whitney27 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I met this guy at college and we talked so I gave him my notes/textbooks. A month later he asked me to hang out as friends. Then he asked me to hang out at his place and we kissed. We hung out a few more times and we kissed and he always asked if he could see me again. He never offers anything, even water when I'm there. He has said I'm perfect. So recently I gave him the last of the notes. The other day I drove him back and forth to pick something up. I try to do nice things for him. I always ask about things going on in his life but he never asks me. I go out of my way for him. Today I referred to myself as his friend and he didn't kiss me which kind of hurt and he didn't ask to see me again. I feel like he was using me for notes and as a something to occupy his time, but maybe I screwed it up. Is there any way I can fix this? I do like him and he's nice. He said he wanted to spend time with me but I don't know what was wrong.
mystikmind2005 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Perhaps your overthinking small things? But what is important is his motivation for doing these things and it may take some time to get a clearer understanding of that. I'm not sure what is going on with the kissing side of things? Normally things heat up pretty quick once the kissing starts? Possibly he just wanted to get in your pants and when he realized its not happening he lost interest? It is definitely not a good attitude, but very common in younger men i think. Realistically the best you could hope to get out of such a guy is a casual fling, sorry.
Robratory Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I met this guy at college and we talked so I gave him my notes/textbooks. A month later he asked me to hang out as friends. . . . He said he wanted to spend time with me but . . . It's impossible to know exactly what his motivations were. However, for the future, here are two pieces of advice. First, don't do things for guys. Oh, of course, once you're in a mutually acknowledge relationship, you can do all kinds of sweet things for him, but while you're getting to that point, he's the one who needs to be doing all the nice things. Second, stay clear of guys who start off trying to be friends. They're either dishonest or they have some kind of hang up about their own desires. Men go through a phase when they're embarrassed, at least a little, about having sexual desires. So they try to pretend they don't have them. Insecurity can also drive men to act that way. They think they can sneak up on the girl, like a cowboy saddling a skittish horse. And these are just the logical reasons. They can also be just very indecisive. I'm afraid this one got away. Next time, set the hook deeper and reel 'em in!
Qboro90 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 While I'm sure there are more details to your story, from what I read in your OP i got the feeling that you were doing a bunch of things in hopes that he would say or do something to confirm he likes or appreciates you. Like you referring to yourself as his friend. Is he supposed to know that you were looking for him to say "wait... I thought we were more than friends?". Or that you wanted him to kiss you there? Quick tip... Once you tell and refer to yourself as a friend... A guys going to think you DONt like him or want him to kiss him. I feel like your creating this situations and tests in your own head and when you're with him and he's failing them. However he has no idea you're testing him and you're the only one who knows the answer you want. He'll never be able to give you that. You keep doing nice things for him yet haven't done the one thing you need to. Stand up for yourself and dictate where things go. When you go to his place and you're thirsty say "you know my parents taught me to offer your guests something to eat and drink when they come over". Or "here's the notes you asked for, do I need to give you notes on manners or are you going to take me to dinner or get me a drink from the fridge and be a good host for once?" It's fine to use sarcasm to get a serious point across. He might just be an immature guy who doesn't realize that these things he's doing aren't necessarily nice or mature so be the one to tell him. If he reacts poorly or shrugs you off then you'll see he's not the guy you wanna be with and you can fade him out. If he asks for a ride reply with "jeez... School notes, rides to and from places....does it say Taxi next to my name that I'm unaware of?" Or "you know, I give you notes, help you in school, drive you places.... When are you going to do something nice for me?" Straight up call him out. Otherwise he's getting the cow and milk for free... And the cows never complained of said that's a problem. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I disagree 1,000% with the poster who claims it's 'impossible' to know what this guy was thinking. No, it's not impossible. This little weasel's actions were as transparent as GLASS. OP, this guy couldn't even be bothered to offer you so much as a bottle of water while you 'hung out' at his place let ALONE take you out for a lousy cup of coffee or an ice cream cone, but he sure was happy to take your very expensive college textbook and ALL your class notes, wasn't he? Yeah, this user is a real Prince Charming, isn't he? And your 'reward' for being foolish enough to give him all this stuff and save him hundreds of dollars and LOTS of work in class was that he'd kiss you and pretend to be interested in you. He was working you like a fiddle. It's painfully obvious he's not attracted to you but was pretending to be interested in you to insure you'd continue foolishly handing him all the stuff he needed until you'd given it ALL to him. He knew all he had to do was pretend to be interested and you'd give him anything you've got - and that's exactly what you did. Jesus, STOP being such a doormat. You've handed him all your notes, gave him an expensive textbook, and now you're running this a*sshole all around town like a taxi cab. You're humiliating yourself. STOP it. He's not romantically interested in you at ALL. He's using you because you're foolish enough to keep throwing yourself at him and offering him things and he's a selfish jackass with no integrity who'll keep taking advantage of it. And now he doesn't even have to pretend to be interested and has stopped kissing you because you're STILL willing to jump around like a trained seal for him in the hopes that he'll like you. Stop it. Stop humiliating yourself.
Qboro90 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I think you're being a bit extreme Lois. If you read her OP it states that She only gave him 1 ride. Sharing notes isn't exactly the most abhorrent thing to do to someone if you have class together. So let's not make it sound like this guy had a master plan to use her for better notes and a taxi cab and easy hook up. She's the one who's bringing up the word "friend" when they hang out. She said he's asked her to hang out and see him again multiple times. The info she gives doesn't say that it's only to get her notes or a ride. And if he was just using her, then I'd think he'd wanna be getting laid instead of just kissing one another, no? She needs to be more assertive and look after her own self interests more. But she's also not being maliciously treated like you seemed to try and outline either. 2
Author whitney27 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Hi, thanks for all your advice. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, and I'm hoping he wasn't just doing it for answers. He did want to have sex but I said no because it was too early. We've talked a lot and I'm not sure if he has other girls maybe or if I hurt him by saying friend. Had I said girlfriend I thought it might scare him away. How should I ask him about what's going on? Should I ask to see him this weekend and see his reply? I feel like an idiot because he was extremely sweet and said the right things but last night he was different. I don't want to be the one to hurt someone.
xcupid Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Ask him if he wants to hang out. But don't use the word "friend" with him - he might think you've friend zoned him and he might want more than that. And don't be such a pleaser just because you like him. He should be reciprocating in some way too. Stick to your boundaries and get to know each other and see if something develops.
Recommended Posts