Gloria25 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 'The way we hurt people is by not communicating with them. Especially when we just behave how we feel in the moment without communicating why we did this/that' Ok, please consider the statement above from my fav podcaster on her March 31, 2015 show as you read this post. I'm behind in my podcasts and couldn't help but notice her statement today to address a woman who called in. The woman and guy are like 50s, both previously married and now single and knew each other for years. Dude said ILY, but she's not there yet although they are reconnecting and she gets sad when she doesn't hear from him. She doesn't want to lead him on. So, she wanted confirmation that she did right by saying 'She doesn't want to have sex with him, wants to get to know him and take time to do it'. I for one, applaud that woman for caring enough about this man to be clear where he stood with her and how she felt about him. Communication is important in dating, relationships, marriages. You just can't do some gesture and assume the recipient knows what you mean. People have "filters" and interpret things based on those filters. You might see yourself as "taking it slow", they may see it as "lack of interest". So, you gotta sit down and talk it out to make sure you both understand what's going on. I was so relieved when I heard the show today cuz dude's been making it look "I'm" asking for too much for him to simply have a coffee with me and we talk. He thinks that I should sit back and decipher what he does/doesn't do and/or ignore him. But then when I get hurt and decide to move on he'll either do a gesture or get mad saying that 'I was right, she never liked me in the first place cuz if she did, she'd give me time' What's so hard in doing what this woman did? Don't people get how communication is important in dating and relationships?
mrldii Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Agreed, communication is important...but with a huge qualifier. I saw you mention earlier today (on another thread) that you were thinking about the Mars/Venus words of wisdom. Generally speaking, women like extended verbal communication, as generally speaking, that's how we sort things out. Men, on the other hand (and again, generally speaking), prefer short, concise, let's-get-to-the-point communication. Your attempts at a two-hour heart-to-heart to get it all out on the table and out in the open so we're both on the same page, over dinner and drinks may be about as appealing and appetizing to him as spending two hours in the dentist's chair, getting all four of his wisdom teeth pulled. Without any anesthesia. Best of luck to you...I hope you two find a way to communicate clearly so both of you can say what you need the other to hear. 1
Author Gloria25 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Your attempts at a two-hour heart-to-heart to get it all out on the table and out in the open so we're both on the same page, over dinner and drinks may be about as appealing and appetizing to him as spending two hours in the dentist's chair, getting all four of his wisdom teeth pulled. Without any anesthesia. Best of luck to you...I hope you two find a way to communicate clearly so both of you can say what you need the other to hear. Thanks a bunches... I hear ya, there's something about men where they fear the "let's talk", but in my case I don't see why. Cuz either he's gonna say he isn't interested in me and call it a day, or he's gonna ask me for time...either way it works out for him because if he's ending it with me, he is the "ender" and whoever does the "ending" already made up their mind, went through the sorrow that the "endee" now has to endure. He also as warming arms besides mine to go to, so I don't see how this would hurt him. If he asks for time and I say "no", again he loses nothing. He never felt that strong for me in the first place and again, he has warm and loving arms to cuddle up to. For me, the silence and/or gestures is more painful...it's like a wound that was keeps on oozing. I rather pour a bottle of disinfectant on it now, scream in pain then put on a bandage and call it a day. I rather he do it now than later. And yes, part of me just wants to know "why". I don't wanna think I made up what I thought was there in my head. Again, communication so I can know if I misinterpreted things and so I won't do it again, with anyone else...ever.
mrldii Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Ahhhhh...sometimes verbal communication is over-rated, especially as the only means of communication. There are a million and one ways to convey a message; only one of them requires verbal utterances. If he's not receptive to spending time with you...that's communicating. If he doesn't answer when you call...that's communicating. If he used to see you three nights a week and now he sees you once every three weeks - if at all...that's communicating. If he used to cuddle with you for 3 hours after sex, and now just rolls over and starts snoring...that's communicating. I listen to everything a man says to me and to everything a man doesn't say to me...and to all those pregnant, silent spaces in between. Even (especially?) the most non-verbal man is always saying something. I make sure I hear it, whether he's said it or not. Because I get it, it's really not important that he find the words to tell me why he's just not that into me [anymore]. Best of luck to you...you'll get to the bottom of it, with or without his words spelling it out for you. You strike me as the type who will think it and rethink it and rethink it one more time, turning over every single rock, 'til you get to the answer that makes the best - and most - sense to you. This is not necessarily a bad thing. It's in that private, *obsessive* dissecting, that we often get the greatest insights into ourselves and what we will - and will NOT - tolerate, again. 2
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