oregon0011 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 What should a guy expect while dating? Looking back, including my ex wife, things were never smooth sailing at the beginning of a relationship. It was always rescheduling, flaking, excuses, her being "scared" and pulling away, coming back etc. This happened with every relationship I had that ever amounted to anythjng at the beginning. Reading these threads and talking to friends it seems to be the same with others. Even back in the day, we hear stories of parents and grandparents that pursued their wives quite a bit before marriage. Or, do you meet a girl and she never flakes? She doesn't pull away out of fear? She is completely single? No ex baggage? And it just smoothly escalates? Is the latter probable , or possible?
Oregon_Dude Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 The girl I'm currently, maybe dating, had to cancel on me for the first date because of being sick. I'm glad I gave her another chance. There's always small games, some chasing, some pushing and pulling. So no, I don't think it's ever really smooth sailing. People are hesitant to be the one who cares more, and for a while, no one is sure if the 'liking' is mutual. Just keep getting out there, and stay the hell away from crazy. 2
insert_name Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I think it depends on how you meet the girl. I know friends who have had a smooth run meeting girls offline. I have only ever known the behaviour you describe when trying to meet girls via online methods. And I guess you can't blame them- just think how easy it is for women to meet guys via Tinder, OK Cupid and the like. They can just keep spinning the wheel of fortune. In fact I have got to a point where I have just given up now, due to personal circumstances the only way I will meet women for the forseeable future is through apps like those and I have very little faith, based on what I have experienced so far, that women I date are capable of deleting those apps off their phones when they claim to be 'exclusive'. Those apps are so insidious and hard to kerb, you are left in a constant state of paranoia when you don't hear from them for a day or two. Its no way to live. The answer is to invest less but then what is the point if you are always having to hold back because you could be ghosted at any second? Its why I have little sympathy for the women who meet guys who exhibit douchebag behaviour off dating sites. The douchebags at the top of the food chain get the best of the girl and then pump and dump while the average Joe who is looking for a genuine connection gets messed about and flaked on. As someone who started dating girls back around 2000 I can definitely say that its much harder nowadays to try and meet a partner because you get so little opportunity to make a good impression before you are nexted. 2
lilmissjava Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 (edited) Or, do you meet a girl and she never flakes? She doesn't pull away out of fear? She is completely single? No ex baggage? And it just smoothly escalates? Is the latter probable , or possible? I don't think the expectation of a smooth process in the early stages is possible at all. Some experience hesitation at first because it's an instinct. The fear of the unknown and unfamiliar and the further we venture away from what we are accustomed to, that hesitation escalates into flakiness. Some people are easily anxious about this very thing. The best we can all do is just hope for the best and remember what it is we are looking for and what it is we want. We shouldn't need anyone to determine our happiness because that comes within yourself. Edited November 19, 2015 by lilmissjava 3
mrldii Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I wouldn't know if successful relationships require dealing with a lot of issues at the start. For me, if there's a lot of issues at the start, that's an indication that there will be relationship, successful or otherwise. I save my 'working so hard' to preserve a relationship, not to get into one. 3
GunslingerRoland Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I don't remember dating being that bad. I mean stuff comes up sometimes, but pretty rare. For me though, once I make plans, unless it's an emergency I don't really break them and I'd expect similar to someone I was dating. I guess for me I haven't dated since I was in university and had a lot less of the responsibilities I have now. Dating with young kids, would be really tricky.
Wewon Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 What should a guy expect while dating? Looking back, including my ex wife, things were never smooth sailing at the beginning of a relationship. It was always rescheduling, flaking, excuses, her being "scared" and pulling away, coming back etc. This happened with every relationship I had that ever amounted to anythjng at the beginning. Reading these threads and talking to friends it seems to be the same with others. Even back in the day, we hear stories of parents and grandparents that pursued their wives quite a bit before marriage. Or, do you meet a girl and she never flakes? She doesn't pull away out of fear? She is completely single? No ex baggage? And it just smoothly escalates? Is the latter probable , or possible? The only relationships I had that followed any of those patterns were disasters that never made it past a few weeks at best. So much so that I started taking all of those false starts as a harbinger that the woman wasn't going to put any real effort into the relationship or worse, lose respect for me and start playing mean games (back burner, long bouts of NC, etc). Not to mention the fact that nobody wants to be "that guy" that doesn't get the hint. When I met my wife or any long term girlfriend it was pretty much smooth sailing. 3
Grumpybutfun Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 My view has always been if it is too drama filled, I moved on. With most of my long term relationships, it was easy. If it wasn't, they never made it to long term. Of course, I would fight for our relationship if the reason for the adversity came from external forces, but if someone was flaky, distant, emotionally stunted, or had too much baggage without working on it, I wouldn't stick around. Being drama laden isn't sexy or healthy to me. I'm not someone's therapist. I believe compassion and understanding goes a long way, but only if the other person knows how to take care of themselves first. You can't be in a relationship with someone who isn't whole, isn't emotionally healthy and who uses you and your emotions to makes themselves feel better...that leads to codependency. Although I like a chase, the person I chase has to be an equal to me in healthiness. Best, G 7
WaitingForBardot Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 The only relationships I had that followed any of those patterns were disasters that never made it past a few weeks at best. So much so that I started taking all of those false starts as a harbinger that the woman wasn't going to put any real effort into the relationship or worse, lose respect for me and start playing mean games (back burner, long bouts of NC, etc). Not to mention the fact that nobody wants to be "that guy" that doesn't get the hint. When I met my wife or any long term girlfriend it was pretty much smooth sailing. This has how it has always been for me as well.
kismetkismet Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I think that it can. I've been wondering this a lot myself lately because my current relationship has been going SO smoothly that I am almost alarmed by it. I always assumed that dating was difficult and complicated and a bit of a strain. I had always found it that way. And I assumed relationships were a lot of work, and was used to relationships that were like 20-30% enjoyable, 70-80% strain and stress and conflict of sorts. I thought that was normal. I can't speak for the overall health/longevity of relationships that start off smoothly because I've only been with my current boyfriend for two months. It's possible this is a 'honey moon period' though I've never had one like this at ALL before (I'm 29 and have had 3 serious LTRs before this, and dated quite a few others). there has been no game playing whatsoever, we've both been very honest about our needs/feelings/personal baggage etc. I had to be open with him about slowing things down a few times because I felt he was moving too quickly in the beginning, but there was no fear associated with it. I was sure I wanted to pursue things and told him as much, i just didn't want to leap in blindly. Even on the first date there was no awkwardness, though there was a bit of nervousness/excitement. I started feeling like i was in love with him on the second date (didn't tell him until he said the same thing 6 weeks later) and he feels like one of my best friends already.. the relationship feels EASY and FUN in a way I had never experienced before. I was never even really that into relationships because i found them to be such a struggle for me emotionally - this is nothing like that. he feels the same way, though there has been a little more anxiety on his end because he was more the pursuer. I think that a large part of the reason that things have gone so smoothly (besides being exceptionally compatible) is that we are in our late 20s, have both had multiple serious relationships, our most recent relationships ended in a healthy way, and we are both very sure and clear about what we want. Not only are we sure of what we want, but we're not ashamed to express what we want, or embarrassed about having particular needs. That eliminates a lot of the game playing that can happen in the beginning I think. There is very little ego play going on. 4
WhirlwindGuy Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I think that it can. I've been wondering this a lot myself lately because my current relationship has been going SO smoothly that I am almost alarmed by it. I always assumed that dating was difficult and complicated and a bit of a strain. I had always found it that way. And I assumed relationships were a lot of work, and was used to relationships that were like 20-30% enjoyable, 70-80% strain and stress and conflict of sorts. I thought that was normal. I can't speak for the overall health/longevity of relationships that start off smoothly because I've only been with my current boyfriend for two months. It's possible this is a 'honey moon period' though I've never had one like this at ALL before (I'm 29 and have had 3 serious LTRs before this, and dated quite a few others). there has been no game playing whatsoever, we've both been very honest about our needs/feelings/personal baggage etc. I had to be open with him about slowing things down a few times because I felt he was moving too quickly in the beginning, but there was no fear associated with it. I was sure I wanted to pursue things and told him as much, i just didn't want to leap in blindly. Even on the first date there was no awkwardness, though there was a bit of nervousness/excitement. I started feeling like i was in love with him on the second date (didn't tell him until he said the same thing 6 weeks later) and he feels like one of my best friends already.. the relationship feels EASY and FUN in a way I had never experienced before. I was never even really that into relationships because i found them to be such a struggle for me emotionally - this is nothing like that. he feels the same way, though there has been a little more anxiety on his end because he was more the pursuer. I think that a large part of the reason that things have gone so smoothly (besides being exceptionally compatible) is that we are in our late 20s, have both had multiple serious relationships, our most recent relationships ended in a healthy way, and we are both very sure and clear about what we want. Not only are we sure of what we want, but we're not ashamed to express what we want, or embarrassed about having particular needs. That eliminates a lot of the game playing that can happen in the beginning I think. There is very little ego play going on. I wish they were all this easy...
kismetkismet Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I wish they were all this easy... Well you only need to find one person that it's that easy with I had plennnnty of bumpy and difficult relationships prior to this. I've been hit, emotionally manipulated, cheated on, stalked etc... as well as just the regular struggles that come with relationships. Those difficult relationships helped me to figure out for sure what I want and what I don't want. I focused a lot on myself throughout my 20s as well, figuring out who I am and what makes me happy - I was single for quite a chunk of it as well. I'm also definitely not counting my chickens before they hatch, we are still very early days. But either way I'm relieved to know that dating doesn't always feel scary or like pulling teeth.
LivingDeadGrl Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 All of my LTR's were always really smooth and easy in the beginning. It didn't get hard until much further into the relationship when people get complacent. Anyone I've talked to or dated recently it hasn't been easy. I've nexted them all and am going to currently next the one I am dating now because I don't think dating should be hard or confusing. Esp if it's with someone who has the right intentions/is interested in you/doesn't flake. 1
lana-banana Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 All of my relationships except my current one were smooth in the beginning; if they weren't, I wouldn't have stuck around. I don't think the smoothness is necessarily a sign of things to come, but it does tell you about people and their ability to cope with problems. There were a number of outside complications when I began dating my current boyfriend. To be honest, at first I was afraid we wouldn't make it, but he dealt with everything so gracefully and with such good humor that I just fell harder. It made me want to be with him even more.
Author oregon0011 Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 I had to be open with him about slowing things down a few times because I felt he was moving too quickly in the beginning, but there was no fear associated with it. What does this mean? "Slowing things down" I mean it has only been two months.. What did you do to slow it down?
basil67 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I was always too open and honest to bother with games. If I liked a guy, then I was available. If I didn't like a guy, I'd end it. If I was in a relationship which is as you describe, I'd end it. Life's too short to bother with someone who messes you about. 3
Redfisher Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I'm only a month deep in this relationship But its smooth as silk so far.... Our age helps 41 & 37. We just feel so normal together its great. We are both divorced and already made our life's mistakes and know what we want. 4
RecentChange Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 My relationship was basically smooth sailing form the get go. Met at a party – really liked him. He asked me out, went on a date two days later. Chemistry, fireworks, great sex… from that point on we saw each other as often as possible (a couple times a week), things, feelings, emotions etc developed really fast ( I think he said “I love you” less than 4 weeks in). Nope, never flaked on a date or anything with him, I wanted to see him SO badly, all the time! I would never flake (but flaked PLENTY on guys I felt lukewarm about) on him. He moved a shortly after for a job, we started an LD thing, seeing each other every, or every other weekend – soon had a “where is this going” talk, both of us agreed we were head over heels and wanted to be together. As soon as I could (6 months to finish college), we moved in together. That was over 14 years ago. We have had a few ups and downs, but the early years (like the first 8?!) nope, no pull backs ever, no wondering if this was right, no second guesses – it was like a freight train that I had no option but to jump aboard! (oh, and we were young, early / mid 20's) 2
kismetkismet Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 What does this mean? "Slowing things down" I mean it has only been two months.. What did you do to slow it down? He wanted to be official/exclusive before I was ready - like on our third date. And he wanted to tell people at work right away whereas i wanted to keep things quiet for a bit so that it didn't become a dramatic thing if things didn't work out (we work together). Didn't want to introduce him to all my friends right away (waited about a month) Wanted some time to myself at the beginning rather than hanging out every day etc. There are lots of ways one can rush things too quickly in two months.
katiegrl Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 "The course of true love never did run smooth" William Shakespeare 1
Redfisher Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 My relationship was basically smooth sailing form the get go. Met at a party – really liked him. He asked me out, went on a date two days later. Chemistry, fireworks, great sex… from that point on we saw each other as often as possible (a couple times a week), things, feelings, emotions etc developed really fast ( I think he said “I love you” less than 4 weeks in). Nope, never flaked on a date or anything with him, I wanted to see him SO badly, all the time! I would never flake (but flaked PLENTY on guys I felt lukewarm about) on him. He moved a shortly after for a job, we started an LD thing, seeing each other every, or every other weekend – soon had a “where is this going” talk, both of us agreed we were head over heels and wanted to be together. As soon as I could (6 months to finish college), we moved in together. That was over 14 years ago. We have had a few ups and downs, but the early years (like the first 8?!) nope, no pull backs ever, no wondering if this was right, no second guesses – it was like a freight train that I had no option but to jump aboard! (oh, and we were young, early / mid 20's) I can't remember if it was you who said you cheated on him? Sorry if i'm thinking of somebody else.
Author oregon0011 Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 He wanted to be official/exclusive before I was ready - like on our third date. And he wanted to tell people at work right away whereas i wanted to keep things quiet for a bit so that it didn't become a dramatic thing if things didn't work out (we work together). Didn't want to introduce him to all my friends right away (waited about a month) Wanted some time to myself at the beginning rather than hanging out every day etc. There are lots of ways one can rush things too quickly in two months. Ok, so for example, at the beginning he wanted to hang out more than you.. Did you say "I am really into you, but let's not hang out as much and take it a little slower?" Or was it more like "I am busy that day, I don't feel that good, something came up " etc..
RecentChange Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I can't remember if it was you who said you cheated on him? Sorry if i'm thinking of somebody else. Yep that's me (maybe I should change my avitar to a scarlet letter ) Ahh, reasons are complicated, but I don't think moving fast in the beginning was one of them. I still love the heck out of him, but he is struggling with some stuff right now (depression low libio -which I didn't realize when I cheated), and I "suffer" (or enjoy depending on your point of view) from an emotion + sex disconnect which made a "sex only" fling easier.
Redfisher Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Yep that's me (maybe I should change my avitar to a scarlet letter ) Ahh, reasons are complicated, but I don't think moving fast in the beginning was one of them. I still love the heck out of him, but he is struggling with some stuff right now (depression low libio -which I didn't realize when I cheated), and I "suffer" (or enjoy depending on your point of view) from an emotion + sex disconnect which made a "sex only" fling easier. Thanks for explaining, I like details..Lets me see the whole picture. I must say your openness about it is refreshing.
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