Friends and switching Boyfriends: Is it any of their business??

[Kandy]

Hi everybody ~ This will be my first post ever, hopefully some of you could maybe give me some advise on this one...

 

I had been dating this guy for 3 years. When we met the friends I'm speaking of, we had already been dating for about 6 months. for the last 2 1/2 years or so we hung out normally with them. We were with them a lot actually. I had always tried to be a good friend to all of them. and would never do anything wrong by them. There was a large group of us, about 15 or so. We were all very close, or so I thought....

 

about a year ago, my BF & I started having some problems. We never let our friends know, we felt it was really none of their business that we were not getting along. Pretty much our relationship was going downhill.

 

Anyway after a whole year of things happening, some of the things I couldn't quite live with as long as we were together, so we decided mutually to break up...No big deal, it would have never really worked out anyway...

 

About 2 weeks went by, and I started dating one of the guys that was in our group of friends. It just sort of happened....I've always thought he was good looking and sweet, and he had thought the same of me.

 

Well as soon as we did, ALL of my friends, including a girl that I concidered my best friend, SPLIT. They vandallized his truck while it was sitting at my house, vandallized my house and shop, followed us around, harrassed us, called the cops and told them that they felt threatened by us, talked bad about us....they did almost everything possible to get at us. The thing is, what did we ever do to them??

 

My so-called best friend even went to my parents and told them that my new man would beat me up and not to be alone with him because he was crazy. It really upset them, because I was in a bad marrage in the past and that's all they could think about. Needless to say I had to work my butt off to get my parents to even accept the fact that I was seeing him...even now, 4 months later, when we're talking about getting married it's even harder to get them over it...Then around that same time, My dad ran into my best friend's sister. She told him that none of that was true, and that my best friend was just mad because my new boyfriend would never give her a chance, and she was just trying to start stuff....So that helped out on my end a lot.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, 4 months later, we're still getting flicked off on the streets, talked about, and harrassed. Not as bad as before, but it still happens every so often...The thing is, like I said before....I can't think of ANYTHING we've ever done to any of them...We just can't understand it.

 

About a month ago, my best friend tried calling my phone, and I didn't answer. She left me a message saying she never said anything about me and people were just trying to start sh** and bla bla bla....She asked me to call her back if I wanted to, but I never did. She called a couple more times, but I never talked to her.

 

I don't understand....Maybe you guys can help me to get this whole thing. Also, any suggestions on how to handle any future dealings with any of my ex-friends? I know I'll run into them I live in a very small town. Whatshould I do? I'm really confused. Am I in the wrong or are they?

 

Thanks for everything in advance...

 

KandyGirl

[d'Arthez]

Formally you did nothing wrong.

 

But because your friends never knew that your relationship was going downhill with your ex-bf, they must have been mesmerized that you and your new bf could date after only 2 weeks. It's only natural to assume for them that something improper must have happened.

 

Where was the heartbreak? A failed three relationship takes more than 2 weeks to overcome.

Had the two of you not already arranged an escape from the relationship with your ex-bf?

Don't forget that these friends are first and foremost his friends, so their allegiance is probably primarily to him, and not to you.

 

I can't pinpoint down the exact time line, but if you are talking about marriage after 4-6 months, that would only fuel the rumours and the assaults. Especially in a small town. Even when the assaults die down, you will still be perceived as a <insert expletive>.

That is not nice, but you have no control anymore on how people perceive you and your bf. You took the leap lightheartedly, and in the process you have underestimated the strength of your friends' allegiance to your bf, and overestimated the way the would deal with you and your new bf.

 

As I said, there is little you can do to control people's perceptions of you. The damage has been done. I don't think you can live well in the situation that they appear to be friendly, but are cold and hostile to you in reality.

 

How is your ex-bf under all this?

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Technically YOU did nothing wrong, your new man did. He was the one who went behind your ex's back to date you. Now how old are you? This sounds like a High School issue. Who vandalizes cars? What is this 1995? Immaturity seems to run high in these "friends". After 4 months of being together, you'd think they would say to themselves "Hey, they have a good relationship" "Let's back off and wish them well" HAHAH bastards...I can't stand immature people. Are you still with this man?

First thing, you have to show them that this isn't going to break you guys up, your stronger than that. They will think they won if that happens and we don't want that.

If this doesn't stop, I think your just going to have to block it out and realize that a good relationship is not going n the s***ter b/c some immature a**holes think their funny.

[karoca]

Hey I just wanted to let you know that I went through the same thing with my ex-boyfriend.

 

I dated him for 6 years and we had a lot of problems but we kept it a secret. My circle of girlfriends all ended up dating and eventually are now engaged to his friends.

 

My ex was abusive and cold but I kept it to myself we had broken up a few times before but I broke it off for good the last time. One of our good friends Rob lived with us in our apartment and when my ex and I broke up Rob and I started to get very close. I connected with him on a level I have never connected with anyone before, it was unreal.

 

Eventually, 3 months later, Rob and I started dating. When I informed my ex of this he went nuts. He threated that he was going to kill Rob and that he better watch his back. He even wanted to meet Rob in the park to fight (hahahahah). Yeah, right ... how immature is that!

 

Anyways, all my friends ended up turning against me because he told them that I had been cheating on him. He told them that I said he beat me up, he told people that I was stalking him and writing him secret love letters. It was so embrassing because I was also from a small town. I was so upset and became really sick from the stress. Of course, my new love Rob helped me through it every step of the way.

 

The thing that hurt the most was my family because they had a hard time beliving me because of all the rumors and they too had not known about how bad the relationship with my ex was. My clean reputation was definielty ruined, but it was a risk I was willing to take for the love of my life. Still, to this day, I don't regret it.

 

Unfortunatety, you can't change how people are going to feel about you. The only thing you can do is tell your side of the story. If they don't understand or believe you, then they are not your friends and will never be.

 

Your family? Ahhh .... that is a hard one. Mine came around because they can now see how much better Rob treats me and how happy I am. However, I still feel that they don't beileve me and it hurts when your family won't stick up for you.

 

Small towns can really suck sometimes and I even moved 7 hours away and I still get grief because, let me tell you, this is a small world sometimes. What we did may be wrong on a certain level, but we did not hide it and we came right out and told my ex so he did not find out from someone else. I mean ... what else can you do?

 

I am not a selfish person, but sometimes you have to be. I have not been happy, or even this happy ever, so it was so worth it for me. Rob is my best friend and I will love him forever. My belief is that my private life is my business and no one else's, so everyone can go to *****!.

[Kandy]

Thanks guys so much for your time. Each of your opinions / advice was taken in

Karoca, the funny thing is....my new man's name is Rob also! LOL

By the way, just to give u guys a little update...Everyone's slacked off with the BS, but every once in a while they'll do a little something to see if they can start it all again, but it never works...Some of them have even tried calling / coming by my work trying to be all friendly...I'm nice, but that's it. I'll never trust them again as true friends...As far as Rob and I go, it's been 5 months and we're doing awesome. We're planning to get married next year!

Anyway, thanks again for your help Hope I can be of some help for you one of these days!

[IhavenoFREAKINclue]

Thats great to hear Kandy! Is that your new man in the picture? SEEEXXXAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!

 

I'd they are not bothering you anymore than I wish you all the luck with your new man! If they do, just remember your better than they are!

[Curt]

Plain and simply, they acted damned immaturely and childishly.

 

They had little reason to behave so unreasonably and cruelly. They went farrrr past the line of civility.

 

They are simply NOT friends of either of you.

 

Good God, what is this world coming to?

 

Curt