is this sort of thing a sign of immaturity?

November 21, 2015

A few years ago, I liked a guy. I just liked him, nothing crazy. totally normal. he had taken me out before, and it was fine and we just sort of went our separate ways. but we'd occasionally talk and it'd be flirty. one time we ended up making out after a night of drinking. HE initiated it, but obviously, I wanted to do it. I liked him. I admit that here, and I can admit that to this guy NOW, but I'd never have done so at the time.

That's because of his actions. The first time we had gone out he hold me he found me attractive. but then when we made out, even though he told me he found me "hot" and was the one to initiate it, afterwards, he told me basically that it was a mistake and told other people that i initiated it and blamed it on me. we were both single, and he didn't get a girlfriend until over a year later. but i felt so humiliated and really doubted myself- it made me feel unattractive. I thought, am i just gross, that he's embarrassed about what happened. I felt like I was in high school or something. I didn't think things like this happened past college. The worst of it was after that we talked when i confronted him about how I was angry about what he did. I said something about how i hadn't thought it would be that big of a deal if we made out, and his response was "oooh, so it sounds like you were planning this for a long time." I said no, that's not what I said. I wasn't "planning" for it to happen of course!! but i wanted to do it when he asked me. I felt so sad that he was putting words into my mouth and it made me feel ashamed, as if kissing a guy i liked was like, this huge deal. we were both older than 25. When he said things like that, it made me want to DENY that i even liked him, like, it made me feel ashamed for liking him. (and of course this behavior made me like him less... but i mean for liking him before he did this stuff). and he also invited me to do stuff after that, and came to talk to me, and part of me thought that i was so confused, why does he want to be seen talking to me? i thought i was a hideous freak that he was so embarrassed about making out with that he had to immediately do damage control right after.

I have to admit that experience had more of an effect on me than i realized at the time. I am just realizing it now. I don't like to show any interest and I am more scared now because I am afraid someone will do something like this to me again. And i'm scared that i am so hideous that anyone i do something with with turn around and realize they are so embarrassed they did anything with me that they will deny it and tell everybody that I came on to them, instead of the other way around. With that guy i did sort of abruptly leave. part of me wonders if i hurt his ego by doing that but i doubt it. surely it's not that fragile to warrant such a reaction. i did it because i was just nervous. i liked him, and I'm not the clingy type. i'm the skittish type. I know it was years ago, but it left an impression.

Is this just something immature guys do? I mean what was up with accusing me of "planning" or orchestrating the whole thing? i felt like defeated, like i can't win with this guy. I still don't understand it. was he just so up himself?

Edited November 21, 2015 by HansonGirl

November 21, 2015

Yes, it's always immature to kiss and tell mutual acquaintances.

Try to see it like you would a car break-in. It's upsetting, but you know it wasn't personal. In this case, the guy was immature and acted poorly. It was nothing about you. And especially don't let it color how you feel about yourself. Take the high road.

November 21, 2015

Yes, it's always immature to kiss and tell mutual acquaintances.

Try to see it like you would a car break-in. It's upsetting, but you know it wasn't personal. In this case, the guy was immature and acted poorly. It was nothing about you. And especially don't let it color how you feel about yourself. Take the high road.

but I just don't understand what he was trying to accomplish by acting like I had this plan for a "long time." that comment caught me off guard. i thought, "what?!?!"

November 21, 2015

I don't understand why you feel like this is an embarrassment for you? You said he "basically said it was a mistake". Can you elaborate or be more specific? Because saying "that was a mistake we shouldn't have done that" is different from "i didn't want you to get the wrong idea so I feel kinda bad about kissing you the other day"

I sense that he may have been talking to another girl, or was involved with another girl at the time, so that could be the reason as to why he wanted to make others think that you initiated it. That way he can use it as an excuse if confronted by another girl as to why people are telling her he was kissing someone.

Or it's possible that while he leaned in and kissed you, he actually did feel like you were the one putting that emotion out there and making it available to do. You think he's the one who initiated it, and he thinks you were. Just trying to say that there's two ways to see things from two different peoples point of views.

But to my point..what's so terrible about you being the one who initiated? "Yea, we went out and hooked up.... Ok... And?" That's how you could've taken it.

Thinking that he's making himself out to be a victim who you forced yourself on is unlikely. Plus, if you two had interacted and flirted and other people were aware that you hung out or saw you together here and there, then it's obvious he's not completely unwilling or partly responsible.

When you brought it up to him about how he hurt your feelings by what he said to his friends , I'm guessing the way you worded it and your body language oe tone just led him to respond with a little teasing reply. Nothing deeper than that. Reading too much into that response isn't going to do anything. He probably just said it because he's a wise ass or thought it would get under your skin a bit. It's also a way he can answer without addressing why he said what he did to his friends in the first place.

Did you prod any deeper? Say something like "don't flatter yourself.... Seriously, why did you go outta your way to make it sound like I was begging to hook up with you? Dick move if you ask me". That might've worked better.

Either way, it's just an immature move at worst. Or just misinterpreted ideas of what transpired by two different brains. You even said he called you attractive and flirted with you. Who's to say he didn't tell people he thought you were attractive as well? Doesn't sound like he ever insulted or bad mouthed you.. So your ego and self confidence should be good.

November 21, 2015

This is so sad. It has nothing to do with you.

Just another reason why some women don't sleep with a guy even if they really want to! And then those women get blamed for being playing hard to get , psychological issues related to sex, low sex drive and millions of other labels!

OP, you didn't do anything wrong. You did what you thought was right but he wasn't worth it. Don't beat yourself over it.

November 21, 2015

The whole situation sounds very highschool-ish. You made out with him, you didn't have sex with him. Who cares who initiated it? The point is - the both of you made out. No matter what he says after (you started it, you're ugly, etc.) doesn't matter. Even if you started it, he went along. Even if he said you were 'ugly', he still made out with you. Anything negative that he says afterwards is just a blow to his own character.

The bigger question is: Why are you letting something like this that happened years ago (and quite frankly - not a life changing situation), still affect you? There will be people who get physical with you and turn out to be jerks. They may say nasty things about you after. It has happened to everyone at some point in their lives. It in no way determines your self-worth.

I think you should take some time and reflect on why this has such a huge impact on you.

November 21, 2015

He just wanted an ego boost. It´s got nothing to do with you.

Some insecure guys think it makes them look good to pretend there are girls chasing after them. Makes them feel even more superior to call her ugly...

I do wonder though why you are still thinking about it. He was clearly an imbecile with self-esteem the size of a needle. Stop letting it affect you.

November 21, 2015

I don't understand why you feel like this is an embarrassment for you? You said he "basically said it was a mistake". Can you elaborate or be more specific? Because saying "that was a mistake we shouldn't have done that" is different from "i didn't want you to get the wrong idea so I feel kinda bad about kissing you the other day"

I sense that he may have been talking to another girl, or was involved with another girl at the time, so that could be the reason as to why he wanted to make others think that you initiated it. That way he can use it as an excuse if confronted by another girl as to why people are telling her he was kissing someone.

Or it's possible that while he leaned in and kissed you, he actually did feel like you were the one putting that emotion out there and making it available to do. You think he's the one who initiated it, and he thinks you were. Just trying to say that there's two ways to see things from two different peoples point of views.

But to my point..what's so terrible about you being the one who initiated? "Yea, we went out and hooked up.... Ok... And?" That's how you could've taken it.

Thinking that he's making himself out to be a victim who you forced yourself on is unlikely. Plus, if you two had interacted and flirted and other people were aware that you hung out or saw you together here and there, then it's obvious he's not completely unwilling or partly responsible.

When you brought it up to him about how he hurt your feelings by what he said to his friends , I'm guessing the way you worded it and your body language oe tone just led him to respond with a little teasing reply. Nothing deeper than that. Reading too much into that response isn't going to do anything. He probably just said it because he's a wise ass or thought it would get under your skin a bit. It's also a way he can answer without addressing why he said what he did to his friends in the first place.

Did you prod any deeper? Say something like "don't flatter yourself.... Seriously, why did you go outta your way to make it sound like I was begging to hook up with you? Dick move if you ask me". That might've worked better.

Either way, it's just an immature move at worst. Or just misinterpreted ideas of what transpired by two different brains. You even said he called you attractive and flirted with you. Who's to say he didn't tell people he thought you were attractive as well? Doesn't sound like he ever insulted or bad mouthed you.. So your ego and self confidence should be good.

The thing he said was to my friend, who yes, saw is leave together, oh, gee i shouldn't have "let" Hanna "help me get home last night," I really like someone else and I really hurt Hanna's feelings. I didnt help him do anything. He kept trying to talk me into going home with him. Whatever the exact wording was, it made it sound like i invited myself over and insisted I go home with him. to me that is extremely embarrassing, since it wasn't remotely true.

and beyond that, he was physically grabbing and pulling my face towards him and all that. I was trying to listen to his music. There was absolutely no confusion about who initiated it. I did WANT to do it though, because I liked him. but it wasn't like this thing that i had planned out, the way he made it sound.

And it's certainly possible that he was talking to someone else. As he said, he "liked" someone else, and I believed him at the time (and was prepared to leave him alone and never talk to him again) but his actions after this happened were not consistent with him liking someone else and were not consistent with him being nice to me and leaving me alone. This is because even though he "liked" someone else, he had also publicly hung out with a different girl he had hooked up with in the past, and invited her to a party, and he kept coming around to where i was. there was NO SIGN of this other girl he supposedly liked. then i went to a party at his house, and neither the hookup girl or this mystery girl were there.

I totally understand the idea of it not working out - not every make out session goes anywhere, but the way he went about it, it made me feel like i can be cast aside because i'm getting in the way of this other girl, and like I don't matter, even thought i wasn't even the one who iniated things. so that's why it made me feel terrible. I'm not being very articulate. but that was the last time i really liked a guy, and now i'm scared to like someone because i'm afraid if they show an interest (like he did) he'll turn around and deny it and act like I seduced him or whatever. I was just very shocked that he did that. I felt sort of betrayed. In my younger days i've had one night stands that were more kind to me.

Even if it wasn't so public, - i do have reason to believe he told other people SOMETHING (not sure what exactly), even though i only talked about him to my very close friends- not to gossip but to cope and that sort of thing, you know what i mean. But i don't really care about whatever he said later on, because i expected it because I was unwilling to be friendly to him as if nothing happened. i wonder if other women do - i have a friend who stayed with a guy for a year, even after he THREW food at her and called her an idiot.... apparenly we women put up with a lot, maybe he never experienced someone walk away.

November 21, 2015

The whole situation sounds very highschool-ish. You made out with him, you didn't have sex with him. Who cares who initiated it? The point is - the both of you made out. No matter what he says after (you started it, you're ugly, etc.) doesn't matter. Even if you started it, he went along. Even if he said you were 'ugly', he still made out with you. Anything negative that he says afterwards is just a blow to his own character.

The bigger question is: Why are you letting something like this that happened years ago (and quite frankly - not a life changing situation), still affect you? There will be people who get physical with you and turn out to be jerks. They may say nasty things about you after. It has happened to everyone at some point in their lives. It in no way determines your self-worth.

I think you should take some time and reflect on why this has such a huge impact on you.

You are absolutely right EricaH, that's exactly what i've been doing lately. I have been doing a LOT of reflecting over the past month or so, trying to figure out why i instantly reject all these guys i've gone out with and why i stay far away. and then i came back to this. for some reason it really had a big impact. I think it's because the situation itself brought back memories of when i was bullied. he sort of reminded me of the boys who made fun of me growing up. but this was over 10 years after that. maybe i was so shocked people still did that. maybe i just made the mistake of having an image of this guy in my head beforehand, thinking he was a decent guy and then his behavior clashed with that.

but yes, in a nutshell, my goal in writing this is to figure out how to like, get over my fears that were caused by this situation and see the situation in a different light or whatever.

November 21, 2015

He was spinning the story and doing damage prevention/control because he was seeing another girl and didn't want her to get wind of this and find out who he really is.

That's my assumption.

November 21, 2015

He just wanted an ego boost. It´s got nothing to do with you.

Some insecure guys think it makes them look good to pretend there are girls chasing after them. Makes them feel even more superior to call her ugly...

I do wonder though why you are still thinking about it. He was clearly an imbecile with self-esteem the size of a needle. Stop letting it affect you.

thanks contel3 - something you said helped me figure this out somewhat - it's that i wasn't so confident about how i looked and whether i looked ugly or not. i thought maybe he is right, and what he is saying CONFIRMS what i thought of myself. this is eye-opening

i need to get out of this cage i've trapped myself in... worrying about what people like him think, because it's hindering my dating life. I'd like to get married some day. surely there are some people who find me attractive. i thought maybe even he did. (actually i had seen pictures of his long-term ex... and we could be sisters). i really need to stop looking for validation from the outside. perhaps this is part of the answer?

thank you...

November 21, 2015

He was spinning the story and doing damage prevention/control because he was seeing another girl and didn't want her to get wind of this and find out who he really is.

That's my assumption.

that was mine too, but for someone who supposedly didn't want anybody to know he certainly was doing a lot of yapping about it. not just to that friend. i only told my closest friends as a way of coping. i wasn't going around town like he was.

November 21, 2015

that was mine too, but for someone who supposedly didn't want anybody to know he certainly was doing a lot of yapping about it. not just to that friend. i only told my closest friends as a way of coping. i wasn't going around town like he was.

That's his guilty conscience speaking.

I know a few people who have told elaborate stories to cover up bad behaviour before anyone even suspected something was off.

November 21, 2015

That's his guilty conscience speaking.

I know a few people who have told elaborate stories to cover up bad behaviour before anyone even suspected something was off.

Hmm, interesting.

well anyways, like someone else said above, I think the real concern is for me to move on from this. it's like it really was traumatic for me. more than it should have been.

November 22, 2015

ok THIS is sort of what it felt like to me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsBfN8B7C88

1) he initiated it 2) actually did say that i was the initiator (in the movie the guy just said he'd tell people that 3) he harassed the girl afterwards and made he feel bad (the obscene tongue gesture, and tapping on her door)

modern day version of that (except for the rapey part)

Edited November 22, 2015 by HansonGirl

November 22, 2015

Sounds like you were both immature.

Him, obviously for acting like a jack-ass and putting your personal affairs out in public but you also sound like you need to get some perspective as well for letting his childishness have such a major impact on you.

November 22, 2015

Why he did it doesn't matter, it's how it impacted you is what is important. You can't let go because you never stood up to him.

You can either get closure by pouring out your anger down on paper OR you confront him and give him a piece of your mind. either way you need a way to finally release this.

November 22, 2015

Why he did it doesn't matter, it's how it impacted you is what is important. You can't let go because you never stood up to him.

You can either get closure by pouring out your anger down on paper OR you confront him and give him a piece of your mind. either way you need a way to finally release this.

I think you may be right. and I should also point out that i had to see him almost daily for 2 years after this happened, so it wasn't like i never saw him again (in which case, i think it'd be a lot easier to move on), and I also had to see how he was (apparently) friendly to other people, and I had wondered for a long time why is he nice to them but not me? although the rational part of me thinks don't blame myself and stop beating myself up because he was the jerk. if i told my mother something like this she'd shrug and say "well you obviously attract nut jobs" i don't really think that attitude is helpful. because it makes me think ok what's wrong with ME? yet i still always wonder well clearly they are capable of treating people with respect and kindness, why not me… again…. not good.

but i like your idea. i will get it out on paper

Edited November 22, 2015 by HansonGirl

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is this sort of thing a sign of immaturity?

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