Why WOULDN'T a FWB work for you?

[Robratory]

No, it was. Read the title of that reply:

 

"maybe your friends are ugly"

 

Ah, you're right! Sorry...

[SwordofFlame]

Knowing that the guy is using me as a fleshlight? No. Not enjoyable at all.

Oh cmon there have to be some women out there that lust after guys and maybe even use the guy for sex too.

[xxoo]

Oh cmon there have to be some women out there that lust after guys and maybe even use the guy for sex too.

 

I'm sure there are.

 

There are also women who are just horny and maybe desiring some adult attention, and find that with someone they trust and like well enough--but don't want a relationship.

[Buddhist]

Oh cmon there have to be some women out there that lust after guys and maybe even use the guy for sex too.

 

Sure there are some women. But I wouldn't hold them in the vast majority. For me, the physical sensations of sex aren't so great that I lust after them. In fact without the emotional connection the physical sensations have no meaning and are quite boring if you really want to know. It's a mind-body connection , the pleasure I feel is directly related to the connection I feel with the guy.

 

So having sex with some guy purposefully holding off on connecting would be about as exciting as clipping my toenails. Kind of a pointless exercise and the negative emotions I feel about being used in that way would take over, killing all desire. It's why I've never had casual sex, no point.

 

My libido also ramps up or scales back depending on if I have a guy in my life or not. When I'm single I rarely feel the urge. It actually takes a mutual attraction and connection for me to even be aroused in that. That's been true my whole life, even when I was younger. I find this aspect quite convenient to tell you the truth.

[neowulf]

Recently found myself in a developing FWB situation.

 

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that;

 

a) One of both of us is going to be hurt by the situation.

b) Sex without connection is empty, unfulfilling and ultimately lonely.

c) I'm not really built psychologically for them.

 

I found out yesterday that my FWB decided to tell an ex (who's she's close friends with) about what's happened.

 

Needless to say, I'm not really feeling terribly popular at the moment.

 

It shouldn't really bother me. This ex and I haven't been together in well over a year, but yeah, it kind of does. I'm concerned she's going to think I'm doing it to screw with her friendship or something. It's the last thing I wanted to do.

 

I'm thinking of ending it shortly. I don't think FWB are worth the hassle. I'd rather have avoided it and kept my friend.

[neowulf]

Thank you for this specific male insight. It really opened my eyes. However, how is it even possible for YOU to not start to like a girl alot more after having sex on a regular basis? Are men like this just robots with no feelings or heart?

 

It's almost like the women in a FWB situation tend to want to grow closer & want to spend more time, whereas the men start to grow further apart from the woman as more time passes & they want them less and less. It's a no-win situation really.

 

A fundamental misunderstanding women have about men. The ability to completely compartmentalise sex from love.

 

A man can screw a women he doesn't particularly like, doesn't find interesting or engaging. A women he has zero intentions of taking things further with. That's just how some men are put together.

 

If a woman can't trust herself not to develop feelings, then she really shouldn't be involved in a FWB situation to begin with. It'll only end poorly.

[Els]

Straight men get into FWB arrangements with women. Thus, at least some women want these arrangements.

 

In some of the cases (especially some notable ones on this board) the woman is settling for breadcrumbs hoping for more because she unfortunately likes the guy and can't get over him. That doesn't really count as 'wanting a FWB' IMO.

 

I'm not denying that some women genuinely want FWBs too, just that I think they are fewer in number than the men, and that your logic isn't really sound.

[Shining One]

In my experience and observation, lots of guys claiming to want a relationship often try to segue women into a casual situation.

It can be a bit more complex than this. I will start off dating a woman with the intention of building a relationship. In the process of dating her, I may discover deal-breakers that would move her out of the "relationship material" pile into the FWB pile. If she asked me on date two what I was looking for (with her), my answer would be a relationship. If she asked me what I was looking for (with her) the morning after the fourth date, my answer would be different.

I have never personally met a man who suggested one of these arrangements in a straightforward and honest manner.

All of my FWB arrangements were straightforward. Most of them were exes or a previous ONS, so sex had already happened.

[RecentChange]

I am a straight female.

 

I really enjoy a good "FWB" arrangement. Unlike many, I don't need an emotional connection for great sex, and I actually have some of the most satisfying sex outside of a "relationship" - something, I don't know, primal about it that really gets me off. I relish in a good F' buddy arrangement.

 

I have had a few of these over the years, ranging from a handful of times together, to two years of steady "relations".

 

Things that have made it work / made it fail:

 

Not actual " friends" more like acquaintance, someone that I am basically compatable with, sexually attracted to, but do not want to "date" for some reason. FWB thing WILL come to an end - friends are people I want to keep around

 

Clear expectations. Adult discussion setting out boundaries etc. Always agreed either party could call it off at anytime, for any reason.

 

Why have they failed? Most didn't... Most ended when one of met someone to get exclusive with (automatic "ender" as agreed upon!)

 

The dude I had the longest run with wanted a girlfriend, and ended it - so you could say emotions. Most recent guy was cheating (its ok to hate me) and ended it (said guilt was the reason).

[RedRobin]

It can be a bit more complex than this. I will start off dating a woman with the intention of building a relationship. In the process of dating her, I may discover deal-breakers that would move her out of the "relationship material" pile into the FWB pile. If she asked me on date two what I was looking for (with her), my answer would be a relationship. If she asked me what I was looking for (with her) the morning after the fourth date, my answer would be different.All of my FWB arrangements were straightforward. Most of them were exes or a previous ONS, so sex had already happened.

 

Well, you are obliged to to tell the other person that your feelings and goals changed... Then let them go...Not wait for the iron maiden to press it out of you. It's called stringing. I don't like it when either men or women do it.

 

... Also, I don't see the logic or consistency in anyone who claims they are looking for a relationship, who then decides to tread water in a so called FWB. It's disrespectful to the other person to even suggest one. Which is why I go to great lengths to avoid men who have them. I have zero reassurance that he won't try to turn me into one and claim after the fact that is what I was... Rather than just staying up front that he isn't interested in a relationship with me. It is the chicken shyte approach... And frankly, just one more way for some men to disrespect women. I find nothing appealing about those men.

 

...as for the women who claim to have them. I don't know any personally. Some women here say they have them. In real life, if a guy claims to have had one, I want to ask her to verify, otherwise it's BS most of the time. Just a guy stringing or cheating.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Knowing that the guy is using me as a fleshlight? No. Not enjoyable at all.

Well that would be YOUR choice to be used as a fleshlight. Women who successfully have these kinds of relationships are getting exactly what they want from the guy and vice versa.

[RecentChange]

Knowing that the guy is using me as a fleshlight? No. Not enjoyable at all.

 

I happen to really enjoy sex. So no, I am not being "used" I am getting a very enjoyable experience without obligatations or strings attached. Some women like sex as much as men do

 

Oh cmon there have to be some women out there that lust after guys and maybe even use the guy for sex too.

 

Raises hand! Yep, although, while sometimes I feel like I have used them, I do try to stop short of manipulating them to get my way.... But its hard to take the moral high ground when I am super lusty for a guy!

[Buddhist]

I don't think that's how it is. In a FWB arrangement, both people are supposed to be in it for themselves and agree on the parameters. BOTH getting the enjoyable free sex! There is nothing bad about that. I just could not do it.

 

If one of the people "catches feelings " and evidently it's often the woman that doesn't mean that the other person did anything selfish or "used" anybody.

 

I know the idealised concept. But I've never met a single woman who looked at that concept and said....yeah this is me. Except the poster on here, but she's admitted to cheating on her husband and also sleeping with a guy cheating on his partner too. So little wonder I've never met these people if that's what they are. I don't tend to hang out with multi-partner people. Her input kid of proves my point though, that it is a situation favoured by selfish people, certainly she doesn't seem to think anythings amiss with being a party to cheating.

 

What's supposed to happen, and what does happen though are frequently two different things. The title of this thread is why wouldn't this work for you? Well, that's why it wouldn't work for me. I don't do emotionless connections with people, it's hollow and ultimately a waste of my energy.

 

In order to get the ideal of the FWB, well you have to find women who think disconnected sex is a great thing and important enough to engage in regularly. I wouldn't say they are in the majority. Frequently as already pointed out, it's usually some chick that doesn't have enough self esteem to find a real relationship hoping to get one out of some guy she's stuck on, by sleeping with him. Or some guy calling a dating situation or his actual relationship a FWB quite unbeknown to the other person involved.

Edited November 23, 2015 by Buddhist

[SwordofFlame]

In my experience and observation, lots of guys claiming to want a relationship often try to segue women into a casual situation... And will only come clean with their true intentions when pressed... And often, not even then. They will try to keep it casual as long as possible with lots of vagueness and wishy washiness.

 

I have never personally met a man who suggested one of these arrangements in a straightforward and honest manner... Which is why I am very suspect of any men claiming he had a FWB that was consented to by the woman. It is much more likely that at least one person thought they were building something... Then only afterwards, does the offending FWB wanting person decide to drop the bomb that they don't view them as 'relationship material'. It has never happened to me, but I have seen it plenty from my male colleagues and on here. Heck, I have seen men who had full on relationships with a woman claim to have just a FWB in order to avoid the cheater label. The few men who told me they had FWB, I am like... Right. Then find out after the fact that the woman thought they were dating and BF/GF. it's guys trying to come off as a stud... While trashing a woman who likely dumped him. I honestly can't think of one guy who had a FWB that I respect.

I don't think those situations count as actual FWB relationships because the woman doesn't think it's an FWB relationship.

[Charlie Harper]

Thank you for this specific male insight. It really opened my eyes. However, how is it even possible for YOU to not start to like a girl alot more after having sex on a regular basis? Are men like this just robots with no feelings or heart?

It's almost like the women in a FWB situation tend to want to grow closer & want to spend more time, whereas the men start to grow further apart from the woman as more time passes & they want them less and less. It's a no-win situation really.

 

You are welcome! Well it happens both sides specially if one of the FWB partners is handsome/hot or popular, its difficult not to feel things when having good sex with someone you like a lot or its popular, you want to keep him/her. A lot of guys get into a FWB relationship and the woman have some reservations on the guy or simply she is not looking for commitment, but like you as a friend with benefits.

 

If you are going to engage in such activities you need to be very clear, direct and keep your word on it, if it changes and you don't care you should say it, its coward to take advantage of someone who is developing feeling towards you and mislead them just because the sex is great. (its the case most of the time since feelings are uncontrollable by nature, but you can see the signs and put a stop to it)

 

Because I want/wanted a real, long-term, committed relationship for myself and I wouldn't settle for something that doesn't meet all of my wants and needs and has no chance of fulfilling my goal or something that eventually would make me feel unfulfilled emotionally or run the risk of becoming emotionally attached while knowing the guy isn't going to change his mind and decide he wants more with me.

 

but are fine with a FWB arrangement -- A significant number of women will tell themselves they would be fine with an FWB arrangement because they really like a guy who doesn't want a dating scenario with her and lies to herself and eventually is disappointed, hurt and confused because when she let's her feelings be known and he can't return them, the arrangement ends. In addition, she usually says the guy used her, when in fact, he was pretty upfront with her about everything and she chose to ignore.

 

A agree with this, but you are assuming that someone needs a relationship, and FWB or FB don't want a relationship, you only want regular sex with somebody you trust and no hassles involved, no recriminations, no other rights. In the real world its very difficult, hence why I said I was done with that!

 

In my experience and observation, lots of guys claiming to want a relationship often try to segue women into a casual situation... And will only come clean with their true intentions when pressed... And often, not even then. They will try to keep it casual as long as possible with lots of vagueness and wishy washiness.

 

I have never personally met a man who suggested one of these arrangements in a straightforward and honest manner... Which is why I am very suspect of any men claiming he had a FWB that was consented to by the woman.

 

I think both people enjoy the sex. I am capable of enjoying just the sex... But again, I don't see any value in spending even one bit of emotional energy on THAT guy. I would rather have a fresh face and new penis every week that I could just hit click on the text or call reject... No doubt about the casual in that context... Which is entirely possible , but not my thing.

 

I have been pretty straight forward and even then the train derails sooner or later.

Example:

 

I met this Miss X in a Store, I made some jokes and we got into conversation, it turned out she is one of the closest friends to one of my female friends (divorced and a solid 9), so I told her where I work she makes the connections and tells me do you know "miss Y" by chance and I tell her I do! So she gets confortable with me and invites me for a coffee, we talked and got our phone numbers. She calls me a week later and tells me I was a "topic" on a dinner with her friend, and tells me " Miss Y told me that you divorced and you are in celibacy, I laughed and told her WOW! the word is spreading!, She told me she did not believe me I was over a year of no sex, and I told her the exact day count, she laughed and told me : well I can help you with that! I told her I did not want any kind of attachment or having a relationship, and in my experience sex only for the sake of sex always got me into trouble or heartache. She was very forthcoming and convincing and I broke my long streak of sexless life. Fast forward 2 months, we had really good sex, and she then gave an expensive present, I told her the relationship was not for that and she insisted because My birthday passed, and she forgot, then the really nice words while having sex started, till one day when she hugged me kissed me and told me "I love you", in that moment I knew I had to break it because I really cared for her but I did not want a Relationship, and I did it being honest and we are now in a N (sex) C period because she told me she really likes the sex, and if she finds someone steady or more committed, she will go for that, I told her that if I wanted or needed a relationship she would be the first to know. We are now seeing each other 2 or 3 times a month to talk, laugh and have good time as friends....but I was honest.

 

Recently found myself in a developing FWB situation.

 

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that;

a) One of both of us is going to be hurt by the situation.

b) Sex without connection is empty, unfulfilling and ultimately lonely.

c) I'm not really built psychologically for them.

 

I found out yesterday that my FWB decided to tell an ex (who's she's close friends with) about what's happened.

 

 

Miss X and I put the rule that NOBODY except maybe our therapists would/should know about our "arrangement", I did not want her to tell her my female friends that we were doing it, its a terrible way of putting noise in your friendships and making things awkward.

 

In my case I am done with ONS (they never are) and FWB (someone ends up hurt)

 

Good luck if you try to control your feelings!

[Shining One]

Well, you are obliged to to tell the other person that your feelings and goals changed... Then let them go...Not wait for the iron maiden to press it out of you. It's called stringing. I don't like it when either men or women do it.

I agree. However, I've never had to start this conversation since the women have always started the "where do you see this going" conversation the morning after. At that point, I discuss FWB and the vast majority decline. This is the usual process: Date X -> I decide she's not relationship material -> Spend the night together -> Where is this going conversation.

Also, I don't see the logic or consistency in anyone who claims they are looking for a relationship, who then decides to tread water in a so called FWB.

The search can be tiring and sometimes I need a break. I enjoy sex and prefer a FWB over a string of ONS (which can be a lot of work as well). If I have other women I'm pursuing at the time, I won't purse FWB.

It's disrespectful to the other person to even suggest one.

Why is it disrespectful? I don't see it as any different from a woman offering friendship when she determines a man isn't relationship material. It's an offer and the other person is free to accept or decline.

I have zero reassurance that he won't try to turn me into one and claim after the fact that is what I was... Rather than just staying up front that he isn't interested in a relationship with me. It is the chicken shyte approach... And frankly, just one more way for some men to disrespect women. I find nothing appealing about those men.

I'm a bit confused with this part. How does a man turn a woman into a FWB without her knowing? I can't speak for all men, but I treat my FWB and girlfriends very differently. Can you elaborate on your experience here?

[GunslingerRoland]

I know myself well enough to know that I'd get too attached.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm a bit confused with this part. How does a man turn a woman into a FWB without her knowing? I can't speak for all men, but I treat my FWB and girlfriends very differently. Can you elaborate on your experience here?

My big problem with this is the assumption that women are basically victims. If we are grown up, it's up to us to take care of ourselves. Just like it is for you guys, so if we aren't cut out for the FWB thing we need to not go there. Everybody who risks any kinds of relationships is ... running risks. It's not good for us women to presuppose that men are out to victimize us.

[Shining One]

My big problem with this is the assumption that women are basically victims. If we are grown up, it's up to us to take care of ourselves. Just like it is for you guys, so if we aren't cut out for the FWB thing we need to not go there. Everybody who risks any kinds of relationships is ... running risks. It's not good for us women to presuppose that men are out to victimize us.

I agree with you. I just don't understand how a woman can be "turned into a FWB" without her knowing. The difference between FWB and a normal relationship is how both parties treat each other.

[PaperCrane]

I know myself well enough to know that I'd get too attached.

 

Pretty much this.

[Miss Peach]

I agree with you. I just don't understand how a woman can be "turned into a FWB" without her knowing. The difference between FWB and a normal relationship is how both parties treat each other.

 

I'll admit this has happened to me. There as a guy who was consistent, called me daily, always there for me, and treated me better than any of my exes. I thought he was my BF. But he just saw me as a FWB since that is all he was capable of. He wasn't a relationship guy. It wasn't until I pushed progressing things that he admitted he didn't see that in me.

 

There is a lot of ambiguity nowadays and I think some people like to use it to their advantage. That's why I really respect when people are upfront and explicit about what deal they want to strike.

[Rydo]

FWB's work fine as long as both people know the deal and can be mature adults about it. Most people enjoy sex and some of those people don't want a relationship.

 

The idea that one person or another is being used is laughable.

[brokengirl85]

Fwb didn't work for me. If I really like someone, I get attached very fast, so for me having sex is indeed an act of love. I wouldn't have sex just because. I need to have a connection, an emotional one.

 

I once had a FWB but didn't work too well. I fell in love, of course, but he couldn't reciprocate my feelings. And not only that, he decided he wanted to have sex still, knowing of my feelings for him.

 

So no. FWB is not an option for me.

[RedRobin]

I don't think those situations count as actual FWB relationships because the woman doesn't think it's an FWB relationship.

 

 

That doesn't stop guys from calling her his 'FWB' or F-buddy. *shrug*

 

 

Which is why I will never date a guy who has them.

 

 

As for the argument 'I like sex just as much as a man' used to support FWB, etc...

 

 

I like sex just as much as a man. Maybe MORE than some men, if you ask me... It's kinda like that scene from 'Ratatoille'....

 

 

'You are awfully skinny for a man who likes food"

(food critic) "I don't 'like' food. I LOVE it. And if I don't LOVE it, I... don't.... swallow"

 

 

Same way I feel about sex. I love sex SO much, I wouldn't even think to pollute it by being anyone's eff buddy. No guy's d*ck is gold plated. Seriously.