I (28M) am struggling with frustration in my relationship with my SO's (26F), and I t

[rars]

Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for 8 months, I've known her for 10 months total. Of that time, we have been in a long distance relationship (midway across the US) for the last 3 months. I feel like we are not having a real relationship, one where we are free to do the things that we wish , when we wish to, and I feel it is detracting from the quality of our relationship. Let me explain.

 

Prior to our long distance, my girlfriend was living in her mother's home, finishing college. She was living a rather sheltered lifestyle, and what her mother says goes (father is out of the picture). Prior to starting our long distance relationship, her mother bought two new dogs, and my girlfriend, just having finished her degree, had time off before she moved. The mother expected her to be waking up early, taking care of the dogs all day, and then taking care of the dogs during the evening, essentially making it impossible to have any plans for an entire evening. This went on for 2 weeks before she left, and it was very frustrating. I briefly tried to talk to her about it, but never pushed it too hard.

 

Prior to that, she would be able to come over, but I realized she probably had a curfew. She was never able to stay overnight ever, even though she expresses that she wishes she could.

 

Now, she is coming home for Thanksgiving, and I haven't seen her for nearly 2 months. She tells me that this morning her mother called her, telling her that she is going to be on full dog duty the week she is here, walking the dog early in the morning, and taking care of the dogs at night etc.

 

I'm just frustrated. I mean, it feels as if her mom is doing this to keep her from going out at all. I mean, I am happy to spend time at her mom's house, I am, but I don't want to spend our entire week there.

I just get frustrated, because I wish that our relationship could be free, where we can go hang out, enjoy doing things outside, without her mother's dog schedule dictate when I can see my girlfriend and under what conditions. I mean, we are 26 and 28, we aren't high schoolers!

 

We did end up taking a 3 day trip together right before she left, took some getting permission for her to be able to go on that trip. So, I feel frustrated. I'm frustrated because we don't have that much time together, and we won't be able to do what we want to do. Second, I'm frustrated because she doesn't put up any opposition to her mother, who I think is being particularily overbearing, and just goes along with it. I am feeling bossed around in our relationship by her mother, and I am tired of it.

 

So, am I being unreasonable here? I think I should talk to her about it. She flies in on Friday, and I'll be picking her up. What should I do?

 

tl;dr: Long distance relationship is strained because of mother's house rules when girlfriend returns home, and she isn't sticking up to her mother.

[rars]

If you stay with her - you will know to expect this dynamics to continue with her mother forever.

 

26 years old should be capable of telling her Mom no.

 

Since she's not, if you don't like it, stop dating her.

 

She may be capable, but she doesn't try, she just submits to what her mom wants, and doesn't ever push any boundaries.

 

I want her to work something out, but at the same time, I want her to do it on her own accord, not mine. I guess I need to talk to her about it.

[GunslingerRoland]

Sounds like an excuse (and a poor one).

 

 

#1) A dog is not a young child, it can be left at home for hours at a time.

#2) She can bring the dog with her over to your place, you guys can go to a dog park together... etc, etc.

 

 

Either the girl doesn't want to see much of you, or her parents don't want her to see you and she doesn't care enough to fight it.

[Maggie4]

She doesn't live with her mother and the dogs anymore. Her own home is at long distance, right? She is visiting her mother for Thanksgiving, and since you happen to be around, she'll see you too. So her Thanksgiving visit is a bonus for you. If her mother didn't live in the same town as you, you would have had to travel to see her.