Rebel_lover Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I'm in a difficult situation with my ex. We are both in our early 20s. We were together for two years, and for the first year and a half, things were great. Then we had to go long distance for 3 months, and I was resentful that he didn't come and see me at all during that time. We fought a good deal, about little things, and conflicted about politics. We nearly broke up, around 2 months into our LDR, but decided we'd wait and see how things turned out when he came back. After he came back, things got better. We still argued, but it was mostly due to the stress of school and work. One weekend, I was upset with him for standing me up when he agreed to come over for the night after a meeting, and I told him I felt like I wasn't important to him because he always put school and work ahead of me. He apologized with flowers and everything, and I forgave him. I thought we were fine, but two days later, I called him because I hadn't seen him since that weekend, and I was worried, and he told me that he didn't think we should be together. That night, we met up and talked, and he agreed to think it over some more, and we'd talk more the next day. The next day, we discussed every aspect of our relationship, and how we could change things to make it better. I thought we made progress, but he kept insisting, "I just can't see us working out". He told me he still loved me and he didn't want to leave me, but he felt like our relationship wasn't going anywhere. The next day, he started ignoring me completely. I freaked out. I did everything wrong. I begged and pleaded and cried, but he continued to ignore me. The begging continued for 4 days, during which time I learned from a friend that he had been unhappy with our relationship since the summer. I stopped talking to him, intending to do no contact, but we had a school conference coming up in three weeks. After two weeks of no contact, I texted him, asking if he was ready for the conference. He replied, and we had a very polite conversation. The next day, I asked him if he wanted to try to be friends, and he said yes. We continued talking, for the two weeks until the conference. At one point I asked him if he legitimately wanted to be friends with me, or if he was just talking to me to avoid awkwardness at the conference. He assured me that he actually wanted to be friends. Aside from those two questions, I refrained from bringing up our relationship in any way. During the conference, he started out cold and distant, but as the 5 day trip went on, he relaxed. We spent most of the trip together, exploring the city and hanging out. We shared an ice cream sundae, he let me lean my head on his shoulder, and he called me several of the nicknames he used to call me. However, I learned during this trip that he has been texting another girl. He didn't text her while he was spending time with me, and he didn't know her prior to our breakup. He always hid his phone screen when he received a text from her, and he bought her a souvenir from the city while I was with him. When I asked who it was for, he acted very defensive. I don't know how serious he is about her. On the way back (a 7 hour bus ride), we talked about politics, and I think he realized that we aren't nearly as different as he used to believe. During the trip, I felt almost like I had him back. For the five days after the trip, he was acting distant again. I initiate all of our conversations, and while he is friendly when we talk in person, he doesn't go out of his way to talk to me. Yesterday, I made a huge mistake. I sent him a text asking what he wanted out of our friendship, because I had felt like I was the only one who wanted the friendship. He didn't reply, and hasn't since then. We were talking about meeting up today to get some schoolwork done, but he won't respond to me at all. I was his first girlfriend, so I don't know how he is thinking or what he wants. We were very VERY close, and the breakup came as a total shock to everyone. Obviously, I still want him back, but I'm not sure how to proceed. I fear that if I start no contact now, it will just push him towards this other girl, but I also hate that I am starting almost all of our conversations, and I don't know if I screwed up my chances by asking what he wants our friendship to be. I don't want him to pity me, but I want him back. What would be your advice on how to proceed? I've made every change he and I talked about when we discussed what was wrong with our relationship, but I don't know how to show him. Any advice would be great! I still feel as though he is the man I am meant to be with. I've been working on improving myself, and I've lost 30 pounds since the breakup. I'm finding God for the first time in my life, and I am working on my self-confidence issues. I don't think my ex thinks that people should get back together once they break up, and I'm desperate to prove him wrong.
Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) What chances? Sorry to say that you have never had a chance to ruin. He has made it abundantly clear that he doesnt want you but you wont let him break up with you. Now you're trying to force a friendship to try and get him back. I've never asked a friend what they wanted from a friendship so when you asked him that he realized you still want to get him back and now he is blanking you. He has dumped you and has a new GF and you keep forcing yourself on him. I am sorry to say that this other girl was likely the reason he wanted to break up with you. He met her he prefers her and he doesnt want to be with you. Just give it up. He texted her and bought her presents on the trip ...arent you embarrassed at yourself for still chasing him. If you want to regain some self respect and dignity, go NC and do it now. Stop doing the "pick me dance". There is another girl on the scene but you are dancing around shouting: oh pick me! (proverbially). I am not saying NC will get him back, it wont. It will only help you recover some dignity. Imagine if you didnt want someone in your life, were interested in someone else and the one you dont want kept forcing themselves on you. How would you feel towards them? It wouldnt make them want you back I'll bet. I will say that I am not over my ex, I think about him every day, I would give anything to see him again, but he admitted meeting someone else, admitted just using me until he met someone else. I dont contact him....why? I refuse to throw my dignity away too. He doesnt want me I am not going to try and change his mind. Imagine how much worse it would look if I hung around trying to stay in touch when he has told me he has another. Edited November 21, 2015 by Amelie1980 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 No, you didn't ruin your chance, because he's already closed the door. I think he fell back into some old habits a bit when at this conference, but that's about it. It didn't mean he had any intention of re-exploring a relationship, but I understand why you're a bit confused by that. As the above poster said, you are the one who offered friendship and rather kept pushing for more even when you knew he is probably seeing someone else. He'd already decided the relationship was over and I think he probably doesn't know what to say to you that wouldn't be hurtful to you. It seems as though you didn't want just a friendship from this and he realized it and backed away so as not to lead you on anymore.
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