Intellegence in your partner

[miranda_wilson]

 

I guess one thing I 'conveniently' left out was that my last relationship with an educated woman was incredibly emotionally abusive, she had no filter, angry, and unable to handle stressful situations.

 

I started seeing this new girl on the thought I'd be moving away. I didn't expect to like her so much. She possesses things in a partner that I never knew I wanted or that I never have seen before. Things like communication. She is very open and direct with her feelings and needs. She listens to me and takes consideration and care with my emotions. I feel incredibly comfortable, very quickly.

 

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Okay, but just because the last educated woman you dated was angry and unable to handle stressful situations doesn't mean all are. I mean, if there were some correlation between being formally educated and sucking at relationships, then you would also be horrible and have nothing to offer the current woman you are seeing.

 

If you think you can be happy with the current woman, stay with her. Maybe, in fact, you ARE happy, you just notice this difference and think you shouldn't be. Who knows.

 

I myself wouldn't likely be happy. Or maybe I would. Often times you don't know what you'll feel until you are in a situation with an actual flesh and blood human. I've been in other situations where I didn't think I'd like something much but I ended up being fine with it.

 

I think I mentioned in my previous post that men who have had fewer degrees than I have...have not worked out. But now that I think about it, it wasn't necessarily the intellectual difference; it's that they weren't giving me much emotionally. The guys who have chosen to "give" to me emotionally happened to have degrees. It was a huge bonus that I could also be proud of them intellectually, but probably at the base of my happiness was them giving to me emotionally. So...you have a woman who is giving to you emotionally but just doesn't have degrees, and that's different.

 

I think if I were with a guy who was clearly below me intellectually and formal education-wise but plenty smart/bright and gave to me emotionally, I'd be happy but a little self-conscious around "educated" friends. But then you have the added dilemma of her just wanting to work as a barista and not much more. For me, I would live out of a box with someone who only wanted to be a barista for the rest of his life as long as he was intellectual and educated (whether formally or self). It's like this...if you fail in one area, it has to be made up for in another. Subconsciously, I think that's how we all judge things.

 

What you're saying about her...she's not making up for being less intellectual and formally educated by at least being ambitious/into a job. Nor is she making up for having a relatively lame job by being an intellectual and well-read dynamo.

 

So grappling with this more, if I were in your exact situation but with a guy, I think it would rankle with me enough to be a problem. I might love the guy to death but still not respect him as much as I wanted to respect a partner. And though you don't think so now, because it's the beginning and more women haven't been met just yet, you are eventually going to come across a woman who is as sweet, genuine, mature, and passionate about you as she is, PLUS be intellectual and educated. And you may like that woman more. Now mind you, it's also possible that if you stay with this woman for years, the degree of 'loyalty' and 'time together' could override whatever awesomeness and more full-packageness the new woman has, but...it could also be the case that you wish you'd waited for more of the full package.

 

A lot of people in this thread are saying "why do people expect to have almost ALL boxes or ALL boxes checked?" Well, I agree that no one should have that expectation . But not all boxes have the same weight. Someone could check most of my boxes, but not one that has significant weight for me, and it could still be like...damn.

 

So. I don't know. Just saying.

[central]

What I want more is someone who loves me completely for the person that I am and makes me feel it. I want awesome sex and a life of giggles.

 

You want someone who accepts you as you are. You need to accept THEM as they are, too - or move and find someone some one where it's mutual.

 

Frankly, you may find it difficult to find someone with credentials who is also highly compatible and a pleasure to be with. Yes, they probably exist, but YOU may not meet their standards - many intelligent and accomplished people may have an issue with your pot problem, for example. And very few will enjoy many of the activities you do share with your current SO.

 

I will say that lack of ambition or motivation to better herself may still be an issue that matters. It may depend on how consistent and persistent she is in maintaining her present level in career, etc.

 

I can say - being highly educated with degrees from very prestigious institutions - that a compatible partner is a real treasure, and is far better than someone with education who doesn't make me happy to be around.

[Glitters]

If it's an issue in the beginning, it will only magnify later.

[GorillaTheater]

Academic credentials don't mean much to me as far as relationships. I work in academia, and half my job duties would disappear if it wasn't for PhDs pulling laughably stupid crap. Although the degrees may be indicative of intellectual compatibility, chances are they don't.

 

I have a pocketful of degrees, and my wife doesn't. Our interests overlap to a point, although the entertainment she seeks out tends to be a little high-brow for me. I'm more of a roadhouse and B-movie kind of guy. But whatever our differences, she is clearly my intellectual equal, if not my superior.

 

Just a word of caution in the case you're placing as much importance on pieces of paper as I think you may be.

[Redhead14]

I tried to search this topic, but I didn't turn up topics that asked this, but I'm sure there are some. Please forgive me, but I'm also looking not for what you're looking for in a potential partner/what your attracted to, but more about how important it is that your partner be smart or the same level of education as you are.

 

 

I've met an awesomely nice and loving woman, and I'm completely infatuated with her. The last three months have been amazing after some dubious initial situations and differences. She's kind and warm hearted, she's an amazing singer, and she's into nerdy things that I'm into (D&D, board games, doctor who) and we both blaze like no other. She's passionate about music and participates in a community choir. I find her beautiful and we have amazing sex, and we giggle and have a good time. In terms of political views and sociological values, we're very similar (pro choice, pro gay marriage, etc..).

 

 

The things I worry about are all related to a drastic difference in our level of education. I'm a PhD who loves to talk about crazy ideas from all sorts of things in a very scientific way she'd be more pop-culture (i.e. what does it take to travel to another solar system, the implications on life time, travel speeds, time relativity, etc.. but she would be more like 'well in star wars..') She hasn't read many books and doesn't think critically about things like I do. We're on completely different levels.

 

Her career ambitions are modest at best, right now she works as a barista making only 9 bucks an hour and while my career could pay for a family, it's more like her complacency in her life situation that I wonder if I can tolerate. I want her to live to her potential as she's smart and super friendly, she just doesn't possess necessary credentials (no BS or BA degree, for example) and has no interest in school (don't blame her). I just wish she would aspire to manage the store instead of make the coffee, or something like that. Something that would let her make more than 18k a year. She is into Mary Kay sales, but I don't really know what that would amount to, even if she focused full time on it.

 

I don't know what it takes to have a great relationship and marriage (meh, not saying I want that tomorrow with her, just that at my age, my goal is to get married so any partner that isn't marriage material is a waste of time) and right now, this gap doesn't bother me in the slightest. What I want more is someone who loves me completely for the person that I am and makes me feel it. I want awesome sex and a life of giggles. I want laughs and some bowls of nuggets while playing d and d with our friends.

 

So what do you guys think? Does it work?

 

"INTELLEGENCE" IN YOUR PARTNER" -- It's 'intell I gence" -- I hope the people you date don't go by this . . . It's a typo I'm sure, but . . . The differences between people are what gives life color. And, some people are book smart and have no common sense and some people aren't very book smart but have tons of common sense. What one person lacks in book smarts, you can provide and vice versa.

 

Interests/hobbies, etc. are not a reflection of intelligence. If you have no interest in her interests, it's not going to work either though. And, if you like someone with high ambition, you should move on.

[miranda_wilson]

Also, forgot to ask, OP: How old is she?

 

Because if she is under 25, I would say the whole 'has no ambition' 'isn't educated' stuff may be a moot point. A lot of people mess around in their early 20s and go back for a degree in their late 20s, early 30s. They finish and...have a degree (and not just that they have the degree but they are intellectualized/made into readers/thinkers more.)

[LoveRefreshed]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I've a bit to think about here, and several good posts here, but for the sake of brevity and not repeating myself since a lot of these points are overlapping.

 

 

I guess it's not so much that I place significance on the degree itself, I guess I am thinking more about someone's drive to better themselves/be the best version of themselves. She didn't like college and dropped out, but she said she wants to prove you don't have to have a college degree to be successful. So while I like that point, and it's something I agree with, I think it's sort of naïve to think that you can do that without having some sort of plan, goal, or idea set in place. She is also the only woman I've dated who hasn't had a college degree at all.

 

What I meant by my statement about dating educated crazy women, I just meant I'm worried I'm on rebound and see this as "OMG, she's nice! So much better than..." On this same topic about misunderstood points: I love music, I love musicals and plays. She was huge into theater, dancing and musicals. She's very passionate about singing and I love that. So we have overlap like that, and I can get down on it. I'm also not meaning to say that we are having a problem already- it's just one glaring difference compared to what I've dated in the past (which 0 have worked out, amirite?) and I don't want to waste her time/hurt her as well as waste my own time. So I'm just a little concerned is all.

 

However, after hearing many people say they've been okay with it, I'm going to keep it going forward. I do, somehow, find myself subject to societal expectations.. I mean obviously- I'm a man who pursued a career to make money to make myself a successful person to buy the thing I want like happiness and women. (That is a sarcastic and cynical statement, don't go crazy folks!) I would be lying if she hasn't made a comment where I was like in my head "****, you can't talk like that around my colleagues"... but it's something I don't mind, it was raunchy and funny.

 

She basically told me that she wants to make me happy, that she can be an awesome home maker. She can cook and clean (except she hates dishes) and **** every night. I've never dated a woman who wasn't a career focused, "I'm more than a 50s housewife" style gal. On the other hand, she said she will always want to work and

 

I also agree about the box ticking. I have a list, I don't expect them all to be ticked, and I certainly have more important ones than others. In my last 10 years, I'd say I've re-written it and re-weighted this list. In the end, I'm after love.

 

Anyone who wants to give more stories and advices, that is fantastic. But I've made up my mind with the advice here and I'm going to put this issue from my mind, and if a problem arises, I'll communicate with her and it will go well, because she's awesome at it and at the end of the day, I don't think I need her to want to argue with me about the hypothesized details on what it would take to build solar power harvesting satellites in space and how to pipe that energy down to the earth without turning it into a death star. Because she'll get the joke about the death star and she'll give me the love and affection that I need for happiness.

 

EDITS:

OP is now 31 (a few days ago!)

Girl is now 29

 

Red, you're like 13 posts to late to point out my spelling error. Oh alas, if only smart people were as perfect as grammar Nazis and internet debaters.

[GoodOnPaper]

I do, somehow, find myself subject to societal expectations.. I mean obviously- I'm a man who pursued a career to make money to make myself a successful person to buy the thing I want like happiness and women. (That is a sarcastic and cynical statement, don't go crazy folks!) I would be lying if she hasn't made a comment where I was like in my head "****, you can't talk like that around my colleagues"... but it's something I don't mind, it was raunchy and funny.

 

From my experience, I suggest trying to take the societal expectations with a grain of salt. I ran into this kind of thing when I had a faculty position at an elite liberal arts institution -- similar to Grinnell College. (I could see where you might also run into this if you are at a large R1 institution -- of course at those places, noticeable eccentricities among faculty are more the norm than the exception.) My wife and I decided we just didn't fit in. Our interests were considered too pedestrian and to us, their attitudes just seemed too snooty. We moved back to the middle of the country -- I get plenty of intellectual stimulation at my university while the community's atmosphere is much more grounded.

 

Solidify how you feel about your GF first, then work on the societal stuff.

[regine_phalange]

I couldn't care less about degrees. I have a master's and don't think it's something special or proves my intelligence. It just means I spent X time studying Y subject. No big deal :s

 

Give me a man with no degree and a killer sense of humour any day -> this is my way of measuring intelligence, and also keeps me hooked. I don't mind a physical job either, on the contrary, I find many of those rather sexy. I don't care about him being "successful" as long as he has pride and is concerned with earning a comfortable living honestly, and makes me trust him and feel safe around him.

 

One has to set priorities of criteria about people they date because no one's perfect.

[introverted1]

OP, there is nothing wrong with valuing education if, in fact, that is what you are struggling with (in part).

 

I've observed in similar threads that there is a real disdain for education; it seemingly confers few benefits (other than a piece of paper that may or may not qualify you for a job).

 

It is certainly true that there isn't an automatic correlation between intelligence and education... but I would argue that there is a decided correlation between intellectual curiosity -- which can be manifested in multiple ways, including formal education -- and intelligence.