edgygirl Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I am part of several meetup.com groups but never really make the effort to go to any event. There is one specific group I finally felt like attending, and I even shifted my eve social schedule this week to do so. That was until the group organizer started sending me private emails. At first he was just nice and welcoming. It turned weird though when he started saying that he looked at my picture again and "how stunning" I am, a "stunning woman", and that "I've been blessed", etc. He said "this is probably not politically correct, but"... Yeah, it's not. I think I am becoming American after 10 years here... in my country of origin I wouldn't be disgusted / turned off to be hit on out of nowhere, but I felt really uncomfortable and disturbed. I don't think it's adequate to hit on someone who never showed they were welcoming such an advance in a meetup group situation. Of course, I am not attending the event anymore. Am I over reacting?
mrldii Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Personally, I'd still go. I wouldn't let a man's unwanted attention - virtually OR in the real world - keep me from doing ANYthing I'd wanted to do. But, I've been an American woman my whole 55-year-long life, so I'm probably just a bitch, like that. 6
joseb Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Yeah i would just go and ignore him. Would you stop online dating if one guy you were not attracted to messaged you? A lot of meetup groups cater for single people looking to meet others so it's not all that surprising that sometimes someone hits on you.
WomenWubber Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I wouldn't call that an over reaction. Not in America.
Author edgygirl Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 I wouldn't mind if he was just a group member, but he's the organizer / group owner! And there are only 10-11 people going. I didn't want to be put in an awkward situation I guess. It's specially funny because I always biatch that American men don't hit on women enough in "real life"... seems I got used to it 1
StBreton Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I wouldn't mind if he was just a group member, but he's the organizer / group owner! And there are only 10-11 people going. I didn't want to be put in an awkward situation I guess. It's specially funny because I always biatch that American men don't hit on women enough in "real life"... seems I got used to it Why would it be awkward? He's just a guy who thinks you're good looking. Yes he came on strong. If he follows up with any interest in you while at the event, simply say you think he's nice but you're not interested in dating right now or dating him or whatever. Maybe at my age I can let a guy down gently and banter a little to allow him to save face. I would definitely attend the event and sit or stand next to other people and keep busy talking with others. I wouldn't allow a guy's interest in me to lead to my changing my plans ... unless he was a known stalker. This guy's behavior doesn't qualify at this time. Go and enjoy yourself!
Author edgygirl Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 I'm usually like you StBreton, and very straight forward. Not sure why this bothered me so much. Maybe as I said it's because people don't do it often and these days I'm only used to meeting people through OLD (yuck!). I missed tonight's event, but I liked everyone's answers, and might go to the next one.
bluefeather Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Kind of a bad side of me speaking here but you could totally tease him, play along with his compliments (as long as they are within reason and not straight up piggish/sexually offensive to you) and be like "yeah I know I'm beautiful," and then when he finally works up the nerve to ask you out, be like "I can't date you, you're the group organizer!"
Author edgygirl Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Ah. Wrong person for that here. I HATE women who do that to men, I hate teasing and flirting with someone I have zero interested in. Always have and always will... Sorry. Kind of a bad side of me speaking here but you could totally tease him, play along with his compliments (as long as they are within reason and not straight up piggish/sexually offensive to you) and be like "yeah I know I'm beautiful," and then when he finally works up the nerve to ask you out, be like "I can't date you, you're the group organizer!" 1
bluefeather Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Ah. Wrong person for that here. I HATE women who do that to men, I hate teasing and flirting with someone I have zero interested in. Always have and always will... Sorry. I trust you didn't think I was 100% serious about that. Tongue in cheek, girl. 1
PegNosePete Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I wouldn't mind if he was just a group member, but he's the organizer / group owner! I totally agree with this. As a group organizer (when I was single) I would never have hit on potential new members. And if I found out members were doing this I would have words with them. Meetup dot com is not a dating site, it's about meeting up with like-minded people. If romances develop then that's another matter. But hitting on potential new members before they've even attended would be a big no-no for me. 3
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I don't see what difference it makes if he is the organizer or just a member. If his behavior makes you uncomfortable, that is every reason to stay away from him. Find another group & block him. Problem solved.
Author edgygirl Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 I wish it was that easy to find a similar group. This one is pretty focused on three specific things that are impossible to find together in any other group. Oh well. Find another group & block him. Problem solved.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 That was until the group organizer started sending me private emails. At first he was just nice and welcoming. It turned weird though when he started saying that he looked at my picture again and "how stunning" I am, a "stunning woman", and that "I've been blessed", etc. He said "this is probably not politically correct, but"... Yeah, it's not. I'd guess he's a decent guy but just lacking game. Unless you're outgoing, it can be hard for a guy to meet girls. I'd just tell him that, to keep things simple, you don't date people in your meetup group... Mr. Lucky
RedRobin Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 When I was in NY, I came to the conclusion that Meetup groups were effed up. Whenever I'd go to one, the guys would be trying to climb on like horseshoe crabs... and most of the women were spending their spare time trying to elbow out whomever they perceived as competition. Even in the activity related groups, there was always some insecure alpha b*tch or guy who felt it was their duty to 'screen' all the new people OR get first pick at the fresh meat. Really put me off Meetup groups. Then I just realized it was a local, cultural thing... and I moved. You might be in an area or culture where the quality of the Meetup groups aren't so great. I'd go one more time and see if the guy doesn't back off. Thing is... even if/when those guys back off, they don't always take it so well, then the gossip mongering and assorted baloney starts. I can see how you'd be put off... I mean, you just want to show up, do your thing, and go home, right? Maybe just tell him that... say "Hey, XX, Thanks for the nice words, but I'm really interested in just going to the activities here, and that's it." Maybe sign off with a compliment about one of the other things he organized and keep it business-like. 1
Gloria25 Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 (edited) I got a question... If you were attracted and/or interested in him would you find his gestures offensive? I say this cuz yes, I believe when some people aren't attracted to someone - they're quick to label them a "creepy", "annoying", "bugga-boo", etc. I say don't be so hard on the guy. Just let him know you're not interested and don't do anything to lead him on on. If he persists and you've made it clear that you're not interested, then I'm on your side that he's being inappropriate. BTW, in "meet-ups" yes, some people go to actually socialize, make friends, enjoy/share activities - but face it, a lot of people go to meet someone to date, so of course, this guy is gonna hit on you. And yes, although he's the "organizer" he's human. Now, if he hits on every chick new to the group, then maybe he's a pick-up artist and yea, he's being inappropriate. We got similar threads about this going on - whether or not a guy should approach, make a move, etc. So, how can you bash this guy when he's doing what men are expected to do - which is to hunt/pursue? Also, guys getting "rebuffed" so abruptly like you're describing is what turns off a lot of guys from taking a leap and approaching a woman. Worst, believe it or not, some men think that a "no" means they have to work harder. So again, cut the guy some slack. Let him know you're flattered but not interested. We can't walk around getting "offended" over things like this. I'm sure there's guys you've chatted up that didn't/weren't interested in you and you maybe even tried to persist...would you like it if that guy told people he knew that he found you "creepy", "inappropriate", "psycho" - when he simply wasn't interested/attracted towards you? Edited November 20, 2015 by Gloria25 2
PegNosePete Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 I don't see what difference it makes if he is the organizer or just a member. If his behavior makes you uncomfortable, that is every reason to stay away from him. Because if it's just another member you can carry on attending, and just ignore that guy - if he even turns up. If it's the organizer he'll definitely be there, and you're probably going to have to have contact with him, whether it's paying for your tickets or asking what time the event starts or signing the attendance sheet, or whatever. You're going to have to interact with the organizer a lot more than a random member who you might never see again anyway. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 I wish it was that easy to find a similar group. This one is pretty focused on three specific things that are impossible to find together in any other group.. How badly do you want this? Start a competing group that does the same thing. If he's as bad as you say, you probably aren't his 1st victim so you may have a ready-made audience.
Author edgygirl Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) Honestly? I didn't even click on his picture to have a closer look. I wasn't thinking about meeting someone in that group for "that". Even after he hit on me, I got a gut reaction against the idea of it, and didn't feel like clicking on his profile to have a look. Thing is, it's a group for people in my religion who are spiritual but not religious. In a way, I wanted to go there to do meditation (which is the theme this month)... it was supposed to be a place where I could relax. This whole thing made me anxious about going, killing whatever positive effect this could have. If this makes sense. I feel I can bash him because I never met him in my life and meetup is NOT a dating site. If we meet live in the group and he hit on me it would be fair... but not BEFORE I even went there. I am all for men hitting on women but it has to make sense. This didn't make sense. It felt creepy. I got a question... If you were attracted and/or interested in him would you find his gestures offensive? I say this cuz yes, I believe when some people aren't attracted to someone - they're quick to label them a "creepy", "annoying", "bugga-boo", etc. I say don't be so hard on the guy. Just let him know you're not interested and don't do anything to lead him on on. If he persists and you've made it clear that you're not interested, then I'm on your side that he's being inappropriate. BTW, in "meet-ups" yes, some people go to actually socialize, make friends, enjoy/share activities - but face it, a lot of people go to meet someone to date, so of course, this guy is gonna hit on you. And yes, although he's the "organizer" he's human. Now, if he hits on every chick new to the group, then maybe he's a pick-up artist and yea, he's being inappropriate. We got similar threads about this going on - whether or not a guy should approach, make a move, etc. So, how can you bash this guy when he's doing what men are expected to do - which is to hunt/pursue? Also, guys getting "rebuffed" so abruptly like you're describing is what turns off a lot of guys from taking a leap and approaching a woman. Worst, believe it or not, some men think that a "no" means they have to work harder. So again, cut the guy some slack. Let him know you're flattered but not interested. We can't walk around getting "offended" over things like this. I'm sure there's guys you've chatted up that didn't/weren't interested in you and you maybe even tried to persist...would you like it if that guy told people he knew that he found you "creepy", "inappropriate", "psycho" - when he simply wasn't interested/attracted towards you? Edited November 21, 2015 by edgygirl
Author edgygirl Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Ah. I know that's an alternative, but the theme is something I wanted to learn, not something I can really teach or so. Also, I don't have patience to be the organizer of a meetup group anyway. Thanks for your suggestions though. How badly do you want this? Start a competing group that does the same thing. If he's as bad as you say, you probably aren't his 1st victim so you may have a ready-made audience.
Author edgygirl Posted November 21, 2015 Author Posted November 21, 2015 Guess what city I am at? Yeah the culture here can suck big time. I like the business-like approach. But PegNosePete points are true... it was kind of off putting, not sure I can get over it. Let's see. When I was in NY, I came to the conclusion that Meetup groups were effed up. Whenever I'd go to one, the guys would be trying to climb on like horseshoe crabs... and most of the women were spending their spare time trying to elbow out whomever they perceived as competition. Even in the activity related groups, there was always some insecure alpha b*tch or guy who felt it was their duty to 'screen' all the new people OR get first pick at the fresh meat. Really put me off Meetup groups. Then I just realized it was a local, cultural thing... and I moved. You might be in an area or culture where the quality of the Meetup groups aren't so great. I'd go one more time and see if the guy doesn't back off. Thing is... even if/when those guys back off, they don't always take it so well, then the gossip mongering and assorted baloney starts. I can see how you'd be put off... I mean, you just want to show up, do your thing, and go home, right? Maybe just tell him that... say "Hey, XX, Thanks for the nice words, but I'm really interested in just going to the activities here, and that's it." Maybe sign off with a compliment about one of the other things he organized and keep it business-like.
bluefeather Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Honestly? I didn't even click on his picture to have a closer look. I wasn't thinking about meeting someone in that group for "that". Even after he hit on me, I got a gut reaction against the idea of it, and didn't feel like clicking on his profile to have a look. Thing is, it's a group for people in my religion who are spiritual but not religious. In a way, I wanted to go there to do meditation (which is the theme this month)... it was supposed to be a place where I could relax. This whole thing made me anxious about going, killing whatever positive effect this could have. If this makes sense. I feel I can bash him because I never met him in my life and meetup is NOT a dating site. If we meet live in the group and he hit on me it would be fair... but not BEFORE I even went there. I am all for men hitting on women but it has to make sense. This didn't make sense. It felt creepy. Wait what? You didn't even go once? Guess I read it wrong. I thought you went once and then got emails from him and stopped going. If he has only been hitting on you through email without meeting you at all, that is messed up and creepy. Yuck. Maybe he set up that group just to meet women like you. I might go one time just to check it out, but just leave early if it feels uncomfortable. But if you already feel put off, sucks but maybe you can have better luck just asking around for another group. On a side note: how can you be in a religion but not religious?
loveweary11 Posted November 21, 2015 Posted November 21, 2015 Honestly? I didn't even click on his picture to have a closer look. I wasn't thinking about meeting someone in that group for "that". Even after he hit on me, I got a gut reaction against the idea of it, and didn't feel like clicking on his profile to have a look. Thing is, it's a group for people in my religion who are spiritual but not religious. In a way, I wanted to go there to do meditation (which is the theme this month)... it was supposed to be a place where I could relax. This whole thing made me anxious about going, killing whatever positive effect this could have. If this makes sense. I feel I can bash him because I never met him in my life and meetup is NOT a dating site. If we meet live in the group and he hit on me it would be fair... but not BEFORE I even went there. I am all for men hitting on women but it has to make sense. This didn't make sense. It felt creepy. This makes complete sense. It's definitely not always appropriate for guys to try to hit on women and this is one of those cases. She's trying to go to a meetup for an interest and gets hit on instantly? Not cool of the guy... especially in the position of group leader. It's even worse that she can't lether guard down to appreciate the spirituality or w.e. this guy is probably faking to get girls. I remember my ex wife talking about a perv guy in wicca in ny that wouldn't leave the women alone. This isn't a regular guy hitting on girls, it's someone abusing their position. Definitely skeevy. 1
Author edgygirl Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 (edited) Thanks bluefeather. Answering your question, there are a lot of us Jews who consider ourselves "culturally Jewish but not religious". Meaning, we like the culture, we feel we belong to this culture (for various reasons such as family / ethnically / culturally / having a strong link to Israel), but we don't want or we're not into following all the religious traditions or being slightly / lightly / strongly religious. Hope this makes sense. Edited November 22, 2015 by edgygirl
Recommended Posts