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Counter-Benefits of Multi-Dating

Ic1

By Ic1
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Ic1 Established Member

Ic1

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've been dating actively for awhile now, and multi-dating for a bit. No regrets on it because it helped me find out what I really wanted faster, and I probably wouldn't have met one that ended up mattering most. This is because I probably wouldn't have dropped all other contacts to meet her.

 

After 5 dates over two weeks, talking about exclusiveness, and an amazing click that grows stronger but isn't drowning in attention, I've decided to cut off other dating. OLD accounts already disabled, now that there's no more conversations going on it, but there's others I've met and made contacts of that I'll have to update on my 'availability'. I won't be ghosting anyone.

 

What's on my mind is how two of the three I'd appreciate as friends. This is not to keep backups, but I actually like their company. One I already told we couldn't date because of the distance, but I see her about once a month due to mutual friends and events. Can't visit and have the same flirting now. Thoughts on best ways of approaching, or weather I can even attempt this? The third I have no interest in contact with I'll be telling something along the lines of: "You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

Edited by Ic1
lilmissjava Established Member

lilmissjava

Posted
Posted

You don't owe any of them explanations other than the fact that you aren't a good match and wish them the best.

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Ic1 Established Member

Ic1

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You don't owe any of them explanations other than the fact that you aren't a good match and wish them the best.

 

But I want to communicate to some that I'd like to be their friend still. They just have to know we'd only be friends.

ravfour4 Established Member

ravfour4

Posted
Posted

If they like you more than a friend then telling them you still want to be friends will lead them on perpetually and will potentially make them miserable. Don't do it.

 

If this new girl is so great, ditch your previous romantic interests and make some platonic friends. If you never did anything sexual with these women, then tell them you have a Gf and make them your friends.

  • Like 2
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted

Sounds like you want to keep at least one of them as a backup.

 

If you are serious about being exclusive with this new girl, you don't keep the second string on the bench just in case. That's not exclusive in my book.

  • Like 1
SandraTempleton Member

SandraTempleton

Posted
Posted

This line is patronizing bull****: "You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

Please don't say that to anyone.

  • Like 9
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

Posted
Posted

"You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

 

Sounds like a back handed complimented to me

  • Like 2
MoreAmore Established Member

MoreAmore

Posted
Posted

Be honest.

 

Hey, we can't date anymore, but I like you as a person and when you're ready for it to be purely platonic I would like to be friends.

 

If they flirt ever after that, first time, "I'm in a relationship. That is inappropriate." Second time, accept you can't be friends.

 

I've made great friends from dating that didn't pan out.

  • Like 3
MoreAmore Established Member

MoreAmore

Posted
Posted
"You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

 

Sounds like a back handed complimented to me

 

Oh yeah. Don't say that. Don't try that. Just say, it's not working out. Best of luck.

  • Like 1
Lois_Griffin Established Member

Lois_Griffin

Posted
Posted
The third I have no interest in contact with I'll be telling something along the lines of: "You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

You make it sound like you're this huge prize that she's simply not quite good enough to win, but if she keeps her expectations REAL high, she just might find someone even better than YOU. Jesus, how condescending.

 

Why don't you simply tell her that you've made a connection with someone and you'd like to see where that goes, and just wish her well?

  • Like 6
loveweary11 Established Member

loveweary11

Posted
Posted

Just tell the truth:

 

I met someone else and am getting exclusive with them.

 

The truth, phrased well, Is usually the best plan.

  • Like 3
Redfisher Established Member

Redfisher

Posted
Posted
You make it sound like you're this huge prize that she's simply not quite good enough to win, but if she keeps her expectations REAL high, she just might find someone even better than YOU. Jesus, how condescending.

 

Why don't you simply tell her that you've made a connection with someone and you'd like to see where that goes, and just wish her well?

 

I agree almost narcissistic no?

  • Like 1
central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted

How you phrase things depends on the person, really. I dated several women who weren't a match for a romantic relationship, but were great matches as friends. I was simply honest about that and told them I valued them as friends and would like to continue on that basis only if they were interested.

 

I still have several of those women as friends more than 15 years later, so I think it was a good decision for us both.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
: "You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

 

What a horrible thing to say a woman.

 

When you don't feel for women don't drag them into a 'friendship' to make you feel better by not fully rejecting them. Just tell her you don't feel enough chemistry to pursue further.

 

If you met someone you want to pursue with then don't waste time making female friends that will only bring confusion and misunderstanding with the new girl.

  • Like 1
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Ic1 Established Member

Ic1

Posted
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Posted
Sounds like you want to keep at least one of them as a backup.

 

If you are serious about being exclusive with this new girl, you don't keep the second string on the bench just in case. That's not exclusive in my book.

 

Unlike some men, I have more female friends than male friends. Your assumption of my intentions is depressing.

 

I agree with the wording/approach being of poor choice like many have pointed out though. I'll probably have to ask the others if they would be ok with me just as a friend, or if they need me to leave.

GunslingerRoland Established Member

GunslingerRoland

Posted
Posted

I don't think there is anything wrong with deciding to become friends with someone you went on a couple of dates with where there was no spark. I've had one friend for over 15 years that I met online and went on a couple of dates with.

 

 

"You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

 

But that sounds both A) mean (I don't find you attractive) and B) kinda corny.

  • Like 2
dads new boyfriend Member

dads new boyfriend

Posted
Posted

OP if you respect the new girl then you shouldn't even consider keeping the other girls around as "friends".

Unlike some men, I have more female friends than male friends.

Are these girls platonic friends or girls that you've also friend zoned?

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
Unlike some men, I have more female friends than male friends. Your assumption of my intentions is depressing.

 

Sooo.... maybe ask your other legitimate female friends how to do this transition?

 

 

If you have other female friends, it has to have come up before. Why is it such a mystery with these new women if you weren't trying to keep them in your dating corral?

  • Author
Ic1 Established Member

Ic1

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Are these girls platonic friends or girls that you've also friend zoned?

 

Sooo.... maybe ask your other legitimate female friends how to do this transition?

 

 

If you have other female friends, it has to have come up before. Why is it such a mystery with these new women if you weren't trying to keep them in your dating corral?

 

I have many only ever platonic female friends, but there's never been such a complication between us. One reason my girl friends like me is because they're not worried I have any alternative motives to get a girlfriend and want a to be good friend. A guy they don't have to worry about trying to 'make a move', and I've never dated them before.

 

I should simply ask them about how to approach these girls I've gone on dates with to 'friend-zone', because this thread has been little help.

Odinani Established Member

Odinani

Posted
Posted
I've been dating actively for awhile now, and multi-dating for a bit. No regrets on it because it helped me find out what I really wanted faster, and I probably wouldn't have met one that ended up mattering most. This is because I probably wouldn't have dropped all other contacts to meet her.

 

After 5 dates over two weeks, talking about exclusiveness, and an amazing click that grows stronger but isn't drowning in attention, I've decided to cut off other dating. OLD accounts already disabled, now that there's no more conversations going on it, but there's others I've met and made contacts of that I'll have to update on my 'availability'. I won't be ghosting anyone.

 

What's on my mind is how two of the three I'd appreciate as friends. This is not to keep backups, but I actually like their company. One I already told we couldn't date because of the distance, but I see her about once a month due to mutual friends and events. Can't visit and have the same flirting now. Thoughts on best ways of approaching, or weather I can even attempt this? The third I have no interest in contact with I'll be telling something along the lines of: "You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

 

Please do not send this message. It's cringeworthy.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
But I want to communicate to some that I'd like to be their friend still. They just have to know we'd only be friends.

 

OLD is not for seeking friendships -- it's for seeking dating partners/relationships. There are other sites for friendships. If you're on a dating site and they are seeking dating partners and you just want to be friends, move on. If they keep seeing you as a "friend" while in the back of the heads they had been hoping for a dating partner, they'll always have that in the back of their heads and hoping "it'll grow into more". They can say they'd be ok with just friends, but will they actually be OK with that?

 

Sure, people use OLD for hook ups, etc., but you are apparently using it for dating/relationships. Stick with that. Otherwise, you may find yourself being "friends" with more women than you can deal with . . . especially if this one doesn't work out and you go back to OLD.

SwordofFlame Established Member

SwordofFlame

Posted
Posted
OLD is not for seeking friendships -- it's for seeking dating partners/relationships. There are other sites for friendships. If you're on a dating site and they are seeking dating partners and you just want to be friends, move on. If they keep seeing you as a "friend" while in the back of the heads they had been hoping for a dating partner, they'll always have that in the back of their heads and hoping "it'll grow into more". They can say they'd be ok with just friends, but will they actually be OK with that?

 

Sure, people use OLD for hook ups, etc., but you are apparently using it for dating/relationships. Stick with that. Otherwise, you may find yourself being "friends" with more women than you can deal with . . . especially if this one doesn't work out and you go back to OLD.

There are plenty of women I've come across on okc and Tinder that state that they're only looking to make friends. Make of that, what you will.

Mrin Established Member

Mrin

Posted
Posted

It is super simple:

 

For the ones you want to remain friends with:

 

I've met someone who I've developed some strong feelings for. I am going to exclusively focus on where things go with her. I really enjoyed getting to know you and hope we can remain friends.

 

For the one you don't want to keep as a friend:

 

I've met someone who I've developed some strong feelings for. I am going to exclusively focus on where things go with her. I really enjoyed getting to know you and the time we spent together.

 

Now, most women do not take rejection well. They'll probably say something to the effect of "Wow! I'm really happy for you! Of course we can be friends!" and will promptly delete your number. That's okay. That's just how it is.

  • Like 1
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Ic1 Established Member

Ic1

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
It is super simple:

 

For the ones you want to remain friends with:

 

I've met someone who I've developed some strong feelings for. I am going to exclusively focus on where things go with her. I really enjoyed getting to know you and hope we can remain friends.

 

For the one you don't want to keep as a friend:

 

I've met someone who I've developed some strong feelings for. I am going to exclusively focus on where things go with her. I really enjoyed getting to know you and the time we spent together.

 

Now, most women do not take rejection well. They'll probably say something to the effect of "Wow! I'm really happy for you! Of course we can be friends!" and will promptly delete your number. That's okay. That's just how it is.

 

Thank you. You're italicised suggestions of words will be taken heavily into consideration when I approach the other women.

 

 

I've talked to my girlfriend about these other ones, and she's told me she'll be fine with being a friend of them. If she had a problem with me being friends of other women: Red Flag. But I'd understand if she had a problem with these two I've been on a date with.

Edited by Ic1
grammar
Amalyn Established Member

Amalyn

Posted
Posted
"You're a pretty girl, but I don't see you as beautiful as someone else could. Keep your bar high with men, and I'm sure you can find one that makes you smile more than me."

 

Please, please, please do NOT say this to her. She will not take that as a compliment.

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