When your ex has a blessed life

[Amelie1980]

So does he have problems or a charmed life? Perhaps you should decide that before proceeding.

 

Oh I was taking about two exes here. Ex one appears to have it all. Thats the ex that makes me the saddest.

 

Ex two is complicated. He cheats, lies, complains about work all the time, cant cope with anyting and sullen and moody alot of the time. He isnt as bad off as me though as I lost my job because I was sick. I'm recovered now though but struggling to get another one.

 

Anyones life looks more charmed than mine at the moment as I think I am getting very depressed.

[Grumpybutfun]

Look where you are going- either forward or backward, either on yourself or others. Only when you figure out where you are putting your energy, can you focus on getting what you want and need.

Best,

G

[Amelie1980]

Look where you are going- either forward or backward, either on yourself or others. Only when you figure out where you are putting your energy, can you focus on getting what you want and need.

Best,

G

 

I am putting all my effort into getting a new job. Nearly all my debt from college is paid. I want to buy an apartment.

 

But because I am not working at the moment and life is in limbo for me, I am dwelling too much on others and what they have.

 

When things are bad for you it makes everyone elses life look good.

[123321]

Oh I was taking about two exes here. Ex one appears to have it all. Thats the ex that makes me the saddest.

 

Ex two is complicated. He cheats, lies, complains about work all the time, cant cope with anyting and sullen and moody alot of the time. He isnt as bad off as me though as I lost my job because I was sick. I'm recovered now though but struggling to get another one.

 

Anyones life looks more charmed than mine at the moment as I think I am getting very depressed.

 

Ah.

 

Well cultivate those marketable job skills, and try to not verbalize the blaming of others for your past setbacks. Even if true it tends to make achievers (the people who are likely to consider hiring you) wonder if you're the sort of reliable person who takes charge and responsibility or not.

 

Good luck in your ongoing search, and (just a suggestion) try not to base your ongoing happiness on the success or failures of people you don't care about.

[stillafool]

Yeah but you are blaming his cheating on the fact that he hasnt met the LOHL.

 

There comes a time when you have to stop blaming not having met the right person for your problems and accept that your own behavior is the cause.

 

Is his cheating because he hasnt met the right person and he will magically stop doing it when he does? Or is it just who he is?

 

Actually I've seen this many times. Some guys will go from woman to woman because he never really loved any of them and then he meets someone who blows his mind. The next thing you know 6 mos after meeting her he's off to the altar. Normally that girl would never believe such a devoted lover was ever a cheater.

 

BTW, I'm not blaming his cheating on anything. He goes from woman to woman because these women are stupid enough to let him go and come back.

[foam12]

Comparing yourself or your life to anyone else doesn't do anyone any good. Think of if someone has a better title or gets paid more at work, then you become disgruntled because you know you do better than them. People then see you in a negative light. Think of what you are saying. If you see them on social media or hear about them having a great relationship after you, you will always compare what they have to what your relationship is, which only puts more pressure on you and your SO. On the flip side say your life is better than someone else, then you may have a lot of confidence and may make a remark to someone about your life being better, which then may come across as cocky and arrogant. Make yourself happy and do so without comparing your life to others'.

[Amelie1980]

Comparing yourself or your life to anyone else doesn't do anyone any good. Think of if someone has a better title or gets paid more at work, then you become disgruntled because you know you do better than them. People then see you in a negative light. Think of what you are saying. If you see them on social media or hear about them having a great relationship after you, you will always compare what they have to what your relationship is, which only puts more pressure on you and your SO. On the flip side say your life is better than someone else, then you may have a lot of confidence and may make a remark to someone about your life being better, which then may come across as cocky and arrogant. Make yourself happy and do so without comparing your life to others'.

 

I know it doesnt do any good. Its pointless because you dont know their background or if they are happy.

 

I for one never get cocky or think I am better than others. Because life is full of ups and downs and you never know when you could be on a down.

 

I dont have a SO at the moment. Or a job. I am very highly skilled but the market in my area is a bit quiet at the moment.

[contel3]

During my last break up I dealt with a similar issue.

 

There is one thing that really helped me. While searching the internet for people who experiences the same things, I found a post about a guy who compared himself to his ex and felt bad about it because she was "more social and had more facebook likes". This guy was a successful mechanical engineer who exercised regularly and he was losing sleep over how many facebook "likes" his ex got?

 

Reading this completely cured me. I realised that it really doesn´t matter where we stand in our lives, if we are unhappy, we will always compare ourselves to our exes, no matter how successful or how many qualities we have ourselves.

 

The only thing you can do is stop seeking validation from them. Only because he is a failure doesn´t mean you´re better than him. If he isn´t a failure it doesn´t mean something is wrong with you. Only because you will marry a few years later doesn´t mean he will have a happier marriage than you. Only because you don´t have a job right now doesn´t mean you won´t find one. Hapiness isn´t about being married or having a job. They may be just as unhappy as you are and you would never know about it.

 

Start to work on yourself. Stop seeking validation from your exes. Figure out what makes you happy. Give everything to improve your situation. Once you are truly happy you will realise you won´t give a rats ass about them. You owe this to yourself.

 

Good luck =)

[preraph]

I sympathize. I have a similar situation. Fortunately, me and the old bf are now able to be friends despite the fact everything comes to him so easily and that he had a hand in ruining my career. He has had a couple of blows, his second wife being a cheating psycho (ended up in jail for fraud) and a random house fire (no connection), but through it all he's been able to get and keep big jobs and make lots of money despite the fact he won't put on a tie, much less a suit. Don't know how he's gotten to be a VP of a major congomerate under those conditions. Some people, the waters just part for them. Over and over again. While others are dog-paddling for all their worth to stay afloat. Nobody ever said life was fair.

 

Seek happiness by doing the things you enjoy doing despite any obstacles. The joy of life is in the small things, cuddling with your kid or a good old dog, looking forward to bedtime when relax and watch tv, planting something and watching it grow. A big mistake many people make is putting their "fun" on hold while they wait for "the right one" to share it with. Never do that. You can have infinite fun just by yourself or with friends or pets. You just have to plan it and do it every day, every week, until life is more fun than drudgery.

[Kevin_D]

I think what hurts the most is that it forces us to realise that life isn't fair. Our parents taught us that if we are loyal to those we love, good things will happen. We were also taught that bullies would become lonely and miserable, while we would become happy and successful.

 

So, when the one we love so deeply, stab us in the back, dump us like garbage and run off with some bully, our last hope is to tell ourselves: "They will be miserable". And when we find ourselves mourning lost love after several years, while the ones who caused us all this pain seems to be happier than ever, it hurts like hell. Because it isn't fair.

 

The thing that really helped me was when I asked myself: "Would I want to trade positions?". That's when I realised how much I would hate myself if I had caused another person this much pain. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror. I don't care how happy a serial killer seems, I'm proud that I'm a better person.

[Amelie1980]

The thing that really helped me was when I asked myself: "Would I want to trade positions?". That's when I realised how much I would hate myself if I had caused another person this much pain. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror. I don't care how happy a serial killer seems, I'm proud that I'm a better person.

 

YOu know that is the once bit of solace I get from all this.

 

I have, in my last two relationships, given them a piece of my mind when it ended. Justifiably too. I have had the most appalling behavior from the last two. Lying, cheating, using. I wouldnt do that to anyone.

 

When I come out of a relationship, no one has anything to say about my behavior because I am not disrespectful or unkind. I form genuine bonds.

 

At the end of the day, you reap what you sow. If you keep being an ********* in life it will be your undoing.

[StBreton]

YOu know that is the once bit of solace I get from all this.

 

I have, in my last two relationships, given them a piece of my mind when it ended. Justifiably too. I have had the most appalling behavior from the last two. Lying, cheating, using. I wouldnt do that to anyone.

 

When I come out of a relationship, no one has anything to say about my behavior because I am not disrespectful or unkind. I form genuine bonds.

 

At the end of the day, you reap what you sow. If you keep being an ********* in life it will be your undoing.

 

If you do the above Amelie....you are already blessed. You probably have a blessed life and you don't realize it. Maybe start a gratitude journal ... starting with the ability to be kind and respectful ... you have this ability yet so many in life do not ... maybe because of their upbringing they cannot bring themselves to be good and to do the right thing. Go read the "having an extramarital affair" threads to see how many people have issues being kind and respectful.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your long illness and glad you are on the mend:) Go continue to create the life you desire.

 

Also ... you do seem to want that marriage type of relationship. My opinion is based on your response to ex #1's FB posts. I would make sure to vet your next boyfriend for his desire for this type of relationship. I wouldn't have dated your ex #2 to save my life.

[Chi townD]

I am privy to ex 1's life as I stupidly looked on Facebook a year ago and saw he was engaged to the one he cheated on me with . I then checked back to see if it went ahead and it did :-(

 

Ex 2 I actually have no idea what's going on now. He never seems that happy with his lot in life though and is moody and discontented. But I dont think he is as miserable as me.

 

 

 

Okay, with Ex number 1. I wouldn't consider his life blessed. Quite the opposite. There's a strong chance that his new relationship is not going to work out. About 7% of all relationships that start from an infidelity actually make it the long haul. Why? Because the foundation of their relationship was built on the pain of others. Basically, if she was willing to cheat WITH him, it will be easy to cheat ON him. And vice versa.

 

 

With Ex number 2. That's just speculation on your part.

 

 

 

 

Here's the rub, you need to focus on YOU! That other poster wasn't far off when he/she stated that we make our own luck. I usually say, we are in charge of our own happiness! You need to make some positive changes in your life so you can learn to love yourself again! Because, if you can't love yourself, how do you expect someone else to love you? These positive changes can be really simple! And I'll give you some examples on how it is going to benefit YOU!

 

 

First, get a new hairstyle, something people are going to like. Then, get a new wardrobe. Something conservative; yet, sexy. Hell, Christmas is just around the corner! Get gift cards to shop with. With a new hairstyle and new clothes, you want folks to say, "Damn Girl! You are looking HAWT!" That is going to help your self esteem and your confidence!!! This is very simple! Try it and tell me I'm wrong.

 

 

Then, get to the gym! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. Women don't like the idea of lifting weight because they're afraid that they are going to become too muscular. That's not going to happen because women don't have the hormone load that men do. All that will happen is a little muscle definition and tone. Sign up for a spin class or Zumba! Going to the gym is going to help you burn off the stress and frustrations that you are obviously having. Plus, you release endorphins that make you feel good! If you eat right and eat clean and get plenty of sleep, you're going to be working toward that solid toned and sexy bod that men are going to like. And you my catch some guys at the gym checking out your butt as you walk by in those yoga pants. You might think to yourself, "Perverts!" But, you'll be thinking it with a smile on your face! This is going to also help your self esteem!

 

 

Then, get new hobbies! Put yourself out there and meet new people! So, take a cooking class or dive lessons or community theater. Join a running club or co-ed softball league! Those people aren't going to bite and you're making new friendships!

 

 

Then, travel! Go see something new! Get out of the norm where everything you see reminds you of your Ex's! Plan, save and GO!!!! Find that wanderlust! There's a big world outside your door ready to be explored! Go see it! I truly believe that there's a guy out there for you. That will bow your socks off when you meet him. And he's looking for you right now. But, he's never going to find you if you don't PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE! Take chances and have fun with it!

 

 

Now, does ANY of that sound horrible? Does any of that sound out of reach? Girl, it is time to heal. Time to make positive changes and time to start loving yourself again. When you like who you are and love the life that you have, then good things happen for you. But, YOU have to take that first step into this new life. YOU have to give it a try. I can't do it for you. The only thing I can do is coach and cheer from a distance. And if you ever need that motivation. Me and others will be here.

[d0nnivain]

The fact that you know anything about not one but two of your EXs makes me wonder whether you are too fixated on them.

 

If you feel like their lives are charmed while yours is on a downward trajectory, perhaps spend more of your time righting the course in your own life & less time paying any attention to what they are doing.

 

Stay off FB & resist the temptation to look them up.

 

If he married his EX from before you, #1 is going backwards in life. Your supposition that # 2 is not as miserable as you has no basis in fact. Anybody who is that down on marriage & relationships, can't possibly be having an easy time in life or if it is easy, it's not sustainable.

 

It doesn't matter anyway. You have to focus on yourself, not them.

[Amelie1980]

Okay, with Ex number 1. I wouldn't consider his life blessed. Quite the opposite. There's a strong chance that his new relationship is not going to work out. About 7% of all relationships that start from an infidelity actually make it the long haul. Why? Because the foundation of their relationship was built on the pain of others. Basically, if she was willing to cheat WITH him, it will be easy to cheat ON him. And vice versa.

 

 

With Ex number 2. That's just speculation on your part.

 

 

 

 

Here's the rub, you need to focus on YOU! That other poster wasn't far off when he/she stated that we make our own luck. I usually say, we are in charge of our own happiness! You need to make some positive changes in your life so you can learn to love yourself again! Because, if you can't love yourself, how do you expect someone else to love you? These positive changes can be really simple! And I'll give you some examples on how it is going to benefit YOU!

 

 

First, get a new hairstyle, something people are going to like. Then, get a new wardrobe. Something conservative; yet, sexy. Hell, Christmas is just around the corner! Get gift cards to shop with. With a new hairstyle and new clothes, you want folks to say, "Damn Girl! You are looking HAWT!" That is going to help your self esteem and your confidence!!! This is very simple! Try it and tell me I'm wrong.

 

 

Then, get to the gym! Run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight. Women don't like the idea of lifting weight because they're afraid that they are going to become too muscular. That's not going to happen because women don't have the hormone load that men do. All that will happen is a little muscle definition and tone. Sign up for a spin class or Zumba! Going to the gym is going to help you burn off the stress and frustrations that you are obviously having. Plus, you release endorphins that make you feel good! If you eat right and eat clean and get plenty of sleep, you're going to be working toward that solid toned and sexy bod that men are going to like. And you my catch some guys at the gym checking out your butt as you walk by in those yoga pants. You might think to yourself, "Perverts!" But, you'll be thinking it with a smile on your face! This is going to also help your self esteem!

 

 

Then, get new hobbies! Put yourself out there and meet new people! So, take a cooking class or dive lessons or community theater. Join a running club or co-ed softball league! Those people aren't going to bite and you're making new friendships!

 

 

Then, travel! Go see something new! Get out of the norm where everything you see reminds you of your Ex's! Plan, save and GO!!!! Find that wanderlust! There's a big world outside your door ready to be explored! Go see it! I truly believe that there's a guy out there for you. That will bow your socks off when you meet him. And he's looking for you right now. But, he's never going to find you if you don't PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE! Take chances and have fun with it!

 

 

Now, does ANY of that sound horrible? Does any of that sound out of reach? Girl, it is time to heal. Time to make positive changes and time to start loving yourself again. When you like who you are and love the life that you have, then good things happen for you. But, YOU have to take that first step into this new life. YOU have to give it a try. I can't do it for you. The only thing I can do is coach and cheer from a distance. And if you ever need that motivation. Me and others will be here.

 

Did you miss the part where i lost my job? What you propose costs lots of money. My whole life is in limbo until i get a job.

[Amelie1980]

If he married his EX from before you, #1 is going backwards in life. Your supposition that # 2 is not as miserable as you has no basis in fact. Anybody who is that down on marriage & relationships, can't possibly be having an easy time in life or if it is easy, it's not sustainable.

 

This is very true.

[Green_Manalishi]

When my ex-wife remarried, I wanted to send her new husband a sympathy card.