Altea Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 (edited) Hi folks, I wonder if some of you would be so kind as to give you some more advise please. I was devastated the other day and you were kind enough to point out the things I was being blinded by. So, please don't judge me as I have a massive fear and issue over that which causes me issues. I am in a relationship. It has gone a bit stale after 20 years, there is no intimate physical contact. I met a guy on holiday by myself and we spent a night together two months ago. I have spoken to him daily since and he tells me he loves me. I love him greatly and he is the most beautiful spirit I have ever met. In my 42 years on this planet, I have never ever felt so alive, loved, warm and strong. He has trust and jealousy issues and this caused him to call things off right before I was due to fly to see him next week. He lives in Spain and I am in the UK. He told me I needed to leave my current relationship and after much chatting has blocked me and ignored me. His parting words were he would call my current partner and tell him everything if I sent him an email. He did say there may be something there if I was single. I am devastated and have told my partner that things are not right. I need hugs, love etc. He has told me he cannot be intimate with me, he just cannot. I broke my heart today in bad as I got up and it was all he could do to hold my hand. he then rushed out to work knowing I told him I needed hugs. I just want somebody to hold me tight and stop me falling. Ideally my soulmate in Spain. My soulmate has issues, my sister is trying to make me see how he has manipulated me. He speaks about having two characters in him, being self destructive, hurting himself and having darkness inside of him. He pressured me in our parting conversation to say things I did not want to and more or less admitted he was making me come to his way of thinking. He got me to say goodbye then immediately cut off. I did not want to, he made me, he manipulated me, but I was so emotionally devastated I did not see it at the time. He has closure, I do not but I feel there is something there. My gut and heart tell me to fight. My head says fight but this is unlikely to succeed. My sister tells me there is not one positive thing in this. To make this work, I would need to leave my relationship, loose everything i have, leave my job, move to spain and somehow support myself. My sister told me if he has destroyed me like this then if I was there it would be worse. I want to believe it but I cannot. My sister says that I am talking about moving my life on the basis of a eight hour drunken night together and daily chats for the last two months. I do feel i love him, but I am told I am in love with the idea of loving him. I am going down with this and am really struggling. Part of me wants to write to see what is there but he can't contact home. I need to disemble all of that, if that is what I choose to do. I know on paper, this looks a disaster and everyone I speak to tells me I need to get a grip and its the attention and love talk I have fallen for. What would you do? I am being driven by my heart to contact him and see if this can be picked up and establish if there is anything there. But I am worried about repercusions as he threatened to cause so much stuff here. Clearly I need to work on my relationship at home but when we discussed this, I am not getting much back and I feel it is beyond repair. But I need to control that and not him. I do understand in part why he has said it because he has been waiting for 2 months whilst I am back in the UK I see good over bad always and am blind to all of the bad things of this guy. Not having a regular income, a bit mentally unstable, drinks and treats me like this by emotionally blackmailing me. He tells me he loves me though. I feel love for him and I feel driven and drawn to him. He really is beautiful inside and out. What if I am the one that can help with his issues, what if that is what this means. Please can somebody help me and advise me? What would you all do? I am so overwhelmed by this. I want to write but I am worried of the issues I would have if he carried out his threat. The fact he manipulated my thoughts and words mean I have been left with weird emotions that I do not want or wanted. For instance, I ended up saying goodbye and I did not want to etc. Please help. Edited November 19, 2015 by Altea
todreaminblue Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 (edited) hey altea...i am sorry you are so heartbroken i read your other thread...its pretty clear that this guy your supposed"soulmate" is not the actual person you need in your life.....he isnt right for you...he actually makes you unhappy..and confused and insecure...besides the fact he has told you its over........ now you are in a relationship......you have a guy you are with...and i think you need to concentrate on that area in your life at the moment....as far as soul mate goes.....there is no one soul mate....there are many....relationships take hard work not fairy dust...... if you love the one you are with and make him the focus and concentrate on repairing your relationship he could be really the right one for you.....have you really tried .....or are you looking for that greener grass....i know you say you needed hugs......but maybe if you sat down one night when there was no work and you had a good opportunity to talk to him you can let him know how you are feeling and find out how he is feeling too....start communicating...whatever happens..you need to sort out the relationship you are in before you think of another.....i wish you well...deb Edited November 19, 2015 by todreaminblue 1
Author Altea Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Thank you. We did talk last night as I just cannot be the person I was before I met this guy. I don't want to be, so it has to change or I can't go on. Its hard for me to say that to my partner because I do love him, but I also love the other guy. My current partner is not my soul mate, we are very different, but I love him. The thing is, if he cannot be intimate or show me love then I cant do this anymore. The complication is that I struggle to be expressive with him for some reason, I think because we left it so far to talk about it. It is 10 years since he had relations with me. Also, I struggle to volunteer affection. I have had therapy on that and it comes back to not being loved or cuddled as a child. The other guy was so romantic and emotive and I really connected. I miss him like my heart is being ripped out of me. He has issues but what if I am the one that is supposed to work them out for him? My sis tells me I would see the good in a murderer and I know I what she means, but it is just my way. I think seeing the good is sometimes bad for me. I hate this situation as it is destroying me and I really don't know what to do. I keep crying and I cannot keep it together. I hate that I am too emotionally sensitive. I just cant get control at all. 1
todreaminblue Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 (edited) hey...seeing the good in people makes you a good person....dont ever lose it.....i understand now that the expressiveness you dont get from your partner is also in you.....that you have carried it with you from childhood.....you find it hard to be affectionate and i am guessing your now bf feels it and feels a bit awkward maybe in expressing emotion back to you or instigating affection......... i need to tell you this even if you did get with this other guy who is a bit unbalanced......and all over the place......you are not going to feel what you want to feel......you see the good in him....and i understand that...but you have to live with the flaws ...thats the hardest part...its easy to see good and live with the good in people....but you know his flaws....and where do those flaws leave you??? confused and alone..... my honest advice and it is heartfelt advice.......is that you seek professional help for the relationship you are in..you have a guy who has stuck by you ......and it seems without a whole heap of intimacy for ten years.....you have to know he loves you right......and you have said that you love him....because you have not been open maybe in therapy couples therapy that can happen ...a neutral person to help and guide your communication into positive areas you can work on......strategies to develop intimacy and expression in both of you .....do you go to church maybe a pastor or bishop can help you.....if not seek a kind and compassionate professional to help you...you may need to go back to the root of your problem ...your inability to express yourself fully and his....... why i keep talking about your current relationship is because it is tangible...real..possibly fixable..here in the now...that other relationship is not with you....i can clarify this further with you if you need it....but here are some thoughts... .you cant feel or touch it or work on that relationship...its a no go zone by the other guys request ...specific request.......it is done..and for you and this other guy it seems it was more emotional than physical or in the here and now......you need some help with you and the relationship you are in..... if it is to move on from your relationship you are in ...then that is what needs to happen...but...seeing you say you do love him and he has stuck by your side for a while now which to me, intimates love...i think ...it is worth that shot in the dark to nurture and see what grows forth...it could be really beautiful you know.....i think it would help you immensely to seek help and therapy for the both of you...and heres a hug to start you off....((((hugs)))))..deb Edited November 20, 2015 by todreaminblue
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