How to fix our damaged relationship with a numb wife that I've created

[sk86]

I will begin and say that my wife and I married at very young ages. I was 21 and she was 18. We had our first child 6 months after marriage. Flash forward and here we are 8 years later. Still married with 2 children (7 and 3). Lots of bumps along the way but we've managed. I will try and lay out the situation.

 

I have over time, become the husband and father that I did not want to me. Just like my Father. Let me say the I have realized what I've done, and I know who I am going to be from the point forward. I just hope that it isn't too late. Throughout the years I have been distant from my family. I always pushed away my wife and even my first child and was not very nice to. These are all things that I think I realized at the time, but never thought twice about. We've come to a point a week or two ago where we had some break down moments. I said a lot of mean things such as, you don't take care of the house right, you don't parent right, this and that. Complaining. I have always complained about everything. I am a perfectionist at heart, and the only one that works. My wife has always been a stay-at-home Mom, and she has actually done a FANTASTIC job. She has just now started working part-time somewhere that makes her happy, and I am happy for her.

 

We had some discussions recently about everything. Things we have never shared with each other. They were good talks, because we knew at that point it was do or die. We need to be together and fix this, or begin the separation. What we ultimately decided is that we both love one another and our ultimate goal is to be together 100% HAPPILY. I am not the same person I was - I think we both realize that, but I hope that it is not too late.

 

Over the course of the past 2 months, my wife has started to confide in my neighbor who has just went through a divorce. What he gave to her what I never did was an ear. A person to listen to. A person that did not judge. They have been talking and texting - there has never ben anything physical from what I was told - and I believe that, but it was emotional and feelings started to form. I told my wife that I forgive her. I am not upset, because I drove her to this. In the end, she has said that she cut ties with him and that their relationship could have went farther but she stopped it before it was too late. I have trust in her, because a lot of the things she has told me, she never had to. We put everything on the table. Keep in mind that I am not an angel and have snooped around on her e-mail and phone. I knew there were things going on but could not pinpoint them. When you have a feeling, you just know...

 

There are more details, but probably irrelevant. Here is where we are today.

 

We are getting ready to buy a new home (I am separating from the military very soon), and I will begin a new job. This is essentially a new chapter for our family. My mother-in-law is also moving here from out west. She will be living with us not only to see her daughter and Grandchildren, but to be support. What my wife and I NEVER had was support. We never went on dates, never got out of the house. She has been so sheltered at home while I was working. Throughout our marriage I have ignored her and she finally got to the point a few weeks ago where she became numb. She said, you know what I don't have to deal with this.

 

Here is where I need help coping. I need advice so that I can do this the right way. We are moving forward 100%. It is hard because she is not the loving person she used to be. That person is gone. We both want it to come back, but fear that it is gone - I feel as though I damaged her. That was her fear. She said, the things that made me happy don't anymore. And she is right. At times she seems a little happy, others times she looks stone cold and empty. I know that TIME is a big factor, but leading up ultimate happiness (which is our goal), how do we get there? How do I act? I don't want to become numb either, but this is difficult. It is hard to try to gauge how close I get to her. At times she wants to be close, other times she does not want to show affection. I understand what is going on, but looking for solid advice. We are going to begin doing MORE things together as a couple, and a family. I am getting more involved in my children, and more importantly becoming a person that SUPPORTS my wife rather than ignore her and put her down. I feel like everything we spoke about through our hour long discussions, I have no reason not to believe certain things (i.e. I am going here for X hours, etc). It is difficult because what happened with the neighbor, although I feel it is justified. There were also some trust issues about 6 years ago when she connected with an old friend online. I again, let that go, no big deal. I have not cheated or reached out to other people. But I have always been more of a bitter person. Again, I turned into the person I did not want to - my Father.

 

Any help is appreciated. I feel like I see the light at the end. We both want happiness, but it is definitely not there yet and will take time. Should I act normal and happy? Should I show my sadness when I feel as though she is being distant, or act like it doesn't affect me?

 

Any help is greatly appreciated. I am happy that I made it 8 years, I just hope it is not too late to rebuild what I've broken.

 

I truly appreciate this outlet for support.

[d0nnivain]

You need to be positive & strong. Romance her. Leave her little notes around the house. Text her sweet nothings during the day. Tell her how much you are looking forward to focusing on each other as a couple as well as making your family stronger. Ask her Qs about her hopes & dreams as well as how her day was but really pay attention to her. She's getting that attention from the divorced guy next door; get her to refocus on you before he gets more than just her ear.

[sk86]

You need to be positive & strong. Romance her. Leave her little notes around the house. Text her sweet nothings during the day. Tell her how much you are looking forward to focusing on each other as a couple as well as making your family stronger. Ask her Qs about her hopes & dreams as well as how her day was but really pay attention to her. She's getting that attention from the divorced guy next door; get her to refocus on you before he gets more than just her ear.

 

Totally understand and have already begun this. The hard thing is her emotions do not always show excitement. She's lost all of it. I bought her a new Keurig yesterday - our old one was bought used and we needed a new one anyhow. She said that I shouldn't have bought it, she didn't deserve it. She feels some guilt even though I told her it was justified that she allowed the emotional connection with the neighbor happen. Last night she texted him that they needed to stop talking. She told me with teary eyes that she is sorry but it is hard to do it. She was attached to this person even though she knows he is not her type etc. He was just that person who would listen and she poured it out to him. Anyways, I wouldn't be surprised if she still has some sort of feelings. I know all I can do is continue to support and prove the words I've spoken. Talk is always cheap. Always. Maybe through time she will show emotions again.

[d0nnivain]

You bought her an appliance. That is not a gift unless she specifically asked for it.

 

 

Buy her flowers. Buy her jewelry. . . it's doesn't have to real / expensive just shiny. I loved a $5 glass ring a BF bought me at a garage sale. Buy her lingerie but include a robe & make it sexy not dirty (that can come later ) Buy her a romantic movie for you to watch together. Dance with her in the kitchen. Draw her a bubble bath with candles & a glass of wine. Massage her feet. Pay her compliments.

 

 

You may have to accept that she will never be excited. My husband is rather stoic so I understand your frustration but just because they don't express excitement the way we do doesn't mean they don't feel it.

[sk86]

You bought her an appliance. That is not a gift unless she specifically asked for it.

 

 

Buy her flowers. Buy her jewelry. . . it's doesn't have to real / expensive just shiny. I loved a $5 glass ring a BF bought me at a garage sale. Buy her lingerie but include a robe & make it sexy not dirty (that can come later ) Buy her a romantic movie for you to watch together. Dance with her in the kitchen. Draw her a bubble bath with candles & a glass of wine. Massage her feet. Pay her compliments.

 

 

You may have to accept that she will never be excited. My husband is rather stoic so I understand your frustration but just because they don't express excitement the way we do doesn't mean they don't feel it.

 

It's not about materials I know. As a sign of a new beginning, I bought her a new ring. Not anything super expensive, something she would really like. To signify this truly is a new beginning.

 

I have been giving her massages as well. I feel as though it relaxes me also - because I am making her feel good. All I want is for everyone to be happy. It's very difficult to fix what's been broken for so long. But it's a reality. I just sent her to the eye doctor and told her to pick out whatever kind of frames she wants. When money want important to me before, I've been frugal so I can provide and save for our family, I feel like I want her to have anything at all even if that means going into debt (don't think this is going to happen). This is much bigger than material things - it's about fixing someone that poured their heart and soul into something (my wife), only to have it cropped on for so long. There truly has been damage done.

[Dylon]

It took some time of many years of your doings before she's lost so it will take some time for you to bring her back. You seem to know how it all went down and also willing to fix it. Flood her with attention and be very patient. Keep doing what you are doing and don't question too much of her mood. Keep going. If she has any thoughts of another person or straying, your attention and time will bring her back. You don't know it's too late until you give it all you got. Be sincere in your efforts. Also don't just do things to please, do things that you like too so you can keep on doing it. For now, don't focus on responses. Give her time while you keep on giving her attention.

[lolablue17]

I think that this man gave her intimacy and close friendship. Now she has to give up on him. We all know that people needs friends. It is a basic essential need. It's unlikely to expect that one person can fulfill ALL his wife's social needs.

 

You will never be a worthy substitute to him even if you won the husband of the year contest. This neighbour not only helped her, he also helped your marriage by making you to understand that you are in the wrong way. Don't underestimate the positive influence this EA of her on your marriage.

 

She is now grieving of something she lost. She is in some kind of depression. You should recognize that, understanding that not all of it is your fault and not all of it is in your hands.

 

She chose you. And she is honest and remorseful. These are good signs. She must find a life, other than you. Otherwise she will become more depressed and may be blaming you for that.

[sk86]

I want to thank everyone for their support and wanted to update you all on the series of events that have taken place in the past few days. There has been a revelation (?) maybe that goes something like this..

 

The other evening my wife went for a walk. She said she wanted to leave for a couple of hours to clear her mind and really think about everything. I said sure go for it, but I won't lie, in the back of my mind, the paranoia is kicking in. Is she with him, someone else, alone, etc? Anyways, I need to stop that. What she told me was that she spoke with her brother on the phone for some time. She was looking for someone that could listen with an unbiased opinion - no judging. She laid everything on the line and told him what she had done, and the hurt and struggle that she had faced for the past years. He essentially told her, "Look, he saved you. If you leave him, you will go right back to your old ways". Let me clarify. Years ago, she was running with bad people, doing bad things, and had no direction. When I came along, for some strange reason I was able to bring her to reality. I gave her someone to love - she was never able to find this prior to meeting me. She would blow off her parents, and do whatever. She also have very bad prior relationships including physical abuse and down talking. She basically flipped her switch. What do I mean by that?

 

As I've posted prior, she has had a lot of emotions running through her mind and she has not been herself. She was numb and stone cold, and it was hard to talk to her. I walked on eggshells (this was something she has done a lot in the past for ME - she was always worried I would complain about the simplest of things, etc), and tried to be overly nice. I knew that we both messed up, but truly in my mind I feel like I was more at fault. What she did was find a support that she has never had. I can't blame or fault anyone for that. She tonight told me that she shouldn't be mad at me for the past - what she said was that she was mad at herself for not letting it go on for so many years. I told her that I was glad she did hang on. I really did "find the light", in that I am really trying to be this different person, and it is coming to me naturally. I just missed the boat and was oblivious to everything in the past. Again, I became the man that I did NOT want to become. My materialistic, hateful, cold-hearted Father. I see this now and I am glad that it is not too late. I am glad things have made a turn for the best.

 

Anyone listen to Disturbed? Listen to "The Light" - I have been blaring it in my car on repeat for the past 5 days. It really speaks to me.

 

Anyhow, where was I..

 

I basically broke down. A few days after long conversations and after we decided that we wanted to be together in the end, we both knew it would be a long process. I thought I was prepared, but maybe I really am the weaker of the two of us. The way she was treating me was cold - I was scared and again, walking on eggshells. I justified it to myself at first. I thought, I put her through all of this, so I will have to be the best person - the NEW person that I am saying I am going to be and buckle in. After two days though my heart hurt. She wasn't herself. I basically told her that I could not do it anymore. I explained to her that she wasn't herself, didn't enjoy what she used to, was very short with everyone, always on her phone talking to someone other than me (at a point in time where we need to be communicating with each other) - just lots of coldness, and I never knew what her next move would be. I never would know if she would be leaving for the night, for a few hours to clear her mind etc. So basically that is when she told me she had changed and became herself in a very short amount of time. That was the evening that she went for the 3 hour walk and spoke with her brother. I did freak out a bit because she said she would stay in contact with me while she was out and she didn't. This is something I need to get over. It is just a fear - I am insecure and need to fix that. I am someone that always needs reassurance - that's just how it is.

 

Since then things have been really well - it seems like we are almost back to normal in a very short amount of time. She said she feels more in love with me now as she ever had. She just left for a couple hours to go work at a new gym center that is being put together. It's hard to let her go like this after she's always been here for SO long. I was the one that would be gone, not her - but in my defense, that is what she wanted. She had always said that she wanted to be the stay at home Mom that took care of the house. I gave that to her. Now it time to support her and empower her. She is coaching at a gym now, and it really makes her feel good, I can see it. She has appreciation from others, and that will help with the confidence boosting, because honestly she has none. She doesn't have much of an education, and has always felt like she will never amount to anything. I think she has found something now, and I am glad.

 

Better yet - the neighbor has moved out. This is a big relief. He will still be living within a 20 mile vicinity, but I like to believe their ties are truly severed. One of the posts on here mentions - and I am paraphrasing, "show her the love, the communication, the listening, the fact that you care about her, and she will not need anyone else".

 

Something else she mentioned was that she used him as a puppet. That's all he was to her. There were no physical connections, but she admitted that at one point in time, she did start to have feelings. She said she could call him or text him when she wanted, but at the same time she could say now is not a good time, leave me alone. He would always listen. That's what he was - her listener. They shared experiences, and I believe she also sympathized with him because she was friends with his wife, and she eventually found out she was lying to him and trying to do things to gain more out of the divorce financially. So they were sharing their stories, and that is how they connected. I get it - I do. Again, I cannot blame ANYONE for this. She told me, I would rather you have a one night stand with someone and tell me rather than connect to someone emotionally. She feels as though that is something stronger. I am not sure how I feel about that though - if she had told me she slept with him or even kissed him, it would have hurt twice as much. I have no reason to believe that though - we really had a lot of honest discussions, and I believe that she would have told me.

 

Just wanted to thank you all. Things are looking up, and I think we will be happier now than we've ever been. I am getting ready to switch jobs (for the better), and we are looking to close on a home in the next 2 weeks (we have been renting forever).

 

Anymore advice is greatly appreciated. I have truly learned a lot from this experience. For me I had to go to the darkest place I've ever been to truly see the light and appreciate the things I've been missing. I am looking forward to her return in the next couple of hours for a nice evening. Oh and by the way, things in the bedroom have changed dramatically. I failed to mention that one of my problems have been my sex drive. I haven't had much of one in years. Maybe 30 times in the last few years? The last couple nights have definitely made up for a little of the lost time.

Edited November 23, 2015 by sk86

[casey.lives]

make it a point to ask her how her day was - everyday .. be the ear of friend and the voice of a lover.

[sk86]

make it a point to ask her how her day was - everyday .. be the ear of friend and the voice of a lover.

 

I have been - I am home everyday now until I start my job in a few weeks. That makes things hard also. Being together ALL of the time. Once I go back to work and things normalize it will be easier.

 

She doesn't want me to obsess about her. She said focus more on the children. I am focusing on spending more time with the kids, but I can't help but ask her how are you feeling, is everything OK, do you want to talk about anything, what's on your mind - - - maybe I am doing that too much..

[sk86]

Sooo... Let's flash forward a little over a month. Thank you all for the support, I truly appreciate it.

 

We have had a lot of ups and downs, and a lot of close calls since all of this went down. A few times calling it quits, but never quite doing it. I know that deep down inside we both truly love each other and have been fighting, but there have REALLY been some close calls. I have even done some stupid stuff - a little invasion of privacy to see what was going on. Regardless, things have been really good for the past couple of days. My doubts are completely gone. She last night sat down with me and said that one of the biggest issues has been me not giving her any space at all. I admit this, I have definitely been crowding her - so have the kids because she has been gone more than usual ever since she started her new job. Really bad timing but it is what it is. Every time she left for work or went out to do anything I was always wondering and I began to go crazy. Did she really break it off with this guy?

 

So last night after work she had some stuff on her mind and I pryed until she told me. Well she initially told me she had stuff on her mind but wanted to wait for the kids to go to bed. I just couldn't wait.

 

She told me that it was a little more than emotional. She reiterated that she hasn't spoken or seen this guy since she told me she ceased communication. She said there was no sex involved but there were a couple of times they kissed. She admits to be that this was her doing. She said she may have done it in spite of me. She said that I was no where around to hear her out (I was job hunting, and pushing everyone away), but this asshold (she used another word) was there for her and he listened. I get it. It hurts. What really hurts is when I think about this actually taking place. I wanted details - she said it happened in his truck and there was nothing more than that. I believe her, I really do.

 

So after that talk, she told me she needs to get away release the anger she has. The guilt. She genuinely seems upset for what she did, and I believe all of this. I have no reason not to. Let me also say that leading up to this, Christmas has pretty much been non-existent. We got the kids stuff, and I went above and beyond and bought her way more than I ever have. I know she got me some stuff too, but the spirit was no where in site. Anyways, she said her friend is out of town and she can get into her luxury apartment - her friend left the bellman my wife's name to get in. I know her friend and I know how she lives - this isn't far fetched and believe this also. There really isn't anything I don't believe at this point. She didn't have to tell me the things she did. She chose to. Anyways she left last night around 7 PM and said she wanted to be alone, shut off electronics and just cry. I said OK, no problem - I won't blow up your phone like I have done in the past. No questions - just go - see you in the AM. She took a bottle of wine and some snacks.

 

Before she left to come home in the AM, she texted me that her spirits are back. She feels better etc. I remember texting her, "did this help? can we put he past behind us and move on?" She replied, "huh, I am ready for Christmas, can't wait - we need to decorate more etc" I said I needed clarity on my question and she basically told me it went over my head. She said, "huh" as if it never happened. She explained this to me, but yeah I guess I missed it.

 

Before she got home I threw up some decorations, and everything for the most part seems normal. Much more normal than it has been. Her Dad will be here in an hour to visit for a week. It crossed my mind that maybe she wanted to be happy for Christmas while he was here, but I don't think that is the case. I mean if it is then it is, but I really feel as though the darkest 2 months of my life (maybe hers also) is over.

 

So I am looking for opinion. I thought to myself, isn't it me who should be needing to think and have this space etc? Anyone out there had an affair and had a hard time with the guilt? She truly loves me and wants to continue her life with me. She had many "outs" as she has said - if she didn't want to be with me she wouldn't.

 

Her explanation is that she feels like a horrible person. She feels like she has led me to feel like some of the stalking/invasion of privacy stuff was really bad on my part, but she said that for some reason she wanted me to feel like the bad person. She told me that what I did was not wrong at all and that what she did was. She should have communicated with me better before it got to that point. She said it was her fault it got to that point.

 

Hoping there is light ahead - my birthday is coming up very soon and she has already told me she got me something. I mean if she is not in it for the long run, she wouldn't be doing any of this - Christmas presents, birthday, planning our future with the new house that we are trying to close on, stuff like that. She would have left. She KNOWS that if we don't work out the house is going to hurt EVERYONE. I told her that we can get out of it numerous times, and we have been pushing forward.

 

Thanks for advice and taking the time to read my crazy life.

 

Merry Christmas to All