K2z Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 For MONTHS I have read this forum, commiserating with those who have lost, but secretly saying to myself -- "hey, I'm not one of THEM. I don't really have to reinvent my life. There's a candle of hope, and I'm not going to let it go out. I'm gonna be a success story!" And then yesterday, my ex's wedding pictures go up on Facebook. (Seen via a mutual friend.) And suddenly, it's all worthless now. The months of obsession, worry, sadness, fervent hope... they are all shell shock now. Helpless, slackjawed, quiet, shock. Nuclear winter. Now I've lost. There's no exceptionalism about me, real or imagined. I guess I am sorry I ever thought there was. I've got to build my life and heart from scratch, and it's terrifying.
pidgeon1010 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I am sorry your worst fears have been confirmed and the last bit of hope you had has been wiped out. I can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through because no matter what people say here, it is hard to move on and erase every bit of hope for reconciliation. I am sure it is extremely painful but I would prefer something final like that happen with my break up so I can get rid of the last bit of false hope I have. You would think 5 months NC and him moving to the west coast (I live on the east coast) would do it but not yet. I am moving forward though. Best wishes with your new beginning and I hope everything works out well for you. One day at a time.
Author K2z Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 Be careful what you wish for. The wedding photos are excruciating. Ironically, two days before the wedding we exchanged four emails. the most communication we've had in a year. Kind of aired the laundry. I was a fool to hesitate. I would shout it from the highest mountaintops, but there is simply no point now. I am a mute, shocked onlooker. My chest feels like someone emptied it with an ice cream scoop.
darkbloom Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 You were always one of us. It just took you longer to realize it.
minimariah Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 i'm really sorry. from everything you wrote about your break - up... it seems like she really, REALLY wanted to get married. since she thought you weren't up for it - she found someone who was. one more thing -- it is OK to take responsibility for your actions but i feel like she threw the entire blame on you with the "you didn't want to marry me" argument. don't let her do that - as far as you know... that might have been only an excuse. i assume she met this man while you two were still together and used the wedding thing as an excuse to come out squicky clean. i'm really sorry - next months will be rough but please don't be hard on yourself. she isn't the reason of your being or the center of your universe - she's just another person that was relevant at ONE point of your life. and the same way you lived without her before you even knew her - you'll live without her now that she's gone, too. surround yourself with support and please, keep looking forward. 3
theredpill Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 (edited) I'll be perfectly open and honest, the only real reason the ex comes back and wants another chance is when you find someone better than them, not only better looking, but much more important a better person. Why would you want to go back? This is why it's so incredibly important to move forward from the very start, I'm probably in a better position emotionally than my ex who left me. Seen her 3 times in nearly 5 months whilst out and the last time was unbelievable, begging me to be her friend which I politely refused (all bloody night) and then telling her mates not to speak to me because I was ignoring her, wtf! She's only nearly 40 years old... dodged a bullet ya reckon? Edited November 19, 2015 by theredpill
Blanco Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 It doesn't feel like it right now, but this is the best thing that could have happened for you long-term. You've held on to this dead relationship, clutching on to hope that she would come back your way. Hope isn't a bad thing, but in this instance, it was, because you were hoping for the highly improbable. Now that hope is gone. You've hit rock bottom. Good news: You can only go up from here! Your heart and your brain aren't really in sync right now, but try to focus on the facts rather than your revisionist history. You were with this woman for three years and still felt hesitant about moving closer to marriage. Three years is usually enough time to know deep down whether you really see yourself marrying someone or not. The fact that after three years, you were still hesitant to start toward marriage means that something was holding you back; telling you it wasn't really the right course of action. The only reason now you feel like you would've married this woman is because you know how much she wanted to get married and you think your willingness would've made you desirable again in her eyes. Maybe, but it would have been a false gesture on your part. Getting married should be something you feel the desire to do; not something you offer as a relationship bargaining chip. Her desire to be married clearly trumps anything else. The guy in this case is almost secondary to the idea of being married. It wasn't you, so it was this guy. If it wasn't him, it would've been someone else. Is that really the kind of life you would've been happy with? One where your willingness to be married was more important to this woman than anything specifically about you was? You're in agony now, but this woman has spared you from an underwhelming life where you would have become increasingly more aware of how interchangeable and disposable this woman saw you. 2
Author K2z Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Every minute of the day I regret not marrying her. My hesitation was slightly more nuanced than has emerged on this forum, but it's not important now. I think your comments that a warm body to marry trumps all else hit the mark. That said, I am devastated. Nuclear winter, empty tinman chest.
DontBreakEven Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 You would think 5 months NC and him moving to the west coast (I live on the east coast) would do it but not yet. I am moving forward though. Ugh same boat here. She moved 200 miles 6 months ago. 7 weeks NC. Still can't get the reality through my thick skull.
DontBreakEven Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 K2, I've read your story and I'm a bit confused. You sent her a short email and then sat and waited for a response and said nothing more since then? Why? My ex sent me a short email a couple months ago, and I took it as pretty much nothing. She hasn't spoken to me since. I sure hope my ex isn't sitting around waiting for a response of more than what I said back ("I love you and miss you too") ... because with each passing day of her silence I'm getting further and further away from her.
Author K2z Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 I wrote an email which I had translated into Thai so she could share with friends and family. I said, I realize I have not provided enough of a life plan for you and asked her marry. I said I would financially help her parents and said please let's not live separate lives. Very poignant, high octane stuff. When I heard nothing after two weeks I sent a short follow up checking if she'd gotten it. Nothing. Nothing for months. Then the pre-wedding photo and I emailed to ask if she was marrying. That opened an exchange. Now the wedding photos, and it is utterly excruciating. I have never been in this depth of pain before.
DontBreakEven Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Ahhh I see. I'm really sorry for your pain.
marky00 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 You were always one of us. It just took you longer to realize it. Dammit, this just slapped me across the face.
Chi townD Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 God, you make being "one of you" sound like a bad thing. Like, were a bunch of losers. The fact is, this site exists to help you heal. To build you up! To be better. I mean, thousands if not millions of relationships end everyday. We're here to help heal. To show you that there's more to life than our Ex's and to help you realize that. To give you tips on how to recover and to love your life again. To actually enjoy life and love yourself! Look, my life isn't perfect, but it's a sh*t ton better than what it was! It's just getting you to the point of realizing that you can have it too! I love when folks come back to say "Hi" and tell us how wonderful their lives turned out because they took the advice that was given here. THOSE are the success stories. Hopefully, you'll be one too! 4
Author K2z Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 God, you make being "one of you" sound like a bad thing. Like, were a bunch of losers. It was with full self-deprecatory irony that I put "one of you" in quotes. You are the strong. I was the deluded. The vast majority of "you" on this forum are stronger and better adjusted than I am at this point. I am a basket case.
Oregon_Dude Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Glad you joined the ranks of the self-honest, OP. Despite your condescension, we are glad to have you. Now QUIT living in the past, and quit looking at your stupid ex's social media and sh*t. 1
Chi townD Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 It was with full self-deprecatory irony that I put "one of you" in quotes. You are the strong. I was the deluded. The vast majority of "you" on this forum are stronger and better adjusted than I am at this point. I am a basket case. Then, you need to start working on the only thing you have control over and that is YOU! I'm pretty sure you've been here long enough to know what self improvements you need to make. It's time to start YOUR life. Your life is your own and WE (meaning you) choose who we share it with. Time to get your revenge and the best revenge you can get is lead a damn good life.
Author K2z Posted November 20, 2015 Author Posted November 20, 2015 I feel like a puddle. Where does the strength come from? I feel so betrayed, helpless, and foolish. I know I'm weak, and that others have surmounted worse. But here's where I am. Haunted, paralyzed. Feeling like roadkill. If only it weren't so final. But she's ****ing married! After 6 months! The pictures! It's a nuke to the chest.
Chi townD Posted November 20, 2015 Posted November 20, 2015 Yeah, I know it hurts dude. Been there and done that. And I also know that there's nothing I can really say that's going to make you feel any better. But, take the time you need to mourn this loss. However, don't turn into a hermit. Take time to heal. Then, it's time to get your revenge. And the best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good and adventurous life. I'm not going to go into detail on how to do this until you're ready (or unless you ask me). Just focus on your healing. Focus on you. Do not do anything stupid. This isn't the end of the world. It's just one chapter closing and you're turning the page. But, these pages are empty. It's up to you to decide what to fill them with.
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