Help! - Moving overseas dilemma

[pavlov301]

I would like your collective advice about a dilemma I'm facing at the moment. To try and cut a long story short, K and myself having been dating for around a year now and we are very much in love and very happy together.

 

When we first met K lived around 100 miles away from me so we would see each other every weekend and speak every day on the phone. K was also going through a divorce from a partner that she was working with who had decided to have an affair with another member of staff that K worked with!

 

Before we got together K had decided that she had needed a complete break not only from where she lived, as it was a small town and everybody knew her business, but also the UK, as it was always something she had always wanted to do. K's ultimate goal in life was to work overseas and stay where 'I can feel the sun on my face' and have a better standard of living.

 

After around 3 months of us dating, K told me that she had been offered a job in Dubai and asked me how i felt. I said that I didn't want her to go as I felt that we already had something speacial already. K did say that she hoped that eventually we (if things did work out) would both go overseas (K had suggested moving overseas to her husband when they were married but he declined and they did not go). I said that I did feel that I needed a change of scenery and would love to move abroad someday but just not yet.

 

Eventually, we decided that as we wanted us to be together and the fact that there were better employment opportunities where I lived that K would move and rent until we were ready to move in together.(this is now the case)

 

As time went on we became all the more happier together and we have been dating for over a year now.

 

Anyway, the question of what we wanted to do together in the future arose and K said that she hoped that we would decide to go and live overseas. I said that I was not sure as I wasn't confident that we would gain employment and I wasn't ready to move away at this time. K said that I wasn't getting any younger (I'm 36) and I neeeded to get my skates on. She then said we needed to think about what we wanted from the relationship, so we both looked at living together and living overseas. Eventually it came to a head when K said that she wanted to go away and I said that it was too quick a decision to make and so I wasn't going.

 

K then said that she had made the committment by moving 100 miles and giving up her job and it was time I made some (which I understand). She then said that if I didn't go with her it was over as she was not going to stay here in the UK when she wanted to live overseas. We eventually compromised on us buying a property for a year to make some money as well as save on rent and after a year move overseas.

 

The thing is, I can't help but feel that I'm being given an ultimatum and that if she loved me she wouldn't go. On the other hand, I can see that if I loved her I would go with her?! What do I do?

 

I'd appreciate your comments.

 

Thanks

[overseas2004]

Before I am sure about what I have wrote below, I would ask you for some more facts:

 

Does she know anything about Dubai? Have you even explored the chances of going abroad or what the chances are of you getting employment? Why Dubai? Has she been there before? What line of work is she in? I am assuming she has a plan right? help me out with some more facts... But anyway here is a basic answer below:

 

I am glad I read your post and I hope I can help you because I am alot like K and I have gone through similar things. I hate living in America. In 2000, I moved away because I hated the lifestyle. I lived in Bosnia (much much worse than Dubai) for several years and only recently I had to return because my career was skyrocketing. I have to spend 2 years in the States and then I will be free to go overseas again. But let me tell you, when I am free to go again, GO I WILL. And so I do have some understanding for her. Because for anyone who has experienced life abroad it is quite a rewarding experience. You get to learn about a new culture. People are usually less plastic in these societies and friends are easier to come by. You learn when you move in these different places that life is much much more than work and going shopping or some of the activities that are Anglo Saxon friends hold so dear in their societies. I also understand her idea of "wanting to have the sun on her face". I used to go the coast line in Croatia every weekend when I lived in Bosnia. I swam in the clear blue waters of the Adriatic and it was a nice life. I made enough money that I was able to have a maid and life was grand. Now there is no beautiful coast, there is only the shi**y Atlantic and its ugly. There is virtually nowhere I can go closeby that is pretty. And I have no friends. So I understand K. You just dont because you havent lived abroad. So if you love this woman you may want to give it a try.

 

Marriage and love is about compromises. We do and try to do the things that make our loved one happy. Its a give and take situation and I believe she did make some sacrifices for you. I believe you should do the same.

 

The only only thing that disturbs me a little in this whole picture is that she has threatened to leave you and that should never be a part of the equation. Being in love means that you dont leave each other in any circumstances. That just cant be an option for either of you. And if it is then maybe you need to explore this facet of the problem a little more. Also, she needs to be reasonable about this whole move. If there is a chance for you to live and work and do something, than ok. IF there isn't then her requests are not reasonable. Please give me more details about how she thinks you can be employed etc... But to address the issue about her leaving....... I would tell her if I was you "I am willing to explore this idea about moving to Dubai with you but I have some important questions (like the ones I asked you above).. and I would like for you to answer them. But I will not be bullied into going somewhere unless I am sure that it is going to be good for both of us. If you threaten to leave me again, you can just go and you dont need to bother making a verbal threat anymore". Dont let her force you into any decisions. Its ok to do it as a sacrifice for her, its ok to love someone that much. But its not ok to be bullied.

 

Good luck and hey let me know what happens. My bf is coming to America to be with me. Its not something he wants to do, but I promised it would only be for two years and then we are outta here. I really appreciate his doing this for me. He doesn't even speak English. That is why he is the one...