Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 How do you cope with this? When your own life has gone down the toilet and their life is charmed. Both exes. How do you stop feeling so bad.
OpenBook Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Just the thought that I'm free from them cheers me up. :D Sky's the limit. 2
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Just the thought that I'm free from them cheers me up. :D Sky's the limit. There is that. I should be happy I am free from ex 2 in particular. He is a serial cheater.
OpenBook Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I should be happy I am free from ex 2 in particular. He is a serial cheater. And he's swirling... swirling.. swirling down the commode. Say bye-bye. 1
Ic1 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 How do you cope with this? When your own life has gone down the toilet and their life is charmed. Both exes. How do you stop feeling so bad. Why are you comparing yourself to them? BTW, you don't have any way to know they're truly happy. 1
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 We all make our own luck. So if someone gets a bad illness that affects their job that is making their own luck?! Interesting. We have alot LESS control over our lives than we think we do and you cannot make luck. 2
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Why are you comparing yourself to them? BTW, you don't have any way to know they're truly happy. That is so true. I dont know if they are happy. Ex 2 in particular seems a very moody guy. Not easily contented.
Blanco Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 How are you still privy to what's happening in their lives? Life is littered with challenges, but we only have any semblance of control in what happens in our own lives. We have no control over what happens in someone else's. It feels unfair, but as trite as it sounds, it's times like this where we need to remind ourselves and be accepting that no one said life was supposed to be fair. That's little consolation when things in your life aren't going well. I recall many years ago, while still reeling from the end of my best relationship, seeing that my ex had parlayed her unpaid internship into a full-time job. She was (and is) an incredible person, so I wished her no ill will. But you can bet that it wasn't easy for me to process it all. Our relationship had ended, devastating me. In the year since, I had been forced to move back home and take on a poor-paying internship that required a relatively long commute. Meanwhile, my ex had moved to her dream city, and had quickly landed a full-time job in her industry of choice. But as bleak as things felt, I obviously pushed on. Much has changed since those days, but I'll always remember how low I felt then. Point is, pretty much everyone is going to have periods when they're up or down. Chances are, this may contrast with how our ex's life is going at that time. However, it does no good to feel bitterness. All that does is add to the stress we're already feeling. 2
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 I am privy to ex 1's life as I stupidly looked on Facebook a year ago and saw he was engaged to the one he cheated on me with . I then checked back to see if it went ahead and it did :-( Ex 2 I actually have no idea what's going on now. He never seems that happy with his lot in life though and is moody and discontented. But I dont think he is as miserable as me.
Blanco Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than the sex you are having with Ian... in my head. - Rob Gordon (High Fidelity) This quote pretty much nails it in terms of how we think about our exes after they've moved on to a new person. Sure, people do find happiness with new people, but it seems to be a natural reaction for us to build up this magical, blissful existence for our exes and their new partner that almost certainly can't sync up with the reality. I have a thread I started a few months ago. A few of the vets put me in my place. In retrospect, it really signified a shift in my healing process. To that point, I had held out hope that my ex's new relationship wound sputter out. In that sense, I was waiting on something I had literally no control over to happen and I had wagered my happiness on it. Within a day of starting that thread, I began to feel better. I told myself, "They will get married." Who knows what will come of their relationship. But by moving forward with my "worst-case scenario" as an inevitability, I unshackled myself from the expectations that their relationship would end and then I could feel happy again. 2
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 No woman in the history of the world is having better sex than the sex you are having with Ian... in my head. - Rob Gordon (High Fidelity) This quote pretty much nails it in terms of how we think about our exes after they've moved on to a new person. Sure, people do find happiness with new people, but it seems to be a natural reaction for us to build up this magical, blissful existence for our exes and their new partner that almost certainly can't sync up with the reality. I have a thread I started a few months ago. A few of the vets put me in my place. In retrospect, it really signified a shift in my healing process. To that point, I had held out hope that my ex's new relationship wound sputter out. In that sense, I was waiting on something I had literally no control over to happen and I had wagered my happiness on it. Within a day of starting that thread, I began to feel better. I told myself, "They will get married." Who knows what will come of their relationship. But by moving forward with my "worst-case scenario" as an inevitability, I unshackled myself from the expectations that their relationship would end and then I could feel happy again. I guess the divorce rate is nearly 50% for a reason. No one's relationship is blissfully happy all the time. The problem with ex 2 for me is that he said on his dating profile he doesnt think marriage is important, he isnt sure about kids. In person on a first date he said marriage wasnt for him, all of his relatives are divorced so what is the point. His uncle was marrying for a second time when we dated the first time and he actually ran his own uncle down...saying what's the point of a second marriage when the first didn't work, criticising him for spending lots of money on the wedding and asking for cash gifts. With that attitude I find it hard that he is going to find someone who is quite happy to never have any long term commitment or marriage. Im not saying every woman wants to marry but many do and for him to be clear he's never doing it is a big issue. He also hedges his bets. He doesnt drop an option until he has another lined up. He doesnt like being single. He messes around with exes loads. He is always moody and miserable because of work. I do wonder if he'll come back one day. I do
ExpatInItaly Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I don't keep up with my ex's lives, so I honestly can't say if they're happier/sadder/more insane/less cheater-y now. That made coping much easier! 3
123321 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 So if someone gets a bad illness that affects their job that is making their own luck?! Interesting. We have alot LESS control over our lives than we think we do and you cannot make luck. There is no such thing as luck. There is such a thing as arranging you life to be able to minimize the impact of negative events and maximize the effect of positive events. The phrase "charmed life" indicates more than a single or couple fortuitous events in a row, thus I say if the ex is seeming to live a charmed life, there is likely a reason for that. Similarly, if the OP is doing the opposite. 1
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 There is no such thing as luck. There is such a thing as arranging you life to be able to minimize the impact of negative events and maximize the effect of positive events. The phrase "charmed life" indicates more than a single or couple fortuitous events in a row, thus I say if the ex is seeming to live a charmed life, there is likely a reason for that. Similarly, if the OP is doing the opposite. So first you say we make our own luck. Then you say there is no such thing as luck. Clear as mud.
stillafool Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 I The problem with ex 2 for me is that he said on his dating profile he doesnt think marriage is important, he isnt sure about kids. In person on a first date he said marriage wasnt for him, all of his relatives are divorced so what is the point. With that attitude I find it hard that he is going to find someone who is quite happy to never have any long term commitment or marriage. Im not saying every woman wants to marry but many do and for him to be clear he's never doing it is a big issue. Lots of people say the above until that meet that one person who makes them want to marry and commit everything. He will meet that woman one day and all bets are off. It is best not to snoop on them and move on with your life to find happiness.
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Lots of people say the above until that meet that one person who makes them want to marry and commit everything. He will meet that woman one day and all bets are off. It is best not to snoop on them and move on with your life to find happiness. He is already 35 and has cheated on every GF he has ever had.
stillafool Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 He is already 35 and has cheated on every GF he has ever had. Doesn't matter. 35 is still young for a man and he has time to meet the LOHL.
Blanco Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 So first you say we make our own luck. Then you say there is no such thing as luck. Clear as mud. I think you're missing the point. The "you make your own luck" phrase carries the message that one's "luck" is often tied to one's own efforts. Sure, we all catch a break here and there. Similarly, we are all dealt obstacles. But usually, if someone often appears "lucky," it probably is because they're laying the groundwork and putting in the effort for these supposedly lucky things to take place. Broad example would be the person who worked hard for 15 years and became an "overnight" success. 1
123321 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 So first you say we make our own luck. Then you say there is no such thing as luck. They are the same thing. I'm getting some insight into the first post.
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Doesn't matter. 35 is still young for a man and he has time to meet the LOHL. Yeah but you are blaming his cheating on the fact that he hasnt met the LOHL. There comes a time when you have to stop blaming not having met the right person for your problems and accept that your own behavior is the cause. Is his cheating because he hasnt met the right person and he will magically stop doing it when he does? Or is it just who he is?
Blanco Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 OP, if you feel this way about the second ex, then what does it really matter what he's doing with his life now? It sounds like he wasn't able to give you what you wanted (stability, marriage). Bummer, but it seems as though he made this clear from the outset, going so far as to mention these things in his online dating profile? If that's the case, then you can't really fault him for not changing his mind. Rule of thumb is to not get too involved with someone if there's something about them that will ultimately be a dealbreaker if they don't change. Because, you know, people generally don't change much, and they certainly don't change because of the sheer will and determination of someone else to implement these changes. 3
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 OP, if you feel this way about the second ex, then what does it really matter what he's doing with his life now? It sounds like he wasn't able to give you what you wanted (stability, marriage). Bummer, but it seems as though he made this clear from the outset, going so far as to mention these things in his online dating profile? If that's the case, then you can't really fault him for not changing his mind. Rule of thumb is to not get too involved with someone if there's something about them that will ultimately be a dealbreaker if they don't change. Because, you know, people generally don't change much, and they certainly don't change because of the sheer will and determination of someone else to implement these changes. Marriage isnt a dealbreaker for me so that is why it didnt stop me from keeping seeing him. My parents are divorced, my brother is in a very unhappy marriage. But it is a deal breaker for some. I know people dont change much. Repeated patterns of behavior (eg cheating and lying) in relationships is not a result of not having met the right person. It is who you are. My ex couldnt give me what I wanted but he hasnt given it to anyone. The least you can do in any relationship is be faithful. So he hasnt ever given anyone what they wanted. He has quite bad moods too over very little. One ex left him for it. I have never changed in relationships. I am the same with everyone. Too gullible.
Author Amelie1980 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 I think you're missing the point. The "you make your own luck" phrase carries the message that one's "luck" is often tied to one's own efforts. Sure, we all catch a break here and there. Similarly, we are all dealt obstacles. But usually, if someone often appears "lucky," it probably is because they're laying the groundwork and putting in the effort for these supposedly lucky things to take place. Broad example would be the person who worked hard for 15 years and became an "overnight" success. Luck is tied to ones efforts but only to a certain extent. I was very successful in my life and was happy. Two years ago I got ill, long term treatment , got behind at work, wasnt performing well, and in the end got forced out of my job this year as they showed no sympathy for me. Lack of effort had nothing to do with that happening. n I am trying so hard to fix it all and find a new job now that I am recovered but it is hard to stay positive. It causes me to dwell to much on others.
123321 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 There comes a time when you have to stop blaming not having met the right person for your problems and accept that your own behavior is the cause. So does he have problems or a charmed life? Perhaps you should decide that before proceeding.
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