Is this a control thing?

October 18, 2005

Yeah, it doesn't mean anything. When he's nice he's doing so to alleviate his guilt and make him feel better. Which only ends up pissing you off more. That's what goes on between my exh and I. He recently injured himself pretty badly. I called a couple of times to check on him. I mean, come on, we have two minor children together and we were married 13 years- can I not ask how he is? I do care about him as a person. Everytime I ask him he gets a attitude so as much as I hate it, I won't ask him again.

October 18, 2005

When he's nice he's doing so to alleviate his guilt and make him feel better. Which only ends up pissing you off more.

lol yes this is exactly what happens. He's nice and that pisses me off. Well, pretty much anything he does pisses me off. But I'm noticing that, and am not responding to every little thing he does anymore. If he emails me, and it pisses me off, I either ignore it, or wait a few hours/days b4 I'm not upset anymore. Yesterday was probably the best neutral interaction we've had since this whole thing began. There were a few tense moments, but all in all, I did fairly well.

October 27, 2005

So the ex came over this past monday again. He needed to do some work around the house. I was anticipating it all weekend, but then monday morning totally forgot he was coming over. He actually CALLED me on the phone and told me he'd be over by 12. 12:30 he wasnt, I was hungry, so i left a note on the door saying i'll bbs. When I got back, he was waiting. He came into the house and started doing some work. He needed a few things and instead of asking me politely he just tells me "I need a hammer" or whatnot. The first time I was going to let it slide. The second time I just finished his sentence with a "please" and smiled. He kind of relaxed after that. He's use to ordering people around all day, so he expects me to accept the same treatment. Use to be a problem in the marriage, but I often overlooked it. It helped me realize that he's not as angelic as I made him out to be. It's not that hard to say "Do you have a hammer?" instead of saying "I need a hammer". I wanted to respond "I need a faithful husband jerk face".

I was polite. I offered him food because I was making myself something. He declined, and I was thankful. I didnt really want to ask him, but I'm not rude. If I'm going to eat something, I offer my guests something to eat too. Something HE never learned as a child. There's so many manners I've lost while being with him. Some how, I lost myself and lost my ability to make decisions on my own. I dont know why I did that. I just beleived he knew better than I did. I guess I'm easily manipulated. If someone tells me something, I just believe they know what they are talking about. I'm talking to other people, things that he use to tell me was true, and they're saying that "it's not true. He doesnt know what he's talking about". And so here I am thinking my exh didnt know jack. Then I'm worried here I am taking another persons thoughts as truth. Why can't I figure out the truth on my own?

This time when he was over, I had naughty visions. They've been haunting me for a few days now. I need to get them out of my head. It was, however, the first time I thought to myself what was wrong with HIM to dump me. Yeah, maybe that's concieted, but my self esteem is starting to come back.

Then last night I had a dream. He was over, we were having an argument. I said "Yeah, I'm just the b*tch right?" "You're definitely not a b*tch compared to her". "What?" "Nothing" "No what did you say?" "I didnt say anything" "I want to know what you said. You caused me all this pain. I want to know the truth" "You are certainly not a b*tch compared to her". Then I woke up crying. I hate these "closure" dreams.

October 27, 2005

Yea, the dreams are the worst for me too. You should keep a pad by your bed so you can write them down as soon as you wake up. You remember more.

I know how you feel, it sucks. They just left, no trying to make things right. It makes no sense. Then again, they never did.

Keep posting as needed. You'll get past it, we both will.

Debilou

October 28, 2005

Thanks debilou. Today's been just a really crappy day. I spoke with the ex today and he just lets me know he's going away this weekend. And now my mind is racing. I dont want to know this. He NEVER goes away. Where the hell is he going? With who? Why am I still obsessed over this guy? I deserve better. 8 months and I feel like I've gone back to dday. I've got a massive headache from all the crying I did today... I'm going to sleep... maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

November 6, 2005

Today's our first open house... I hope things go well with the sale.

I asked my exh to come over to do more lawn work. He came over after work yesterday and said he only had an hour. He started raking and since I could tell it would take longer than an hour, I decided to swallow my pride and help. Only a few pleasantries were exchanged, but nothing wow. It felt fairly normal tho. Like how we always communicate with each other. Friendly, we have the same sense of humour, but no sparks flying. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I did ask him to do one thing in the house, and he said "Dont worry, I'll be back a few more times. I can do it then. I have to come back anyways with a truck to pick up my stuff". When the hour was up, I told him, but there was still more work to finish, so he ended up staying another hour. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish I knew how to attract his attention. We've never been one to flirt with each other, so if I did that now, it'd be weird.

November 7, 2005

I wish I knew what he was thinking. I wish I knew how to attract his attention.

Yikes, girl! I know that old habits die hard, but when you get that impluse to attract his attention and flirt, try to remember a few things:

This is the guy who dropped the D-bomb on Valentine's Day;

You later learned there was an OW involved;

He arrogantly offered to teach you to live alone;

etc.. etc...

I'm concerned that you are wasting your emotional energy on him. I want to hear about you trying to attract the attention of other men - anyone but him.

Until your house is sold, you two are business partners. I don't mean to be flippant and say "oh, just get over him" like it's somehow easy, but you're still allowing him - or the idealized image of what you always dreamed him to be - control over you and your emotions. And that will keep you in that agonizing place of "not moving on", and you know, even if you don't really feel it, that this is what you need to do eventually, right?

The question isn't how to attract his attention, but rather how to get over him so you don't feel like you want to any more.

November 8, 2005

i know everything you said is true... for some reason, i dont trust myself. I love him. I want to forgive him. I want him back. I dont know why. I am trying so hard to move on. I wish I could feel nothing towards him. I'm not begging him or talking about relationships with him. I dont even call him for anything but business. But I'm still in denial hoping he'll wake up and realize what a mistake he made. Logically, I know I deserve so much better. But when we're together, I down play all his faults, just like I did in our marriage. I made his treatment towards me ok, not as bad as it seemed. But when I'm apart, i up play all his faults. I'm very angry towards him. I feel like i'm crazy. I dont know what the truth is anymore. I'm just so tired. I try to focus on my life and what I want it to be. Right now I'm in a limbo state and until the house is sold, I'll pretty much be in it. I am making progress, but when I see him, I relapse. Even if he did come back, I'd be an idiot to take him back. How would I explain that to my family and friends? Everyone would be so disappointed in me. They'd be disappointed in me if they could see me now. I wish I could feel nothing towards him. He's just a very likeable person. There was no reason for our divorce. Maybe I just need to feel avenged. I donno. I'm implementing no contact and am looking forward to the day where I can have complete no contact. Maybe then I can move on.

November 8, 2005

Hey dgiirl - no one would be disappointed to see you now. You're a human being with feelings, who loved someone with all your heart, and it's not easy to let go of that - it shouldn't be easy. No one who really cares about you would be disappointed in that. And no one who understands you would sit in any kind of judgement. So go easy on yourself - you're not disappointing material.

I hate limbo, too. I was reading back over some of your earlier posts and you said something like "I just want to fast-forward my life." I'm sure that wouldn't be a good thing (gosh, just think, we might miss out on the numerous benefits of all this pain) but I know that feeling. But considering that at some point, a lot of us have probably wanted to rewind to a "better time", the idea of going forward is probably more healthy.

Your thread here was one of the things that started me thinking about acceptance, and my own feelings about it, which is where my "letting go" thread came from. I wish I could give you something more useful about how to make it happen, but I'm sure it's different for everyone, whether it's fast or slow, whether it gets "triggered" by a big event, or just happens gradually over a long time. I feel like I'm making progress now, but I don't know if I'm going to come around a corner at some point and some other part of it will hit me again... Ahhh, the unknown future.

Maybe the sale of your house will provide a kind of a clean break - emotionally, financially, etc. Once it sells, will that pretty much end the need to have any logistical contact with your XH?

You said "There was no reason for our divorce." I often chuckle bitterly that the only "irreconcilable difference" in our marriage was that I wanted to stay married and my wife didn't. I hate that I still had lots of motivation and potential as a husband, and that it was all rejected, discarded.

But I also believe that all that potential and motivation is still there within me - it didn't die with my wife's rejection. So I'm going to save it up and nourish it and keep it safe until someone else with a big heart and a thoughtful mind comes along. And you too, dgiirl - all of the love that you have to give, everything that you offer, doesn't die or get extinguished. You can save it, and as a matter of fact, you are protecting it by moving on. And some day soon, when the time is right, you'll have it ready to give out again.

Wow, I am just rambling here - I'm really tired and I'm doing more feeling than thinking tonight.

Just remember...

During this whole process, I'm learning more about myself than I have ever learned. I realize I lost myself in this relationship, and now I'm starting to see parts of my "old" self before I knew my ex. It's good. It's empowering. It's healthy.

November 8, 2005

Trimmer, thank you for your post. You snapped me out of my thinking, and I woke up this morning in a much better mood. I get very frustrated with myself sometimes because after all the awful things he's done to me, I know I'd probably forgive him and that scares me. I dont trust myself.

Maybe the sale of your house will provide a kind of a clean break - emotionally, financially, etc. Once it sells, will that pretty much end the need to have any logistical contact with your XH?

Yeah, no reason to contact. The divorce papers are signed. No Alimony. We divided everything in half and the house is the final thing. I'll even be moving out of the city. So there really will be no reason to contact each other. Although I'm sure we'll stumble into each other virtually from time to time, I'm trying to prevent going to the same online communities. It's a clean break!

You said "There was no reason for our divorce." I often chuckle bitterly that the only "irreconcilable difference" in our marriage was that I wanted to stay married and my wife didn't. I hate that I still had lots of motivation and potential as a husband, and that it was all rejected, discarded.

Yeah, same thoughts here. I felt the divorce papers were a lie. I didnt agree to anything.

Just remember...

Eeek, no fair using my own words agaisnt me! lol

Today is a new day, and so far a better day Thanks!

November 8, 2005

I just wanted to jump in here a second and say.........

I think it's not so much missing him and missing what's familar. You get used to a person who knows everything about you and that you know everything about. He was "home" to you. Now, that's gone and you're unsure about how to move on.

It would be easier and safer in your mind for him to come to his senses and want you back. No new relationship to make, no being on your own to have to go through any more.

Makes perfect sense to me but I feel like you;re downplaying his faults- which are easier to gloss over now that the pain is not so fresh. You know you deserved better than he treated you!

November 8, 2005

Mz Pixie, as always you make perfect sense. Maybe I'm repeating the same things I've always done. Scared to be on my own, so I downplay his faults. I live with it so I dont have to face that fear of being alone. Half of me knows I deserve better. I SEE others recieving better than he's ever done, and I want that for myself. The other half I hear his voice telling me I'm too demanding, expecting too much, that the things I'm asking for are superficial. I swing to each side of the extreme in a split second. My emotions are all over the place. The pain is definitely not as fresh as it was, so I have improved, but it's also easier for me to forgive and forget again. I just wish I could stay focused. That when I see him, and he's being nice, and we're laughing, that I can say "No wait, this is the jerk who cheated on me, hurt me, humiliated me, lied to me straight to my face while smiling. He's not a nice person". For so long I've believed that I was the messed up one and that he was the stable one. That I was the one who had issues and needed him. It's very hard for me to realize/accept/remember that he has some serious issues. Why cant it just all sink it?

November 8, 2005

I think that time is going to heal all of this for you.

You will probably always miss the person that you THOUGHT that he was. There are things that I miss about my exhusband and I left him. Things that I look fondly back on......that doesn't mean that I want to be with him because truthfully I do not.

Once you heal and you meet someone and see how fantastic it is to be treated like you should be (and trust me, I know what I'm talking about) you'll be so glad that it's over and that you can find someone who appreciates you.

I mean here I went from a man who actually said, "I am too busy to work on our marriage". to a man who constantly wants to work on our relationship and is like a mini dr. phil or something sometimes! I went from a man who never wanted to be home with me or touch and kiss me except in a sexual way to a man who can't keep his hands off me- sexual or otherwise.

It WILL get better!

November 8, 2005

Thanks Mz. Pixie! I think/hope you are right. Atleast with the limited contact that we have had, things have improved. In time, when he's out completely, I will move on.

November 8, 2005

At least with the limited contact that we have had, things have improved. In time, when he's out completely, I will move on.

dgiirl - one little thing that I sometimes hold on to - even if I'm in great pain and confusion - if I can see that things are getting even a little bit better, it makes it easier to accept the pain and wait it out. If you were just spiraling down to a crash with no hope, that would be different, but it sounds like you have some sense that things are gradually getting better, even through your confusion and difficult emotions. For me, sometimes this has been my lifeline - finding that small, incremental, hopeful bit of progress, and clinging to it to take me through the tough time. It's like I'm swimming in a raging flood and I find a thin piece of rope hanging down to hold on to until the waters eventually subside.

In your case, I hear "no contact = feel better", and I don't think you can underestimate the significance of this little equation. Not only does this give you an indication of what you can do right now to feel better, but it seems a hopeful sign for the future as well, doesn't it?

Half of me knows I deserve better. I SEE others recieving better than he's ever done, and I want that for myself. The other half I hear his voice telling me I'm too demanding, expecting too much, that the things I'm asking for are superficial.

I think it is also significant that the half that is supporting you comes from within you, and the half that is trying to take you down comes from his voice. Trust your voice, trust your heart, and don't let anyone tell you what you don't deserve.

Eeek, no fair using my own words agaisnt me! lol

Yeah, that was manipulative of me, but I thought you could use some good advice.

November 10, 2005

I don't think you can underestimate the significance of this little equation...

Ack, I have to correct myself here, it came out exactly backwards. I meant to say either:

I don't think you should underestimate the significance..., or

I don't think you can overestimate the significance...

How's that, eh? A grammar flame against myself!

dgiirl - I'm glad you're feeling better. I love that feeling of waking up after a bad period and - not to be too Gloria Estefan about it, but - it's like coming into the light. So much calmer and more peaceful than the anguish.

We've got your back...

November 10, 2005

lol trimmer I understood the meaning, and that's all that mattered.

But you were wise when you said i should listen to my own voice instead of his. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt whenever I listen to his voice. But you know, since he left, I've had a lot of good things happen. I've had an amazing support group of friends online and offline, I've had my guy friends tell me I'm attractive, I've received flowers from a guy friend, I've had another guy tell me he loves me in a friendly manner. If ALL my friends can do this when it's just friendship, I know i can get what I want in a real relationship. My exh never wanted to do the simple things, and these are the things that make me feel desired and wanted. If he cant do it, I'll find someone else who can. I shouldnt feel guilty for asking these simple things. I need to listen to my own voice instead of his.

November 14, 2005

Ok, so I was feeling really low and unsure of WHY I miss and love a man who has done such awful things to me and my life. Reading your update makes me know I'm ok.

Everything you said ~ I feel. I would take him back in a heartbeat, but why? Do I believe I deserve to be treated like trash? The jury is out. I guess that's why I'm in counseling.

I want you to know that you're not alone. And maybe I'm a little relieved to know I'm not either.

Debilou

November 14, 2005

Oh, Debilou, it's so hard to get rid of these feelings. Rationally, we know we deserve better. But the stupid emotions get in the way. I think it's going to take a long time before they go away, if they ever will. I think a lot of it has to do with fear that I'll be alone forever, fear that i'll repeat the same mistakes, and the injustice i feel that my exh went out and cheated on me, dismisses it, and never tried to save the marriage. I never felt good enough, and so him coming back would be a way to fool myself into thinking he does think I'm good enough. But he constantly tried to change me, never accepted me for who I was. Why would I want to go back into that relationship? I had anxiety and depression and was on the brink of doing something really bad. I do not want to go back, but I do?!

No contact! No contact! No contact!

Debilou, you're not alone either! And I'm listening to you too

November 18, 2005

So let's see... my exh once again FINDS me on the internet. My friend invited me to sign up on some friendster type website. There's a place for you to see who's viewed your profile. Low and behold, my exh viewed my friends profile, and viewed MINE.

so either he broke up with the tramp and is now looking for new girls where we live and stumbled on top of my profile

or he deliberately did a search for me using one of my spam email accounts.

This is the second time I've found him spying on me. Does he ever mention any of it personally? Nope. Does he ever talk to me about anything? Nope. But here he is, stumbling on top of me once again. I didnt even THINK to search for him.

Hey honey. If you really want to know how/what/who I'm doing, why dont you just ask?

November 18, 2005

If you really want to know how/what/who I'm doing, why dont you just ask?

Uch, my exbf was doing that to me but I ended up hearing about it through others. I was so ticked that I wiped out my profile and blocked him. I completely understand where you're coming from dgiirl

November 19, 2005

Thanks JS I suffer from anxiety, so that doesnt help. But it's frustrating to think he's looking for me since he's the one who simply walked away from the relationship without even trying. He doesnt talk to me about anything, but here he is, finding my profile. I dont get why he would do that.

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