LDR - He Couldn't Commit - Now He's Rebounding with another LDR?

November 19, 2015

I met a man, it was always LDR but he was supposedly going to move to my city for work. It was amazing – we clicked instantly and things were getting serious. We were together about 6 months – took trips together, never fought, met friends, roommates, etc. Well, he ended things abruptly because he said he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship at this point in his life – things felt very serious with us (and his exes recently got engaged) and he was wondering if he was ready for that right now. He also said the distance was so hard and he was worried that if we continued things – and he found out he was never going to move here, it would just be worse. He said it was timing and he wished things could be different but he felt too guilty dragging me around while his life was a mess. He seemed very upset during all this and we both kept saying we wanted to be together. We’ve both done LDR’s in the past though and it didn’t workout – so I think we both understood that too and valued each other too much. I let him go – but was also under the impression that when/if he moved here, we would rekindle things.

Well, I did NC for 6 weeks – and I ended up hearing from him when he was in town recently – we chatted briefly (over IM) and he said he still didn’t know about his moving situation but that it was looking more likely (this has always been the same story though – it’s been going on for a year and one of the reasons he felt his life was a mess). I asked if he wanted to meet up and catch up, he said maybe but we never followed through. I figured it was because nothing had changed and why bring up that pain? From his perspective, he is a man and he made a decision and he has to stick with it. I didn’t want to chase him knowing how stressed his life has been and wanted him to come to me.

Well – he keeps liking items on my FB – I’m very careful about not liking or engaging too much on his (I think I liked ONE post after NC- I’m trying to respect his space) – and then all of a sudden, he restricts my access, the same week he reached out to say ‘hi’. It was so weird – there’s something he clearly doesn’t want me to see. So I looked and can see a woman who lives in my city and who I thought was just a friend had posted a selfie of them together – and thought “well that’s probably why he restricted my access, he doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea". Keep in mind, he still likes my posts even after restricting.

Fast forward 2 weeks later, now 10 weeks after breakup, I do some exploring and I can see the girl I thought was a friend that also lives in my City is in his hometown, and they are on a vacation trip together out there exploring! Not only that, but she posted a picture of them in a park together a WEEK AFTER WE BROKE UP. WTF. I thought they were just friends but this SHATTERS me. This is the same vacation that he and I talked about taking a WEEK BEFORE he ended things – I figured it was the catalyst of him not being ready for something serious and wanted to give him space, so why is it WEEKS LATER he’s out there with someone new? And not just that, someone who LIVES IN MY CITY SO IT’S STILL LONG DISTANCE. Nothing against this girl but she doesn’t even seem like his type! I know they couldn’t have really been seeing each other when he was with me cause we were together 24/7 when he was in my town – and I can see that DAYS after we broke up, she was all over his social media – so they knew each other beforehand (likely through a sporting league) but she pounced when things ended and they could’ve been dating either a week or 3 weeks after we broke up. It’s SO fast.

I am so hurt and devastated. He ended things because he said the distance was too hard and his life was a mess and he wasn’t ready for something serious. So, my question is, was he lying? Is this a rebound? Was he already out the door with this girl and using everything else an excuse with me? What do I do?? I loved him and I really thought he loved me, nothing matches up with what he said and how he reacted during our whole relationship to THIS. He may move here after all – when I’m not sure – but if it’s likely and he always said I’d be the light at the end of the tunnel (even as we were breaking up) – why is he now investing in her & not me? Is he just confused? Was it me? Is there any chance he’s trying to fill the void and will return to me or have I been replaced?? This hurts a lot because I’ve been cheated on before and it feels like a betrayal.

I dont know what to do. Part of me wants to ask him and part of me wants to wait it out and see if this will clear things up for him and have him come back. I'm HOPING when he ended things with me, it surprised him how much it hurt and this girl was there and made him feel better and it's a way to fill a void. I don't know how he can be taking her around on this trip when he said he wanted me to be there - how can he not be thinking of me? Is there any chance this will help me get him back as he'll be thinking of me the whole time or am I not a thought at all? Please help.

November 19, 2015

I met a man, it was always LDR but he was supposedly going to move to my city for work. It was amazing – we clicked instantly and things were getting serious. We were together about 6 months – took trips together, never fought, met friends, roommates, etc. Well, he ended things abruptly because he said he wasn’t sure he was ready for a relationship at this point in his life – things felt very serious with us (and his exes recently got engaged) and he was wondering if he was ready for that right now. He also said the distance was so hard and he was worried that if we continued things – and he found out he was never going to move here, it would just be worse. He said it was timing and he wished things could be different but he felt too guilty dragging me around while his life was a mess. He seemed very upset during all this and we both kept saying we wanted to be together. We’ve both done LDR’s in the past though and it didn’t workout – so I think we both understood that too and valued each other too much. I let him go – but was also under the impression that when/if he moved here, we would rekindle things.

Well, I did NC for 6 weeks – and I ended up hearing from him when he was in town recently – we chatted briefly (over IM) and he said he still didn’t know about his moving situation but that it was looking more likely (this has always been the same story though – it’s been going on for a year and one of the reasons he felt his life was a mess). I asked if he wanted to meet up and catch up, he said maybe but we never followed through. I figured it was because nothing had changed and why bring up that pain? From his perspective, he is a man and he made a decision and he has to stick with it. I didn’t want to chase him knowing how stressed his life has been and wanted him to come to me.

Well – he keeps liking items on my FB – I’m very careful about not liking or engaging too much on his (I think I liked ONE post after NC- I’m trying to respect his space) – and then all of a sudden, he restricts my access, the same week he reached out to say ‘hi’. It was so weird – there’s something he clearly doesn’t want me to see. So I looked and can see a woman who lives in my city and who I thought was just a friend had posted a selfie of them together – and thought “well that’s probably why he restricted my access, he doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea". Keep in mind, he still likes my posts even after restricting.

Fast forward 2 weeks later, now 10 weeks after breakup, I do some exploring and I can see the girl I thought was a friend that also lives in my City is in his hometown, and they are on a vacation trip together out there exploring! Not only that, but she posted a picture of them in a park together a WEEK AFTER WE BROKE UP. WTF. I thought they were just friends but this SHATTERS me. This is the same vacation that he and I talked about taking a WEEK BEFORE he ended things – I figured it was the catalyst of him not being ready for something serious and wanted to give him space, so why is it WEEKS LATER he’s out there with someone new? And not just that, someone who LIVES IN MY CITY SO IT’S STILL LONG DISTANCE. Nothing against this girl but she doesn’t even seem like his type! I know they couldn’t have really been seeing each other when he was with me cause we were together 24/7 when he was in my town – and I can see that DAYS after we broke up, she was all over his social media – so they knew each other beforehand (likely through a sporting league) but she pounced when things ended and they could’ve been dating either a week or 3 weeks after we broke up. It’s SO fast.

I am so hurt and devastated. He ended things because he said the distance was too hard and his life was a mess and he wasn’t ready for something serious. So, my question is, was he lying? Is this a rebound? Was he already out the door with this girl and using everything else an excuse with me? What do I do?? I loved him and I really thought he loved me, nothing matches up with what he said and how he reacted during our whole relationship to THIS. He may move here after all – when I’m not sure – but if it’s likely and he always said I’d be the light at the end of the tunnel (even as we were breaking up) – why is he now investing in her & not me? Is he just confused? Was it me? Is there any chance he’s trying to fill the void and will return to me or have I been replaced?? This hurts a lot because I’ve been cheated on before and it feels like a betrayal.

I dont know what to do. Part of me wants to ask him and part of me wants to wait it out and see if this will clear things up for him and have him come back. I'm HOPING when he ended things with me, it surprised him how much it hurt and this girl was there and made him feel better and it's a way to fill a void. I don't know how he can be taking her around on this trip when he said he wanted me to be there - how can he not be thinking of me? Is there any chance this will help me get him back as he'll be thinking of me the whole time or am I not a thought at all? Please help.

Going through the same thing! They're not datunh , they're just hanging out. He gas issues with being in a relationship so him hanging out with her is just fun stress free emotion free relationship free hanging out which make him feel comfortable!

November 19, 2015

You mean in your case or in mine? I don't think in my case they are just 'hanging out'. He lives in another country and she is there, was in his home town and now they're traveling throughout Europe. What male/female friendship does this? And he restricted his FB from me? If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's a duck. I'd love it if they were just friends and she just happened to be there - but it's obvious. She keeps tagging him in all these pictures - and was all over his social media like, the week we broke up. She's clearly into him and if he's so slow to commit - why is he allowing this?

I don't understand what she has that I don't. If he needed to figure out his life & couldn't be in a relationship - I don't know how he could be seemingly doing the same thing with her that he couldn't seem to do with me or 'anyone'.

All I can hope is - he broke up with me out of fear, and is having a harder time then he thought and is rebounding and will realize she's not me and come back. I know how that sounds, lol but it's how my heart feels. What do I do in the meantime? Do I ask him what gives? Do I delete him off all social media (and likely never hear from him again) or do I just do nothing and wait? I know if they love you they'll come back and there's nothing you can do to change that. But geesh.

November 20, 2015

Be glad it's her and not you. You get to move on now, find a local man, while she hugs her small screen and gets the boot later.

Disappear from his social media and live in the moment. What has really changed, other than you don't talk to him anymore? You didn't come home to him, didn't share a bed curled up together most nights, and you didn't wake up to see his face. You didn't eat your meals with him, and you didn't go out and have fun together... except on special occasions, meaning your day to day hasn't changed much.

Ditch that ****, and live the life in front of you, not the one behind you.

November 20, 2015

Yea, you're right. It's just hard. I know it was LDR but I miss the communication and he was here frequently so I miss that. He said, even as we were breaking up, that the time together is just incredible and like time stops. I think he was overthinking things when he was talking about the stress of his work and the LDR. he had done an LDR in the past and it was such a disaster and he always said he didn't want to do that again.

I thought he needed space - so taking her on the trip that we were going to take together - isn't 'space'. Unless he just wanted a girl there and she's making it easy. If I had gone, it would've been part of a serious relationship and with her, he doesn't have to worry about that.

I do want to call him out on it, not to get some kind of result or have him come back - but to let him know I KNOW.

He's pulled this before - the last girl he dated before me they were together for a few months and then he ended it cause he couldn't be in a relationship. That should've been my warning sign but - like he told me, he felt differently about me. He even said 'this time it really is because my move and life is a mess, but I feel so strongly for you'. I didn't think he was lying. i think he's a mess, he's all over the place and if he did it to me, he'll do it to her too.

He also has a history of going back to exes, so a part of me hopes he'll realize how much he misses me and over thought stuff and come back. He was always sooooo slow to enter into relationships - and he likes his space, so this girl being there 24/7 for a solid 2 weeks, RIGHT after our breakup - I have to think he's gonna feel suffocated - or bond with her. I dunno.

Sigh. Men. I know I deserve not to feel like this, that's for sure.

November 24, 2015

Yea, you're right. It's just hard. I know it was LDR but I miss the communication and he was here frequently so I miss that. He said, even as we were breaking up, that the time together is just incredible and like time stops. I think he was overthinking things when he was talking about the stress of his work and the LDR. he had done an LDR in the past and it was such a disaster and he always said he didn't want to do that again.

I thought he needed space - so taking her on the trip that we were going to take together - isn't 'space'. Unless he just wanted a girl there and she's making it easy. If I had gone, it would've been part of a serious relationship and with her, he doesn't have to worry about that.

I do want to call him out on it, not to get some kind of result or have him come back - but to let him know I KNOW.

He's pulled this before - the last girl he dated before me they were together for a few months and then he ended it cause he couldn't be in a relationship. That should've been my warning sign but - like he told me, he felt differently about me. He even said 'this time it really is because my move and life is a mess, but I feel so strongly for you'. I didn't think he was lying. i think he's a mess, he's all over the place and if he did it to me, he'll do it to her too.

He also has a history of going back to exes, so a part of me hopes he'll realize how much he misses me and over thought stuff and come back. He was always sooooo slow to enter into relationships - and he likes his space, so this girl being there 24/7 for a solid 2 weeks, RIGHT after our breakup - I have to think he's gonna feel suffocated - or bond with her. I dunno.

Sigh. Men. I know I deserve not to feel like this, that's for sure.

You would take him back knowing this? Do you really want to be with someone who has a history of being flaky, wishy-washy, and dishonest? Surely, you can do better. Consider this a blessing in disguise that you didn't waste years with this guy and become even more invested. This is his pattern. He did it before you, he did it with you, and he will do it after you. Move on.

November 24, 2015

LDR are not real real RS. People who choose LDR have issues with investing emotionally - are unavailable emotionally. He's respecting his pattern like a clock.

The real question is: is this all you can do?

Stop settling for LDR and try to have a real RS with someone close by whom you can see everyday if you feel like. Intimacy starts with closeness.

cheers

November 24, 2015

He met this girl and wanted to be with her so he lied to you to be with her. Sorry you are hurt. Stop spying on them because it will keep you in pain, don't plan on seeing him again because he isn't emotionally invested in you. Stay NC move forward and heal.

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LDR - He Couldn't Commit - Now He's Rebounding with another LDR?

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