why are men so available and eager?

[oregon0011]

Well done. You attracted a stalker.

 

How is that a stalker? We spent 3 days together. Is that a stalker?

[LostOnes05]

Yes.

 

Essentially, women don't want men who want them. Because many of them are hugely insecure, women assume (albeit subconsciously) that if a man likes them, there must be something wrong with that man. Also, if a man shows them a decent amount of attention, responds in a reasonable amount of time, isn't shady, is a good communicator... he must not have many options. He must be desperate. Because why else would he be so.. polite? Normal? Because he's a f*cking troll who can't do better than her.

 

Conversely, if a man is elusive, incommunicative, shady, he is "mysterious", he is unattainable, and therefore a challenge. A puzzle that must be solved! And someone who is clearly "better" than her, because why else wouldn't he be giving this hot woman the time of day, immediately, when she deserves it? He's clearly got lots of options, and she needs to "win" him. He becomes the prize, not her.

 

A lot of dating nowadays is based on the Groucho Marxian principle that people do not want to date someone who would want to date them. We must always be searching for someone "better" than ourselves. Take the OP, for example.. instead of being flattered by her suitors' attention, she's disgusted by it. Because there is no chase here; she has already won. But give her an average-looking a**hole who doesn't return her texts, and her interest is piqued, in the most predictable manner possible.

 

I might actually make this the screensaver on my laptop haha!! I absolutely agree with the idea that if you show interest equivalent to theirs, you're cooked.

 

Recently went through a breakup where the girl was supposedly head over heels for me (obviously not). Then she saw some guy who basically used her for sex. I could tell she felt some sort of way about it because when he was done with her, he rejected her hard. A few month later, I notice a complete attitude shift and she becomes a huge ass. Anything nice I did, she complained and argued which I called her out on. Said she had never been treated like this and wasn't used to it. I do believe there are women that are so conditioned to drama, fighting, and hurt that they A) don't know how to react to being treated well B) self-sabotage C) and revert back to what makes them happy/unhappy which are hurtful relationships.

 

* I call those the ABC's of breaking up with me haha!! (Copyrighting that)

[Odinani]

This is just really simplistic thinking in my opinion.

 

What do you mean "have few options". Obviously you won't find rock stars, pro athletes, and rappers messaging you on POF.

 

Many guys have a life, and don't spend it trying to game dozens of women. Some guys style is just to take it one at a time and they give you their full attention. Logically that shouldn't be a turn off, but apparently it is to you if the guy is banging 10 different women a week.

 

Or do you have some fantasy that you will online date, and some guy has dozens of women chasing him, yet he fends them off just to message you?

 

Don't have that many women responding to their messages and agreeing to go on a first date with them.

[GemmaUK]

Men do this, women do this too.

 

FWIW I do something about it when a guy does as you posted about in your initial post. I either tell him I am no longer interested, tell him to quit it or if he is really bad (worse than you are suggesting) then he is blocked.

I take it upon myself to sort it because me accepting it is my responsibility. You have a responsibility here too - take it and act as you see appropriate right now.

 

As it is it appears you post a personal situation thread, wing out the issue, slate the guy and then laugh when he asks for date #2/3.

 

Please don't do this to these guys. They aren't for you, they aren't for me either. Let them know now that you're just not compatible. You seem to enjoy stringing them along - it's not on and unkind.

[oregon0011]

Don't have that many women responding to their messages and agreeing to go on a first date with them.

 

Lol. This is just ridiculous.

 

So you want a man who is wanted more in the cyber world?

 

All I am saying is that I know guys who are usually pretty successful and busy, who COULD be with tons of women, but they tend to talk to one at a time, BY CHOICE.

 

I am the same. I don't feel like hearing and telling life stories and going on 100 dates. I don't let many people in, and don't have room for a lot of random female bs mental clutter.

[katiegrl]

I mean people used to talk on the phone. How many texts would that equal? 1000? Obviously if explaining something it might be more than a few words. Not sure what makes him automatically a love bombing weirdo? Wasn't he explaining what he cooks?

 

oregon.... in my world, you email someone once and then wait for them to respond back.

 

This guy apparently emailed her eight times in succession with no response back from her.

 

That is obsessive...no matter how you want to spin it.

 

The emojis are fine, I have no issue with that.

 

But come on, eight emails when she had not even responded back to the first one?

 

This is before ever even meeting in person... not that it makes a difference, eight emails (even AFTER you start dating) when a woman never even responded to the first indicates something is definitely OFF.

 

I get being excited but that is overwhelming and a woman would be SMART to be cautious... and well frankly, I would be very turned off by that behavior as well.

 

You email ONCE, then go on with you life and wait for her to email back.

 

If she does not, okay send one more tops but that's IT!

 

Major red flags!!

[Odinani]

Men do this, women do this too.

 

FWIW I do something about it when a guy does as you posted about in your initial post. I either tell him I am no longer interested, tell him to quit it or if he is really bad (worse than you are suggesting) then he is blocked.

I take it upon myself to sort it because me accepting it is my responsibility. You have a responsibility here too - take it and act as you see appropriate right now.

 

As it is it appears you post a personal situation thread, wing out the issue, slate the guy and then laugh when he asks for date #2/3.

 

Please don't do this to these guys. They aren't for you, they aren't for me either. Let them know now that you're just not compatible. You seem to enjoy stringing them along - it's not on and unkind.

 

In this case things have escalated quickly. We only exchanged numbers on Wednesday. It's not something I will let continue indefinitely.

[LostOnes05]

This piece of fiction that you've attributed to me is entirely from your own imagination. I've said nothing at all to suggest I would like average-looking "a**holes" or men who do not return my texts. It seems you are dragging your own personal baggage into this thread and oddly trying to attribute it to me. Please try to own your own stuff.

 

I think this is where effective communication comes in. You absolutely have the right to say "hey guy, I'm enjoying getting to know you but I'm not a big texter/ I'm really busy and would like to ease up just a bit. I don't mean to be rude, I just don't want to leave you hanging or have you feel off, if I don't respond right away all the time." NOW if he can't respect that, then he most likely has boundary issues. My response would be "that's fine, shoot me a text/call when you're available." I feel like people are afraid to actually communicate and rather attribute someone's behavior to being clingy or desperate. If you don't ask/speak up, no one knows what you want or your style of communication.

[oregon0011]

oregon.... in my world, you email someone once and then wait for them to respond back.

 

This guy apparently emailed her eight times in succession with no response back from her.

 

That is obsessive...no matter how you want to spin it.

 

The emojis are fine, I have no issue with that.

 

But come on, eight emails when she had not even responded back to the first one?

 

This is before ever even meeting in person... not that it makes a difference, eight emails (even AFTER you start dating) when a woman never even responded to the first indicates something is definitely OFF.

 

I get being excited but that is overwhelming and a woman would be SMART to be cautious... and well frankly, I would be very turned off by that behavior as well.

 

You email ONCE, then go on with you life and wait for her to email back.

 

If she does not, okay send one more tops but that's IT!

 

Major red flags!!

 

In the first post she said the guy texted her 8 times in quick succession. Where does it say 8 emails and no reponse?

[Odinani]

Lol. This is just ridiculous.

 

So you want a man who is wanted more in the cyber world?

 

All I am saying is that I know guys who are usually pretty successful and busy, who COULD be with tons of women, but they tend to talk to one at a time, BY CHOICE.

 

I am the same. I don't feel like hearing and telling life stories and going on 100 dates. I don't let many people in, and don't have room for a lot of random female bs mental clutter.

 

In my world single people (male and female) tend to date and meet people both offline and online. I used to be anti-OLD and only date guys I met offline. But then I (maybe wrongly?) assumed there's no reason date-able, decent guys wouldn't be online and that there was no harm in using OLD as well as going out with guys who approach me offline. I didn't realise OLD was only for guys who can't get women in real life. Is that the case?

[oregon0011]

In my world single people (male and female) tend to date and meet people both offline and online. I used to be anti-OLD and only date guys I met offline. But then I (maybe wrongly?) assumed there's no reason date-able, decent guys wouldn't be online and that there was no harm in using OLD as well as going out with guys who approach me offline. I didn't realise OLD was only for guys who can't get women in real life. Is that the case?

 

Well to get women in real life usually you have to work with them or go to bars and clubs. Unless you are in college.

 

I mean no matter who you are hot women are not throwing panties at you when you are walking down the street

[katiegrl]

In the first post she said the guy texted her 8 times in quick succession. Where does it say 8 emails and no reponse?

 

That is how I interpreted it...

 

Odinani, is that how it went down OR were you responding to all his texts?

 

If you were responding back, then that is called "having a conversation" and I see nothing bad, obsessive or needy (or beta) about that at all.

 

If, on the other hand, he emailed you eight times, after having NOT heard back from you, THAT is obsessive.

 

Can you clarify?

 

This thread is confusing!

[mrldii]

oregon.... in my world, you email someone once and then wait for them to respond back.

 

This guy apparently emailed her eight times in succession with no response back from her.

 

That is obsessive...no matter how you want to spin it...

 

Actually, this is true in ALL forms of communication, inside and outside the dating arena.

 

In my field of work, I am quite well known for saying to people who leave me 5+ voicemail messages, "I'm returning your call. Actually, I'm returning your calls. And, look at that! I'm returning your fifth call at the same time I'm returning your first one!"

 

Most clients get it, the first time. Ironically, some take a few more times...*like*, maybe, 5. Go figure.

 

[oberkeat]

I've no idea because I've not yet met him in person. He looks attractive in his profile pics and initially he seemed intelligent and interesting. I had agreed to go for dinner with him next week, but that was before these daily cringeworthy texts and I'm considering cancelling the date now.

 

OP, this and some of your previous threads suggest to me that you are a serial dater. Multi dating, jumping from dude to dude, looking for even the slightest excuse or faux pas to next one of your suitors, never settling on any one of 'em and sadly never ending up with a real relationship. I think you are the reason you're still single. I think you will be single for a long time with this type of behavior and this type of attitude.

[GemmaUK]

In this case things have escalated quickly. We only exchanged numbers on Wednesday. It's not something I will let continue indefinitely.

 

But you are letting it continue right now and slating him for it.

Why?

So you can laugh when you stand him up??

 

I just don't get why you don't intercept and stop things when you dislike something. You do this over and over if your threads are true.

[oregon0011]

That is how I interpreted it...

 

Odinani, is that how it went down OR were you responding to all his texts?

 

If you were responding back, then that is called "having a conversation" and I see nothing bad, obsessive or needy (or beta) about that at all.

 

If, on the other hand, he emailed you eight times, after having NOT heard back from you, THAT is obsessive.

 

Can you clarify?

 

This thread is confusing!

 

Can you read the first message? He sent 8 texts in a row , and later she said the texts were about something he likes to cook. Not sure how that is sooooo insane and love bombing as you put it

[katiegrl]

In the first post she said the guy texted her 8 times in quick succession. Where does it say 8 emails and no reponse?

 

oregon, see below (bolded and underlined):

 

Yes, exactly. All this daily "how's your day" and "you at work?" stuff from a complete stranger you've not even met yet is crazy. You should be looking forward to a guy's texts rather than dreading receiving yet another one and feeling exhausted by them. When he sent the 7 (or was it 8?) texts in quick succession (with no texts from me in between) it just made me feel a bit tired and the question "what's wrong with this guy?" crept into my mind.

[GemmaUK]

Can you read the first message? He sent 8 texts in a row , and later she said the texts were about something he likes to cook. Not sure how that is sooooo insane and love bombing as you put it

 

 

Agree, that isn't love bombing that's just thoughts over a few texts.

[oregon0011]

oregon, see below (bolded and underlined):

 

Yeah. Where does it say emails? And once again, he was explaining somethjng he cooks. So? Or he could have put it all in one super long text. Big deal

[oregon0011]

Here's a snippet of this from one guy yesterday. He texted me to ask what cuisine I like. My reply was really brief and just listed three different cuisines I like, and that was it. His reply

 

"mmm....lots to choose from. :love:I can't wait to cook for you. Hahahahahaha.:p [+ 3 blushing emoji]"

 

Immediately followed by 8 more text messages [with no replies from me inbetween] listing what foods he cooks and how he invents his own recipes.

 

I didn't reply.

 

Then this morning he texted "Good morning, my dear! Happy Friday!"

 

He is either 42 or 43, can't remember which.

 

Yeah. See. No emails. No love bombing. Just talking about what he cooks.obviously they would be in quick succession.

[Odinani]

Well to get women in real life usually you have to work with them or go to bars and clubs. Unless you are in college.

 

I mean no matter who you are hot women are not throwing panties at you when you are walking down the street

 

I can't speak for men because I am not one. But as a woman you meet men in all sorts of places. My last three boyfriends:

 

1. I was out on a first date with a guy I'd met with friends. While on the date, another guy managed to talk to me and even slip me his phone number, despite me being on a date with somebody else. Unfortunately I then lost his number for 3 months. Things didn't work out with the guy I was on the first date with. Then I found the other guy's number, called him. And we dated for two years. I ended up dating the other guy. He's actually not a particularly bold or outgoing guy, but he was extremely bold in the way he approached me.

 

2. A man sitting opposite me on the train approached me when I got off the train, "said I feel like such an idiot doing this but I had to" and handed me a piece of paper with his phone number on it. I was reluctant to call him. In the end I called with my number withheld so if he turned out to be crazy he would not know my phone number. We talked -- he sounded great. We talked on about five more occasions before meeting up for lunch. Ultimately we ended up dating for just over a year.

 

3. Went to a frenemie's dinner party (long story). One of the guys there seemed quietly confident and I liked his vibe but he didn't speak to me all that much during the dinner. At the end of the dinner party though he said he'd really like to see me again. We ended up dating for quite some time. After a year and a half he moved overseas unfortunately for work.

[katiegrl]

Yeah. Where does it say emails? And once again, he was explaining somethjng he cooks. So? Or he could have put it all in one super long text. Big deal

 

Not sure why you are justifying this.... it's kinda of crazy.

 

He sent her eight texts in quick succession, with zero texts from her in between. Does it matter whether they were emails or texts, what's the difference?

 

Doesn't matter what they were about.... it's overwhelming and too much, too soon.

 

Can't speak for anyone else, but I call that obsessive especially since they have not met in person yet.

 

If you don't that's fine, I accept that.

 

Let's just agree to disagree then...

[mrldii]

OP, this and some of your previous threads suggest to me that you are a serial dater. Multi dating, jumping from dude to dude, looking for even the slightest excuse or faux pas to next one of your suitors, never settling on any one of 'em and sadly never ending up with a real relationship. I think you are the reason you're still single. I think you will be single for a long time with this type of behavior and this type of attitude.

 

 

She's single. She's dating. That's what single people do: they date.

 

Yes, single people get to be the little Goldilocks of the world: discarding this cup of porridge 'cuz it's too hot, that cup of porridge 'cuz it's too cold, jumping from cup of porridge to cup of porridge

 

- or, bed to bed (if I remember the tale correctly) -

 

'til they find the one that's just right.

 

Dating --->Exclusive Dating---->Engagement/Cohabitation/Marriage

 

 

Answering a "Hi! How R U" private message does NOT mean we are dating. Saying, "Yes, DO let's meet for coffee on Tuesday" does NOT mean we're exclusively dating. Showing up for the meet-and-greet does NOT mean we're engaged.

 

 

Jesus, I'm glad I don't do OLD. This thread is making me seriously consider running to the shelter this weekend to begin my collection of 72 cats.

 

[oregon0011]

I can't speak for men because I am not one. But as a woman you meet men in all sorts of places. My last three boyfriends:

 

1. I was out on a first date with a guy I'd met with friends. While on the date, another guy managed to talk to me and even slip me his phone number, despite me being on a date with somebody else. Unfortunately I then lost his number for 3 months. Things didn't work out with the guy I was on the first date with. Then I found the other guy's number, called him. And we dated for two years. I ended up dating the other guy. He's actually not a particularly bold or outgoing guy, but he was extremely bold in the way he approached me.

 

2. A man sitting opposite me on the train approached me when I got off the train, "said I feel like such an idiot doing this but I had to" and handed me a piece of paper with his phone number on it. I was reluctant to call him. In the end I called with my number withheld so if he turned out to be crazy he would not know my phone number. We talked -- he sounded great. We talked on about five more occasions before meeting up for lunch. Ultimately we ended up dating for just over a year.

 

3. Went to a frenemie's dinner party (long story). One of the guys there seemed quietly confident and I liked his vibe but he didn't speak to me all that much during the dinner. At the end of the dinner party though he said he'd really like to see me again. We ended up dating for quite some time. After a year and a half he moved overseas unfortunately for work.

 

Yeah. In all those cases the guy approached the girl. So you want a guy who approaches many women?

[Woggle]

This is why I hate texting. When you actually had to call somebody to communicate with them things went much more smoothly.

 

If I have to play unavailable in order to keep a woman interested it is not worth it. Dating and relationships are supposed to be enjoyable and make your life better instead of being some kind of sick psychological game. No woman is worth that kind of crap because it is exhausting.