also, I think it's a really bad idea to tell her about your problems. Do you want to look pathetic?
Author broken guy Posted May 27, 2005 Author Posted May 27, 2005 Well, the problems about my family she knows about now when I told her what had been going on recently and how it affected me in the relationship. I put that and my job first and for that I was truly sorry. I was so down that I cant remember what I used to do on the weekends from Jan-Feb. She just felt as if I pushed her away but I did it to protect her from the funk I was (temporarily) in. I find it difficult to understand why she would pursue another relationship right under my nose and not see the pain I was going through living on my own over an hour from her place with noone to talk to (I lived in the country). This is why I want to hate her and not talk to her ever again. I still cant shake the images of us together and the last tme I saw her when I went home for my break to sort myself out with her in floods of tears saying she was going to miss me and that I would only be away for 3 weeks so she neednt be so upset. What a difference 5 days were to her. E-mail break up...how pathetic. Anyway, I still think I should just let her go, I will bump into her soon I expect with the new guy, that day fills me with fear.
Author broken guy Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 Well, Im not going to do anything yet but I am thinking of just sending her a mail telling her she is giving up on 4 years due to a few bad months. She said in her heat of hearts she didnt want to give it another go, to me, this means that there IS a part of her that wants to try again and see how I have changed seeing as I have promised everything she wants. These are the things I want to tell her, just point out that her decision has been made during a bad patch, which I didnt really know she was going through, and I should be given the same chane I gave her. I would beg her to come back or confess my undying love for her, just say that Im not sure if we could be friends and for her not to contact me as I try to get over what she has done.
Candy Cane Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 Originally posted by broken guy She said in her heat of hearts she didnt want to give it another go, to me, this means that there IS a part of her that wants to try again and see how I have changed seeing as I have promised everything she wants. Yeah...let me know what she says when you tell her that. I'm telling you. If you continue to think this way and to contact her, there is a chance that she will end up hating you as I did my ex. Is that really what you want?
bstill Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 "Well, Im not going to do anything yet but I am thinking of just sending her a mail telling her she is giving up on 4 years due to a few bad months. She said in her heat of hearts she didnt want to give it another go, to me, this means that there IS a part of her that wants to try again and see how I have changed seeing as I have promised everything she wants. These are the things I want to tell her, just point out that her decision has been made during a bad patch, which I didnt really know she was going through, and I should be given the same chane I gave her. I would beg her to come back or confess my undying love for her, just say that Im not sure if we could be friends and for her not to contact me as I try to get over what she has done." You know this is a bad idea, and just overkill,and an attempt to get a reaction. She already knows how you feel. Whatever impulses might occupy the remainder ofher heart that doesn't include her heart ofhearts are of no concern, because they didnt compelher to reconsider. You know that you are reaching very desperately for something to holdonto here, and that is fine. I respect you for it, because you hold on out of love and desire to atone for the mistakes you have made. She has made mistakes, too, and you've got let them be only her mistakes, and maybe leaving you is one of them. Its done, and its your time, now, to own the pain you feel. Make it yours. What you want to do is get her to take some of your pain, make her feel you, in that sense. You want to say toher that she should not contact you because you need time to get over what she has done. This isn't true. You would desperately want her to contact you within a very specific parameter of penitence, and the way you want ot tell her about your need for time requires you share with her how deeply hurt you are. I'm not saying you should never talk toher again. Keep your distnace, be polite when you encounter her, but don't contact. I know this hurts a lot. But it is better to hurt now. My ex did the same thing. Those were some dark dark days, and they are mine and mine alone. I will never share with anyone the full extent of it. It is time to bear the full weight of the hurt you've been carrying. Do what you can to make peace with it and realize that the time you and your girl were given has come to an end.
suegail Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 I agree with the last poster. You don't want her to remember you in that way, as someone who was basically begging her for another chance. She's said that it's over. Okay. It's over. I doubt that you need to write her and explain, from your perspective, why it's over, and/or why she may have made a mistake, or why you should have another chance. She's made her decision, for good or for bad, she's made it. Leave it at that. Show her that you can be strong. I realize that you're depressed; I know you're sad, but don't let her see any of that. Let her hear that 'hey, he's out jogging two miles a day. (just an example) He's smiling all the time." If you happen to see her or hear from her, be cheerful and don't mention the breakup at all or the past, get on other subjects, as if it's the furthest thing from your mind.
suegail Posted May 28, 2005 Posted May 28, 2005 as an aside, I did say in the first post that I thought it would be okay to write her and tell her you don't care to be in touch as 'a friend' at this time, and I do think that would be fine as long as you get right to the point, being careful as to how you choose your words, but once that is done, let it be done, and thereafter try and take my next advice. Be as strong as you can.
Author broken guy Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 I hear you all. I just wish I had found this site BEFORE I went round to her house 2 weeks ago to confess that I had been holding in a LOT of pain from work and from family problems. I told her how this had prevented me from popping the question previously and how I had sorted myself out at home and had ordered a spcaially made engagement neckless that we had talked about 6 months or so ago. How I had changed and matured, how I had accepted myself and my past and that we were the best team ever. We complimented each other so well and supported each other so well. Its so hard not to keep trying as I know she said she didnt tell me the truth as she was scared shed take me back. THAT is what gave me and maybe still gives me the hope! I was told not to talk to her at all when this started 2 months ago and I didnt for a while. The I acted cool around her and that seemed to work quite well, we had a good time and she got upset when she thought shed never see me again. But then I got the divorce news and just broke down in front of her and stopped shirt of begging her, just telling her that her reasons were wrong and, in some cases, made up! She admits miscommunication was the major thing. That angers me too as we lived in different places and she worked mornings and I, evenings so we only ever saw each other on the weekends and on some weekdays for lunch at her place IF I could make it depending on where I was working that day. Im frustrated that 4 years ended like this. I wasnt even THERE when she made the decision and had no say in the matter. She didnt even want me to go back to the country and then she didnt want to talk about it. This is why I just want to tell her the simple MAIN fact of the matter and tell her to leave me alone while I try to sort out her mess.
Author broken guy Posted May 28, 2005 Author Posted May 28, 2005 Oops! In an earlier post I say that I would beg to take her back, I wouldnt. It wont work, it would if I have done it before or if she didnt have the rich, fat guy now. I am in a vicious circle and I keep beating myself up over this. My brain kept telling me to just embrace her and talk about all the problems and move in with her again but stress held me back. I put things before her that I shouldnt have. She was so cute, intelligent, perfect body (and I MEAN perfect! Curves the lot), great in bed, she could cook, draw, dance, make things and she was MINE and she loved ME. Then she strings me along while she sees if the new guy will be good for her, that way, she has no pain to suffer from all of this. I deserved better treatment. Yet why do I still burn for her? Im so scared that this was it, she was my ONLY chance of escaping from my mundane life and hell back home. She was, I know it. I have not contacted her yet, if I do I dont know what I'll say. If I will just say, please dont contact me, I need time to get over you and I dont know if I will ever do it. Or add that I will not be able to forgive her for her actions and I need time to get over this. Or add the "heart of heats" plus the "I was scared of taking him back" comments, just so that I will get the final word on the subject then tell her to leave me. Or just not do a thing which will mean that I dont want to be her friend as that is what her last line was: "If you still want to be friends, please contact me" I think I have become a rambling fool! Who wants to shoot me?
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