Is this grass is greener syndrome? If so what next?

[HarryF67]

Hi,

 

I am new to this forum, this is my first post!

 

Short story:

With girlfriend for 5 and a half years

she left me for someone 18 years older and different to me

said to her sister that she would take me back but not at the moment

 

Long story

So I was with my girlfriend from the age of 14 and we were together for 5 and a half years, she left me a few weeks before my 20th birthday. (left Aug 10th) I was completely blindsided by it and it destroyed me.

 

Her reasons were that she was going to uni soon and wanted to be single for a while, she didn't love me like she used to, the grass is greener (yes she said that!). I cried but didn't argue or get angry I just went home and cried some more whilst I told my family.

 

I tried to keep up contact but she was blunt and I kept getting hurt so I stopped. I spent the next month looking back at our relationship trying to find out where it went wrong and I did see that I treated her more as a friend but I don't believe now that was the reason.

 

I spent a lot of time working on settling my mind and becoming a better person. I'll add that I work for her dad and with her sister and they both said that she is going through a phase and will come back around. Her dad even said for me to sleep around a bit to get her jealous but i'm not that type of person. All through this time I spoke to her sister whilst at work and she kept telling my ex to tell me to move on. She asked around 7 times in the end.

 

One of the times she asked, my ex said that she didn't want me to move on! When the sister asked if she wanted me back she said 'not at the moment'. When the sister told me that it gave me hope so I kept working on myself and staying no contact. It was around this time I started looking online and everyone suggested no contact and this is where I discovered grass is greener syndrome (gigs). I thought it was odd that she showed most of the 'symptoms' just not the getting with someone else part.

 

Towards the end of September I was speaking to her sister saying I would like to see her. Little did I know she was texting this to my ex. The sister then told me she had been texting my ex and we planned something and I text my ex that night and we arranged to meet the next week (with friends as well) It was a pub quiz and it went well and we all had a laugh. When I first saw her though all of my feelings came rushing back. She was texting someone for most of the night but I didn't pay much attention.

 

A few days later I had to go on my boss/her dad's computer at work and get a file. His browser was open and I could see a tab with the words 'daughter' and 'dating' so I clicked on it and he had searched for 'daughter dating older man'. I started shaking like crazy and confronted the sister who then broke down and told me the truth... She had met a guy at work (her manager) and he was 38 years old (she is 20). She went on saying that they had been seeing each other since the breakup and she had been lying to everyone about where she was going all the time. Her whole family were disgusted with her and wanted her to stop.

 

I was completely and utterly destroyed. I remembered reading an article on gigs so I went back and read it again. This time I saw loads of people saying about their exes coming back. It gave me hope and I admit I have been manifesting on that hope ever since. Something happened today that made me post on here though.

 

Last night I posted two pictures on Instagram. Both were silly and irrelevant. She liked both of them. I found it strange as she hadn't liked any of my pictures since the breakup. I took it as a good thing and went to bed. This morning I went on Facebook to see that she had made a new account and added everyone except for me/ my close friends, and my family. I can only assume she did it to remove pictures of us and get a new start.

 

I am scared I will lose her forever now. She hasn't initiated any messaging throughout this breakup, it's always been me. I put that down to being with someone else though. I really do love her, we got on so well and had almost everything in common. We would always laugh together and we grew up being each others.

 

I really want to get back with her and I am willing to let some time pass and go on a fresh slate. Most importantly I have forgiven her for my own sake and I feel strongly that those jealous feelings won't come back.

 

To summarise and to ask the questions,

 

Why would she tell her sister that she didn't want me back at the moment despite being with someone else?

 

Why would she keep this new relationship a secret from me and everyone else?

 

Do you think I have a chance with her in the future?

 

Side note

I am not waiting for her, I am living my own life as best I can and have no interest in other relationships and I am fine not dating right now.

 

Sorry for such a long post, I guess it helps clear my mind typing it like this!

If you are still reading this far then thank you so much you are amazing!

Edited November 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[GorillaTheater]

Why would she tell her sister that she didn't want me back at the moment despite being with someone else?

 

Because she wants to keep you on the hook, either as a Plan B or back-up plan in case her current relationship doesn't work out OR as an ego boost for her OR both.

 

Why would she keep this new relationship a secret from me and everyone else?

 

Because she feels a sense of shame, or at least wants to avoid conflict, over dating someone around twice as old as she is. I wouldn't be excited if my daughter was doing that, either.

 

Do you think I have a chance with her in the future?

 

Maybe. Until She finds another Plan A.

 

Side note

I am not waiting for her

 

You are you kidding? Of course you are.

 

Look man, she's young (as are you), and of course she wants to explore different relationships and experience life in general. Nothing wrong with that, in particular.

 

But what is wrong is her keeping you on the hook and maybe even worse, your lack of self-respect in allowing her to do so. Time for you to experience different relationships and explore life, too. Wish her well and move on.

[Amelie1980]

Ive never believed in GIGS.

 

Only ever seen it mentioned on this site.

 

They just wanted to try something new but that means they weren't happy staying with you.

[GunslingerRoland]

So basically you're supposed around waiting for her, while she tries to decide if she can find someone better or if she should just settle for you? No, man, it's over. She may come back some day, but you can't put up with that attitude. How special does she think she is?

 

 

Find someone else.

[Silver_star]

You are both young. I see this all the time where young couples start to get bored and get GIG because they are still figuring out who they are. Rarely it works out that a high school sweet heart couple stay together and don't go through breaks or break up, but more often than not when you are young you want to explore new things and new emotions with other people... Its part of discovering what you really want and need.

 

 

Let her go (you are keeping the communication open now but letting go will mean telling her to not contact you for an extended period of time and blocking out methods of communicating with her and her family/friends so you can have the same freedom she has to move on emotionally).

 

 

Especially if you care about her you need to get space away from her and talking to her and thinking about your life together. That part of your life is over. You need to move on to the next chapter. It will be even more exciting, so look forward and never back.

[HarryF67]

So I said that this morning she made a new Facebook and didn't add me. I added her but I just checked and she has taken me off again. Does this mean she wants nothing to do with me or is just keeping the new guy happy?

 

I know everyone says to go forward and that i'm young but love is love no matter the age. She said she wouldn't take me back yet in September so who knows if she still feels that way.

 

I agree that we should both experience life and I wouldn't say no to dating again I just don't want anything serious as it's too soon.

 

I still feel the general point remains that if the new guy raises the bar then she wouldn't think twice about staying with him, but if the bar isn't as high which i'm confident it isn't then she will start to question if that grass really was greener and try to get back with me. I know people say it takes a long time and who knows where I will be if/when that happens but I still believe it will happen.

 

Does her families love for me and hate for this new guy do me any favours?

[central]

She sees something in him that you apparently lack. If she breaks up with him (whoever does it), she may still not see enough in you, and based on her experience may look for something that you don't provide.

 

Hoping and waiting for her to return is a losing proposition. If anything, you'll be potentially MORE attractive to her then if you show you can date other women who are as attractive and interesting - and perhaps with better ethics and judgment. Not dating shows you have no other options, and makes you look weak and undesirable.

[HarryF67]

@central I think at the moment she is excited with the prospect of something new. I treated her more like a friend towards the end and we didn't go on many dates or do things couples do. So I guess that's what he has on me but I have worked on that! I am on Tinder but haven't had anything yet. In saying that I could probably use some better pictures! Thanks for the advice.

[central]

Show that you are improving yourself in some way that may appeal to her. It could be education, career, fitness, volunteering, particular hobbies - anything that makes you look like a person who'd interest her. Being attractive in these ways to women in general may make you more attractive to her as well. Don't count on or expect that she will want you specifically even if you do this - but, it will make it much easier for you to move on to someone who is perhaps even better.

[HarryF67]

Thanks again for the advice Central. I work as a web designer but I have played guitar for 10 years now. Perhaps getting into a band could be a good idea. I will focus on fitness as well as I never had the motivation before so that should grab her attention! (Not that I'm trying to grab her attention) I get where you are coming from and her dad did say similar when he said about getting with other girls to make her jealous. Maybe there is weight in that as she feels I am a backup at the moment.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ive never believed in GIGS.

 

Only ever seen it mentioned on this site.

 

They just wanted to try something new but that means they weren't happy staying with you.

 

I absolutely agree. People talk about GIGS like it's some random illness you can "catch" and therefore "cure." It generally is people outgrowing their relationships and wanting to meet new people.

 

OP, you guys were kids when you got together. It is very normal for that to eventually come to an end; people grow and change so much throughout their teens and twenties. She's only really ever known you. This is life.

 

Stop trying to insert yourself into her life. No more FB requests. She obviously doesn't want to open that door with you. Stop talking to her family about this; they are way over-involved and I think her father's advice you was pretty crass and disrespectful of his daughter. Her family's feelings about this new man are irrelevant. She is an adult and will make her own choices.

 

You say you're not waiting around for her or trying to get her attention, but this obviously isn't true. You need to start considering yourself as opening a new chapter otherwise you will drag out the pain of this break-up.

[Amelie1980]

Thanks again for the advice Central. I work as a web designer but I have played guitar for 10 years now. Perhaps getting into a band could be a good idea. I will focus on fitness as well as I never had the motivation before so that should grab her attention! (Not that I'm trying to grab her attention) I get where you are coming from and her dad did say similar when he said about getting with other girls to make her jealous. Maybe there is weight in that as she feels I am a backup at the moment.

 

You are still not listening. People are giving you help to better yourself but you're still seeing it in terms of her.

 

I will focus on fitness to grab her attention, her dad told me to get with other girls to get her attention.

 

This is creepy.

 

I would be lying if I said I hadnt felt this way before but you learn the hard way. I used to wonder what I could do to make my ex want me but now the way I see it is that I want to better myself for me and he doesnt F-ING deserve the better me and the better life I get. If I ever get it.

[Robratory]

To summarise and to ask the questions,

 

Why would she tell her sister that she didn't want me back at the moment despite being with someone else?

 

Why would she keep this new relationship a secret from me and everyone else?

 

Do you think I have a chance with her in the future?

 

Hey Harry... sure, it does good to talk about how you're feeling, and I did read your entire post. My advice to you is that you not torment yourself with questions like that. We could come up with explanations forever, but you couldn't know if any of them were the truth or not. Only she can answer them, but the questions actually don't even matter at this point.

 

Here's what I think will help you the most. First, understand that there's a difference between the outcome, which was your breakup and which was disappointing, and the way she went about it, which was hurtful. Those are two different things.

 

Now, I'm going to suggest that you talk to her, preferably in person, but over the phone is fine too. Email or text only as a last resort. And what you should say is something like, "I'm disappointed that we're not together anymore, but I'm really hurt about the way you ended things. You behaved very poorly towards me, and I didn't deserve being treated like that." And that's it.

 

If you cry, that's fine, but don't make a scene. Say how you feel just like that, without recriminations or demands. And then end the conversation. I'm confident you'll feel much better after that.

[Amelie1980]

Hey Harry... sure, it does good to talk about how you're feeling, and I did read your entire post. My advice to you is that you not torment yourself with questions like that. We could come up with explanations forever, but you couldn't know if any of them were the truth or not. Only she can answer them, but the questions actually don't even matter at this point.

 

Here's what I think will help you the most. First, understand that there's a difference between the outcome, which was your breakup and which was disappointing, and the way she went about it, which was hurtful. Those are two different things.

 

Now, I'm going to suggest that you talk to her, preferably in person, but over the phone is fine too. Email or text only as a last resort. And what you should say is something like, "I'm disappointed that we're not together anymore, but I'm really hurt about the way you ended things. You behaved very poorly towards me, and I didn't deserve being treated like that." And that's it.

 

If you cry, that's fine, but don't make a scene. Say how you feel just like that, without recriminations or demands. And then end the conversation. I'm confident you'll feel much better after that.

 

Or he will feel worse when she doesn't care. and she will know he is not over it.

 

Or worse....if she is sympathetic and sweet it will only continue to make him think he still has a chance and set himself back to square one.

 

Dont call her.

 

Very very bad advice.

Edited November 21, 2015 by Amelie1980

[HarryF67]

Thanks for the advice everyone I will make sure to take it on board.

 

Amelie when I said about fitness and her dad I meant that it had been something I've wanted to do for a while and even told her about but after a while she assumed I wouldn't because I didn't. I shouldn't say it will get her attention at most it would get a 'oh well done then' I'm not after her approval on that or anything for that matter.

 

Her dad suggested that I should sleep with other women and I did say earlier in the post that it's not my style. I couldn't sleep with a girl and not get in touch again, it's cold. When he was younger him and his wife split up and he slept around quite a bit and she got into a long term relationship. After a year they decided they were better off with each other. So I think his advice comes down to that.

 

Her whole family would want me back in the scene, but, yes she is an adult and it is her decision ultimately. I've had a sleep on it all now and feel as if going forward I have to accomplish two things. The easy one is to find self happiness and reduce dependence on others. I'm getting towards that anyway.

 

The second thing and the hard one is two get it out of my mind that she won't be coming back. Sometimes holding on can cause more damage than letting go. I'm not sure where I stand with fate but I'm going to let it do its thing and accept there is Nothing I can do to change her mind. If she is out experiencing a new life then I certainly can't sit around doing nothing. This is an opportunity to change my life to how I really want it. If we are still compatible and available down the road then that would be lovely, but I might have met someone at some point anyway. I will always love her but can you ever really get rid of love?

Edited November 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[oldshirt]

I went through something very very similar when I was your age 30+ years ago.

 

 

I'll tell you what I wish I could go back in time and tell my 20 year old self back then.

 

 

for starters lets just say this and get it out of the way, teenagers should multi-date and not enter into any kind of exclusive, committed relationships....period.

 

 

It's important to get out and meet people and get to know them and go on dates and learn how people tick. When you "go steady" you take yourself out of the game more than you'll ever realize for many years.

 

 

In your opening post you asked what you did wrong. If you did anything wrong it was getting into an exclusive and committed relationship with her in the first place. Other than that, you didn't do anything else wrong. Everything else was just nature taking it's course.

 

 

Which brings me to my next inconvenient truth. Women in their upper teens and early 20s are dingy and flighty. They have a million options and are within their right to explore those options. They SHOULD explore those options.

 

 

Men in their upper teens and early 20s typically don't have as many dating and sexual options but they also have millions of general-life options and they SHOULD explore those as well.

 

 

People should go off to college free and single and unentangled. Yes we all crave some form of security and want the safety and security of feeling that we have one special someone that will be there for us. But that is not what is in our better long-term interests.

 

 

The time from graduating high school until settling into our careers and adult lives in our mid to upper 20s is a time of tremendous change and growth. We simply are not the same people at 25 that we were at 17. The change is so great that we are simply unable to meet the commitments we envisioned at 17.

 

 

Cont.....

[oldshirt]

cont....

 

 

 

 

 

 

So what I am saying is that even though this has been a very painful experience for you, it was a natural course of events. It was inevitable and in many ways had to happen. To use an analogy, in order to leave the nest and move on to make a life for it'self, a baby bird must stand on the edge of it's nest and take a step out into space on it's own. It must fall for a ways until the wind can catch it's wings. While terrifying, that step and those first few feet of freefall are critical to the bird learning to spread it's wings and fly.

 

 

Going out into the world as a single man will initially be terrifying for you as well but it is a critical step in becoming an adult man.

 

 

Cont.....

[oldshirt]

cont...

 

 

 

 

While this isn't what you want to hear, your ex did the right thing in dissolving your relationship so that each of you could move on with the rest of your lives.

 

 

The red flag of danger flapping in the wind here is her comment on maybe coming back to you some day. DO NOT WAIT FOR HER FOR ONE STINKING MOMENT!!!

Turn and walk away and move on with your life and do not look back and do not sit on the shelf waiting for her return for one minute.

 

 

Her father was 100% correct. you need to get out and start meeting, interacting with and dating other girls. I question whether he really worded it as "sleeping with..." other girls, but that is part of the process too.

 

 

When, how and with who you sleep with is up to your values and your moral compass and the nature of your relationships with people, but to get out and date other people is the best and most sage advice you can get.

 

 

It is spot on and 110% on the money.

 

 

Cont...

[Amelie1980]

Thanks for the advice everyone I will make sure to take it on board. Amelie when I said about fitness and her dad I meant that it had been something I've wanted to do for a while and even told her about but after a while she assumed I wouldn't because I didn't. I shouldn't say it will get her attention at most it would get a 'oh well done then' I'm not after her approval on that or anything for that matter. Her dad suggested that I should sleep with other women and I did say earlier in the post that it's not my style. I couldn't sleep with a girl and not get in touch again, it's cold. When he was younger him and his wife split up and he slept around quite a bit and she got into a long term relationship. After a year they decided they were better off with each other. So I think his advice comes down to that. Her whole family would want me back in the scene, but, yes she is an adult and it is her decision ultimately. I've had a sleep on it all now and feel as if going forward I have to accomplish two things. The easy one is to find self happiness and reduce dependence on others. I'm getting towards that anyway. The second thing and the hard one is two get it out of my mind that she won't be coming back. Sometimes holding on can cause more damage than letting go. I'm not sure where I stand with fate but I'm going to let it do its thing and accept there is little Nothing I can do to change her mind. If she is out experiencing a new life then I certainly can't sit around doing nothing. This is an opportunity to change my life to how I really want it. If we are still compatible and available down the road then that would be lovely, but I might have met someone at some point anyway. I will always love her but can you ever really get rid of love?

 

Can you please break your posts down into paragraphs, smaller chunks of text. It is hard to read.

 

Saying you want to move on but considering future compatibility with her.

 

Love does die. I was devastated when my first bf ended things. I really couldn't give a flying a$$ f * * k about him now. I honestly don't care.

[oldshirt]

cont...

 

 

 

 

So my advice to my 20 year old self is this -

 

 

- walk away. don't look back. DO NOT WAIT FOR HER TO CALL, TXT OR SHOW UP ON YOUR DOORSTEP. If you happen to run into her or any of her family members/friends etc in Wal Mart, smile and say hi and ask her how classes are going and then move on to pick up your deodorant and shampoo.

 

 

- Get out of the house and start doing fun things with fun people. Get into activities that interest you and make friends with the men and women who also share those interests. You have spent much of your formative years with one person. Take this as a time to learn to interact and do things with a wide variety of people.

 

 

- talk to, interact with and date other girls. Lots of other girls. Learn about women and what makes them tick and what they respond to and don't respond to. Learn what makes you tick and what makes you respond.

 

 

- Do not try to get back into another exclusive relationship and don't let anyone pressure you into getting into another exclusive relationship. Get to know and experience a wide variety of women - smart ones/dumb ones, outgoing ones/shy ones, tall ones/short ones, skinny ones/fat ones, pretty ones/plain ones.

 

 

- Learn by experience which traits and characteristics you truly want in a woman and develop the skills and assets that it will take to attract women with those traits and characteristics (it took me until the age of 30 to do that. your mileage may vary. it may take you shorter, it may take you longer)

 

 

- Follow your own values and mores and boundaries in regards to sexuality. Dating a variety of women is important. that doesn't mean that you have to sleep with all of them or even want to sleep with very many. But one of these days the chemistry will cause a reaction, that's ok too. Follow your own values and respect hers/theirs and work it out together between the two of you as consenting adults.

 

 

- Never allow yourself to be manipulated or jerked around. If someone starts treating you bad or jerking your chain - let them see your dust.

[oldshirt]

and finally I want to share something about my first love that ended much the same as yours.

 

 

I tried desperately to hang on and keep her. I begged, I pleaded, I negotiated and tried to make deals. I clung to every straw of hope I could grab on to.

 

 

She was like a yo-yo. She would pull away and try to move on, and I would pull her back in. Every time I pulled her back, I patted myself on the back and thought I had won a great victory.

 

 

And every time she would fade away, I would be devastated all over again.

 

 

This went on for over a year of my prime, but here is where I am going with this -

 

 

- when the final break up did occur (and it is always inevitable) There was a lot of anger, resentment, bitterness, baggage and bad blood between us. I eventually moved on (after another year, so two years total wasted over a lost cause) but I still carried the bitterness and resentment that tainted some other relationships.

 

 

To this day 30 years later, if I were to run into her at the store, I would say hi and ask what she was up to these days but it would be a minutes worth of awkward conversation and I wouldn't be able to wait to get away and I am sure she would feel the same awkwardness and discomfort.

 

 

But on the other hand, if I had just walked away when she did her first fade out (during which she was hooking up with an older guy) it would have saved a lot of wasted time that I could have been dating other girls and I wouldn't have had all the baggage and bad blood and bad feelings between us.

 

 

Save yourself a lot of bad feelings and resentments and bitterness and do an about-face and walk away and don't look back.

[RedRobin]

The fact that she needs to date a guy old enough to be her dad? I'd say you dodged a bullet. More messed up family dynamics going on there than you can comprehend.

 

I would take this as a huge blessing and release. You are now free to date more well adjusted young ladies.

Edited November 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator