Winesar21 Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 I'm just curious if other people find this normal or if I'm crazy. I feel like my boyfriend has an unhealthy relationship with his mother. I have brought this issue up to him and he says he addresses the issue but he doesn't see a problem. I am very family oriented as well, but I feel like his mom creates a wedge. She is a very nice person, but she doesn't have a regular full time job and she is in an unhappy marriage herself. Below are some of the instances. 1) boyfriend and I were on our way to the zoo. His mom called him and asked if he would be home today. He said no I was up there all day yesterday and I'm with my gf. She wanted him to look over his sisters offer letter for a new job and she seemed pushy. He said he was already at the zoo. He then said he could call them. She said she doesn't ask that much out of him. 2) wrote note to me and put it on my bag at his house about our failing relationship. Boyfriend said she was just concerned for both of us. 3) he picks up every time she calls. She calls at 10:30 at night. Once called three times in a row about him ordering her a computer. Every time he said I'm with my gf. 4) has to be up by his parents every weekend. 5) shared relationship problems with his mother. 6) mom calls everyday. 7) every time we go up there he is working on a project for his parents in some sort of capacity. 8) his mother makes doctors appointments for his 28 year old brother and coddles him. They talk about his baby mama all the time. 9) I heard from his brothers baby mama that his mom didn't want the 3 year old to do 4k. I have asked him to not take calls if we are busy eating or doing something. Apparently that is restrictive. All she calls about is a project at their house or him working on something. She never asks about any of the good things and he never shares any of the positives. I like to talk to my mom about all the good things we do and that is impossible. His mom is very nice, but I don't want a mother in law who wants to barge in on everything.
kismetkismet Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 None of this seems all that weird to me. The note to you is definitely overstepping boundaries, that would make me extremely uncomfortable. The rest of it isn't all that strange in my opinion.. it's probably not common, but it doesn't sound unhealthy. She sounds a bit demanding, but answering your mom's calls, helping them out around the house, and visiting lots isn't crazy for a close family. I would have a talk with him about her intruding on your relationship in terms of the note, and i think that it's reasonable to expect him not to answer his phone during a proper date or while out to a nice dinner. But if you're just hanging out, not picking up is a bit rude. I suggest you try to come to terms with it.. she is his mother, the woman who gave birth to him and raised him his entire life. You are just one girlfriend. I don't think their relationship will suddenly transform just because you want it to, and if it does he will most likely resent you and she will discourage him from staying in the relationship. How old are you two if you don't mind me asking?
rester Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 In my opinion, he has poor boundaries with his mother and let's her run his life a bit too much. A phone call every day definitely sounds excessive for a grown man, although maybe you two are young? I don't think I know any men that talk to their mother more than once a week, if that. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 For someone as myself, I think it's a little ridiculous. You have to let the kids out of the nest. My parents didn't even build a nest, so there's no weekend projects for me. With that being said, I would find it unhealthy for someone to have daily contact with their parents and find it strangely annoying if my partner were to be encouraging it by always being available and slaves to the parents. That's me though. 1
Ic1 Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 (edited) wrote note to me and put it on my bag at his house about our failing relationship. Boyfriend said she was just concerned for both of us. This is crossing a line, and unhealthy. Is there more to this, as in you guys had any issues she knew about? Not that it's unhealthy to have an issue, it's just a bigger issue if she's making them up. Her addressing the issue is the line crossed. As for the mother's relationship with the younger son, leave it alone and don't consider it. Edited November 20, 2015 by Ic1 grammar
Gemma1 Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 The note is a bit weird, but definitely pretty low on the list of crazy things MILs have done. He also shouldn't be sharing relationship problems with her as a general rule. I would talk to him about that. Everything else is you overreacting. She voiced an opinion about her grandchild's school? Not a big deal. She called while you were at the zoo and wanted his help? Not a big deal at all, even if he was with her the day before. If she demanded he come and wouldn't let up on it, and he acquiesced and canceled your date because of it, maybe. But it doesn't sound like that's what happened. Phone calls every day are a little out of the norm but still not overboard. My husband still talks to his dad almost every single day. Sometimes 3-5 times a day. And he always answers no matter what we're doing, even if it's just to say "hey dad I'll call you back in a few." Maybe your boyfriend should learn to schedule his own doctor's appointments but it's really not a big deal that he doesn't, it doesn't affect your relationship at all. If he were immature in many others ways I could see your complaint, but I feel you would have mentioned this if that were the case.
Author Winesar21 Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 We are both 26 years old. I never got a chance to read the note hat she put by his door with my bag. He ripped it up immediately. All I saw in the note was problems. I told him he needed to call her to address it. At the zone she kept pushing him about coming to help his sister and he has to reiterate that he was with me. I feel disrespected on occasions because it was my time with him. His mom goes over and cleans his brothers girlfriends house and makes comments that such and suchs mom should not be a bartender. It's a concern with the comments about school because he would totally take his moms advice. He feels like he grew up in the best way which was working on projects with his mom and not doing a lot of fun things. His mom is needy because she is at home all day and works on projects here and there. We went to a therapist who said he should set certain boundaries. He said how does the therapist no anything about me? I felt so disrespected after she touched my belongings and put them by the door since she has a key to his place. My problem is that I feel like he can't stick up to her. If my mom did this I would have chewed her out. He lives with his older sister and his mom once called him and said I don't think you should have Sarah over tonight because your sister is stressed. He puts the rent. I have gotten so frustrated.
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