kismetkismet Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Ok, so for example, at the beginning he wanted to hang out more than you.. Did you say "I am really into you, but let's not hang out as much and take it a little slower?" Or was it more like "I am busy that day, I don't feel that good, something came up " etc.. The first week or two it was more like 'i'm busy that day,' (because i actually was) but I got the sense that he was really launching into things and on one date he was like 'i hope it doesn't feel like i'm trying to smother you by wanting to hang out so much, I just really like you.' and I said something like 'I really like you too, I just think we should take time to get to know each other and not rush things too much because in my experience that can lead to problems.. I like you so much that I don't want us to trip over our feet, or get sick of each other, or burn out somehow. I think that if you let your emotions run away on you it can actually hurt things in the long run.' Not that exactly, but something like that. We had a few conversations like that and I always framed it as like - i like you so much that i don't want to wreck it. I was very up front about why I was doing it, and he was very upfront about his feelings about it as well. I was sure about my feelings for him from the beginning which made it easier, it's just that those feelings scared me a bit because it was so intense.
RecentChange Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Thanks for explaining, I like details..Lets me see the whole picture. I must say your openness about it is refreshing. Well, I don't want to derail this thread and make it about me. There is a couple month old, 15+ page thread on the infidelity board about it. I would say that there have been a number of revelations since I lasted posted on the subject - but you can check it out. I have thought about a "follow up" but I still think the dust is settling, I am still masticating, and trying to figure out what to make of it all (well, and there is that whole being flogged by the masses - I am not everyone's fav). I am dead honest, on here at least, no reason for pretenses. You are welcome to PM me once you have the "privilege" to!
Riptide91 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 My relationship was basically smooth sailing form the get go. Met at a party – really liked him. He asked me out, went on a date two days later. Chemistry, fireworks, great sex… from that point on we saw each other as often as possible (a couple times a week), things, feelings, emotions etc developed really fast ( I think he said “I love you” less than 4 weeks in). Nope, never flaked on a date or anything with him, I wanted to see him SO badly, all the time! I would never flake (but flaked PLENTY on guys I felt lukewarm about) on him. He moved a shortly after for a job, we started an LD thing, seeing each other every, or every other weekend – soon had a “where is this going” talk, both of us agreed we were head over heels and wanted to be together. As soon as I could (6 months to finish college), we moved in together. That was over 14 years ago. We have had a few ups and downs, but the early years (like the first 8?!) nope, no pull backs ever, no wondering if this was right, no second guesses – it was like a freight train that I had no option but to jump aboard! (oh, and we were young, early / mid 20's) I read this and smiled because it sounds a lot like me and my current girlfriend... Then I read the post by Redfisher and it completely ruined it. I'm not necessarily judging you since I don't know the story, I just think infidelity is one of the cruelest things to do to someone you love. Anyways, I think that it depends on the person you're with. My current gf and I had a great first 3 months when we started dating but things became more complicated as we were forced into a LD relationship because of school/work. Was it smooth? No. Was it something I wanted bad enough to make it work? Yes.
Redfisher Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Well, I don't want to derail this thread and make it about me. There is a couple month old, 15+ page thread on the infidelity board about it. I would say that there have been a number of revelations since I lasted posted on the subject - but you can check it out. I have thought about a "follow up" but I still think the dust is settling, I am still masticating, and trying to figure out what to make of it all (well, and there is that whole being flogged by the masses - I am not everyone's fav). I am dead honest, on here at least, no reason for pretenses. You are welcome to PM me once you have the "privilege" to! Cool, I will look it up and give it a read! Honesty is always the best answer even when its the most painful. Is it a post or time thing before you can PM?
joseb Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 I can't remember if it was you who said you cheated on him? Sorry if i'm thinking of somebody else. That's interesting. My "smoothest" relationship was the one where my girlfriend of many years cheated on me too. So maybe people take others for granted if it's all smooth sailing initially. Maybe a part of them want's some more drama. 2
RecentChange Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 (edited) Heh, like I said, there is LONG thread. His infidelity actually came before mine (about 5 years ago). We love each other and worked through it. The road of life can be rocky at times, but the good still way out weighs the bad between us - and no regrets jumping on that train all those years ago. 14 years down the road, I don't think I was looking for drama. Like I said life is complicated. Many couples do not make it nearly as long as we have. And despite the bumps, otherwise we still get along quite well. As for PMs I am not sure if its time to posting number,! Maybe both. Edited November 20, 2015 by RecentChange
Leigh 87 Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Mine was. We were both just really into each other. Yes, in the first couple of weeks we both half expected the dissapering act. But that's just managing our expectations (haha Redhead14) But there was no flakiness. We texted daily and there was always consistency. We just became more and more sure about each other.
truth_seeker Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Its why I have little sympathy for the women who meet guys who exhibit douchebag behaviour off dating sites. The douchebags at the top of the food chain get the best of the girl and then pump and dump while the average Joe who is looking for a genuine connection gets messed about and flaked on. Women are much like men - they want someone who is very attractive, is a catch, they can show off to their friends and family. The dbags online know this and use this to their advantage by conning them into believing they're that guy, only to use them and throw them away when their needs are met. The problem with average Joe nice guys is that they're too nice. If the average Joe had some swag and edge to his approach, but not go overboard like the dbag, he could do well for himself. 1
truth_seeker Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Yep that's me (maybe I should change my avitar to a scarlet letter ) Ahh, reasons are complicated, but I don't think moving fast in the beginning was one of them. I still love the heck out of him, but he is struggling with some stuff right now (depression low libio -which I didn't realize when I cheated), and I "suffer" (or enjoy depending on your point of view) from an emotion + sex disconnect which made a "sex only" fling easier. I liked your original post but then saw this. Are you guys married? Usually these relationships where the couple is together for many years but there is no marriage, someone is cheating. I don't know why people think it's okay to cheat because they're not married.
truth_seeker Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 I think that it can. I've been wondering this a lot myself lately because my current relationship has been going SO smoothly that I am almost alarmed by it. I always assumed that dating was difficult and complicated and a bit of a strain. I had always found it that way. And I assumed relationships were a lot of work, and was used to relationships that were like 20-30% enjoyable, 70-80% strain and stress and conflict of sorts. I thought that was normal. I can't speak for the overall health/longevity of relationships that start off smoothly because I've only been with my current boyfriend for two months. It's possible this is a 'honey moon period' though I've never had one like this at ALL before (I'm 29 and have had 3 serious LTRs before this, and dated quite a few others). there has been no game playing whatsoever, we've both been very honest about our needs/feelings/personal baggage etc. I had to be open with him about slowing things down a few times because I felt he was moving too quickly in the beginning, but there was no fear associated with it. I was sure I wanted to pursue things and told him as much, i just didn't want to leap in blindly. Even on the first date there was no awkwardness, though there was a bit of nervousness/excitement. I started feeling like i was in love with him on the second date (didn't tell him until he said the same thing 6 weeks later) and he feels like one of my best friends already.. the relationship feels EASY and FUN in a way I had never experienced before. I was never even really that into relationships because i found them to be such a struggle for me emotionally - this is nothing like that. he feels the same way, though there has been a little more anxiety on his end because he was more the pursuer. I think that a large part of the reason that things have gone so smoothly (besides being exceptionally compatible) is that we are in our late 20s, have both had multiple serious relationships, our most recent relationships ended in a healthy way, and we are both very sure and clear about what we want. Not only are we sure of what we want, but we're not ashamed to express what we want, or embarrassed about having particular needs. That eliminates a lot of the game playing that can happen in the beginning I think. There is very little ego play going on. I go on my gut. If I start sensing something isn't right, then that's a sign to walk away. The beginning shouldn't be hard - it should be fun. The only times it should be hard, if at all, is when it comes to life changing decisions, ie, taking a job in a new state or country, buying a home or a condo, when to start a family. I'm all about knowing right on the spot. You just know they're the one. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic...
thecrucible Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 There have been relationships that for me have been very easy to get into and good in the early stages but got really difficult later on. This is because I got into relationships too quickly but I was also young and inexperienced. I don't live for the fantasy that if it isn't easy, then it can't be real love. But there is a limit to how much I can put up with. I used to be a whole lot more easy going but now I have more self-confidence and higher standards for myself, I'm quite put off by game-playing and other behaviours which indicate bad character. If it's really pulling teeth to get it to a work and the person is stringing you along, then now I'd definitely bail sooner rather than later. I'd much rather wait and date someone into me. With certain people I wouldn't call it 'love at first sight' but you get a warm feeling about them after talking to them which isn't lust but something different.
RecentChange Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 I liked your original post but then saw this. Are you guys married? Usually these relationships where the couple is together for many years but there is no marriage, someone is cheating. I don't know why people think it's okay to cheat because they're not married. You are free to judge me, this is Exhibit A if you are at all curious. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/538510-successful-affair I would say its part of the story, don't know if I will get around to writing a post "no contact" follow up or not.
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 What should a guy expect while dating? Looking back, including my ex wife, things were never smooth sailing at the beginning of a relationship. It was always rescheduling, flaking, excuses, her being "scared" and pulling away, coming back etc. This happened with every relationship I had that ever amounted to anythjng at the beginning. As a woman I expected communication & romance. While sometimes I'd have to reschedule, I would talk to my partner, especially a new partner. Heck, 6 weeks into dating DH my EX BF died & I was a wreck. even though we dated as adults & had been apart for 2 years with me casually dating in the interim trying to find a long term partner, because I had known my EX & his whole extended family since high school (it was a small HS), I was devastated by his passing. So of course I was weird & out of sorts immediately after the EX's death but I kept my new BF in the loop of what was going on with me so we came through it stronger. Too much drama for the sake of drama & skittish people who don't know their own minds (the scared pulling away nonsense you describe),were ushered out of my life quickly. 1
Author oregon0011 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 That's interesting. My "smoothest" relationship was the one where my girlfriend of many years cheated on me too. So maybe people take others for granted if it's all smooth sailing initially. Maybe a part of them want's some more drama. I think the reason i got married was because it was "low drama", and "low flaky" level at the beginning, but she cheated and left me for another guy after a son and 5 years of marriage..
losangelena Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 I liked your original post but then saw this. Are you guys married? Usually these relationships where the couple is together for many years but there is no marriage, someone is cheating. I don't know why people think it's okay to cheat because they're not married. Well, I'm not sure she said she thought it was OK. She's saying it happened and she admitted that it was a mistake. Who amongst us has never done something sh*tty to another human being? Yes, I suppose you could say that cheating is the worst thing, but she and her partner decided to forgive and accept each other despite BOTH cheating. Life gets intense sometimes, bad things happen, we hurt others. It would be a shame for everyone here to start thinking less of RC just because of what she's admitted to, since she has a lot of good advice to give.
Popsicle Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Yeah for me, it was always the opposite too. The relationships I had that amounted to something were always smooth and delightful in the beginning. The ones that had drama, confusion or headaches in the beginning never went anywhere.
RecentChange Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Sorry to derail... Honestly people can think less of me, that's fine, I form opinions of others, and base my judgement on their posts etc. That's natural. And my moralities, emotional tendies are far from inline with everyone's and not necessarily main stream. But I do have a bit of experience, and an advanced degree in sociology, I am happy to share my perspective, while understanding its not popular with everyone. Some are welcome to disregard what I say as they do not agree with my line of thought. Others may find my "outside the box" perspective helpful. No harm no foul I really don't take anything on here personal. Sure I used some of it as a tool for introspection, but I am not really offended by those who "judge" or disagree or fail to understand where I am coming from. Hell, I am still working on understanding my perspective!
truth_seeker Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Well, I'm not sure she said she thought it was OK. She's saying it happened and she admitted that it was a mistake. Who amongst us has never done something sh*tty to another human being? Yes, I suppose you could say that cheating is the worst thing, but she and her partner decided to forgive and accept each other despite BOTH cheating. Life gets intense sometimes, bad things happen, we hurt others. It would be a shame for everyone here to start thinking less of RC just because of what she's admitted to, since she has a lot of good advice to give. If the guy cheated first and she did revenge cheating, then she gets a pass.
truth_seeker Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Sorry to derail... Honestly people can think less of me, that's fine, I form opinions of others, and base my judgement on their posts etc. That's natural. And my moralities, emotional tendies are far from inline with everyone's and not necessarily main stream. But I do have a bit of experience, and an advanced degree in sociology, I am happy to share my perspective, while understanding its not popular with everyone. Some are welcome to disregard what I say as they do not agree with my line of thought. Others may find my "outside the box" perspective helpful. No harm no foul I really don't take anything on here personal. Sure I used some of it as a tool for introspection, but I am not really offended by those who "judge" or disagree or fail to understand where I am coming from. Hell, I am still working on understanding my perspective! I'm willing to accept people even if they do things I do not find acceptable. I'm open to understanding where you're coming from.
Author oregon0011 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 I'm willing to accept people even if they do things I do not find acceptable. I'm open to understanding where you're coming from. Well, I guess my question would be related to "what works" She replied like everything was wonderful from the beginning in her life with her bf.. She was called out, and in reality they both cheated on each other, which she left out of her initial response..
truth_seeker Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 You are free to judge me, this is Exhibit A if you are at all curious. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/538510-successful-affair I would say its part of the story, don't know if I will get around to writing a post "no contact" follow up or not. I read your story and found it quite arousing It reminds me of that movie "Unfaithful" with Richard Gere, Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez. I just hope your boyfriend didn't hit this guy over the head and rolled up his dead body in a rug? I have to say since your boyfriend cheated on you and you weren't looking for an affair, but it just happened by the way you described it... I wouldn't call it a successful affair, but fair play. You boyfriend can't be angry with you. He neglected you and cheated on you. I don't blame you for having fun with this guy you met on the train. I do find it odd you two would stick together after all of this.
truth_seeker Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Well, I guess my question would be related to "what works" She replied like everything was wonderful from the beginning in her life with her bf.. She was called out, and in reality they both cheated on each other, which she left out of her initial response.. Initially, I thought she just cheated on her boyfriend. When I found out he did it first and then she fell into this opportunity with this other guy, I can understand why she cheated. Man, I gotta repeat myself and say what works is what you feel in your gut. Do you feel good about the woman your dating? If so, go with it. If you feel something is wrong, then most likely something is wrong. You then talk to her to try and resolve whatever is bothering you. If you can't, then you separate yourself from her. Don't hang around to get burned.
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