Intellegence in your partner

[LoveRefreshed]

I tried to search this topic, but I didn't turn up topics that asked this, but I'm sure there are some. Please forgive me, but I'm also looking not for what you're looking for in a potential partner/what your attracted to, but more about how important it is that your partner be smart or the same level of education as you are.

 

 

I've met an awesomely nice and loving woman, and I'm completely infatuated with her. The last three months have been amazing after some dubious initial situations and differences. She's kind and warm hearted, she's an amazing singer, and she's into nerdy things that I'm into (D&D, board games, doctor who) and we both blaze like no other. She's passionate about music and participates in a community choir. I find her beautiful and we have amazing sex, and we giggle and have a good time. In terms of political views and sociological values, we're very similar (pro choice, pro gay marriage, etc..).

 

 

The things I worry about are all related to a drastic difference in our level of education. I'm a PhD who loves to talk about crazy ideas from all sorts of things in a very scientific way she'd be more pop-culture (i.e. what does it take to travel to another solar system, the implications on life time, travel speeds, time relativity, etc.. but she would be more like 'well in star wars..') She hasn't read many books and doesn't think critically about things like I do. We're on completely different levels.

 

Her career ambitions are modest at best, right now she works as a barista making only 9 bucks an hour and while my career could pay for a family, it's more like her complacency in her life situation that I wonder if I can tolerate. I want her to live to her potential as she's smart and super friendly, she just doesn't possess necessary credentials (no BS or BA degree, for example) and has no interest in school (don't blame her). I just wish she would aspire to manage the store instead of make the coffee, or something like that. Something that would let her make more than 18k a year. She is into Mary Kay sales, but I don't really know what that would amount to, even if she focused full time on it.

 

I don't know what it takes to have a great relationship and marriage (meh, not saying I want that tomorrow with her, just that at my age, my goal is to get married so any partner that isn't marriage material is a waste of time) and right now, this gap doesn't bother me in the slightest. What I want more is someone who loves me completely for the person that I am and makes me feel it. I want awesome sex and a life of giggles. I want laughs and some bowls of nuggets while playing d and d with our friends.

 

So what do you guys think? Does it work?

[Oregon_Dude]

Well, you two click on many levels, just not on one that is clearly very important to you.

 

Personally I wouldn't want to date someone who's content with being a barista, doesn't read and isn't very smart.

 

You can either ignore your gut, or you can continue forward, making her your "good enough for now" girl.

 

But from what I hear, she's not who you see yourself with long-term.

[Oregon_Dude]

We're on completely different levels.

 

right now, this gap doesn't bother me in the slightest.

You're contradicting yourself. You're being dishonest with yourself. I don't care if you lie to us, but lying to yourself is a much bigger deal.

 

Be wholly honest, and do not stay with someone who doesn't challenge you intellectually.

[Grumpybutfun]

She is a fellow nerd.....those are precious in this world! Total keeper.

Are you more worried about your values or others values? I personally wouldn't care if she and I were compatible and she shared deal breaker values with me such as loyalty, integrity, passion, kindness, and compassion.

Best,

G

[LoveRefreshed]

You're contradicting yourself. You're being dishonest with yourself. I don't care if you lie to us, but lying to yourself is a much bigger deal.

 

Be wholly honest, and do not stay with someone who doesn't challenge you intellectually.

 

 

*Looks around*

 

There's few women who are going to do that. Even fewer that I find attractive and wouldn't bitch about my daily weed habit.

 

*Ducks*

 

A lot of people have PhDs that wouldn't challenge me intellectually, but there are a lot of women who have passionate goals and interest that teach me things about topics I'm not schooled in.

 

I have learned about music from her, she went to school for it and school for musical education. She knows a ton of music and shares it with me. She pursues that passion in a community choir.. I just wished she could make a career out of it, or something else she found equally interesting.

 

However, her emotional maturity is what I really find attractive and something I've never seen from any other woman I've ever dated.

[d0nnivain]

The things I worry about are all related to a drastic difference in our level of education. I'm a PhD who loves to talk about crazy ideas from all sorts of things in a very scientific way she'd be more pop-culture (i.e. what does it take to travel to another solar system, the implications on life time, travel speeds, time relativity, etc.. but she would be more like 'well in star wars..') She hasn't read many books and doesn't think critically about things like I do. We're on completely different levels.

 

 

So what do you guys think? Does it work?

 

Enjoy the infatuation but this does not have long term potential IMHO. If you can't talk, you don't have much. Sex only gets you so far.

 

She doesn't have to have a PhD to have a curious mind but if she is basically a dullard, unless you are willing to never have somebody to talk to at home, this can't be sustained.

 

I have a post graduate degree & DH only had a HS diploma but was taking OL courses toward his B.A. when we met. However he was one of the brightest most clever quick witted people I have ever met so I was attracted to him. The diplomas & letters after your name don't matter but the ability to engage each other & stimulate each other intellectually are important.

 

If she just doesn't get you or will stare at you blankly when you espouse some theory that is important to you, do you really want to live the rest of your life with somebody who can't share your joy / curiosity?

[Oregon_Dude]

*Looks around*

 

There's few women who are going to do that. Even fewer that I find attractive and wouldn't bitch about my daily weed habit.

Well then, great. Continue on with your life as is. You wouldn't have made this thread if you didn't see an issue, though. I'm not sure why you did, TBH, because you seem a bit defensive.

 

In all honesty I think you yourself have some growing up to do. Smoking weed every day isn't cool or edgy. You're stunting yourself.

[LoveRefreshed]

She is a fellow nerd.....those are precious in this world! Total keeper.

Are you more worried about your values or others values? I personally wouldn't care if she and I were compatible and she shared deal breaker values with me such as loyalty, integrity, passion, kindness, and compassion.

Best,

G

 

That is something, as I've gotten older and dates more women, I'm starting to focus more on. Our similar views, her loyalty and kindness. Her compassion towards others.

 

On top of her golden heart (Neil Young sings to my soul about searching for a heart of gold), she's amazingly beautiful and her touch makes me feel so amazing and special.

[LoveRefreshed]

Well then, great. Continue on with your life as is. You wouldn't have made this thread if you didn't see an issue, though. I'm not sure why you did, TBH, because you seem a bit defensive.

 

In all honesty I think you yourself have some growing up to do. Smoking weed every day isn't cool or edgy. You're stunting yourself.

 

 

I'm not defensive. I'm just pointing out that I've dated Ph.D. girls and girls with BS degrees. What pushed me away was their anger and lack of kindness. Their emotional immaturity and selfishness in behavior.

 

I'm just saying that it's hard to find someone who is going to challenge me, but I think you mean more what d0nnivain was saying about being able to share in my curiosity and joy. I will test this and see what she is capable of doing in that department.

 

I told her I want to share books with her and I like reading to my partner, and she said she would totally listen to be read books to her. I'm so for that and will see how that works. Like I said, she's not stupid. She catches on quickly, she just lacks formal education (she dropped out due to depression in her first year of college) and then never went back.

 

 

 

I don't smoke weed every day because it's cool or edgy. I smoke weed every day to destress and I enjoy it. While some folks like that brew a day, or a six pack, I prefer to rip a bowl and be baked while I relax.

[Oregon_Dude]

OP, your thread is a humblebrag disguised as an advice request. You have a great relationship - according to YOU. Don't sabotage it.

 

You're not going to change her, so better start f*cking loving her and accepting her - for who she is right NOW - not for who she COULD be someday.

[LoveRefreshed]

OP, your thread is a humblebrag disguised as an advice request. You have a great relationship - according to YOU. Don't sabotage it.

 

You're not going to change her, so better start f*cking loving her and accepting her - for who she is right NOW - not for who she COULD be someday.

 

I disagree. I asked for people who have had experience with this difference. And asked if it is a concern later on.

 

Anyway, thanks for your advices, I do appreciate them. However, don't misinterpret my intentions.

[GunslingerRoland]

Are you talking about education level or intelligence? Not the same thing at all, some of the dumbest people I've ever talked to are highly educated, some of the smartest are high school drop outs.

 

 

Personally, intelligence is hugely important to me. I have no tolerance for stupid people. It's up there with sex, humor, and caring as the most important things in a partner.

 

 

Education, I don't really care that much. It would be weird dating someone in this day and age who had no education after high school, but I don't think it'd be a deal breaker.

[kismetkismet]

For me it's less about literal intellectual level and more about level of interest and engagement and ambition. It's about the way you interact with the world and larger goals and values I think. For me anyway. My current boyfriend has considerably less education than I do, and I'm quite academic and a lit nerd, but his level of interest and his passion in life/career more than make up for it. He reads a ton of the same stuff that I do, and even though he has no formal secondary education he likes to talk about the same things as I do and we trade books and things. Also he's super passionate about his career and about life in general.. I think that part of the thing that appeals to me is the level of passion for life and the world.. he engages and gets excited about similar things to me..

 

My last boyfriend on the other hand was basically a genius. He was one of the smartest people I've ever met and was more well versed in the academics i'm interested in and literature I read. HOWEVER, he had very little ambition or interest in actually engaging with the world. He sort of thought himself into an immobilized corner, felt like he was too smart for everything almost and all he wanted to do was drink and play video games.

 

My current boyfriend fuels my interest in things, gets me excited about my life, and encourages me to be passionate about my career and other things that I value.. whereas my technically more intelligent ex made me feel limited and disengaged from the world.

 

I guess my point is that it's not a simple yes or no question. You have to think about what you value, how you want to live your life, if you think you will be stimulated by this relationship in all the ways you want to be stimulated. I think it's probably too soon for you to know that, but it's something to pay attention to. Someone with your level of education must really value knowledge and intelligence. Could you spend your whole life not being able to converse with your life partner about the things that interest you most?

[losangelena]

Are you talking about education level or intelligence? Not the same thing at all, some of the dumbest people I've ever talked to are highly educated, some of the smartest are high school drop outs.

 

 

Personally, intelligence is hugely important to me. I have no tolerance for stupid people. It's up there with sex, humor, and caring as the most important things in a partner.

 

 

Education, I don't really care that much. It would be weird dating someone in this day and age who had no education after high school, but I don't think it'd be a deal breaker.

 

I think that's an important distinction. My ex and I both have masters degrees, and he is smart, and highly educated, but we were, let's say, intellectually curious about different things. It made having really scintillating conversations difficult. On the other hand, I've dated guys who are also very smart but don't have much of an education, who I can talk to for hours, so ... there's that.

 

So I would say smarts and cleverness are more important than education level for sure.

[basil67]

I don't know what it takes to have a great relationship and marriage (meh, not saying I want that tomorrow with her, just that at my age, my goal is to get married so any partner that isn't marriage material is a waste of time) and right now, this gap doesn't bother me in the slightest. What I want more is someone who loves me completely for the person that I am and makes me feel it. I want awesome sex and a life of giggles. I want laughs and some bowls of nuggets while playing d and d with our friends.

 

So what do you guys think? Does it work?

 

This is what my husband and I have. He's educated with a career. I left school at 16 and got a job. (yes, we're talking many years ago when this was possible).

 

We still enjoy each other's company. We still make each other laugh. While I may not have lived up to my potential in a work environment, it's OK because I ended up being full time carer to our disabled son. I'm certainly meeting my potential in that arena!

 

Potential can be met in more areas than career. We never know what the future holds.

 

OH and judging by the amount I spent on Mary Kay last weekend, I reckon she could earn a bit of money there

[lilmissjava]

They don't give degrees for life experiences and wisdom gathered from your own imagination or any other avenue of learning.

 

I think it is completely snobby to disclose that she is on a different level because she lacks what you don't. She is emotionally healthy and enjoys the things she does with you.

 

You said you could provide for a family, so why don't you do that? I see no evidence of her unhappiness in her current occcupation?

 

What if her dreams and desires are to just be happy and the things she clicks with you gives her that?

Edited November 19, 2015 by lilmissjava
Typo

[BlueIris]

I tried to search this topic, but I didn't turn up topics that asked this, but I'm sure there are some. Please forgive me, but I'm also looking not for what you're looking for in a potential partner/what your attracted to, but more about how important it is that your partner be smart or the same level of education as you are.

 

I've met an awesomely nice and loving woman, and I'm completely infatuated with her. The last three months have been amazing after some dubious initial situations and differences. She's kind and warm hearted, she's an amazing singer, and she's into nerdy things that I'm into (D&D, board games, doctor who) and we both blaze like no other. She's passionate about music and participates in a community choir. I find her beautiful and we have amazing sex, and we giggle and have a good time. In terms of political views and sociological values, we're very similar (pro choice, pro gay marriage, etc..).

 

The things I worry about are all related to a drastic difference in our level of education. I'm a PhD who loves to talk about crazy ideas from all sorts of things in a very scientific way she'd be more pop-culture (i.e. what does it take to travel to another solar system, the implications on life time, travel speeds, time relativity, etc.. but she would be more like 'well in star wars..') She hasn't read many books and doesn't think critically about things like I do. We're on completely different levels.

 

Her career ambitions are modest at best, right now she works as a barista making only 9 bucks an hour and while my career could pay for a family, it's more like her complacency in her life situation that I wonder if I can tolerate. I want her to live to her potential as she's smart and super friendly, she just doesn't possess necessary credentials (no BS or BA degree, for example) and has no interest in school (don't blame her). I just wish she would aspire to manage the store instead of make the coffee, or something like that. Something that would let her make more than 18k a year. She is into Mary Kay sales, but I don't really know what that would amount to, even if she focused full time on it.

 

I don't know what it takes to have a great relationship and marriage (meh, not saying I want that tomorrow with her, just that at my age, my goal is to get married so any partner that isn't marriage material is a waste of time) and right now, this gap doesn't bother me in the slightest. What I want more is someone who loves me completely for the person that I am and makes me feel it. I want awesome sex and a life of giggles. I want laughs and some bowls of nuggets while playing d and d with our friends.

 

So what do you guys think? Does it work?

 

Maybe she has something to teach you. Everyone can teach us something.

 

There’s a big danger in getting too full of ourselves, too high-horse-y. It’s not pleasant to be around. A high-horse-y person might say things like: You misspelled intelligent and the proper grammar is, there are few or there’re few, not there’s few. Obnoxious, right?

 

Appreciate her. She sounds terrific and you enjoy being with her. Count your blessings and learn from her.

[mrldii]

*Looks around*

 

There's few women who are going to do that...

 

There's few women who can challenge you intellectually? Really? Would a woman be intellectually challenging if she pointed out to you that it is spelled "intelligence" as opposed to your preferred "intellegence"?

 

 

In any event, in my personal experience, formal educational levels have had less to do withhappy relationships than shared values...including the value each of us places ON getting an education/having comparable educations.

 

From what you've written, the fact that you find her to be less motivated and less ambitious than you would like her to be is probably going to be a bigger problem than her actual level of education. Even if she suddenly went out and got her PhD, you'd still continue to look down on her for not being as ambitious and motivated as you (see) yourself.

[BlueIris]

There's few women who can challenge you intellectually? Really? Would a woman be intellectually challenging if she pointed out to you that it is spelled "intelligence" as opposed to your preferred "intellegence"?

 

 

In any event, in my personal experience, formal educational levels have had less to do withhappy relationships than shared values...including the value each of us places ON getting an education/having comparable educations.

 

From what you've written, the fact that you find her to be less motivated and less ambitious than you would like her to be is probably going to be a bigger problem than her actual level of education. Even if she suddenly went out and got her PhD, you'd still continue to look down on her for not being as ambitious and motivated as you (see) yourself.

 

Hehe. I couldn't resist either. Nothing like thinking we're "all that" to make the image come crashing down. Ask my BF- it happens to me all the time and he just chuckles.

[Samhain]

You don't need a doctorate in order to be considered "intelligent". Most intelligent, wisest person I've ever known had no qualifications whatsoever.

 

When my girl asks me about things I love talking to her and teaching her some stuff that I know, as much as I love hearing things she tells me about that I knew nothing of. It can be a great thing. One thing she has said to me a few times... "I love how I can ask you anything and talk to you about anything and you never make me feel stupid or dumb for not knowing and asking"..

 

You get my point.

[mrldii]

Maybe she has something to teach you. Everyone can teach us something.

 

There’s a big danger in getting too full of ourselves, too high-horse-y. It’s not pleasant to be around. A high-horse-y person might say things like: You misspelled intelligent and the proper grammar is, there are few or there’re few, not there’s few. Obnoxious, right?

 

Appreciate her. She sounds terrific and you enjoy being with her. Count your blessings and learn from her.

 

 

Absolutely. I once dated a very accomplished lawyer (when I hadn't even started college, yet) who'd just gone out and bought some fancy, dancy computer 'game' that scientifically designed for people in his field and was intended to improve litigation skills.

 

I outscored him every time.

 

My current man has an advanced engineering degree and has been successfully employed - and handsomely rewarded - for over 30 years with the same company. I went to college for the *lowly* field of Gerontology.

 

He learned early on to NOT write me notes...I butcher his grammar and language *skilz*.

 

"Intelligence" is a tricky, tricky thing. Even science is now just catching on that there are 9 (and maybe even more!) different types of it.

 

The Nine Types of Intelligence

 

[stillafool]

OP, I'm curious if her ambitions and earning potential are only important to you because of what your friends and colleagues might think of you dating a woman without a degree.

[losangelena]

I had this guy break up with me once, and when he was explaining why, one of the reasons he gave was that he didn't think I was far enough along in my career (I was just starting to do freelance work and didn't have many stable clients yet). I was one of the most insulting things I've ever heard. That's like telling someone, "you'll never have more ambition than you have right now."

 

That's like if I'd broken up with him because he was previously married and I said, "I don't think you'll ever be successful in another marriage."

[katiegrl]

There's few women who can challenge you intellectually? Really? Would a woman be intellectually challenging if she pointed out to you that it is spelled "intelligence" as opposed to your preferred "intellegence"?

 

 

.

 

LOL... mrldii you are quick!!

[mrldii]

LOL... mrldii you are quick!!

 

 

Ahhhhh, blueiris caught it first; I just hadn't seen her reply when making mine.

 

I'm just waiting for the "proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar skills have nothing to do with intelligence" speech, which inevitably gets rolled out during these delicate topics.