Is this a control thing?

[dgiirl]

I'm not sure if I want him back. I wanted the dream of being happily married with the man I thought he was. If he's still that man, then yes. If not, then no.

 

Ok, now his lawyer's mom is sick in the hospital and might be dying Another week or two before the papers (It's been 2 months of this "in a week"). I'm sick of this, I called my lawyer, and he recommends me filing. So I go in Monday. Basically like you guys said it gives us control. I didnt want the divorce, and I'm the one who's filing. WTF

[loveislost]

Hey dgiirl... wanted to drop you a line and tell you that I'm rooting for you. Here you are helping me cope thru my own roller coaster while you're riding one too. I feel for you. The words of wisdom you shared with me tell me that you're insightful and a very strong person capable of overcoming anything.

 

Raise the roof baby! Yeah, yeah.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by loveislost

Hey dgiirl... wanted to drop you a line and tell you that I'm rooting for you. Here you are helping me cope thru my own roller coaster while you're riding one too. I feel for you. The words of wisdom you shared with me tell me that you're insightful and a very strong person capable of overcoming anything.

 

Raise the roof baby! Yeah, yeah.

 

lol Thank you so much for these kind words of encouragement. It's nice to know that I've been able to help someone. My stbxh has played a really horrible mind game on me making me believe that all I do is inflict pain on people by simply being myself. Those were his exact words. And I started having major insecurity issues, scared to say anything because I'm hurting people. But the more I talk about it, the more my friends are reassuring me that's not true. So it really does help you saying this to me and I appreciate it

 

My stbxh simply didnt say anything about his unhappiness and then just walked out. So if my marital problems can help prevent the same situation from happening in others, then something good came from it. Divorce happens, I can accept that. I just want people to know that communication is extremely important and that things will NOT get better unless you say or do something.

[dgiirl]

So I went in today, but not much was done. I need to go in next week. But my lawyer's going to put a rush on the papers so maybe this week. And it looks like I"m going to be here in this city for a while. Atleast until the house is sold. It makes much more sense in case something goes weird. But I'll see how my emotions can handle it.

 

Do you think actively pursuing a divorce will make the wayward spouse think about if it's a mistake or not? Otherwise, I just sit here in limbo land until he decides to get off his butt and do something. Blah, life sucks

[dgiirl]

I was dreading the moment of going into the lawyers office and actually requesting a divorce. I had terrible mixed emotions about doing so, but somewhere deep down inside my gut, it was telling me it's the right thing to do. So I go into the office, and I find out these papers have to be hand delivered. I thought I could get them sent to his lawyers, but the initial papers cant. They have to have a bailiff deliver them and everything. Damn! I know I could not bear that moment if he was to deliver papers to me. So this is actually good, and I'm happy for actually signing the papers.

[dgiirl]

It's been a while since I posted. My last post was when I signed the initial papers. I was so nervous about doing it, but ended up being happy with the decision. I had huge amounts of anxiety tho, and decided to email my stbxh a heads up. I didnt want to cause him any embarassement at work and I really didnt want to be mean. (All my friends told me they wouldnt have emailed him, and said I missed my chance of being mean lol). Anyways, he emailed me back saying he wanted his junk. I didnt respond to this email, and a few days later he emailed me saying he received the papers and wanted to come get his junk that weekend. I read his second email on a friday night, and that night I had a little emergency in the house. I decided to swallow my pride and call him. This was the first time since he left that his first response on the phone was "How are you?". Normally everytime I called him, that was the first thing I'd ask him. I told him what's up, and he offered to come over that night. When he got over, again he asked me how I was. I stayed calm and cool and a bit distant. Anyways, when he actually came into the house, he acted like an a$$. He was pretty arrogant and it was the first time I actually analyzed my own behaviour around him. Whenever I'm around him I'm petrified of doing anything. I'm at his beck and call and he's arrogant about it. I really didnt recognize the guy and didnt like who he was. All this time I've been dreaming and wanting a guy and I'm not sure he even existed. Atleast it wasnt in the guy I was looking at at the moment. I was "cured". He didnt really know how to fix my problem and basically was a waste of time, but I took the oppurtunity to tell him to take his junk and go. I had already packed up a few of his boxes and told him to take it too. He started looking through the boxes deciding if he should take it or not, and it really started to piss me off. He then told me he'll be back later for his stuff, so he ended up leaving half the stuff he originally requested in the house. It was a good visit, because I was "cured" for a few days. But I eventually relapsed.

 

A few days later, he emailed me. And he actually addressed the email with my name! Hi D! instead of Hey! He's never done that, and as pathetic as I am, I grasped onto it and analyzed all the possible implications it could mean. But thanks to reading LS, I realized that was what I was doing and I'm trying to just let it go and realize it doesnt mean a damn thing. Anyways, in the email, he told me he's keeping the phone in his name (which I asked him to transfer into my name) but cancelled my internet. He emails me to tell me he's cancelled my internet! That really pissed me off for a few days. I had to get my internet connection at home working properly since I am now working from home. He had offered to setup my network, but I decided not to take him up on his offer. I managed to handle the whole thing on my own and as small as it is, I'm proud of myself. And as karma would have it, his internet provider went bankrupt and HE lost internet the following week.

 

Anyways, once I got my internet working, I emailed him thanks. I didnt bitch at him for cancelling my internet, even tho he said he'd keep it active until I got alternate internet working. I also told him I packed up more of his stuff. This time he actually told me he appreciated me packing his stuff, and so here I am analzying what everything means and I know it means jack all. He just wants his stuff and doesnt want me to go ballistic on him. But these are "improvements". He doesnt want to transfer the phone line into my name, he asked to come over to pick up his tea and spices (stuff I dont use), leaves half his junk to be picked up at a later time, then starts addressing emails with my name and finally says he appreciated me doing something for him. On the other hand, when I do see him, he acts like an a$$ and then cancells my internet with no notice. Plus, I have no clue what he's done in response to me filing. Granted my lawyer's been out for this week so maybe he has finally done something towards the divorce after 2+ months of waiting.

[debilou]

Sorry to hear you're in as much emotional turmoil as myself. They have all the power. We gave it to them.

 

I hate it. I hate everything about this crazy world I've been delivered into.

 

I'm reading "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. It's been great to show me alot of the crap I've been trying to fix. It's unfixable from what I can see.

 

The only thing that doesn't make sense is that normally the one being controlled leaves. I'm gonna ask the counselor about that next week.

 

I do the same stuff. No matter how little the gesture I over analyze it and try to understand what's going on. For me I guess my stbxh got tired of me. It hurts, it really hurts.

 

The counselor says I shouldn't date until I get past this relationship. I can't help but think it would certainly take my mind off of the stbxh. This is a long hard road. I have to become what I was meant to be. Wish me luck!

 

Debilou

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by debilou

They have all the power. We gave it to them.

 

You are right about that. But knowing it is half the battle. As long as he doesnt see me in this state, all is good I'm just venting my emotions because they'll drive me crazy if I dont.

 

I'm reading "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans. It's been great to show me alot of the crap I've been trying to fix. It's unfixable from what I can see.

 

The only thing that doesn't make sense is that normally the one being controlled leaves. I'm gonna ask the counselor about that next week.

 

I'd be interested in the answer too. I know I'm controlling. But I'm starting to see that he's been just as controlling if not more than I have. One of my stbxh's friend, now becoming one of mine, thinks my husband is a narcissist. I just happened to stumble accross this this morning and a lot of those traits can be applied to my stbxh.

 

I do the same stuff. No matter how little the gesture I over analyze it and try to understand what's going on. For me I guess my stbxh got tired of me. It hurts, it really hurts.

 

Atleast I know I'm not alone I hate over analyzing this crap. It means nothing. He's not here!

 

The counselor says I shouldn't date until I get past this relationship. I can't help but think it would certainly take my mind off of the stbxh. This is a long hard road. I have to become what I was meant to be. Wish me luck!

 

I'm in the process of reading "Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One" In it it says you should date around but not sleep around. It also says you should be dating 3 guys at once. lol The idea is to get out and meet new people, but dont get involved in a serious relationship. When you have 3 guys and you're not sleeping with any of them, you wont get emotionally connected and if he leaves you wont break your heart again. It's all about building your selfesteem back and realizing you can be attractive to many other men. I think that's one of the things that is helping me. I'm starting to feel attractive again. I have many guy friends and I know if I wanted to have sex, I could. I just choose not too. They are there being supportive and helping me through my emotions. They're also giving me great insight into what's normal relationship problems and what needs to be fixed. There's a lot of things that my stbxh has done to me, and I have a tendancy to blow it out of proportion and get really upset about it. Talking about it to others helps because they'll tell me he was a jerk, or give me a better understanding of why that happen. Friends like that are invaluable.

 

I dont think you should start to date. But I do think you need to start making new friends. We need to get our self-esteem back. We had it when we met our husbands. Somehow we just lost it. It feels good to recoginize my old self. I still have a lot of work, and as you can see, I relapse a lot. But I have my moments where life is good and I know I'm a good person and have worth and people do like me even if my stbxh doesnt.

[amu2005]

Hey dgiirl,

I was wondering how you have been doing? Sounds like you are hanging in there. Well my divorce is final (Tuesday was the big day). It came and went within a matter of minutes. I don't feel any different, but this week has been a very hard week to get through, it is almost over! It just feels so strange to walk into a court room and have your marriage be deemed over within 5 minutes, after spending 7 years with a person (married for 3) and that is it. It is still all too sureal for me.

 

Everyday I get a little stronger, but I still have my moments of relapse. And I expect to have those for a while. I had to attend two weddings over the past few weekends. Boy those were hard. I had to go, b/c they were for two of my best friends. If it was just a family member I probably wouln't have gone. I had to listen to everyone tell me how strong I was and how great I look and how great I've been doing. I know people don't know what to say and they are just trying to be supportive, but I just really didn't want to hear that. I made it through both weddings, with a small breakdown listening to them recite their wedding vows and then another breakdown at the reception. Oh well, I am only human. I just kept having flashbacks of my own wedding and that is what made it really hard.

 

My house is still for sale, so far no offers yet. My ex has most of his stuff out of the house, but still has some crap laying around. When he initially took some stuff when he moved out I put it all downstairs for him. Then I realized I was making it too easy for him. All he had to do was walk in and grab the boxes and stuff I had pilled up for him. I stopped doing that. I want him to have to pack up his own crap. Since then, he hasn't packed anything. Some clothes are still at the house, and nick nack crap, mostly random things. I get tempted to pack them up for him, but resist. When the house does sell, he will have to come and get them.

 

He took the computer the other day. That was the main reason he kept coming back to the house, was to check email and what not. Now that it is gone, I wonder if he will still be coming around. The house is still half his, so he has every right to be there, I can't change the locks. But sometimes it just makes me uncomfortalbe knowing he has been there during the day while I'm at work. Wondering what he is touching and going through. He claims he comes over to see the dogs, which I think is crap. I think he is just nosy and wants to look around the house while I'm not there.

 

Since Tuesday, we have spoken very little. We are only in contact about the dogs and the house. He still feels the need to call a little more frequently than he should. I simply ignore the calls, if it is important he will leave a message. I told him as soon as I hear something about the house, he will be the first to know. But he still insists on asking me twice a day.

 

I just need to keep my distance from him. I do so much better and feel so much better when I don't have to talk to him or see him. Not that he is doing anything to upset me. I just can't be around him, it is too painful. Sometimes I think he just doesn't get that. He doesn't realize how badly he has hurt me. He still just wants to be friends. I simply can't do that. Not now, maybe never. I need to feel good about myself and I can't do that with him around.

 

Well keep me posted on what is going on. Things will eventually get better. I listen to everyone tell me that, which is hard to hear sometimes, but deep down I know they are right. It is hard to just get through the moment sometimes nevermind the day or week.

[dgiirl]

Amu2005!! I've been wondering how you have been doing too! I was hoping things were going well with you since you havent been posting, so i'm sorry that you guys ended up in divorce. Where I live it takes a year before anything's final, but we can make all the arangements before hand. If everything is all in order, it simply passes the judges desk who stamps the papers and it's over. No appearing in court unless things get nasty and we start fighting over crap. I do completely understand what you are feeling about the marriage being over so soon and it feeling sureal. Even tho we're still legally married, I dont feel married anymore. I feel like a single person and am starting to appreciate it for what it offers me. A new start at a new life.

 

 

Originally posted by amu2005

Everyday I get a little stronger, but I still have my moments of relapse. And I expect to have those for a while. I had to attend two weddings over the past few weekends. Boy those were hard. I had to go, b/c they were for two of my best friends. If it was just a family member I probably wouln't have gone. I had to listen to everyone tell me how strong I was and how great I look and how great I've been doing. I know people don't know what to say and they are just trying to be supportive, but I just really didn't want to hear that. I made it through both weddings, with a small breakdown listening to them recite their wedding vows and then another breakdown at the reception. Oh well, I am only human. I just kept having flashbacks of my own wedding and that is what made it really hard.

 

I've had the same things mentioned to me. But I took strength from it. Knowing people understood what I was going through, and said I was strong and doing well, it made me feel better about myself. We both are very strong to keep going on. We're doing the things that need to be done and not coping out of life! We should be proud of that

 

My house is still for sale, so far no offers yet. My ex has most of his stuff out of the house, but still has some crap laying around. When he initially took some stuff when he moved out I put it all downstairs for him. Then I realized I was making it too easy for him. All he had to do was walk in and grab the boxes and stuff I had pilled up for him. I stopped doing that. I want him to have to pack up his own crap. Since then, he hasn't packed anything. Some clothes are still at the house, and nick nack crap, mostly random things. I get tempted to pack them up for him, but resist. When the house does sell, he will have to come and get them.

 

You're right about making things too easy for him. I know I'm doing that by packing his junk up and putting it in the garage. But I'd rather be the one to look through his junk and put it in boxes instead of having him sneak something out of the house. A friend of mine got divorced a few years ago, and he had access to the home and would come in and take stuff without telling her. He'd steal small appliances. I mean, it's only worth $30-$50 dollars. Nothing worth anything to steal and cause more hurt over.

 

And as for the locks, everyone keeps saying it's illegal and stuff. Honestly, I dont care. I changed the locks a week after he left. 1) He had his own residence which I had no access to, 2) He had access to my only place of residence (I had no where to go like he did), 3) I have no clue if he went insane or not and would cause any harm to me. I did tell him I changed the locks and he got upset about it and threaten that he could break into the house if he really wanted to, and then he said he understood why I changed the locks. If it's illegal get the cops down here and complain. I havent refused him any of his stuff, I just dont feel safe him having access to my place where I sleep. When it comes to my safety and what's legal, i'll go with my safety every time!

 

Since Tuesday, we have spoken very little. We are only in contact about the dogs and the house. He still feels the need to call a little more frequently than he should. I simply ignore the calls, if it is important he will leave a message. I told him as soon as I hear something about the house, he will be the first to know. But he still insists on asking me twice a day.

 

Yeah, my stbxh use to IM me at work. I would get really emotional afterwards. I eventually had to tell him to stop IM and to email me if there's something really important. I think you're going to have to take charge and tell him to not call you every day. If he can email you, then it's a little better. You need to distance yourself so you can heal.

 

 

I just need to keep my distance from him. I do so much better and feel so much better when I don't have to talk to him or see him. Not that he is doing anything to upset me. I just can't be around him, it is too painful. Sometimes I think he just doesn't get that. He doesn't realize how badly he has hurt me. He still just wants to be friends. I simply can't do that. Not now, maybe never. I need to feel good about myself and I can't do that with him around.

 

lol, I swear I said that verbatim a few months ago. Keep your distance and you will heal!

 

Well keep me posted on what is going on. Things will eventually get better. I listen to everyone tell me that, which is hard to hear sometimes, but deep down I know they are right. It is hard to just get through the moment sometimes nevermind the day or week.

 

Yeah, i know what you mean. It's just the rollercoaster of emotions. I just want off. But looking back, I do see progress in myself. I am feeling better about myself and I know things will be better then they ever were. It just takes time.

 

Good luck, and thanks for keeping me updated!

[amu2005]

I'm almost glad that things are over now. I don't think I could have dragged this out for another 6 months to a year. I knew it was over when he was not willing to get help. He made to effort what so ever. I knew at that point there was nothing I could do. I can't keep my life on hold for him, and he didn't want me to.

 

The court hearing was so short, 5 minutes max. We agreed upon everything and already had our paperwork submitted to the court. I just want to put this all behind me. I know it is not that simple, but now this step is done. The next step is to sell the house, and then so on. I just feel like the sooner I can get to the next step, the closer I will be to getting my life back on track.

 

I have come to realize a lot about myself during these past few months and about our marriage. Things that I just never saw before or didn't want to see. I honestly don't know how I could have been happy living like that. I took so much emotional abuse and didn't even realize it. I know I am better off without him. It just feels like a piece of me has died, which I guess it has. I know only time can heal and help me move on. Still right now it is just hard, he was such a part of my life. But I have been living the past 4 months without him, so I know I can continue on.

 

When we left court, he had tears in his eyes and said he was sorry. This made me mad....he has no right to cry. He was the one that wanted all this. I know somewhere deep down in him, he still loves me, just not in the same way. It is strange to think you know someone inside and out and then come to find out they become a completely different person than you thought.

 

I gave him a hug before we got into our cars and I said, "I'll always love you", I can live without you, but I'll always love you. This is just something that I had to say for myself. I don't know what that meant to him, he really had no reply except I'm sorry. I felt like saying sorry for what???? Sorry that you don't even know what you want out of life. I know I can't speak for him or pretend to know what he is thinking, but I just feel like he doesn't even know what he wants anymore. But just puts on this big front.

 

How is the book you are reading? Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One, I was going to order that last week and still have not purchesed it. Is it any good? The only book I've read so far is To Begin Again : The Journey Toward Comfort, Strength, and Faith in Difficult Times. It was good and helped me to get through some tough days.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by amu2005

I have come to realize a lot about myself during these past few months and about our marriage. Things that I just never saw before or didn't want to see. I honestly don't know how I could have been happy living like that. I took so much emotional abuse and didn't even realize it. I know I am better off without him. It just feels like a piece of me has died, which I guess it has. I know only time can heal and help me move on. Still right now it is just hard, he was such a part of my life. But I have been living the past 4 months without him, so I know I can continue on.

 

Everything makes so much more sense in hindsight. I wish I could have seen what was going on. I really dont know how I didnt see the problems. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I just couldnt figure it out. All I can hope for is I'll learn from this experience. When something is wrong with me, I need to get help. If I'm not happy, then I need to get help.

 

When we left court, he had tears in his eyes and said he was sorry. This made me mad....he has no right to cry. He was the one that wanted all this. I know somewhere deep down in him, he still loves me, just not in the same way. It is strange to think you know someone inside and out and then come to find out they become a completely different person than you thought.

 

Of course he's sorry. He's mad at himself for not doing anything to save the marriage. He doesnt want to feel the guilt anymore and so he says sorry. All you can strive to do right now is wish him luck and move on. If he wants you back, he'll have to fight for you. In the meantime, you continue with your life and make yourself a better person because of this experience.

 

How is the book you are reading? Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One, I was going to order that last week and still have not purchesed it. Is it any good? The only book I've read so far is To Begin Again : The Journey Toward Comfort, Strength, and Faith in Difficult Times. It was good and helped me to get through some tough days.

 

The book is ok. A lot of it is about forgiveness and moving on. I borrowed it from the library. I dont think i would have bought it. But I'm only half way through (i'm a slow reader lol)

[dgiirl]

*sigh* 4 weeks since I signed the initial papers and I've yet to hear anything. I was away for this week, and I just got back, but I would have assumed my lawyer would have left a message on the answering machine if something had happened. Nothing, na da, zilch.

 

I forgot to ask my lawyer, but what happens if my stbxh doesnt respond to the papers? By the way things are playing out, i'm the one who's going to have to chase my stbxh for a divorce. I'm soooo confused. They say that most divorces are filed by women. That might be the case, but it doesnt mean they were the one's to ask for it or the ones to break their vows. It might just mean their stbxh were lazy a$$ and just abandoned their wives leaving them little choice for anything else.

 

Maybe I've made things too easy for my stbxh? I didnt go pscyho on him, I let him go, and I've even packed up a lot of his stuff. I've made things really easy for him and now he has no incentive to make progress on the divorce? He's got his gf, a new appartment, and me sitting in the house waiting for a divorce so I can move on with my life. Monday morning I'll call my lawyer.

 

Anyone have any insight to what is going on?

[CurlyIam]

Hum... if you want something you need to go and get it yourself.

 

Call your lawer and see what's going on - maybe his secretary forgot to post them. If he did send them, pick up the phone and tell your sweet little hubby that you're on your way to picking the divorce papers signed. That might seem a little rash, but who cares what he's thinking anyway .You need to finish with this episode or else you'll be stuck in here undefinately. And the longer it takes, the more painful it is and the more time it takes you to move on.

 

The sooner you do it, the better you'll feel about it. Have lots of courage and don't get intimidated!!

 

Good luck,

 

Curly

[dgiirl]

Curly, thanks again I know you are right. I know my stbxh received the papers because he emailed me saying he did, and he was going to see his lawyer the following monday to draw up a separation agreement. Same old story again with the stbxh. "I'm seeing my lawyer next week and she'll draw up some papers" 3 months almost every week him saying this bs. I would have fired my lawyer by now.

 

I'm just so frustrated. Why the hell would someone tell their wife they want a divorce and then sit on their a$$ for 5 months not doing a damn thing towards it. He's the one who decided this, so in theory, he should have a head start on the emotions and know what he wants. To me, it's as if he's stalling for some reason. Either that or he's a lot more selfish than I ever dreamed he was. Maybe I should just sit on my a$$ and not do anything. I've been offered 2 jobs from people who I use to work with and I havent even been looking for a new job. I've turned them down because I dont want to stay in this city. I dont want any commitments to this city. I want to go back home but I cant do that until the house is sold. And the house isnt even up for sale yet! I'm going to have to do everything. F* it, I need a vacation!

[CurlyIam]

I hear you, girl. Sucks big time, he made such a mess and he's not even making the effort to clean it up. I have no explination for his extremely stupid behaviour, but I do know that you need to talk to him in terms of dead line.

 

Dead line: "I want the D papers signed by Tuesday. I want the cell phone of your lawyer and I will be contacting her too telling her that".

 

"I shall sign the rest of the paperwork by Friday and after that, I don't want you or your lawyer to come knocking at my door with one sheet of paper 'cause I won't be answering the door. Everything will be finished by Friday."

 

Is the house yours or is it his also? Tell him you'll be putting it on sale in one week and stick to this dead line. If it's only yours, the minute you've finished with the D papers and you're a single woman again, change your cell phone and your fix phone.

 

It's not like he's gonna contact you or anything, but you'll feel as if you've left everything behind. As if you're about to start a new stage in your life. Go NC for an undefinete periode of time.

 

 

 

The question, dgiirl, isn't "why is he stalling the divorce", but "why isn't he moving in one clear direction and stick to it?". If he's got a new girl, he should get the D asap. If he regrets his mistake, he should have the courage to come knocking at your door and at least acknoledge that. HE's not doing either. Makes me think of "I'm not that into you." Well, you desive someone who knows what he wants out of yourself and out of life. Jeez, he's past 25, he's not a teenager anymore, to simply go with the flow.

 

 

Gosh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's so much harder when you have to make out what he means and not know for real, how the deal is.

 

 

dgiirl, he obviously doesn't care about the hardship he's causing you by stalling. Or worse, he could secretely be enjoying it, because if you're in this state it's because of him, it's his way of still lingering in your life and he knows that he's the one hurting you.

 

 

Maybe one day he'll have the balls to have a heart to hert talk and be honest with you about what happened. 'Till then, do the only thing you can do that's good to you: gather all your strength to move on.

 

We're here for you, girl. Have faith and keep posting.

 

Curly

 

P.S. Rethink moving back home if you've the chance of a better career where you are. Think of yourself, of what's best for you first and foremost.

[dgiirl]

Thanks Curly,

 

I forgot to post after I read your thread. You are absolutely right in everything you've posted. I just dont have the strength to start following deadlines. Not yet atleast.

 

Shortly after my last post, my stbxh came over to pick up more of his junk. I packed it all and put it out in the garage. I didnt want him walking throughout my house again ordering me around like last time. He rang the doorbell, i told him to go to the garage, and he took everything. He was also upset that I had filed for a divorce. His lawyer told him it's like I "sued" him. I talked to my lawyer and he said that was a funny way of putting it. Technically, I sued him. But I sued him for my half of the money. So when my stbxh came over, I told him that. I told him his lawyer is agressive if he's using terms like sueing, and I didnt appreciate it. I told him "I'm doing my best to keep things amicable but you've done nothing for 3 months". He went back into the "It's not my fault, it's my lawyer" blah blah blah "But hopefully this week I'll have the papers". I told him "You've said that every week for 3 months now". "I know, I dont know if my lawyer is lying or what, but I'm starting to get pissed" lol WTF??? Then he thanks me saying he's happy I filed because it put the fire under his lawyer. One minute he's upset that i'm sueing him, next he's thanking me. Then he proceeds to tell me about the visit from the bailif and how cool it was lol. This huge ass guy asks for my husband and then points at the paper to sign for. Yes, I appreciated the story, but I think my stbxh is nutz to share it with me. Anyways, we ended the conversation with him saying "Next week with the papers", and I told him just keep me informed what's going on. So he emailed me saying he's lawyer has finally drew up the papers, and should be sending them to my lawyer soon. His email was last tuesday, and so I wait. He's also said he's ready to sell the house and wants to go to our agent who sold us the house. I'm waiting this week to see the papers and if I dont have them, I'll call the agent myself next week. Right now I'm cleaning up the house so it can be viewed.

[dgiirl]

Speak of the devil and it happens. My lawyer just called me with the draft. Half of me feels horrible, the other half has just given up hope.

[dgiirl]

K, my stbxh is playing tricks again. I was hoping this draft would have everything stated clearly about dividing the assets. It's a very simple case, add everything, divide by two. This draft was a joke and my stbxh thinks that less than 50/50 is fair. I cant believe he has the nerve to offer what he did. The draft had absolutely nothing stated in it except for a few DVD collections and I get to have possession of the cat. A cat I had before I even met my stbxh. This whole process is driving me nuts and I'm ready to just sit on my butt for a whole year and not do a damn thing towards this divorce. Let it go to court.

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by dgiirl

K, my stbxh is playing tricks again. I was hoping this draft would have everything stated clearly about dividing the assets. It's a very simple case, add everything, divide by two. This draft was a joke and my stbxh thinks that less than 50/50 is fair. I cant believe he has the nerve to offer what he did. The draft had absolutely nothing stated in it except for a few DVD collections and I get to have possession of the cat. A cat I had before I even met my stbxh. This whole process is driving me nuts and I'm ready to just sit on my butt for a whole year and not do a damn thing towards this divorce. Let it go to court.

 

you'll get thru it fine.. It's never easy and everybodys emotions are raw.

 

The draft is just that a draft.. it has to be accepted by both sides and your just feeling like your hands are tied because he is trying to pull your strings.

 

Fair doesn't always have to fall on the 50/50 mark although most of the time it does.

 

Chin up .. the end is near and then your healing starts

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

The draft is just that a draft.. it has to be accepted by both sides and your just feeling like your hands are tied because he is trying to pull your strings.

 

I'm upset because when he left he tried pulling this and told me what he was offering was fair. He was allowing me to keep all the money I earned from my job. He seemed to think that because he kept seperate bank accounts from me that I'm not entitled to any of his money. He has a lot more money in his bank account than I did.

 

Fair doesn't always have to fall on the 50/50 mark although most of the time it does.

 

There's no child support (no kids), and no spousal support. All I want is all the assets divided into two. It makes me sick that he thinks that because he has more money in his account that i'm not entitled to it. He was the one who had full control over all the bank accounts, he did all the financing, i even helped him with his career and now I'm greedy because I want 50/50. I believed we were working together building a nest egg for our future. I never once thought about his money, and my money. It was always our money.

[dgiirl]

Well, after a little struggle, my stbxh have finally come to an agreement. He tried every trick in the trade to give me less than half, but I fought him and he eventually agreed to what i was asking for. He got his lawyer to draw up the draft and I finally received it and looked at it today.

 

I'm in tears. I'm sad. I read this thing and it has all the legal jargon that says both parties agree to this and to that, and I feel like it's one big fat lie. The thing that hits the hardest is the following:

 

"Whereas there has been a break down of the marriage and as a result of marital difficulties the Parties have been living separate and apart since Februrary 15, 2005 and have no intention of resuming cohabitation".

 

And the last part hits so hard in the face. He has NO intention of resuming cohabitation. He simply gets to walk away from an 8 year marriage without even trying.

 

I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm even having a few panic attacks.

 

I dont want to sign this thing, but I have no choice.

[Mz. Pixie]

Hugs, girlie, I'm thinking about you.......

[dgiirl]

Thanks Mz Pixie! I still remember our first conversations and I remember it fondly. I appreciate the advice and feedback you gave to me back then.

 

Just gotta keep moving forward.

[dgiirl]

So everythings been signed, everything's been paid. The divorce is going through.

 

The stbxh calls me last week and asks how we want to proceed on putting the house up for sale. I told him to call the agent and ask her. He asks me if we should tell her we're getting a divorce or not (she was our agent who sold us the house). I told him "Why would she care? Why would it come up? She probably already knows and I'm not going to lie". "Yeah, i agree".

 

Then I told him I wanted him to come over and do the yard work because I was tired of doing everything around the house and if he wants the house sold, it's only fair he does his part. In which he responds saying he was reluctant to offer because he didnt want to bother me, but he doesnt mind coming over. It has nothing to do with being fair, he enjoys it.

 

blah blah blah

 

Finally, he came over yesterday and did some work around the house. I was as nice as I possibly could be. He was a little bratty here and there, but I just let it slide off my back. I mentioned how I had cleaned the basement, and he accidentally let it slip that he saw the pictures on my website. I stopped for a second, not sure what to say, then said "So you've been spying on me?", "It's a public website", "So I guess you've seen my pictures of my cooking?... I'm quite proud of myself", "Yeah, some of it actually looks pretty good".

 

I dont know what to think about this. Half of me wants to make the whole website password protected. The other half wants me to start putting up photos of me and a guy just to see his reaction. And all of me realizes it means not a damn thing.