Am I doing something wrong

[Tank82]

I'll try to make this as short as possible. Met a girl about a year ago, she's 25 I'm 33. Right off the bat I hear about how her family has never been in her life, never loving, watched her parents cheat ĺin the act) on each other, drugs, jail etc. Never felt good enough, feels insecure, not important. Said she was raped and parents blamed her. Was in the hospital for a week and then boyfriend cheated on her and her parents never came to see her.

 

Tells me she has ADHD. Right off the bat there were lies upon lies followed by excuses for the lies. Noticed her apologies were always followed by finger pointing. "I'm sorry I called you names but you frustrated me".

 

Things got worse. She moved in with me and everytime we would argue be it serious or something petty, it was so easy for her to pack her things and leave. Even if it was her fault I wouldn't hear from her, I was the one to have to initiate contact and most of the time apologize for things I wasn't guilty of in order to reestablish comminication. I felt it was her place to own up to her wrongs but I was always doing it. I told her numerous times that the leaving so easily over small things isn't the answer and we needed to be adults and talk about things and not turn our backs om each other. Yet she continued to do so. Once I told her I was going to shower and she threatened to leave of I left her on the couch to shower. I thought she was joking, when I got out she was gone.

 

During the times she would leave days would go by I wouldn't hear from her. Once contact was established I would find out she had contacted guys from her past, be it just casual conversation or to vent about us. Both of which I never agreed with. I explained to her how that's very damaging to us and no matter how upset I was I would never include outsiders from my past into our relationship. She would run me down to her family. Talk ugly to me on the phone when she has an audience. No matter what she did it was always repetitive and she blamed me. Somehow someway she was going to make it my fault. When I would express my concern or question her because of the insecurities I developed from her lies, flaking out and instability, then I was the annoying controlLing boyfriend. Basically I had no right. Once she got pissed and left me in a hotel 6 hours away from home and refused to come get me. The sad part is it was a trip to take a class that I paid for her to take because she didn't have the money.

 

I'm constantly told **** you, leave me alone, I want space, but she will contact me during this time of "space". I'm made to feel that standing up for myself and feelings are wrong and I should juat take her **** or else there's the door as she calls it.

 

I suspect she has bipolar. As she has extreme lows where she sleeps for days on end and sounds so miserable. And then extreme mood swings or highs bouncing off the walls. One thing is when I'm trying to habe a serious conversation with her she wants to tickle and joke. I tell her to please stop and she continues. It's not until I get rude with her before she stops tickling me. I tell her there is a time and place for joking. During a serious conversation isn't the joking time. In return I'm told that I wont let her be herself. I feel like I have to explain to this girl how to behave like an adult and a girlfriend m things that's should be known by her. I feel like a parent raising a child. I have to tell her lying is bad, be responsible and compassionate etc. Things she should know. She says she wants to be treated as an adult yet she leaves me no choice. Her actions and words are irresponsible. Her words are not trustworthy.

Am I losing my mind? Why won't she treat me any better. Why am I the bad guy. I don't even know which way is up or down I'm so confused.

Edited November 19, 2015 by Tank82
....

[MidwestUSA]

Surely you mean 'what DID I do wrong?'

 

This. Mainly the last five words. Why would you sign up for this?

 

 

'Right off the bat there were lies upon lies followed by excuses for the lies. Noticed her apologies were always followed by finger pointing. "I'm sorry I called you names but you frustrated me".

 

Things got worse. She moved in with me.'

 

 

 

You didn't mention what you even see in her. Not one positive quality. You might want to read up on borderline personality disorder. Good luck.

[Buddhist]

Am I losing my mind? Why won't she treat me any better. Why am I the bad guy. I don't even know which way is up or down I'm so confused.

 

Because she is fundamentally damaged and needs professional therapy and possibly medication too. You can't love her into a better space. She's learned her relationship habits from a crazy family and that won't be undone with a single relationship.

 

If the relationship feels crazy-making it is. She won't ever treat you fair because she's just running a pathological disorder program. She has no concept of fairness or relationship either by the sounds of it. She is completely consumed with herself.

 

Walk away now if you want to save your sanity. She's not your problem to fix and it will be probably decade after starting therapy before she is able to have a normal relationship...IF she ever gets that far.

[Tank82]

I've tried and tied to get her in therapy but it's always "put off". I've even offered to go with her to make hwr feel more comfortable but it's never followed through with.

[MidwestUSA]

I've tried and tied to get her in therapy but it's always "put off". I've even offered to go with her to make hwr feel more comfortable but it's never followed through with.

 

Why? Exactly what will you gain from investing in her? You still haven't mentioned one positive trait of hers.

[Buddhist]

I've tried and tied to get her in therapy but it's always "put off". I've even offered to go with her to make hwr feel more comfortable but it's never followed through with.

 

All the more reason to cut your losses now. The fact that you seem so attached to her is a pretty big indicator that you could benefit from therapy too. Why not focus on that? It sounds like you've been sucked in by the dynamic and are heading down the path of being co-dependant. No healthy person would put up with this for a year. She's not even open to the idea of therapy so its completely hopeless. Get out now, this can't be fixed.

[Glitters]

Are you doing something wrong? Yes

 

She is not in a place to date you or anyone. She needs help

[Lois_Griffin]

Right from the START, this girl had more freakin' baggage than the United Airlines Terminal at JFK Airport.

 

There were SO many flags flying all over the place, it probably looked like the starting line of the Indy 500.

 

And your response to all these flashing red lights was to move her IN?

 

Smh.

[planb1973]

Forget getting therapy for her. You cant fix her or change her. And if you choose to stay I suggest loads of therapy for yourself so you can figure out why you choose to stay in such a relationship.

 

The damage a toxic relationship like this one will haunt you for a long time. Run like hell away from this one and figure out what about yourself you don't love enough that you allow this in your life.

[Tank82]

Truth is there isn't much I have to say about her that is positive. Initially it was good conversation with lots in common. She seemed caring and compassionate. But the childlike games slowly began and the focus was me on her behavior rather than getting to know one another.

 

I don't know why I let her move in. Bad judgment error. I assumed it would help things. I agree I need to figure out why I don't have any respect for myself as to allow this and stay with it.

[LostOnes05]

You've got to learn to walk and not look back. No contact means no contact, even if she comes with a sob story about how much pain you've caused her etc.

[joseb]

Am I doing something wrong?

 

Yes. You are staying with someone when right from the start you knew she was nuts. Most people hide it better for a while. You got all the warnings and chose to ignore them. Why? That's what you need to work on.

As soon as you kick her out of your place and your life.

[Tank82]

I just never thought that just because someone had issues that it would affect the relationship. I thought I could show her that there is real love, happiness and people don't have the barbaric behavior that she's accustomed to.

[xcupid]

I just never thought that just because someone had issues that it would affect the relationship. I thought I could show her that there is real love, happiness and people don't have the barbaric behavior that she's accustomed to.

You're not her therapist. You're not her rescuer. She needs professional help. Simply put, you and your girlfriend are not compatible.

[Oregon_Dude]

I just never thought that just because someone had issues that it would affect the relationship.

Yowch.

 

Welcome to Psychology 101, young man.

[LuckyLady13]

Are you doing something wrong? Tank, do you want the whole list or the short version?

 

- At the first sign of lies, you stayed.

 

- When she was quick to leave, you'd try to manipulate her back into your life by calling her ("initiating contact", as you call it) and trying to tell her she's not being an adult if she's not talking to you.

 

- When she wasn't living with you and left, she had every right to talk to her ex-boyfriends, whether you agreed to it or not.

 

You've tried many tactics to manipulate her into a relationship with you. She leaves easily because that's what she wants.

 

She's accused you of being controlling and you admitted to trying to control her thoughts, feelings and actions:

 

- I felt it was her place to own up to her wrongs but I was always doing it. I told her numerous times that the leaving so easily over small things isn't the answer and we needed to be adults and talk about things and not turn our backs om each other.

 

- I tell her there is a time and place for joking.

 

- I have to tell her lying is bad, be responsible and compassionate etc. Things she should know. She says she wants to be treated as an adult yet she leaves me no choice.

 

This is not how a relationship works. You don't look down your nose at the person you want to be with and tell them how to behave, think and live their lives. This is dysfunctional on your end as much as hers. She had baggage and problems from her past and does not need your unprofessional advice constantly shoved down her throat. You are trying to control everything about her.

 

You really should leave her alone to find love with someone who is understanding of her and doesn't want to change her into someone else.

 

...or guilt her into dating him.

[Downtown]

I suspect she has bipolar. As she has extreme lows where she sleeps for days on end and sounds so miserable. And then extreme mood swings or highs bouncing off the walls.

Tank, perhaps she does have bipolar-1, which would explain the "extreme mood swings" and mania you mention. However, most of what you describe -- e.g., her hard childhood, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, childlike behavior, low self esteem, lack of impulse control, and sudden flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), not bipolar.

 

Moreover, even if she does suffer from bipolar-1, there is still a 36% chance she also suffers from co-occurring BPD. I mention this distinction because, whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medications will not make a dent in it.

 

Her family has never been in her life, never loving, watched her parents cheat ĺin the act) on each other, drugs, jail etc.

Whereas bipolar is believed to be caused by a change in body chemistry, BPD is believed to be caused by family-of-origin issues (i.e., early childhood abuse and/or a genetic predisposition inherited from one parent). Indeed, in a recent large-scale study, 70% of BPDers reported that they had been abused or abandoned in childhood.

 

No matter what she did it was always repetitive and she blamed me. Somehow someway she was going to make it my fault.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), her blaming you for every misfortune is primarily done to "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This is why a BPDer will stay with you only as long as you continue to play one of two roles: "Rescuer" or "Perpetrator." During the honeymoon period, for example, you were the "Rescuer" -- which implies she must be the victim because you were trying so hard to save her from unhappiness (her depression).

 

With a BPDer, however, your rescuing days start becoming briefer and farther apart when her infatuation begins to evaporate. So, increasingly, your role becomes that of "Perpertrator," i.e., the cause of her unhappiness and source of her every misfortune. Toward that end, a BPDer typically maintains a mental list of your every infraction -- and she will pull out the entire list every time you have a fight, no matter how small the issue.

 

I'm constantly told **** you, leave me alone, I want space, but she will contact me during this time of "space".

If she is a BPDer, you are always in a lose/lose predicament no matter what you do. The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you draw close to assure her of your love and devotion, you will trigger her engulfment fear, making her feel suffocated and controlled. Yet, as you back away to give her "space," you unavoidably are drawing closer to triggering her abandonment fear.

 

This conundrum will be especially apparent in her unending cycle of pushing you away (by creating a fight over absolutely nothing) and then pulling you back (by love bombing you and providing makeup sex). It also will be apparent in the way she insists on space and, then, while you're giving it to her, she will repeatedly contact you. Because a BPDer has a fragile ego and little sense of who she really is, she desperately needs to have a man with a strong personality around to provide that missing self identity. This is why BPDers typically HATE to be alone for very long.

 

I feel like I have to explain to this girl how to behave like an adult.... I feel like a parent raising a child.

If your GF is a BPDer, you essentially have a parent/child relationship, not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The reason is that BPDers typically experienced a trauma in early childhood that froze their emotional development at the level of a 3 or 4 year old child. This is why they are fully reliant on the ego defenses available to young children. These include, e.g., projection, denial, black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.

 

Tells me she has ADHD.

Some psychologists believe adult ADHD may be the same thing as -- or perhaps a subset of -- Borderline Personality Disorder (see, e.g., Adult ADHD and BPD).

 

Am I losing my mind?

Tank, if you've actually been living with a woman having strong BPD traits, it is not surprising that you feel like your may be losing your mind. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious -- by far -- for making the abused partners feel like they may be going crazy. (To a lesser extent, narcissists also have this effect on the partners.) The result is that therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are losing their minds -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

I therefore suggest that you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both disorders. Significantly, learning to spot these signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD and BP-1 may help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion -- and may help you avoid a very painful experience, e.g., avoid taking her back or running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. Take care, Tank.

[Tank82]

I shouldn't have to explain to a grown adult woman how to behave responsibly as a partner in a relationship. When she left we didn't break up, that's her way of dealing with issues. As an adult dealing with issues so that in the long run they don't resurface, is to discuss them. There's on so much "understanding her" one can do before that person becomes a door mat and loses all respect for himself. I contacted her, even though it was her choice to leave because I care for the long term detrimental effects of the relationship. No one tried to manipulate anyone here. Having an adult conversation with someone who can not manage being told that she is in the wrong is apart of taking ownership of your side in the relationship. She doesn't see it, doesn't want to see it. I can only bite my tongue for so long before things got worse.

[Tank82]

@Downtown

 

Wow, everything you've described is spot on. I'll definitely read up on it. I wish things were not this way. Maybe one day she will get the help she needs. Somethig definitely isn't right.Thank you for taking the time to type all that.

[MidwestUSA]

@Downtown

 

Wow, everything you've described is spot on. I'll definitely read up on it. I wish things were not this way. Maybe one day she will get the help she needs. Somethig definitely isn't right.Thank you for taking the time to type all that.

 

LOL, I should have referred you to Downtown in my first post, but I see he found you.

 

Yea, it all sounds familiar. Good luck to you.

[Tank82]

@Downtown

 

Just as expected; last few days have been great. She came to my house, heard all the I love you and I miss you comments. I had to go to work and she came to my place and cleaned etc. The very next day (yesterday) out of the blue she tells me she can't stand me, I'm the worst bf ever. When asked about her behavior the few days prior her comment was she did all that just to make me happy. At this point I'm confused.

 

During this horrific conversation she tells me she doesn't deserve anyone good. That she can't forgive herself for the bad things done to us in the begining etc. I expressed that I had long forgiven her yet she stated it didn't matter.

 

I told her I assumed we were making good ground, in which I scheduled us a couples counseling appointment to which she replied "well I guess you're the fool for assuming that"

 

I'm just floored at the extreme polar opposite behavior and how cold and hurtful she is. I've since deleted any and everythg of her off my cell and social media.

 

It's rediculas that I can't plan anything with her any more than a day in advance because at the drop of a hat she flips out and all plans are canceled. Our vacation was planned,canceled and planned and canceled again because she kept flaking out. This is one of many examples. This week it was thanksgiving dinner. Now I've spent all this money on food to cook and she pulls this.

 

I'm so confused I begin to wonder is: I should have just continued to be a door mat and not say anything. If I was patient enough. If I had done enough or should I have done things differently. Did I do the right thing for standing up for myself.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Tank82
Edit paragraph

[Downtown]

@Downtown, Just as expected; last few days have been great.

Yes, Tank, that improvement is to be expected if she has strong BPD traits. That's the way emotionally unstable people behave. Like smokers who are "quitting" and throwing away their packs every six weeks, BPDers typically will be seen dramatically improving their behavior periodically. What you're seeing with a BPDer, however, is simply one more upswing in the unending roller coaster ride.

 

When asked about her behavior the few days prior her comment was she did all that just to make me happy. At this point I'm confused.

Well, that's a big improvement! Just a week ago you were asking, "Am I losing my mind?" Being "confused" is a big step up from that. As I tried to explain above, it is extremely disorienting to date a BPDer because she is so unstable she will flip in seconds from adoring you to devaluing you (or even hating you). Hence, if your GF really is a BPDer, you will save yourself enormous grief by simply perceiving of her as a four year old in the body of a 25 year old. Despite all the passion and sex, what you have with a BPDer is a parent/child relationship.

 

During this horrific conversation she tells me she doesn't deserve anyone good. That she can't forgive herself for the bad things done to us in the beginning etc.

If she is a BPDer, her subconscious mind protects her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. This is why a BPDer typically has very little self awareness -- and is why she nearly always refuses to acknowledge her mistakes or accept responsibility for her bad decisions.

 

Yet, even a BPDer will occasionally get a fleeting glimpse of the damage she has done. These temporary insights are called "moments of clarity" and they may last for several hours or even a day or two. Then they are gone and will have absolutely no lasting effect whatsoever. My BPDer exW, for example, had 5 or 6 such moments during the 15 years I lived with her.

 

I expressed that I had long forgiven her yet she stated it didn't matter.

If she is a BPDer, she likely is right. It didn't matter that you had forgiven her. A BPDer has a bottomless pit of need that is impossible to fill up. She therefore has a powerful need to create lots of drama so as to create sufficient conflict and intense feelings to distract her from that terrible feeling of emptiness. This means that, when you "forgive her" of one infraction, she will have to create a new infraction (that she is not yet forgiven for) to sustain the drama. Significantly, BPDers generally are interested only in creating drama, not finding solutions or workable compromises.

 

I told her I assumed we were making good ground, in which I scheduled us a couples counseling appointment to which she replied "well I guess you're the fool for assuming that."

Again, I agree with her -- if she has strong BPD traits. Instead of "making good ground," you were simply on an upswing in the roller coaster ride, as I noted above. As to couples counseling, that likely will be a total waste of time and money if she is an untreated BPDer, because her issues go far beyond a lack of simple communication skills.

 

It's ridiculous that I can't plan anything with her any more than a day in advance because at the drop of a hat she flips out and all plans are canceled.

I had the same problem with my BPDer exW. I quickly learned that it was folly to plan any more expensive trips because she probably would sabotage the trip right in the middle, if not near the beginning. With BPDers, their very WORST behavior tends to occur immediately after, or during, the very BEST of times -- because they cannot tolerate intimacy for very long. It makes them feel suffocated and engulfed.

 

Should I have just continued to be a door mat and not say anything? If I was patient enough? If I had done enough or should I have done things differently? Did I do the right thing for standing up for myself?

If most of the 18 BPD Warning Signs sounded very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. I believe that discussion will answer most of these questions you raise. If you want further clarification, I will be happy to join Midwest, Jose, and the other respondents in discussing the questions with you, Tank.