JJTrackside Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Okay I've never done anything like this before. I'm going to try and not say the lines I've said a million times in my real life and just be totally honest. Here goes: Age 14: Met her. Fell for her. Age 18: Broke up. To fly planes in the RAF was the only career I'd ever wanted, but it wasn't the life she wanted. Age 21: I had a bad accident. She came to the hospital the day after I woke up. I had to completely learn to use my left arm again, she came twice every day, she got me through. We got back together. My military career was over, she was fresh out of uni, we spent 11 months travelling the world, mostly through volunteer projects, we visited 4 of the 5 continents. Age 24: We broke up. I wanted to start to settle down, I asked her to marry me, she didn't think the time was right. We never really recovered from that. Age 27: I knew what was going on with her on the grape vine but hadn't seen each other in a long time. She was due to be married and I was happy for her, genuinely. Till we met again. I told her is still loved her, always had always would. We had lunch, then after about a fortnight of being back in contact she called off the wedding. We got back together within a month. We then spent the best 6 years of my life together. We had a son when we were 29 and we were genuinely very happy for most of that time. Age 33: We broke up. The saddest thing is I couldn't even give a reason, life was hard at the time, and we were starting to argue a lot which we'd never done. We'd been trough so much together we should of been able to get through but we didn't. We had a son, we had to be in each others lies and on good terms for him, we didn't want to start hating each other. Which is basically my life up till today Age 35: We've been split up for 2yrs, 7months and 16 days (I used the internet, I'm not quite sad enough to have been counting ) and I've had a girlfriend for coming up to a year. She's a great girl and we've been happy. If we were talking in real life I'd tell you I was still very happy, that my future is firmly with my gf, that I'm well over my ex and that I certainly don't feel mushy towards red Ford Focus' cause they remind me of her but i'm here to be totally honest so here's the kicker: I spent the day with my ex and our son 2/3weeks ago and she laid it out there that she still loves me, that she wants us to try again. She told me that we're not kids anymore and she doesn't want to mess around, but that the sound of my voice still takes her straight back, that all the best times of her life have been with me, that she thinks we're worth another shot. Her telling me that made me confront what I've been, kidding my self about. I'm not over her, no where close, I think maybe I never could be totally over her. Every time I see a red ford focus I feel warm inside. There probably hasn't been a day that goes by when I don't think about her, if I'm totally honest, since I was 14, she always has a way of popping into my mind every single day. Or popping up in my life just when I start to forget just how magical her eyes are, just what I'd do to see those eyes light up. Even in the hardest points of our relationship, be I, crazy for her, mad at her, heartbroken, or all three, she's always had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. They're something special. The brutal truth is she's my 14 year olds self schoolboy crush, that never went away. After all these years. I want to stress I'm not a bad boyfriend, whatever my feelings to my ex were I've always been good to my gf and to the outside eye, if you knew us personally, I'd be surprised if you had a clue. But I don't know what to do. I feel now that if I stay with my girlfriend then I'm being the kind of guy I never wanted to be. I can lie to everyone else, but I'll know that she's not the only girl in my thoughts. In the name of brutal honesty.. I want to be with my ex, so badly. So badly. But I can't keep losing her. I can't put our son through that either. I have to believe this time it can be for keeps, but I worry because on paper it is crazy to give it a fourth shot with your ex!! But its not just any ex, its her, for me its always been her!
lilmissjava Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 The heart wants what it wants. No one can tell the future. No one is going to say your reconciliation will work out THIS TIME forever. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Trust your instinct. The fact that you are here asking this question is evidence enough that you have a small degree of doubt. She may have lost her chance, not the other way around. 1
Glitters Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Leave your current gf. It's not fair on her. Then decide if you want to try with ex or not. Most likely it will not work out. Either way, your current gf doesn't deserve this. 1
Sunlight72 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 As we get older and gain life experience, we have the opportunity to grow and do better. Do you feel you've grown since your last split with your longtime-crush? Or do you feel you are ready to do some deep self-exploration and change a something in yourself or your behavior? If not, then it seems sad, but I don't see why it would work. If yes, then I think you have too much going for you with your son and your relationship with your ex to ignore it. I would really encourage you to break it off with your current girlfriend, spend more time with your son, and consider getting together with your ex sometime in the new year. If it seems like a good idea in a few months, talk to her seriously about getting together, and think about asking her to marry you with a long engagement (like 12 or 18 months). I just see several things in your post that suggest to me you should be together, and also you shouldn't be with your current girlfriend. What I'm writing is more a feeling than logic-based idea. Best Wishes 1
blackcat777 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Very good point about not dragging your current girlfriend over the coals while you decide what you want. Setting her free is the best thing if you aren't sure about her. If you did break up with your ex a few times in the past, but you both genuinely want to reconcile, it might not be a bad idea to learn some communication and conflict resolution skills, so you don't cyclically break up for the same reasons. I had a lot of work to do in getting through my own abandonment issues before I could have a functional relationship. For a reconciliation to work, you can't just go back to an old relationship. You both have to be newer, better versions of yourselves working together to build a new, better relationship... or history will likely repeat itself. 1
Author JJTrackside Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 The heart wants what it wants. Yeah it sure does. No one can tell the future. No one is going to say your reconciliation will work out THIS TIME forever. Nothing is ever guaranteed. Trust your instinct. The fact that you are here asking this question is evidence enough that you have a small degree of doubt. She may have lost her chance, not the other way around. Yeah I understand you can never say 100% guaranteed be it first time, second time or fourth time! Theres not doubt about how I feel about her there never has been. I think the fact that we were so happy and it fell apart so quick last time worries me, but mostly I think about our son. Its not just us this time. As we get older and gain life experience, we have the opportunity to grow and do better. Do you feel you've grown since your last split with your longtime-crush? Or do you feel you are ready to do some deep self-exploration and change a something in yourself or your behavior? If not, then it seems sad, but I don't see why it would work. If yes, then I think you have too much going for you with your son and your relationship with your ex to ignore it. I would really encourage you to break it off with your current girlfriend, spend more time with your son, and consider getting together with your ex sometime in the new year. If it seems like a good idea in a few months, talk to her seriously about getting together, and think about asking her to marry you with a long engagement (like 12 or 18 months). I just see several things in your post that suggest to me you should be together, and also you shouldn't be with your current girlfriend. What I'm writing is more a feeling than logic-based idea. Best Wishes How much I've grown I don't know really. I would move mountains to make a relationship between us work. I won't drag this on, I know my girlfriend deserves better than that, but she is a great girl! I'm lucky to have her. If I couldn't be with my ex then I'd pick my gf over anyone else. We have a nice relationship and we could have a nice life. But I know its no girl wants a man whos in love with someone else. Which sucks cause I feel like we're breaking hearts all over the place, her finance, my girlfriend, along with our own on occasion. But I love her. I can't pretend other wise, I always have.
Riptide91 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 At this point you might as well give it another shot. You guys are old enough to either be wth each other and work it out or completely forget about the idea. Marry the woman, be with her, fight, makeup, raise your son.
kendahke Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Seriously? No. You really have that much youth to waste for a 4th time? If you two could work, you wouldn't have broken up 3 times. What work have either of you done to resolve whatever conflicts or issues drove you two apart in the first place? When you two start arguing again, then what? Also, you should come clean with your current girlfriend about what you've been up to. That would be the right thing to do if you're in this much turmoil about who it is you really love.
Author JJTrackside Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 Seriously? No. You really have that much youth to waste for a 4th time? If you two could work, you wouldn't have broken up 3 times. What work have either of you done to resolve whatever conflicts or issues drove you two apart in the first place? When you two start arguing again, then what? At this point you might as well give it another shot. You guys are old enough to either be wth each other and work it out or completely forget about the idea. Marry the woman, be with her, fight, makeup, raise your son. This is like the two sides of my head right now. On one hand, we've broken up 3 times. 3 times it hasn't worked out. I have never stopped loving her since I was 14, whatever else came between us I always loved her but 3 times that wasn't enough to save us. Yeah that scares the **** outta me! I don't want to believe that I can't live without her and I can't live with her either, that would be heart breaking. I know they say if it doesn't scare the hell out of you a little shes not the one, and if you took a poll of my friends asked the 'would he go back to her again' I think they'd tell you to never write us off! BUT i'm also trying to be a good DAD and to think of my son, If we don't have a solid chance of being for keeps then that isn't fair on him! Then there's the other side. That says she's right, when I look at my past all the defining moments have been spent with her, the happiest ive ever been has been with her. Those things might be in my past but even now when im with her I feel home. That's the only way I can describe it. Me and her feels right, I am completely me, she knows me better than I know myself and despite how connected she is to my past when I'm with her, when I look in her eyes, I see our whole lives before me. We're not kids anymore, we have a son, we have more reason than ever to make it work but it fell apart so quickly last time. Its just so hard to know what's right. I know I'm not over her, I don't believe I ever will be, there is no over her. Even if we can't be together, even if she was to break my heart, I will always be so thankful to have had her in my life, and for the time we spent together. This is me being blatantly honest not just on here but also more so than I usually am with myself. I've said people probably think i'm well over her and completely happy with my gf. I am happy with my gf, I care about her, we could have a good future together but in the name of brutal honestly even if it makes me look like a a******, recently since I've been more switched on to it I realise how much I still think about my ex, I realise how much it brightens my day when I know i'm going to see her, her name popping up on my phone makes me smile even if its a simple "okay". Sometimes I catch myself from calling my gf by my ex's name, I know that's bad, I always used to just brush it under the carpet but now this is all on my mind its resonating with me. But like, my fear is why we just cant make it stick long term. Do I give this everything again try to make it work. Or accept it cant and try to find some way to live the rest of my life.
smackie9 Posted November 22, 2015 Posted November 22, 2015 End it with your GF, go into couples counseling with your ex so you both can build a solid foundation which you both never had before. Counseling will let you know if getting married and going for the long term is plausible. That's all you can do if you feel you need to do this one.....more....time.
Author JJTrackside Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 Very good point about not dragging your current girlfriend over the coals while you decide what you want. Setting her free is the best thing if you aren't sure about her. I understand that. That's another horrible conversation I've got to have if i'm going to do this. I do really care about her and think the world of the girl. To hurt her isn't what I wanted. She's been so good to me. Sh*tty time of year to do something like that an all! And we are happy, okay shes not the love of my life, but If you did break up with your ex a few times in the past, but you both genuinely want to reconcile, it might not be a bad idea to learn some communication and conflict resolution skills, so you don't cyclically break up for the same reasons. I had a lot of work to do in getting through my own abandonment issues before I could have a functional relationship. For a reconciliation to work, you can't just go back to an old relationship. You both have to be newer, better versions of yourselves working together to build a new, better relationship... or history will likely repeat itself. Right, this is my fear. I don't want to just cycle round. I want to be able to say i'm going to do xyz different so this time we have a better chance of going the distance. But, I know three break ups doesn't look good, but we have always had good communication. Like our relationships have always been solid, solid, solid, and then fallen apart very quickly, that's what makes it hard.
Author JJTrackside Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 End it with your GF, go into couples counseling with your ex so you both can build a solid foundation which you both never had before. Counseling will let you know if getting married and going for the long term is plausible. That's all you can do if you feel you need to do this one.....more....time. Right, I thought about this. Its kinda what you see people do in the movies. I confess I know little about what goes on in a counselling session, I do feel a tad like, if we got back together now, it'd be good, I'd be surprised if stay good for a fair while minimum. I dunno, like, like what we'd say. Does that make sense? Like when we're good, we're good, so I don't know what id talk about with a counsellor? Bar going over what went wrong last time. I'm not sure if bringing that back up is a good thing or not.
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