I think of breaking up with him

November 19, 2015

Hi, guys. I'm here as I'm about to break up with my boyfriend, it's tough decision and before doing that, I'd like to rethink everything and maybe hear some more opinions. I don't know, maybe I'll get some key questions from you that will help to take the right decision.

Maybe I'll start from what happened recently and then move to how we met and so on. I had a crush on the other guy recently. We've met twice, one I went to his place, should have left, but missed the bus and ended up spending whole night at his place. We talked till 4:30 AM and watched at each other. He tried to kiss me once, but I didn't let him do that. We didn't even hug each other, except when I came to his place and when I left. That's it. After that he didn't show much interest in me. Maybe I'm too nervous when I feel such a strong attraction, also wanted to know if he's ready for the relationship. I don't know, maybe that scared the guy, but now it's over. I guess, it's good that nothing else happened and won't happen.

The problem is that I do have a boyfriend (didn't tell that to the other guy). I'm now thinking of leaving him. I don't want to rush the decision as the story with the other guy only happened recently. I already told about this to my BF (didn't mention to him that I spent a night at his house, but told him pretty much everything else).

I have a feeling/thought that I probably felt this strong attraction because this would be a good reason to break up with my BF. I thought of leaving him strongly few times during the time we've been a couple. That was mostly about the fact that he doesn't have a job and I felt that I want to settle down, but only with a man who in the first place can take care of himself. I'll want children and someone will have to earn money while I'll be pregnant. Last time we had this conversation was in the end of May. I said that I'm thinking to break up with him because of this. It felt like he's not event trying to build his life (not necessary a job, maybe volunteering, doing some social activities, project or anything). I didn't want to be the strongest person in the relationship, I wanted an equal partner. When I talked to him my voice was just like cold blood, no emotions, I guess I was too tired from all these doubts at that point.

Then he started looking for a job. He started doing this properly. As he didn't have work experience, he didn't get any job, so he finished accounting courses and now keeps looking for a job. I'm certain he'll find it sooner or later.

Since that time, relationship was relatively good. We've talked about couple other things. He's a bit of Scrooge, that annoys me a lot. Looks for cheaper food, never bought me anything expensive. Well, let's take in hand that he doesn't earn any income, though he has money as he used to buy and sell stocks. For my birthday he bought a piece of cake that had discount as it was the last day you can eat that cake. I had to throw it way as we didn't eat this the same evening.

Another thing I worried about, was that he seems to be easily... well if he has some stressful situation, he feels stressed the whole day. Has a job interview and you can forget him that day as he'll be silent, thinking, all in himself. I was worried about the same thing again: I'll have to be the strong person as he might not be able to bear too much stress. Well, now it's kind of better. He got used to job interviews, though, I wonder how will it be when he'll face stress at job daily.

We've been best friend before we started having more intimate relationships. It happened after I broke up with the boyfriend, as I was sad and used to spend much time anyway, I told him about everything and somehow, after meeting with him for few more times, it happen that he started kiss me and it felt natural for me.

I was never crazy about him, as he was my best friends, we always had a good and strong relationship between the two of us. Besides what I mentioned above, he's a great person. He's caring, sensitive, we have many things in common, he's smart. I learned a lot from him as from a person.

But... but there is this but. I don't know if I didn't stay with him for wrong reasons. I really feel I no longer want him as a man, but I don't want to hurt him. He's the last person on earth I would want to hurt. Though I don't think I can lie to myself and imagine that everything will be fine from now on and we just need to work on this. Well, maybe it is so, but I'm also scared to stay with him just because we have this strong and relatively good relationship between us and then be unhappy and think of other guys all the time.

Uh, I don't know. It's tough decision. I'd like to make a brake for a month or so and see how I feel without him. He doesn't really want to make a break, just talks about when we'll meet the next time. Yesterday I told him few times that I want a break, that I need to rethink things. It's hard on him. He wasn't expecting this, he really felt happy with me.

November 19, 2015

Sorry, I wrote so much, though so little at the same time as well

We've been with him as a couple for a year and a half. We've been friends for maybe 5 years.

We talked with my friend yesterday, I feel I want a different kind of a man. I want a man I won't need to push finding a job or so. I want a man who can fully take care of himself, who can create a nice life for himself. The man with proper self esteem/self efficacy.

Though, at the same time I'd like a man to be kind off like my current boyfriend: caring, smart, not making any stupid conflicts for no reason.

November 19, 2015

Sorry, I can't stop writing now

Another thing that bugs me is how many doubts I had during our time being a couple. When we started having intimate relationships, I knew I'll hate it if he won't find any job, won't volunteer or just do something with his life. I couldn't hold it and told him about it. He really had hard times in life and had some issues, I can understand that. I told him that if after a year his situation won't change, I't won't be good for me.

I haven't done anything about it except that he started a Facebook group were he and his friends are posting their poems. I'm very happy that they've done it.

So, the conversation about breaking up happened in May, it was a year and 2 months since I told him that if nothing will change in a year, it won't be good for me.

When I think about it, I didn't have that many doubts when I was with my two previous boyfriends. I was certain I want to sustain the relationship and I wanted them as men. The problem is that one ex thought he doesn't love (after some time he realised he actually loved me, but it was too late). The other ex... Well, I'm still not too sure about it. I had to leave the country, he had his own plans as well. Maybe we just went to different directions, but I still thought that it could work out.

When I was with them, I didn't have even 5% of the doubts I had with my current boyfriend. That bugs me a lot.

November 19, 2015

OK,

I think I can give you some advise here.

Id say i have some similarities to your partner except for the bit about having no job.

Here is the most important piece of information I am going to give you:

HAVE YOU REALLY MADE AN EFFORT TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS, THUS GIVING HIM A CHANCE TO ACT ON YOUR NEEDS OR WISHES ?

Having been a male dumpee a few times, one thing I have noticed a lot is that female dumpers tend to do a lot of that thinking in isolation (as if the male partner is involved but actually they are clueless of the situation).

Let me give you a really good example of this. I had lunch with me ex who i broke up with 10 years ago (we dated for like 2 years).This girl was an overseas student who i saved from suicide, gave up here uni (although i tried so hard to keep her in uni), she had no job, was basically a complete mess, but I was attracted to her and did love her. I saved her from almost certain death id say.

I asked her at lunch why she broke up with me. She said she felt that I wasnt moving in the same direction as her, that I was inflexible and that I was content with where I was in my life (ie not looking to expand). I will admit that when I love someone, I do somehow fall into the trap of being content with things, but sometimes when we have what we want its tempting to feel that way.

But then when I thought about it, I kinda laughed. Here is someone with no job, who threatened suicide, dropped out of uni telling me who has a job, providing free rent and keeping her on track with uni that I am not moving in the right direction. You see the irony?

This was all happening inside her head and clearly not what was happening in reality.

Thinking about it later on, I came to my own conclusions later. When you and women say they want an equal partner, actually I believe they want more. They are looking for leadership in their male partner PERIOD !!!!! That's the only valid explanation and here is why.

You see if it was about being equal or even the woman leading and the man following the lead, couples probably wouldn't break-up. If my ex truly wanted to know if I was able to move in a similar direction (which at that stage was only in her head), she could have put those actions in place and see if I would step up to the plate. But she didn't do that, she simple just assumed I couldn't do it even though she hadn't done it herself.

Since I wasn't being a leader in her eyes, and leading us both into unknown territories, she sure as hell wasn't going to step up and lead the way. So she breaks up instead. I made this point to her at lunch and she denied it, saying that she was already "motivated" etc (meanwhile she has no job, dropped out of uni and is getting free board).

But that the harsh reality of relationships. Your partner wont tell you what to do, they expect you to know what to do. Sure they might give the odd warning but its usually fleeting at best.

Now dont get me wrong, I'm not saying the guy shouldn't know how to handle himself properly and how to best please his partner. Of course he should and if he doesnt he need to try to figure that out.

But at the end of the day, every woman has her own set of unique needs (some of which she cant even explain herself). Even if her guy knows what he should be doing and tries to better himself, most of the time that wont be enough without EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION to fix the missing bits.

COMMUNICATION really is king. After i talked to my ex a bit more she conceded and said that in hindsight she knows she gave up way to easily and trying to explain her needs to me could have no doubt saved the relationship.

I know you said u laid down the law a year ago or so but 1 chat in 18 months inst really enough. Some people talk everyday about such matters. If your talking everyday and hes still not listening, then that's totally different.

To summarise your bf is totally clueless about what is going on with you because almost all your thoughts are happening within yourself. Before you make a decision, really make sure that you have communicated your wishes fairly to him on a reasonably regular basis. Some guys need to be pushed and reminded a little more than others. Its certainly not all on you to tell him how he should run his life but anything you have and will communicate to him gives the relationship the best chance of success. Then you can truly say you really did try.

Edited November 19, 2015 by marky00

November 19, 2015