notmakingsense Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I've read all the NC guides, and I know that this is the best policy -- so I'm just using this forum post to help vent my feelings. My best friend is getting sick of hearing about it. We were in NC for 3 weeks, then broke it had dinner two nights ago and I called it quits after she told me she wanted to see other people and just be friends with me. The thing is, is that I really believe her when she talks about being friends. We have an incredible bond that I could feel even when we were discussing breaking it off. She feels it too, and she was reaching for my hands while we spoke and cried uncontrollably when I told her I couldn't handle seeing her. But -- there was no mistaking the outcome. She told me she could no longer be intimate with me because she can't be intimate with more than one person at a time. She also, in between sobs, told me to be very choosy when finding another for myself. Ouch -- it felt like a sucker punch to the lower abdomen! This should be more tolerable for me. I mean, we have been on and off for 1.5 years with her never showing full commitment. I would incessantly hound her and get her back to keep trying. Well, this last time -- I didn't -- I told her we needed to move forward or change the game. That's what started the 3 week NC. I knew she was once again conflicted about commitment to me, and whats worse, she started to casually meet others and go out. Of course, that was technically just fine, because she was never fully committed to me. Oh gawd -- so why do I want her so badly? Even though it has been such an up and down thing for all this time? I think she represents this perfect trophy for me maybe. Besides having a personality that fit tounge-in-groove with mine, we had fantastic sex, and she is head-turning gorgeous. She also turned into one of my best friends, and has given me support through my own tough times. In the end, she isn't ready for a commitment to me. So what do I do? I focus on the "me" part -- thinking that I'm somehow just not a good enough man, and I'll never find another woman as good as her. Yes, yes, poisonous thinking -- but hats where my mind goes. In my darkest hours I think about how she is meeting others, and what a wonderful time they are having, laughing, dancing, kissing, and making love. How do I stop that thinking? Yeah, I know -- get out, exercise, find another, blah, blah, blah. This is coming at such a tough time for me -- I'm buying a new house for myself, I have to conduct a happy-cheery week vacation with my kids, and work is incredibly busy. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide from the world. Anyway, I can predict the feedback I'm going to get -- so let me have it!
Jadey Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Notmakingsense, Im very sorry youre having such a tough time. I know how it is But to be honest all i can say to you is i know people say stop yourself thinking abou thm by meeting new people and being active, but you know what?I think sadly we just have to feel those crappy feelings, and deal with it. I know its really hard to think of them having a good time with other people etc, but my shrink says that you have to. If you dont do so and you keep pushing those feelings and thoughts youll never get over it. Its like facing ytour fears! So feel it, think it. Its like the grieving progress. Im afraid you have to go through it all to come out ok at the end. I know that everyone says it but..time heals. Youll always think of her,and have that feeling in your stomache,but with time it will fade. Take care,and im here if youneed to talk! Jade
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 or just think about YOU in the sack with some hottie!!
amylynn Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Hi NMS - Tried posting to this before and my browser quit on me (after quite a lengthy post...argh). Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm going through the same thing as you are (with recently divorced, commitment-fearing exbf) and go through many of the same emotions and thoughts as you. I can't get him out of my mind either, even though I'm technically "dating" (not sleeping with) another... plus, me and the ex's door was never closed and we're doing the "friends" thing...blah. It's not easy and often I just plain feel lonely even though I've been filling my time with friends, current "date" (he is well aware of where I stand), and just trying to do things in general that allow me personal growth....still, he lingers on in my mind...and lingers...and lingers.... Take Care and be well, Amy
amylynn Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 ....it really is an issue on her part....I've been doing a little reading on commitment issues and those issues do lay with those who have them rather than the other person who is affected by them. It really is quite unfair...my exbf fit it to a T....understandable considering that he was divorced 1.5 years prior to meeting me. Although I don't doubt that he cares about me and he says he still loves me, and although he was so damned persistant in persuing me, he just jumped the gun before he was truely ready....and, unfortunately, I'm the one that got/gets to suffer that consequence of his actions. Amy
Author notmakingsense Posted May 26, 2005 Author Posted May 26, 2005 Jadey -- know its really hard to think of them having a good time with other people etc, but my shrink says that you have to. If you dont do so and you keep pushing those feelings and thoughts youll never get over it. Its like facing ytour fears! So feel it, think it. Its like the grieving progress. Im afraid you have to go through it all to come out ok at the end. I know that everyone says it but..time heals. Youll always think of her,and have that feeling in your stomache,but with time it will fade. Oh no -- really? You suggest actually letting myself think about that? Thats when I feel the worst -- because it makes me feel like a man who won't be able to get someone like her again MWC -- or just think about YOU in the sack with some hottie!! Yes, I'll try. Thing is -- whenever I look at other women and let my mind wander my mind returns to her and how great we were in bed. I mean -- she was part of the best experience I've ever had, and I've dated quite a bit -- so I believe that the odds of me finding that experience again are very low amylynn -- Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm going through the same thing as you are (with recently divorced, commitment-fearing exbf) and go through many of the same emotions and thoughts as you. I can't get him out of my mind either, even though I'm technically "dating" (not sleeping with) another... plus, me and the ex's door was never closed and we're doing the "friends" thing...blah. It's not easy and often I just plain feel lonely even though I've been filling my time with friends, current "date" (he is well aware of where I stand), and just trying to do things in general that allow me personal growth....still, he lingers on in my mind...and lingers...and lingers.... Very similar to my situation -- except I have just tried to close the door on the friends thing -- at least until I know I can face her and still feel at peace with the fact that we are apart. I have a feeling that this is going to take me a very long time! ....it really is an issue on her part....I've been doing a little reading on commitment issues and those issues do lay with those who have them rather than the other person who is affected by them. It really is quite unfair...my exbf fit it to a T....understandable considering that he was divorced 1.5 years prior to meeting me. Although I don't doubt that he cares about me and he says he still loves me, and although he was so damned persistant in persuing me, he just jumped the gun before he was truely ready....and, unfortunately, I'm the one that got/gets to suffer that consequence of his actions. Again -- very close to my situation. She was divorced about 1.5 years before meeting me -- and out of a 17 year marriage with a person that cheated on her and is treating her very badly now. She used to tell me whenever we got together just how special I am to her and how much she loves me. Although I did the pursuing, she is now thinking that she needs to step back and go have fun and explore before getting tied down. I haven't heard the "I love you" come from her in a while though -- and I get panicked whenever I think about whether she's using her old "commitment" song-and-dance just to me nice to me when she let me down. Right now I'm not dating anyone, except I did go out on a date a week or so ago. Good thing she was a "talker" because I was totally distracted and thinking of my ex.
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