curly Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I broke NC after 4 weeks but it was because my father died. It wasn't even that I needed xMM, but I wanted him to know that my father died on our "anniversary." I wanted him to know that that day would no longer hold the same special significance and now I would forever hate that day. Anyway, we spoke a few times over the next few days. He said that he is separated and living with his daughter & her husband. But he does not wish for us to be together. He wants to be a good person and not hurt anyone any more, especially me. He says he can't take the chance of hurting me again and will not be with me. He feels that he's too old for me (15 yrs. older) and he would only bring me down. He says he thinks I will not want him eventually. It feels like excuses and I told him so. But he insists he still loves me but can't hurt me again. I say everyday without him makes me hurt. Either way, he's told me that it's over. I have to accept it even if I don't understand. So, moving on from there - I've never really gone into it in depth on this board but I'm also working on a relationship with my xH. I seem to never learn to move on, huh? So, xH & I are now in counseling (only 1 visit so far). I'm not sure if I want to be with xH or if I'm trying to mask the hurt from xMM. I miss the xMM so very much. But the xH & I have been back & forth for 10 yrs. now. Enough is enough. We decided to do the counseling to see if there really was something to salvage. Also, xH knows there was a MM but not the extent of time or emotions. I told him and he did not want any details. So, I'm trying the warm-up to xH while trying to heal from xMM. BTW - no kids w/ xH. My head feels like it's going to spin off my head. I know that if xH & I could get to a place where we are happy, it might work out. But he has lots of personal issues. And essentially, I don't believe it will work out. I just get scared to let go of that safety net. So, try not to flame... constructive advice, please? I don't need to hear that I'm a sinner, cheater, a**hole, etc. Not going to help.
overseas2004 Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I am not going to give you any cr*p about being a sinner, we all are. But I am going to be honest. First of all, you contacted the MM because you still love him and you just cant resist. Its far better that you are honest with yourself. Its ok to lie to us, we dont care really. But to lie to yourself isnt ok. Second thing, if your first marriage didnt work, it probably didnt work for a reason. I dont know why you would go back except that probably you dont want to be alone. And if that is the case, then again, you arent being honest with yourself and you are running away from your problems. If you are thinking about MM all the time and trying to repair relationship with xH, guess what? It probably wont work. So why put yourself through the excersize of the futile? Its time to grow up and do the right thing. If you dont, your life will just continue to be in turmoil. And this time, it will be your own fault.
kkat Posted May 27, 2005 Posted May 27, 2005 Curly, I'm sorry to hear about your father. Can you try to separate things a bit and force yourself to think a bit logically, despite how difficult that will be at such an emotional time? Re: the ex-MM: Your relationship with the MM ended for various reasons. He has indicated to you, through his actions and his words, that he is still not available. He is no longer living w/ his wife but yet he is not pursuing a relationship with you. You realize, I think, that this relationship holds no future for you, only a past. Therefore, the best thing for you to do is step by step move back into NC. If you can't do it cold turkey right now, then stage it - less calls, less contact, skip one day, then two days, etc. Re: Your husband: If you and your husband both have an interest in reconciling, I don't think any harm can come from you attending counseling together. Re: You!: However, maybe you might want to take a little break and give yourself some time to heal (and perhaps some individual therapy) to address the newness of the loss of your father, on top of the situation with ex-MM. Work on nurturing yourself a bit, and let the other things lie for now - even for a week or two.... Good luck!
MiChick43 Posted May 30, 2005 Posted May 30, 2005 Why do you have to be with anyone? be by yourself for awhile and see what emotions are left after a few months. Sometimes it just takes some alone time to figure out what you want in life. We dont have to be with anyone....... Hugs
Recommended Posts