She cheated on me, betrayed me and abandoned me

[Luvmathur]

My gf of 6 years just tore me apart 7 days ago. Im 34 now and so is she. Ours was a long distance relationship. I live in India and she in NJ,USA. She broke her her marriage of 5 yrs to be with me and also let go of the custody of her child so she could move. She persued me and finally i realized this woman truely loved me. I had known her since childhood as we did our schooling together as kids. Im a pilot by profession and decided to sacrifice a career upgrade and move to the international fleet at a lesser designation just so I could see the love of my life twice a month. Went on for 5 years. Yes we did have misunderstanding and fights. Limg distance didnt help at all. Many breakups and either I would come crawling to her or she would (rarely) things never recovered. However we just couldnt be without each other. There just wasnt any other way. I have always been loyal and faithful to her.

My world came crashing on me on my birthday, a week ago. She was dropping the hints but i never picked them up. I loved her, I would never doubt her. I told her I was taking up the rank of a captain and very soon We should marry and the distance will be defeated and hopefully, finally we would normal lives together. Hopefully a happy one. I get done with my last flight. She behaved as though everything was normal and fine. I hug her and leave telling her training will be intense and we wont be seeing each other for a month. Please hang in there, I'll come for you. As I begin my training back in India the hints have been dropped. I join the dots and she has been cheating on me with this man all this while and plans to marry him soon. Im shattered. The love of my life. 6 years. Disbelief ! This cant be happening. Im trembling, i still do everytime i wake up from my sleep and im reminded of what has happened of us. She with another man now as I cry and fret in my own misery. I hate the fact that I still miss her. I should hate her but I just cant get myself to. Everyday it haunts me to think of the hints which were in my face. She would talk of him making advances on her. She would be chatting with me over the ,essenger and suddenly there would be no response from her. She would get angry if my hand was anywhere near her cellphone. She confessed to it all, I made her. Upto the last day I was with her we made out n everything like a couple would. But she never had it in her to come out clean. Just kept playing me. She wanted to maintain contact for unknown reasons after all this. Keep me on the hook. That evil woman. I begged her pleaded her to come back as though i did something wrong. In my time of misery she told me how she never loved me and at times hated me. Was like daggers going through my chest, the very chest she always rested her head when we slept every night. 6 yrs ! Maybe me not being around always contributed to it, i dont know but I had always been loyal and faithful. I cannot get thoughts of her out of my mind. I never imagined a life without her and all I got in return was deceit betryal and cheating. I find it so hard to move on now. I know even if miraculously she came back to me I wouldnt be able to accept her for what she did. Was so inconsiderate to breakup over chat and a telephone call when i was 8000 miles away helpless and lonely. That coward. Not even a sorry. Kept blaming me for everything. Im lost. I wakeup everyday without motivation. Inwish I didnt wakeup at all. Lost the zest for life and All I think about is her and anxiety kills me that she will be woth him. Im losing myself and F*ing up my training which is crucial for my career. I really wish this hadnt happened. It has and im directionless. After my last chat with her on my bIrthday, i begged and pleaded to to just get back and I'll marry her as soon as I possibly can in between my training. She said No firmly asked my to say goodbye and hang up !

There has been no contact since. I know she doesnt think about me but i consume al my time and energy thinking about her and what just happened.

I need help but I know only I can help myself.

I know, I will never get to see her again. Kills me

[Mrlovahlovah]

seems like a terrible thing to go through.there are a lot of broken hearted people around here who feel your pain. each with his own ****ty circumstances.

 

Long distance relationships are obviously not an easy thing to maintain and could potentially put a lot of strain on the relationship. that said, as you can rationally acknowledge, you just dodged a bullet of spending your entire (more like going through divorce somewhere down the line) life with someone who is capable of cheating and treating a person who did nothing but care for him the way she did. I mean, i'm sorry, relationships can end for various reasons, and it's never easy, and hardly ever truly mutual. BUT! what she did shows her true colors. no matter how much you thought you know her or how 90% of her personality is great. that 10% makes her a terrible person. there are no excuses for cheating. except for maybe if your partner is a horrible abusive person himself. but i have a feeling that wasn't the case with you. if she felt like the long distance is too much for her to handle she should've brought it up or suggested alternatives. if that had failed she could have broken up with you in a dignified manner and then pursue other partners. end of story.

 

you seem like a sensitive caring person who's a frigging pilot. you deserve better. nevertheless, you're obviously out of a long term relationship and the initial withdrawal will be hard. the circumstances are obviously unfortunate. do you have some counsellor service as part of your course? don't be ashamed to share this dramatic event in your life with your superiors. don't try to be superman and deal with this on your own in the midst of a stressful time in your life.

 

 

all the best, we're here for you mate.

[Luvmathur]

Mr.lovahlovah

 

Thank you for youre support and advice. I guess I will reach out for counselling after my training. When it comes to her, Im not mentally strong. How she dealt with me was reckless. I have sleepless nights just thinking of her, what she did, what shes doing now and how shes moved on with her life so easily after abandoning me. Never bothered to look back and check how Im dealing with life. On the person who was always there for her in some way or the other for 6 years. The one who wanted the best for her. I really dont know what to do anymore. Ive just become a zombie. Theres no motivation left for me to get out of bed. I had such grest plans for us in the near future. But i guess i was living in own fantasy world. Everyday im telling myself ITS OVER. Theres no point thinking of her cause even if she came back after what she did, I will not be able tomaccept her in my life. Yet i get thrown back in time. Keep thinking of her and cry. Im miserable

[Mrlovahlovah]

I hear you. I've been there. most of us have. that feeling of emptiness. everything and everyone seems 2-dimensional. the mind/heart needs a lot of adjusting to do. that's a process that sadly doesn't happen over night.

 

listen, just to shed some more light on her personality, knowing that this won't really help you at the moment as your attachment to her is stronger than anything else.

 

this woman has divorced her husband and let go of her child to be with you!!!!

i'm not judging you in any way, and i'm obviously not familiar with the inner details of that story, but you know how the cliche goes...people rarely change. and that was a big ass red flag. she's impulsive, she has very little ethical values. she gave up on her child for god's sake. I know how love is blind, and we'd like to think that we can be the protagonist that comes in and changes everything for the better, for good. sadly,that's hardly the case in life.

most of us have to learn that through blood sweat and tears.

try to make this a lesson you come out of stronger and wiser.

 

 

you fly metal tubes 40,000 ft up in the air!!!!!!that's crazy. that realisation alone should be enough to get you through the day. good things are to come for you.

[Luvmathur]

Hi

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. About her personality. My friends and family did warn me right from the start about her judging her by her past. But i was blinded by the love and chemistry we shared. Although she cheated on me, I will never forget some of the most wonderful moments of my life which wouldnt have been possible without her. The way she made me feel. I wonder if I'll ever feel that way with anyone else again. I thank her for that.

I turned my back and she dropped me like a brick, was so cold blooded. I wakeup in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat with thoughts of her with someone else who replaced me overnight. I know this wasnt overnight and was going on behind my back, to which she never confessed. But i know, I can smell him.

Yes ive been flying the jets for 9 yrs now. I gave up career oppurtunities for over 2 yrs just so I cud see her and be with her. She always accused me of not loving her i dont know why. I loved her more than anything. Maybe i didnt show it enough, i wish I had. I would request flights only to the usa or swap with colleagues regularly. To which she replied I DIDNT COME FOR HER, I CAME THERE CAUSE I LOVED AMERICA. When All I did was spend time with her and leave. Anything I did to suggest she was special, she just blew it away. There was always hints that she was doing things behind my back. But not breaching my trust was the one thing I trusted her with blindfoldedly. I struggle with myself every 10 mins. This is so hard, a life without her. Ive known her since kindergarden. We started seeing each other only 6 yrs ago. How did this happen. I really wish it didnt. I know theres nothing anyone can say or do to help me here. Please dont get me wrong, i really really appreciate you taking youre precious time out and trying to give me precious advice and helping me see thru this horrible phase of my life.

It really saddens me that the one nearest and dearest to me betrayed me. I hope I come out of this wiser and stronger. It worries me I will never be able to be the same as I was when I had her in life, content. Im afraid for myself. I know I sound selfish but im all alone and dont know where to go or what to do anymore. I was gonna propose to her in a month.

May I know, if you are in any such pain ? Is there any way I can help you deal with any issues you might have? Im really grateful that some kind stranger decided to help me with my struggle.

 

Thank you

[parkwest]

Hello,

 

I was compelled to write for I pretty much experienced what you went through. 7 year relationship where we dated for 3 years and married for 4. I was 1400 miles from home working on assignment, but I called and texted daily and flew home at least 8 days per month. Was even able to telecommute to spend more time at home. Bottom line, my ex wife cheated on me, lied, and played along like everything was ok when she came to visit me. The breakup came via an email with an mpg attachment, carbon copying her attorney on another email to not contact her again. I had just had a medical procedure and I was 1400 miles away.

 

Though she had changed the locks on the door, I went to see her when I made it back to town. Very cordial, but no mention really of us. I called once and sent 1 email basically saying "once a pickle, never a cucumber" that we could save this thing. Her words to me " I don't love you that way!" I then recalled all the little red flags and was sick to my stomach. She had moved on by my guestimation 17 months prior. I never contacted her again, though I agonized over the loss and betrayal.

 

This past Monday was our final court hearing. Before heading into the court room, she came over to me and said that I looked good (hadn't seen her for a couple of months) and put her hand out like for me to hold it. I don't know what look I gave her, but she quickly walked away. I said nothing to her.

 

Bottom line, your woman chose to do what she did. YOU need to maintain your sense of self and your dignity. Sure, maybe you immediately avail yourself because that person and the relationship meant something to you. But as far as crying, pleading and begging? Won't bring her back and it makes you look weak in her eyes and makes you feel weak internally. I may no longer have my ex wife, but I still have my dignity, regardless if my soul was shattered. One day at a time. Focus on you. Don't let someone who is not worthy live rent free in your head. Hang in there and definitely get counseling man. No more GermanWing type stuff, ok?

Edited November 19, 2015 by parkwest

[Luvmathur]

@Parkwest

 

Thank you for writing in. Im Really sorry youre relationship with youre ex wife ended up the way it did. i sincerely hope youre doing well with youre mental fitness and generally in life. No there will be no German wings, not me pulling one off anyways. I respect my profession and lives of others way too much to even think of such a thing. As days go by I feel a sense of emptiness and pain. There is always this false hope she will get in touch with me. I know the fact of the matter is she is happily enjoying herself with another man building on their future. Can you (or any good meaning person) please guide me on how you dealt with all youre emotions and pain. Im just beyond saddened by the whole event. Its like my life has been snatched away from me. I still cannot stop thinking of this horrible person who wronged me in the worst possible way a lover can. I can only think of our good times together. Sigh.

[mightycpa]

My gf of 6 years just tore me apart 7 days ago. Im 34 now and so is she. Ours was a long distance relationship. I live in India and she in NJ,USA. She broke her her marriage of 5 yrs to be with me and also let go of the custody of her child so she could move.

OK, I got this far and I stopped.

 

She abandoned her marriage and her child to be with you long distance? Does that even make any sense to you?

 

What did you expect, that she would love you more than her own child?

[Luvmathur]

-mightycpa

 

Hi,

Thanks for reaching out. Yes at that point we did talk about a marriage 4 yrs ago. She was to move to India. however I just wasnt ready since I just started off with my job and wanted to purchase a place of my own so when she did move here from USA she would live in comfort. I assured her I would purchase one soon, I did a yr later. Got oppourtunity to upgrade my job profile. I didnt since it would keep me domestic and I wouldnt get to fly across to see her. She then said she wanted to just be single for a few yrs. the. There were falling outs and patch ups. But we both just couldnt be without each other, i promise you that. Dont know what happened over time. Right till the very last day on oct 20, we both were quite intimate. But from her body language i knew something wasnt right. 10 days since, so many things cross my mind and now I can tell she was having an affair with this guy all the time probably months before our demise. Yet she would be constantly messaging me all day all night (our primary mode of communicating) last when I saw her imtold her im starting my training and enough of this long distance, I'll be returning for 2 weeks to be with you (during which I planned to propose her) and once training was over in a few months, marry her and take her to our home. Never did she ever let me know she did not want to be with me. Till the last day she was the one to pick me up from the hotel and take her to her ho,e. Where we spent intimate moments. She was the one to initiate sex. I just dont understand what happened. I turned my back and she dropped me like a brick. Coming back to youre point, I can see the point younare trying to make. She should not have been trusted from the start. She said the childs custody had to be given to the father cause she wanted the boy to stay in America if she moved. Again I see the point you are trying to make. We were in love and it was hard to see her from that perspective for me. She did bring up marriage now and then, i knew inwas always gonna marry her. I wish i had acted then, maybe she would not have gone looking elsewhere. I dont know. Some save count youre blessing, youre saved. She would do this after marriage. I'll never know. At the end of it, I feel like i wasted 6 yrs of my life not only that dug my own grave and I dont know how to get out of it.

Edited November 21, 2015 by Luvmathur

[mightycpa]

Dont know what happened over time. Right till the very last day on oct 20, we both were quite intimate.

What happened was the same thing that happened with her husband and child, and I'd pretty much wager on most every other man she's been with, and will be with.

 

Time passed, and she was ready to move on.

 

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who can commit to a relationship, and those who can't. You've hitched your wagon to one of those who can't. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. The sooner that you adjust your perceptions and expectations to accept this reality, the sooner you'll feel better. Right now, you think she sees the world the way you do. She doesn't, so try and see things the way she does.

[Luvmathur]

-Mightycpa

 

Thanks for following up with me. You are right about what she did with her husband. It was clinical and executed in the exact same fashion. Confuses me the way she turned things around. Never had a hint she had moven on. Infact after the falling out she kept messaging and calling, crying asking me to unblock her and talk to her but she would not be marrying me or anything. She was adamant "she would be a fool to not marry the new guy" after dedicating 6 yrs of my life thats what was left to hear, that she stopped loving me and hated me at times. I have accepted the bitter truth. It is over. Yet get thrown back into the past everyday. i dont think I know how she sees the world anymore. Thank you for helping me through my tough times. I appreciate your precious advice and time.

[parkwest]

Luvmathur, don't get me wrong. This has been killing me. I was still in love with this woman when she said to me she didn't love me that way anymore. She had at least a 15 month head start as far as moving on. I would be remiss if I sometimes didn't think that I would like to see a text, email, or voicemail message from her....NOT to get back together, but to give our relationship the respect that I thought it deserved. But if she was willing to cheat on me, hide it, then just dump me, I am sure there is no empathy about how I feel.

 

Having said that...it probably will not happen and I might as well wish to see a unicorn. I have a ton of women that are interested in me, but I am not going to medicate with new relationships to get over the sting of my marriage. Just like you are honing your skills as a pilot, you know that it can not be rushed. So too will be the deal with living your life without this woman in it. You can't change the past nor will you have a compelling future if you continue to live in the past. One day at a time, but don't let her occupy much of your day.