spriggan2 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I met this girl in May and we dated for about two months in the same city. She was my first girlfriend but she herself has dated quite a bit. Needless to say she knew what she was doing, I feel like I didn't, but by July we were both deeply into each other. Then August came and she moved to another city to go to school. We agreed to be exclusive and visit each other once a month. That worked for a time, but by October things were going awry. My feelings for her were growing while she was pulling away. I asked her one time how she felt and she brought up some issues about me that I sort of agreed with, issues she'd brought up before about me not being what she wants long term. Then she asked to take a break. To me that meant she was essentially done. So what I did was decide to break up with her rather than be dangled on this break routine. At that point she did a total 180 talking about how amazing I was and how she didn't want me to think she was a dick to me, and how if I change my mind she wanted to know. November comes and she's back in my city for a weekend because she'd paid for the flight to visit me before we broke up. I say ok, let's meet up since you're here. She's super excited, I'm not thinking properly because I'm still crazy about her. We go to dinner, she brings up the same issues from before which is the reason I thought we split up. Only this time it feels like she's dumping me even though we aren't together. I feel horrible, and dejected, maybe because I had some hope she really wanted to get back together with me. Then the next day we meet up again to say a final goodbye and she's in a much better mood. We talk for a while and she takes back some of the things she said. We're all into each other again. We're feeling each other in public, we go down to a movie theater parking garage and make out while everyone's walking by. She tells me she wants me to come to Thailand with her over Christmas break, yet she also suggested I could try dating someone else since we broke up. So now here we are. Mid November. I am absolutely crazy over her. She's still somewhat attracted to me (for the moment). We are still long distance, but now we are not exclusive and I get the sense she may start seeing other guys. We text daily but not as much as we used to. I dont know what to do. I think she still cares about me but part of me thinks she's just being charitable by keeping me in her life, knowing how I feel about her she'd feel guilty if we just broke off contact. But if we aren't together in any meaningful way, I need no contact so I can build the strength to move on. On the other hand, I want to make the changes about myself that involved the issues she brought up, but it's going to take so much work and I'm not sure if will fix things. Im 30 years old and she's 27 and this is a girl I would marry if I could just figure out how to make our relationship work. But at the same time, I dont want to hang around if he attraction is just going to keep fading into nothing. I'm basically miserable and confused.
thecrucible Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 You say she brought out some issues which caused her to want to take a break from the relationship. What were these? Sadly I get the sense that she does genuinely like you but you may be more a diversion from her life in a different city. To me this is what she said that gives it away: She tells me she wants me to come to Thailand with her over Christmas break, yet she also suggested I could try dating someone else since we broke up. The very fact she suggests that you date someone else seems to be her implying that she enjoys the time she spends with you in the moment but doesn't see long-term potential or she is not quite into you for some reason. I know I have said this to guys before that I wasn't as interested in as I could have been. Saying all that, I really feel for you. You need a straight answer from her to move on. But if I were you, I would "rip off the band aid" and do what's best for you. 1
Author spriggan2 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 The issues have to do with me being passionate about my work. Right now I have decent jobs, but I do them for the paycheck rather than fulfillment. She doesn't like this because I don't excite her about what I do. I also am not opinionated, which is something she likes. I have thoughts and insights and analysis, but I don't staunchly support them. Secondly she's in business school and she said she wants the person she's with to be able to have the business experience to "be in her corner" when she needs support. I offer her emotional and moral support I think, but I don't have the business resourcefulness to make practical contributions to her problems. The first issue to me seems like something I can work on because I have a passion for fiction writing. I do it as a hobby, but I'm just not used to articulating and expanding on my ideas. I feel I've made progress and the more I write the more I can share with her about literature and writing, which she's also interested in. Also one of my new jobs is a corporate administration job that requires a lot of business savvy and I feel like over time I'll have gained a skill set that I might be able to use to provide her with that support she's looking for. It's just, I don't know. I think the smart play is to move on, but the dilemma I'm faced with is that I've given up on so many good things in my life and been left wondering what would have happened if I stuck with them and really tried to succeed. I feel like this relationship is another wonderful opportunity that I might regret letting go so soon. But maybe relationships are different. Maybe that's how it has to be. Because I also feel like the longer I hold on the worse I'll feel. It just really really sucks. I'm sure I'll be ok in time, but right now I'm hurting so bad all the time and I feel like she has taken my happiness hostage.
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 She's not being fair to you on many levels. You don't have to have a business degree or experience to "be in her corner" She seem like she wants a BF with a more prestigious job. Sorry.
Buddhist Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 I'm basically miserable and confused. You're miserable and confused because she's not offering you what you want. She suggests you see other people because thats what she intends to do. You are her fallback option and thats it. Forget this girl, she wont commit to you.
Author spriggan2 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 Ok, thank you guys for the feedback. I suppose this is about what I expected, guess I just needed confirmation.
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