Long term relationship went poof. What went wrong and are my standards too high?

November 19, 2015

Basically I dated a girl who was head over heels for me for about 7 months. I'd say the amount of time we spent together and the trips we went on together made it more like a year long relationship, plus we knew each other before we dated. We were planning out long term things, mostly by HER choice (she was always the one bringing up long term plans in other words), she had made all of our plans for thanksgiving, winter break vacation, and beyond etc.

She was thinking of moving when we started dating, then said she might stay in this city for me, then said she would move but demanded we do long distance. Then two months ago she just flipped a switch and said she couldn't invest more emotions. She asked me how I felt. I said I loved her and that I supported whatever she wanted, but obviously thought we could work it out. She never showed any desire for me after that and we are completely broken up now.

So, she was chasing me the entire relationship up until she asked how I felt when she was "confused" about her decision, and once she got an affirmative that I'm very into her, she bailed.

I suggested we keep it together until she moves and see what happens then. She agreed for one day, then the next day said "I have lost all attraction to you, I don't know how, I'm sorry." She has not contacted me since. I thought I was pretty alpha, but this was a slap in the face and I'm left very bitter after showing this girl a great time and thinking she idolized me. To make it worse, everyone who knew us as a couple keeps saying "oh she'll change her mind, there's no way she's walking away on you like that." But she is. She has been straight ICE since she made up her mind. Thinking about her excitement for the holidays we had planned versus how she is behaving now is absolutely baffling.

Is this how life works? I truly felt that we were mutually in love and we both verbalized it when we had the conversation about her confusion. Then POOF - she's gone. Some friends have said, "it's her problem, she can't commit." But I'm like, what? She was the one who was pushing the commitment!

I tried to protect my ego by saying the upcoming move precipitated her change of heart and not vice versa. But then I think about how she was all over me up until the day she dumped me and has never turned back. It just doesn't make sense.

Another aspect of this is that she's extremely attractive, so my friends have said I need to go for a more down to earth girl if I want commitment. Unfortunately, I'm just not attracted to the girls they point out as examples. So now I'm left thinking, "I had an attractive girl who wanted me to commit, and once I did, she bailed. I will never find a girl who meets my standards who will commit because they don't exist."

FYI She's 24 and graduating college now, I'm 26 and in grad school.

November 19, 2015

So basically you're saying you cannot commit to another girl unless she is as attractive or more attractive than your ex.

You were a challenge to her ego at first, once she saw she had you it satisfied her ego and she bailed. She likes the chase and you were caught so game over.

November 19, 2015

Yeah, that's what I'm getting at essentially. And I'm jaded now thinking that all girls who meet the standards I have set for myself are going to be like that since society has basically built up their ego so much all they care about is protecting it. And that means I basically can never tell girls I date for any period of time how I feel about them. It's just overall sad on many levels.

It also has been crossing my mind to call her out for that so she can reflect on it and so she realizes I know what's up.

November 19, 2015

Yes, this is exactly what life is like, imo.

If you can see the truth... that all relationships are temporary, you won't be so bothered when one fizzles and you have to move onto the next.

We are taught there is this natural progression from meeting to death do us part.

Im the vast majority of cases, death doesn't do anyone part. They break up/divorce long before.

Try to see the positive.

You had a good time with a hot chick you enjoyed. The next one will be fun too.

November 19, 2015

No, don't contact her at all. Any contact will feed her massive ego and let her know you are pinning for her. The best way to treat these people is no contact. She will wonder why she isn't good enough for you to chase and will eventually contact you to start the game over. That's when you change up on her and no more ego boosting. Let her chase but don't get caught this time. I don't know how long you want to play this game with this girl but it seems that's all she's good for is games.

November 19, 2015

Thanks for the input amigo. I unfortunately am a very open guy and I'm very confident (which is why I'm so open I think - I see no risk to my ego putting my thoughts/feelings on the table), so I have already been chasing her a lot since the breakup. I stopped a couple weeks ago, but all my friends say she's so into herself that in her mind she has "won" and will never contact me. Which really sucks - she's just gonna walk away with her ego boost and I'm left in the dust. Obviously in the long term it's good riddance. But then it gets down to the question of my standards for physical attraction and how that may affect my ability to find a genuine person.

Edit: Also since I really feel she'll never look back, that's why I'm tempted to call it like it is and put it out in front of her face that she's driven by her ego. But I guess why should I want to help her...she'll just do it again and again and never be happy, her problem.

Edited November 19, 2015 by eightninevision

November 19, 2015

So basically you're saying you cannot commit to another girl unless she is as attractive or more attractive than your ex.

You were a challenge to her ego at first, once she saw she had you it satisfied her ego and she bailed. She likes the chase and you were caught so game over.

This is spot on. My Thai gf overseas of 9 years did the same thing. She was more of a chaser early but as i started to chase her back, the tide started to turn.

Its definately an ego thing. Once they have you and the mystery is gone, it goes down hill from there. They make sure there is no other amazing mysteries around the corner and then disappear.

Defo go NC with this one. Her inflated ego needs to be deflated ASAP.

P.S. I have the same issue as you. I have generally dated girls slightly out of my league (10/10 looks etc) which has got me into trouble. Once they know u are into them for real, things can start to get painful. And like you, I have had several other opportunites to have relationships with women who are less stunning but have often not entered the relationship though fear of hurting that person's feelings (knowing im not totally into them).

Edited November 19, 2015 by marky00

November 19, 2015

Edit: Also since I really feel she'll never look back, that's why I'm tempted to call it like it is and put it out in front of her face that she's driven by her ego. But I guess why should I want to help her...she'll just do it again and again and never be happy, her problem.

That's just it! If you don't call her on it or give her any attention whatsoever she will come back because her ego will wonder why you aren't chasing her to find out why she left. She's used to guys chasing after her when she ghosts them. Don't do it, be different as that the only thing that will get her attention.

November 19, 2015

No, don't contact her at all. Any contact will feed her massive ego and let her know you are pinning for her. The best way to treat these people is no contact. She will wonder why she isn't good enough for you to chase and will eventually contact you to start the game over. That's when you change up on her and no more ego boosting. Let her chase but don't get caught this time. I don't know how long you want to play this game with this girl but it seems that's all she's good for is games.

I hope this is the case with my ex. I went NC.

November 19, 2015

Yeah, that's what I'm getting at essentially. And I'm jaded now thinking that all girls who meet the standards I have set for myself are going to be like that since society has basically built up their ego so much all they care about is protecting it. And that means I basically can never tell girls I date for any period of time how I feel about them. It's just overall sad on many levels.

It also has been crossing my mind to call her out for that so she can reflect on it and so she realizes I know what's up.

The standards you have set for yourself?

You mean the way they look?

Sounds like you are the one with the massive ego.

November 19, 2015

Oh, I definitely understand the ego goes both ways. I have dated all sorts of girls, but I find myself only really physically attracted to a few. Not much I can do to change that in the short term.

In terms of her ever returning to see why I didn't chase, I highly, highly doubt that. This is one that has immense stubbornness and a truly enormously inflated sense of her worth due to men being attracted to her.

November 19, 2015

That's just it! If you don't call her on it or give her any attention whatsoever she will come back because her ego will wonder why you aren't chasing her to find out why she left. She's used to guys chasing after her when she ghosts them. Don't do it, be different as that the only thing that will get her attention.

I already chased her for weeks after the breakup, not in a super pathetic way, but definitely asked her if she was having second thoughts, tried to remind her of the good times. No begging though. She would always just say "I have lost my feelings for you, idk how." I've also booty called her about 3x with her just saying "haha not now" or "no thanks." I called her out on never being able to say "no never going to happen" and told her it was clear she didn't want to lose me chasing her.

So part of me wants to just say directly "I know how - cause all you care about is a game and once you knew you had me you were over it." Just to see her reaction. But it's probably useless.

No contact will not bring this one back either, though, so idk if there's a loss in calling her out.

Edited November 19, 2015 by eightninevision

November 19, 2015

Oh, I definitely understand the ego goes both ways. I have dated all sorts of girls, but I find myself only really physically attracted to a few. Not much I can do to change that in the short term.

In terms of her ever returning to see why I didn't chase, I highly, highly doubt that. This is one that has immense stubbornness and a truly enormously inflated sense of her worth due to men being attracted to her.

Do you understand the ego goes both ways? because it doesn't sound like you do. you said you wanted to call her out that she is "driven by her ego" and throw that in her face. To do would be extremely hypocritical as you are aware you have an ego problem as well and an inflated sense of self worth yourself. She doesn't have to be with you, and she has chosen not to, she has made it clear after the BU that she is still not interested in sex, or having second thoughts about the BU. Just because she isn't telling you to screw off or telling you what you want to hear doesn't mean she wants you to keep chasing her.

There is no sense in "calling her out" so to speak.

November 19, 2015

Basically I dated a girl who was head over heels for me for about 7 months. I'd say the amount of time we spent together and the trips we went on together made it more like a year long relationship, plus we knew each other before we dated. We were planning out long term things, mostly by HER choice (she was always the one bringing up long term plans in other words), she had made all of our plans for thanksgiving, winter break vacation, and beyond etc.

She was thinking of moving when we started dating, then said she might stay in this city for me, then said she would move but demanded we do long distance. Then two months ago she just flipped a switch and said she couldn't invest more emotions. She asked me how I felt. I said I loved her and that I supported whatever she wanted, but obviously thought we could work it out. She never showed any desire for me after that and we are completely broken up now.

So, she was chasing me the entire relationship up until she asked how I felt when she was "confused" about her decision, and once she got an affirmative that I'm very into her, she bailed.

I suggested we keep it together until she moves and see what happens then. She agreed for one day, then the next day said "I have lost all attraction to you, I don't know how, I'm sorry." She has not contacted me since. I thought I was pretty alpha, but this was a slap in the face and I'm left very bitter after showing this girl a great time and thinking she idolized me. To make it worse, everyone who knew us as a couple keeps saying "oh she'll change her mind, there's no way she's walking away on you like that." But she is. She has been straight ICE since she made up her mind. Thinking about her excitement for the holidays we had planned versus how she is behaving now is absolutely baffling.

Is this how life works? I truly felt that we were mutually in love and we both verbalized it when we had the conversation about her confusion. Then POOF - she's gone. Some friends have said, "it's her problem, she can't commit." But I'm like, what? She was the one who was pushing the commitment!
I tried to protect my ego by saying the upcoming move precipitated her change of heart and not vice versa. But then I think about how she was all over me up until the day she dumped me and has never turned back. It just doesn't make sense.

Another aspect of this is that she's extremely attractive, so my friends have said I need to go for a more down to earth girl if I want commitment. Unfortunately, I'm just not attracted to the girls they point out as examples. So now I'm left thinking, "I had an attractive girl who wanted me to commit, and once I did, she bailed. I will never find a girl who meets my standards who will commit because they don't exist."

FYI She's 24 and graduating college now, I'm 26 and in grad school.

People put so much stress and strain on their emotions and thoughts about all these things that really adds fuel to the fire not for the other person who is not involved anymore but for you. your loosing your train of thought putting your mental energy into this girl and I understand I do the exact same thing and it sucks. but as they say with time you learn and that you do, with time you will realize does it matter, will it change anything, does it matter what she thinks or what shes does or anything relating to her. you know the answer.

The only thing you can do is not care and tell yourself you dont.

Calling her out is immature and because you are hurt you think it is justified to get the last kick in before quitting, that doesn't do anything for you and in time you feel like and idiot for it and so will everyone else, because i did it too. the mature thing is to do is nothing because there is nothing to do. work on you.

your doing really well and your doing things perfect keep it going and in time you will see it didnt matter and doesnt change anything and you will be proud that you didnt. Good on you mate.

November 19, 2015

Perhaps she met someone else.

November 19, 2015

Your entire disappointment in the breakup seems to be about your ego. IMHO, when men/women focus on looks, they are fairly shallow and have little else to contribute to their own relationship. Perhaps you just couldn't hold her attention because you brought so little personal values, interests and authenticity to the relationship. Long distance relationships need something pretty powerful to sustain them or propel them, so if you lost her interest, it might be because you were bringing nothing of interest in the long run. You sound really young so maybe you aren't quite to the point where you get that relationships are intricate and aren't based on superficial things after the honeymoon period. Check your contribution level....did you know her? Do you know yourself? Did you understand her hopes, dreams, fears, and what her real needs were from you? Or, did you think she was hot and that sustained you, thinking you loved her based on her being hot and she was actually pursuing you to the delight of your friends who gave you high fives in how pretty and out of your league physically she is? (You do understand, you gave absolutely no indication of attraction and compatibility other than her hotness, right?)

Move on, this was an infatuation of your eyeballs,

Grumps

Edited November 19, 2015 by Grumpybutfun

November 19, 2015

Men are shallow. It's how we're wired. You want a hot GF. Nothing wrong with that.

Keep holding out for a woman you find very attractive. Otherwise you're doing yourself a disservice and wasting the time of both of you. You do not need to settle. Sure, women on here will call you shallow. Who cares.

As far as the ex, be glad for your turn. That's all she really was. If she'd proven herself to be a keeper, then it would be a real loss. But she wasn't. So, forget her and be grateful for the sex and fun times.

Keep doing you, and don't f*cking settle.

November 19, 2015

Your entire disappointment in the breakup seems to be about your ego. IMHO, when men/women focus on looks, they are fairly shallow and have little else to contribute to their own relationship. Perhaps you just couldn't hold her attention because you brought so little personal values, interests and authenticity to the relationship. Long distance relationships need something pretty powerful to sustain them or propel them, so if you lost her interest, it might be because you were bringing nothing of interest in the long run. You sound really young so maybe you aren't quite to the point where you get that relationships are intricate and aren't based on superficial things after the honeymoon period. Check your contribution level....did you know her? Do you know yourself? Did you understand her hopes, dreams, fears, and what her real needs were from you? Or, did you think she was hot and that sustained you, thinking you loved her based on her being hot and she was actually pursuing you to the delight of your friends who gave you high fives in how pretty and out of your league physically she is? (You do understand, you gave absolutely no indication of attraction and compatibility other than her hotness, right?)
Move on, this was an infatuation of your eyeballs,
Grumps

Yeah I'm gonna disagree. My ego is part of the equation but not disproportionately so. And obviously there's a lot more to the relationship that I haven't touched on. The sentiment I was trying to convey was the relationship between a girl's attractiveness and her ego. Our society tends to inflate girls who are classically attractive to think they're goddesses.

As for my value, I probably lack sufficient self esteem for my attributes if I'm being objective, and try to compensate by nabbing hot girls. And sexy women are fun to have sex with...

That all being said, ego is involved in every breakup. We're clearly talking about a certain type of girl who uses men until they can't provide any more ego boost for them and then ditch. That inflection point normally occurs when the man shows genuine interest in the girl. That's a pattern that I'm sure many here will agree with.

And we had many conversations about long term aspirations. I'm simply asking about the end when she ditched immediately after I opened myself up fully and became vulnerable.

Edited November 19, 2015 by eightninevision

November 19, 2015

Both your goals are about your egos. When you reach 29, you will realize you have wasted precious time on BS ideas that grown people do not give a $hit about. It's like when you are in highschool all the boys wanna keep their paints down to their underwear showing..then you grow up a bit and wear a belt. Same thing with this situation...you need to find yourself a women not a girl and also move on from the "im the s#it" ego.

November 20, 2015

I agree that when I fast forward to play time being over, I have some difficulty imagining where we'd be at, namely due to her lack of ability to communicate her thoughts and feelings on difficult decisions. That's where any of my doubts came into play, for sure, and maybe she picked up on that and decided to get out before I did.

I would love to agree that the ego games end, but I have witnessed many, many adult relationships go back and forth on ego.

In the end, I'm guessing this chick is gonna move, realize she regrets leaving behind what she called "a great relationship - I will always be confused about this decision" but have too big of an ego to contact me.

Humans are animals, tryin' to one up all the time and save face. I'm gonna believe that until proven otherwise.

November 20, 2015

You're kind of all over the place. Are you actually sad that you are broken up or is this just a bruise to your ego that you think you will cure by getting a new attractive girlfriend?

November 20, 2015

The sentiment I was trying to convey was the relationship between a girl's attractiveness and her ego. Our society tends to inflate girls who are classically attractive to think they're goddesses.

So ... your hot girlfriend leaves you and your take away message is that " our society tends to inflate girls who are classically attractive to think they are goddesses"?

:eek:

November 20, 2015

You're kind of all over the place. Are you actually sad that you are broken up or is this just a bruise to your ego that you think you will cure by getting a new attractive girlfriend?

Most people are all over the place after getting dumped. I'm actually sad to lose a friend, my ego is bruised, and it won't just be cured by getting a new attractive girlfriend. I've gone on dates with multiple chicks who my friends think are attractive but I miss my ex, not just for superficial reasons.

In terms of your other comment on my takeaway...I think it's a reasonable reflection. "Hot" girls are coveted by younger guys, but it's actually a pretty bad thing to rely on for their ego, which tends to become disproportionately inflated. If I were a "hot girl" I would realize that it's a depreciating commodity and not get so arrogant about it.

November 20, 2015

...In terms of your other comment on my takeaway...I think it's a reasonable reflection. "Hot" girls are coveted by younger guys, but it's actually a pretty bad thing to rely on for their ego, which tends to become disproportionately inflated. If I were a "hot girl" I would realize that it's a depreciating commodity and not get so arrogant about it.

Since you're so well on your way down the road of [self] discovery, at what age do "hot dudes" realize that theirs, too, is a depreciating commodity

and start working on developing more of a personality and less of an ego?

At 55, my "hot chick" persona ship sailed decades ago and since I'm only interested in dating similarly-aged men, I'd like to know how more years I have to wait.

November 20, 2015

Since you're so well on your way down the road of [self] discovery, at what age do "hot dudes" realize that theirs, too, is a depreciating commodity

and start working on developing more of a personality and less of an ego?

At 55, my "hot chick" persona ship sailed decades ago and since I'm only interested in dating similarly-aged men, I'd like to know how more years I have to wait.

Either this is as confusing and nuanced as I think it is or the two beers I had tonight are kickin in haha. I think you're saying it goes both ways with the depreciation and I agree. Except unfortunately women in our society tend to rely more on physical beauty, that's just a fact.

Sign In

Long term relationship went poof. What went wrong and are my standards too high?

Recommended Posts

eightninevision

stillafool

eightninevision

loveweary11

stillafool

eightninevision

marky00

stillafool

Amelie1980

Silver_star

eightninevision

eightninevision

Silver_star

TheLoveBelow92

ExpatInItaly

Grumpybutfun

Oregon_Dude

eightninevision

NoLeafClover

eightninevision

Rejected Rosebud

Rejected Rosebud

eightninevision

mrldii

eightninevision

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...