online dating results so far

[tuxedo cat]

So I had my first two online dates in five years, both off OKCupid. I'm a little disappointed and trying not to get discouraged. I wasn't really interested in either guy. One was tiny. I later realized that I had neglected to check his height on his profile (5'4") so that's my bad. :/ Usually I don't care about height, but I've never been faced with such an extreme. It didn't help that everything about him reinforced a general impression of daintiness: from his voice, to his manner, to the fuzzy scarf he wore inside the bar. He reminded me of a vested woodland creature from a children's book, but with a subdued sleaziness. My second glance at his profile post date also revealed he was looking for "short term dating and casual sex." On the plus side, he was smart and funny, and had a successful career.

 

The second dude was attractive enough and intelligent but so formal and nerdy. He came to the bar dressed like Mitt Romney with a white cotton cardigan tucked into dad jeans. It just feels like if one thing is right, another is off. I tentatively agreed to a second date with him but not sure if I'll keep it (still need to confirm the details).

 

Should I just resign myself to a lot of weeding? Should I be more selective in whom I agree to a date with? I'm starting to wonder whether I'm just really bad at judging profiles. I have about 20 guys lined up who have asked me out on okcupid and tinder before I disabled my profile that I found attractive enough to consider, but now I'm questioning whether I'm looking for the right things in profiles. I don't exactly keep a mental checklist but I guess subconsciously what I want is:

 

-Average looking (above is a bonus) and my height or above (unless he's Tim Roth )

-Smart

-Funny

-Nice and able to commit

-Not completely clueless or out of touch when it comes to fashion

 

Aside from that I'm pretty open-minded. There are a lot of things I'm flexible on: politics, race, age, occupation to an extent.

Edited November 18, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[Gaeta]

Online dating takes time, a lot of time. It can take months or years before you find so don't get discouraged because of 2 failed dates. You did not even scratched the surface yet.

 

It's an experimentation. You can be completely open to meeting anyone and one day you'll have a surprise and meet someone interesting or you can be very conservative and screen men in and out but have less meeting in the same process.

 

I personally prefer just being laid back and go on dates with whom ever grabs my attention. I don't take it too seriously, I don't invest myself and don't put any hope in someone I met once or twice or even 3 times.

 

I have been doing it for 3,5 years and met 100+ men and I am still single. I know someone who's married with the 3rd man she met online dating. There is no recipe. Do as YOU wish, as YOU feel comfortable.

[tuxedo cat]

Online dating takes time, a lot of time. It can take months or years before you find so don't get discouraged because of 2 failed dates. You did not even scratched the surface yet.

 

It's an experimentation. You can be completely open to meeting anyone and one day you'll have a surprise and meet someone interesting or you can be very conservative and screen men in and out but have less meeting in the same process.

 

I personally prefer just being laid back and go on dates with whom ever grabs my attention. I don't take it too seriously, I don't invest myself and don't put any hope in someone I met once or twice or even 3 times.

 

I have been doing it for 3,5 years and met 100+ men and I am still single. I know someone who's married with the 3rd man she met online dating. There is no recipe. Do as YOU wish, as YOU feel comfortable.

 

Have you had any serious relationships come through online datong?

[Redfisher]

Online dating takes time, a lot of time. It can take months or years before you find so don't get discouraged because of 2 failed dates. You did not even scratched the surface yet.

 

It's an experimentation. You can be completely open to meeting anyone and one day you'll have a surprise and meet someone interesting or you can be very conservative and screen men in and out but have less meeting in the same process.

 

I personally prefer just being laid back and go on dates with whom ever grabs my attention. I don't take it too seriously, I don't invest myself and don't put any hope in someone I met once or twice or even 3 times.

 

I have been doing it for 3,5 years and met 100+ men and I am still single. I know someone who's married with the 3rd man she met online dating. There is no recipe. Do as YOU wish, as YOU feel comfortable.

 

Wow, And you have not found the one? Or do you just like dating?

 

That beng said back to the OP, Took me 8 online dates to find the one I even wanted to try with. Just stick to it and learn from each one.

[losangelena]

I will echo what others have said already. There is a huge learning curve when it comes to online dating. A lot of people get a few bad matches in the beginning and get discouraged. My biggest piece of advice is to push through that phase. As you begin to meet more men and read more profiles, you'll get a better sense of how men who are a good fit describe themselves, and you'll start understanding better who works and who doesn't.

 

I met 30 guys over the course of about 10 months. Out of those 30, I dated two casually (that is, for 4 - 6 weeks), had one three-month FWB, met a handful of others who I liked but things didn't go anywhere, and finally my ex, who I dated for a full year. So yeah, it can take a while. Good luck and most importantly, have fun.

[BluEyeL]

 

 

Should I just resign myself to a lot of weeding? I don't exactly keep a mental checklist but I guess subconsciously what I want is:

 

-Average looking (above is a bonus) and my height or above (unless he's Tim Roth )

-Smart

-Funny

-Nice and able to commit

-Not completely clueless or out of touch when it comes to fashion

 

Aside from that I'm pretty open-minded. There are a lot of things I'm flexible on: politics, race, age, occupation to an extent.

 

Do you resign to a lot of weeding? YES!! A LOT of weeding. The faster you weed them out the better.

 

About your checklist, some of those things should be eliminated. Funny has nothing to do with giving you a happy relationship. Fashion also has no place on your list.

 

Put only 3-4 characteristics on your list and they should ALL have to do with character: kindness is number one predictor of relationship success. Funny not so much. Watch a comedy together! Emotional stability is HUGE as well. Wants a serious relationship is critical. Has his life together career-wise and financialy, is completely free (no separated and such), he's agreeable (no anger problems, non-confrontational). Who cares if he's smart and funny and tall if he wants to have casual sex and treats you like sh*t? How he treats people around him, is he positive? These are traits I'd be looking for. And they are HARD to find. It's going to take a lot of weeding, unless you turn out lucky. The worst thing you can do is to waste time on exciting guys who don't want a relationship and are wishy washy.

 

Don't get hung up on looks either. I know "I can't make myself attracted to a man I don't like". Yes, you can to some extent, if you get to know him closer. Due to habituation, even Brad Pitt will be just your partner after a short while, so looks are not so critical. Of course there are some limits to that, but I suggest lenience on looks. Not important.

 

Good luck and especially patience.

[Ic1]

Took me 8 online dates to find the one I even wanted to try with. Just stick to it and learn from each one.

 

Ditto. Takes time, and you sort of have to learn how to truly interpret profiles. Take note on trends of what they say in it, and who they really are.

[BluEyeL]

Have you had any serious relationships come through online datong?

I am in a serious relationship going on 18 months now and is very happy through online dating. But met about 30 men and I was very focused and serious about it. I even had a dating coach after trying for about 1 year. After that it took 6 more months.

[Redfisher]

I am in a serious relationship going on 18 months now and is very happy through online dating. But met about 30 men and I was very focused and serious about it. I even had a dating coach after trying for about 1 year. After that it took 6 more months.

 

Great effort! I'm glad you met a good guy.

[KatZee]

He reminded me of a vested woodland creature from a children's book.

 

:lmao::lmao: Dead. Just dead.

 

Should I just resign myself to a lot of weeding?

 

^^ This.

 

There is a lot of garbage people involved in online dating.

 

My weeding process is ON POINT.

 

So on point that I've called off dates before they even happened. I actually just pulled this tonight. The guy I've been texting for two weeks just got really arrogant and nasty with me. We were supposed to meet up tomorrow. Not happening now!

[Mjm1014]

You have every right to be picky...not sure how old you are, but if you are serious about finding "the one" it's important you weed them out from the beginning before you take things further by just being luke warm then finding out later he isn't matching up to what you wanted.

 

Here's my suggestion- take your time, go on LOTS of dates (no one says you have to be exclusive with the person after the first date-so just have fun meeting new people and don't stress). Worst case, you met a new friend.

 

I've done the whole Tinder thing, along with okcupid, and have been on countless dates with people over my life. Some turned into a relationship, most never got past the first date but again, I'm okay with that. Didn't burn any bridges either!

 

Again, don't stress, it was only two dates! You'll meet the one you're looking for, it's too early to give up! Good luck.

[PegNosePete]

Should I just resign myself to a lot of weeding?

Yes. But this is no different than "offline" dating, is it? Other than ruling out people based on their height, obviously.

 

The first meet from OLD should be a short, simple meeting to confirm identity and see how you get on (rather like the initial approach in a bar or supermarket or traditional offline dating scenario). If you do get on, as in you would give this guy your number if you met offline, then you can schedule a "proper" first date.

 

Should I be more selective in whom I agree to a date with? I'm starting to wonder whether I'm just really bad at judging profiles.

Yes, absolutely. But this is a learning curve. When I started OLD, I would meet anyone who showed any kind of interest. As I gained experience I quickly learned to filter from the profile contents (or lack thereof!!). It took me a lot more than 2 meetings to find someone (around 30).

 

what I want is:

 

-Average looking (above is a bonus) and my height or above (unless he's Tim Roth )

-Smart

-Funny

-Nice and able to commit

-Not completely clueless or out of touch when it comes to fashion

 

Aside from that I'm pretty open-minded. There are a lot of things I'm flexible on: politics, race, age, occupation to an extent.

I hope you don't mention all that on your profile; especially since most of it is taken for granted anyway. Having a list of demands is a big turn off to most guys. Many women attempt to put off the OLD idiots and DTF crowd but fail to realize all they are doing is putting off the decent guys. The DTF crowd don't even read the profiles so there's nothing you can say that will put them off.

[tuxedo cat]

Yes. But this is no different than "offline" dating, is it? Other than ruling out people based on their height, obviously.

 

The first meet from OLD should be a short, simple meeting to confirm identity and see how you get on (rather like the initial approach in a bar or supermarket or traditional offline dating scenario). If you do get on, as in you would give this guy your number if you met offline, then you can schedule a "proper" first date.

 

 

Yes, absolutely. But this is a learning curve. When I started OLD, I would meet anyone who showed any kind of interest. As I gained experience I quickly learned to filter from the profile contents (or lack thereof!!). It took me a lot more than 2 meetings to find someone (around 30).

 

 

I hope you don't mention all that on your profile; especially since most of it is taken for granted anyway. Having a list of demands is a big turn off to most guys. Many women attempt to put off the OLD idiots and DTF crowd but fail to realize all they are doing is putting off the decent guys. The DTF crowd don't even read the profiles so there's nothing you can say that will put them off.

 

No of course not! I made sure my profile was very positive and didn't write anything in the "you should contact me if" section. The check list isn't something I'd even really thought about until I wrote this thread. Usually I just go on gut.

 

In terms of a short, simple meeting what do you suggest? My first two dates were at a bar close to my apartment. Both dates lasted about an hour (after which I told them I had an early morning).

[tuxedo cat]

Thanks for the responses, everyone! It's a relief to hear that most ppl took awhile to meet a partner. I guess I was biased by knowing a few ppl who met an SO on their first or second date. I think I'm a little pickier than most so I guess it's not surprising that it would take me more time than some of my friends.

[tuxedo cat]

I am in a serious relationship going on 18 months now and is very happy through online dating. But met about 30 men and I was very focused and serious about it. I even had a dating coach after trying for about 1 year. After that it took 6 more months.

 

Interesting. Did you find the dating coach helpful and what exactly did they coach you on?

[tuxedo cat]

For those who went on a ton of online dates how did you space your dates out? 1, 2 or 3 a week?

[tuxedo cat]

Do you resign to a lot of weeding? YES!! A LOT of weeding. The faster you weed them out the better.

 

About your checklist, some of those things should be eliminated. Funny has nothing to do with giving you a happy relationship. Fashion also has no place on your list.

 

Put only 3-4 characteristics on your list and they should ALL have to do with character: kindness is number one predictor of relationship success. Funny not so much. Watch a comedy together! Emotional stability is HUGE as well. Wants a serious relationship is critical. Has his life together career-wise and financialy, is completely free (no separated and such), he's agreeable (no anger problems, non-confrontational). Who cares if he's smart and funny and tall if he wants to have casual sex and treats you like sh*t? How he treats people around him, is he positive? These are traits I'd be looking for. And they are HARD to find. It's going to take a lot of weeding, unless you turn out lucky. The worst thing you can do is to waste time on exciting guys who don't want a relationship and are wishy washy.

 

Don't get hung up on looks either. I know "I can't make myself attracted to a man I don't like". Yes, you can to some extent, if you get to know him closer. Due to habituation, even Brad Pitt will be just your partner after a short while, so looks are not so critical. Of course there are some limits to that, but I suggest lenience on looks. Not important.

 

Good luck and especially patience.

 

I'd say funny is pretty low on my list. But I do think it's somewhat important only because I've dated guys who had a very different sense of humor from mine and that actually led to conflict between us. One guy had a really dorky sense of humor that I didn't dig, and he got irritated with me because he didn't feel like I displayed the proper enthusiasm in response to his bad jokes. When I tried to humor him, he said he could tell that I was "faking it." I guess I'll take the absence of humor over a constant stream of bad humor.

 

Looks, as I said, I'm very flexible on. As long as he's average looking, I'm game.

 

I agree with you that character trumps all. That's the hardest one to find. Your post inspired me to give that second guy another chance, because I got the sense that he was a genuinely nice person. We're seeing a movie on Saturday night.

Edited November 19, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[PegNosePete]

In terms of a short, simple meeting what do you suggest? My first two dates were at a bar close to my apartment. Both dates lasted about an hour (after which I told them I had an early morning).

That sounds perfect. If the guys weren't born yesterday then they'll recognize the "early morning" thing for what it was (an escape). If you genuinely have an early morning but want to see them again, make sure to let them know.

 

For those who went on a ton of online dates how did you space your dates out? 1, 2 or 3 a week?

Normally 1 a week. Occasionally 2.

 

My memory isn't good enough to cope with more than that!

[BluEyeL]

I'd say funny is pretty low on my list. But I do think it's somewhat important only because I've dated guys who had a very different sense of humor from mine and that actually led to conflict between us. One guy had a really dorky sense of humor that I didn't dig, and he got irritated with me because he didn't feel like I displayed the proper enthusiasm in response to his bad jokes. When I tried to humor him, he said he could tell that I was "faking it." I guess I'll take the absence of humor over a constant stream of bad humor.

 

Looks, as I said, I'm very flexible on. As long as he's average looking, I'm game.

 

I agree with you that character trumps all. That's the hardest one to find. Your post inspired me to give that second guy another chance, because I got the sense that he was a genuinely nice person. We're seeing a movie on Saturday night.

 

Regarding the dating coach, yes, it did help me, but it's not for everyone. I resented her during that time because she kept telling me to dump everyone I liked. I reluctantly did so, and I think this is how I became available for this happy relationship. I hired her because after 1 year of online dating, I stopped trusting myself in making choices. I made a bad choice of a guy in summer of 2013 and when that ended (read, he dumped me after 3 months and I should have known better), I realized I needed help and while I read almost everything that was written about dating and relationships, when you are "in it", you don't think straight, especially when you like someone. I had email access to her and every time I had a prospect or date I was emailing her with information about them, how the date went, what the guy said etc. and she would give me feedback. Also gave me feedback on my online profile. I paid her $90/month for 7 months (we parted ways about 1 month after I met my BF and I realized that I finally met someone truly worthy). I also never used free online sites. Used okc for 3 days but couldn't stand the DTF crowd there.

 

BTW, in terms of books, two raised above the rest 50 or so: "The science of happily ever after" by Ty Tashiro (useful for setting up your criteria). And "You Lost him at hello" by Jess McCann. (useful for behavior on dates).

 

Regarding funny. Is not bad if someone is funny, is a sign of intelligence. But it absolutely shouldn't be a requirement. The example you gave me, the problem wasn't that the guy wasn't funny, the problem is that the guy was getting "irritated". If someone gets "irritated", dump him. You don't want to live with an arsehole who will get "irritated" with you all the time. So he wasn't what I call "agreeable", which is one of the requirements I choose (based on reading). Something to do with character.

 

Regarding how often to date. In the first 6 months I dated more, I did 2-3 dates a week, but towards the end, I stopped multidating and I was doing 1 date a week. I got tired. It's not recommended you stop multidating, but I was personally burnt out and that's how much I could do then.

[Gaeta]

For those who went on a ton of online dates how did you space your dates out? 1, 2 or 3 a week?

 

I have had very busy weeks sometimes booking 3 dates a week, sometimes booking 2 different men in a same day. When I started online dating I was new to dating and I didn't filter as much as I should have to I met a lot of players, a lot of recently divorced men, a lot of emotionally dependent needy men and of course sometimes I met men that were perfect but were not THAT interested in me. I don't regret anything though. I went out there, had fun, more men I met more I learn about who I am and what I wanted out of a man.

 

To answer your other question I had tons of first meeting, tons of 2-3 dates that went no where. I had a few short term relationships that lasted 2-3 months and 1 serious relationship he ended up leaving the country after 6 months. I also made real good friends. My best female friend of 4 years I met on a dating site! We have a lot of fun telling that story and I have 3 good male friends I made online from 4 years ago.

[Toodaloo]

You learn as you go with OLD.

 

I encountered my first fake profile yesterday!

 

As far as dates go I am getting better at filtering but its taken time.

 

Keep at it.