SunlightJune Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 (edited) I have been in such a depressed state over this situation. My ex married his ex girlfriend 4 months after we broke up. He is in the military and he was deploying, he got married to her a month before he deployed. They dated for 9 months and broke up, he then met me and we dated for 5 months. He made so many hints about marrying me, spending the rest of his life with me, I really thought he was the one. But he was also really speeding up our relationship which made me feel pressured. I'm in my early 20s, he's in his late 20s. Long story short, I stupidly broke up with him because well, I was having a lot of anxiety and basically freaked out about the rushed commitment, I'm not even sure why because I thought it was what I wanted. All I really remember is the huge relief I felt immediately following the break up. Then the crushing regret started to sink in. He attempted to see me again, but I was still on the fence about everything. Something didn't feel right. My gut was telling me something was wrong. I recall one night his roommate made an off-handed comment saying, "Those two girls who were here last night..." my ex immediately rushed me into his bedroom and said "I'm going to beat him up for saying that." I said "Two girls were here last night?!" He made up some BS story about two drunk chicks from his apartment complex who needed to spend the night. In hindsight, I now realize those two drunk girls was his ex gf and her friend. After he got married, which I found out on social media, I started piecing everything together. She's only 21 and apparently they're very much into having threesomes because she's bisexual. I found this out after he once asked me if I would ever have a threesome. He said he did them all the time with his ex. After I tried contacting him a couple months after he got married (at this time I didn't know he was married otherwise I wouldn't be contacting him at all) He said, "I'm with someone but she likes girls too if you're into that. We like to have fun." I texted him back saying, "You're in an open relationship? I'm not into that but I'm glad you're happy." he said "Yea and ok sorry :/ but thanks." He's married! What kind of a wife would be okay with that? Especially a young wife who just got married? I am disgusted. I cried all night that night. Like loud chest-gasping sobs type-crying. This woman gets to be a stay at home wife, selling things online as her 'job' and here he is having wonderful threesomes with his bisexual wife who is younger than me (by two years, but still). I'm heartbroken over this entire situation, just the mental image of him getting down on one knee for her, the possible cheating on me, their wedding day, the dress, the cake, the honeymoon - knowing all of that could have been me instead, just kills me inside. I realize I was the one who broke up with him, and many of you might think I got what I deserve, so please don't leave any rude comments, but I'm really looking for some words of comfort and advice. I feel like she's living the life I should have had. He got married 4 months after we broke up. I feel like I messed up the cosmos. He's obviously a pig, but there they are having a wonderful new life - and here I am, alone and regretful. I'm jealous of her care-free life and his over-sexed relationship, while I'm over here crying and working my ass off. She won the prize. He chose her - just like her stupid relationship pinterest board says. I stumbled on their pinterest board that they have together - full of "my husband is my everything" and "romantic date ideas for your new wife". Gag. Sincerely, Gagging on Regret (I also forgot to mention - I started begging for him back only a few weeks after he stopped begging for me back, so its not like much time had elapsed. Very close to his wedding date (unknown to me) He had asked me to meet him at a hotel at night. My gut told me not to go, so I declined. I had no idea he was engaged, and basically asking to sleep with me shortly before his wedding. For all I know, they were probably already living together by then. Right before he deployed, he sent me a text saying he didn't know what he wanted but that we lost a lot of time and he wasn't looking for that anymore. I just wish he would have been honest with me and told me he got married. I waited for months for his return, only to find out on social media that he was married, then I did the math and put two-and-two together). Edited November 19, 2015 by SunlightJune
minimariah Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 few years from now - you'll congratulate yourself on dumping him. trust me. surround yourself with people who love you, find a new hobby, do things you like and focus on moving forward. go strict no contact and block him everywhere. with time, you will get over him. 1
Author SunlightJune Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Why would I congratulate myself on dumping him? I really cant see the light at the end of the tunnel
basil67 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I'm certainly not being harsh on your for ending things - you made a correct call there. It seems to me that your thoughts are more on the romance of marriage and not the practicalities. "just the mental image of him getting down on one knee for her, [snip] their wedding day, the dress, the cake, the honeymoon - knowing all of that could have been me instead, just kills me inside." All the stuff you've written there is fluff. This isn't marriage that you're jealous of - it's the party you're jealous of. It's the 'princess for a day' that you're jealous of. FLUFF I tell you. You will see the light at the end of the tunnel when you realise that you didn't end up married to a pig (your word) who rushes into marriage and wants threesomes (which you find disgusting). The only thing you did wrong when you broke up was to wait for him to return from his deployment. If you end a relationship, you don't wait for them - you move on. 1
Author SunlightJune Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Thank you Basil. Just the thought of him being with another woman makes me sick, I can't imagine how his wife is okay with sharing him with another woman in bed, just makes absolutely no sense to me. That's not what a marriage is. But I realize its not my business anymore.
basil67 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Thank you Basil. Just the thought of him being with another woman makes me sick, I can't imagine how his wife is okay with sharing him with another woman in bed, just makes absolutely no sense to me. That's not what a marriage is. But I realize its not my business anymore. Actually, it's not what you want your marriage to be. Others can and will have a marriage to reflect how they want it to be. Try not to judge.
NoLeafClover Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Why would I congratulate myself on dumping him? I really cant see the light at the end of the tunnel That's a good song...the hint is in my username. Fortunately for you, this is simply a temporary thing and it won't just be a freight train at the end of the tunnel. Life goes on and you can't see the positivity in your action. Just give it time hun.
Author SunlightJune Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 I think I am starting to see the positivity of my decision by breaking up with him. I wouldn't want to be with a guy who would have just as easily married someone else. Like he was going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe" between us. I deserve better than that. I'm more shocked at how accurate my gut instinct was all along - thank you guardian angels!
K2z Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Unlike you, I was the dumpee. But my ex's wedding pix just went up on Facebook this week. And it's like being eviscerated. This is 7 months after she left our home to visit her sister in Europe. Nuclear winter. Tinman chest. Feel like I've had my innards cleaned out with an ice cream scoop.
Author SunlightJune Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 I'm sorry. That's why I don't bother with owning a facebook anymore. I've never seen the woman my ex married, and not having a face to the mental torment is a different kind of hell. Is she prettier than me? Uglier? Sometimes not knowing is even more frustrating.
K2z Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 My replacement is not prettier than me. But he won, and that's the period on the sentence. Now I am trying to figure out what the hell happened with the last few years of my life. Desperately trying to find some reason for self-esteem, although I feel like gutter puke.
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Sunlight You made the decision to end this relationship because somewhere deep down you knew the relationship with him wasn't what it was supposed to be. You had anxiety for a reason. You are young & so is he. Rushed marriages to deployed service personnel do not last. There are too many stressors & not enough foundation to keep the marriage together through the rough patches & the distance. He wanted to be married. He didn't really care who he married. Think about that. Why would you want a man who didn't truly love you but just wanted a warm body with a pulse to fill into a slot in his life he labeled "wife"? If your relationship was really the type that could stand the test of time he would have been happy with your slower time table before heading down the aisle. The fact that he was rushing you into marriage in 5 months is ridiculous. It shows him to be unstable. Him marrying the next girl who came around is problematic. The fact that she was an EX -- somebody with whom he already had a failed relationship -- further indicates that he had an agenda but doesn't make well thought out decisions.
Author SunlightJune Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 Thank you D0n, your post really helped me see through the emotional fog. I even told my friends and family it seemed like he just wanted "a warm body in a wedding dress". The fact that he begged for me back, makes it clear that this woman was in fact second choice. But I'm sure he thinks he made the right decision, considering she allows those threesomes. He must think he won the wife jackpot. Not something I want to be apart of. 1
Recommended Posts