Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 A guy who wants to date me is seperated and says he's not married. I kind of see seperation as still married. Once divorced someone is no longer married. I haven't had a boyfriend in a very long time and wonder what on earth I would have in common with this guy, I myself have never been married, not even sure if I have ever really been in love. I guess, If someone has been married, I don't know what I would have in common with him. Can someone with huge relationship experience gaps or different experiences when it comes to relationships ( or lack there of) have anything in common? I am not so sure..
mystikmind2005 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I have been 'separated' since January. I am the only one who knows its definitely over, so i do not expect a woman to take my word for it, it is their choice to believe me or not, and even if they do but remain suspicious i understand that too. I do not think of myself as still married, all that is left of the marriage is a worthless piece of paper waiting to be processed by some official with a rubber stamp. 3
carhill Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Does he have children with the person he's separated from? Does he live alone?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 Does he have children with the person he's separated from? Does he live alone? yes to both those questions. I am waiting for that rubber stamp i guess. It would make me feel a lot better. I just don't think I relate well to a man whose been married before. My last boyfriend was several years ago and that was back when we were both 20. I guess when he would bring up stories of the ex wife and all her " evil ways" like he has already, I would feel quite uncomfortable as I would have nothing to share of equal value ( experience wise)
Glitters Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I started dating my current husband while I was divorcing my first husband and was separated only for 3 months. The marriage was over long before the divorce was even filed. My current husband took me for my word and it worked. He was divorced before so I guess , he understood. I guess it's difficult if the man is separated and divorcing to find a serious date rather than a woman who is in middle of divorce. Since OP, you've never been married , then I guess, it's better to find someone whose also never been married. Many divorced people don't like to talk about their previous spouses.
mystikmind2005 Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 If you have ever been taken advantage of, betrayed and heartbroken, its just as good as having been married, you will do fine 2
PegNosePete Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 A guy who wants to date me is seperated and says he's not married. Some people who were living with a partner but never married will call themselves "separated" if the relationship has ended, but they are still living in the same house for financial or childcare or other reasons. So it's possible to be unmarried but to self-identify as "separated". Not sure if that's the case here, though. You're right, if he did get married but not divorced yet then legally he is still married. wonder what on earth I would have in common with this guy Well maybe you both like skiing, playing Monopoly, touring antique fairs, fishing or go-kart racing? There are many things people can have in common. Whether someone is separated or divorced or never married is really not going to make a big difference to how much you have in common. Can someone with huge relationship experience gaps or different experiences when it comes to relationships ( or lack there of) have anything in common? Of course! As I said above, you can have many things in common. Maybe you both love cross-stitch or segway racing or monster truck rallies. There is plenty you can have in common. Whether the relationship experience gap causes issues is another question entirely. It may do. And whether it's a good idea to date a man who is separated rather than divorced is also a good question. Personally I would not date someone who is still legally married. he would bring up stories of the ex wife and all her " evil ways" like he has already, I would feel quite uncomfortable Yeah, that's pretty inappropriate thing to discuss. Remember the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. It seems he has not reached the indifference stage yet, which suggests unresolved feelings. You're obviously getting a vibe from this guy, and feeling he's not good relationship material at the moment. I would listen to your gut. But don't rule out all divorced guys... 4
WhirlwindGuy Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 No offense OP, but I don't understand how someone like you, who has been single for a while (long time maybe?) is always so skeptical about anything good coming into their lives. I am in a similar situation, dating a girl who hasn't ever been married, never really had a good relationship, and I am met with nothing but skepticism and doubt. It is tiring after a while. It is ok to just let something be good. Not everyone is going to be out to get you, I promise. Why not give it a chance?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 The relationship experiences of both of us are dissimilar and I don't see it working out very well. Would a 40 something year old date an 18 year old? I am no different than that of an 18 year old. I was 20 when I last had a relationship. I am 32 now. I have skepticism related to that naturally because of my inexperience. Plus a man who talks about his ex wife? makes me feel very uneasy if I should offer him an opinion. What do I know about relationships? I haven't ever had anyone love me before and I don't know If I have truly been in love. It just poses some deep questions. No body wants to baby sit their girlfriend. I feel he will end up doing that. Plus I could never trust a man who talks about his ex wife as alarm bells go in my head that he isn't quite over her.
LivingDeadGrl Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I don't think you should write him off because he is separated. You're 32 years old, no matter who you date at this point is going to have more experience than you if you haven't dated much. You can't live your life this way unless you want to be single forever...but if you're content with being single forever, then good luck! 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 I don't think you should write him off because he is separated. You're 32 years old, no matter who you date at this point is going to have more experience than you if you haven't dated much. You can't live your life this way unless you want to be single forever...but if you're content with being single forever, then good luck! I guess. It's just the 'relating' to him. I just don't like talking about exe's either. It makes me very uncomfortable. I have told him that I don't want to hear about his ex wife ever. He has agreed to it.
LivingDeadGrl Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 I guess. It's just the 'relating' to him. I just don't like talking about exe's either. It makes me very uncomfortable. I have told him that I don't want to hear about his ex wife ever. He has agreed to it. Well depending on how long he's been separated, unless there is an on-going dispute then he really has no reason to be going on about it. It should be okay for him to vent once in a while, if it is about custody or something of that nature. Just because you have different experiences doesn't mean anything, you can learn from it if anything. Do you like him as a person?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 18, 2015 Author Posted November 18, 2015 Well depending on how long he's been separated, unless there is an on-going dispute then he really has no reason to be going on about it. It should be okay for him to vent once in a while, if it is about custody or something of that nature. Just because you have different experiences doesn't mean anything, you can learn from it if anything. Do you like him as a person? well usually about the custody of the children but one mention of her name and it makes me detract so I ask him to not talk about it. Clean slates are clean slates. Make sure they are completely clean. He likes me more than I like him but in any courtship that's how it should be. His aim, he says is to woo and convince me. Whatever that means.
LivingDeadGrl Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 well usually about the custody of the children but one mention of her name and it makes me detract so I ask him to not talk about it. Clean slates are clean slates. Make sure they are completely clean. He likes me more than I like him but in any courtship that's how it should be. His aim, he says is to woo and convince me. Whatever that means. Well he definitely hasn't woo'ed you yet, lol. Give it time and if it still bothers you then let him go.
d0nnivain Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 His marital status doesn't really impact things you guys have in common. My husband was in the military & saw action during combat. Just because I have never killed somebody in defense of my country or otherwise doesn't mean I can't relate to him as a person. Common interests are more than your backgrounds. You are making this a stumbling block for the wrong reasons. I still see it as one because you are correct, separated is still legally married, even if headed for divorce & being single again. I dated a separated man once & got dragged through the emotional upheaval of his divorce. No thanks. I'd much rather date somebody after they got off that particular roller coaster.
kendahke Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 He likes me more than I like him but in any courtship that's how it should be. His aim, he says is to woo and convince me. Whatever that means. I think it depends upon how you truly feel about being with someone with unfinished business. I don't get the feeling from you that you're really all the interested in him. For myself, I draw the line at dealing with separated men, especially those who are not in the indifferent stage of their break ups. Why? Because if he got into an accident, I could be barred from seeing him by his wife, who he is still legally married to or being informed about his condition by the hospital. If he was full-on single, it'd be a parent, adult child or someone else he designated. How long does he intend upon remaining in this separated status?
GunslingerRoland Posted November 18, 2015 Posted November 18, 2015 Divorces can be a ridiculously complicated legal thing. Especially when children are involved, they can take years and tens of thousands in legal fees. It isn't unusual for people to hold off on the time/cost of them until they need to (often when they are getting remarried.) As for what you have in common... personally I think the fact he has kids is the much bigger question mark in what you have in common than the fact he's been married. Marriage didn't change my life much, having kids was a way bigger change.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 Divorces can be a ridiculously complicated legal thing. Especially when children are involved, they can take years and tens of thousands in legal fees. It isn't unusual for people to hold off on the time/cost of them until they need to (often when they are getting remarried.) As for what you have in common... personally I think the fact he has kids is the much bigger question mark in what you have in common than the fact he's been married. Marriage didn't change my life much, having kids was a way bigger change. I've dated men with Kids and I have always had that thought in the back of my mind like " could I really handle a man already with children?" it's not that I am opposed to it, it's just that my first I guess, proper adult relationship will be another guys second or third time around and he has children as a result of that, and sometimes I wonder if I am like really secure enough to take on someone else's children. That's all.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted November 19, 2015 Author Posted November 19, 2015 I think it depends upon how you truly feel about being with someone with unfinished business. I don't get the feeling from you that you're really all the interested in him. For myself, I draw the line at dealing with separated men, especially those who are not in the indifferent stage of their break ups. Why? Because if he got into an accident, I could be barred from seeing him by his wife, who he is still legally married to or being informed about his condition by the hospital. If he was full-on single, it'd be a parent, adult child or someone else he designated. How long does he intend upon remaining in this separated status? Well technically in New Zealand it's like 2 years legally you have to remain separated before pouring out money for a divorce. So, I don't know how I'd feel about that. He said to me the other day his strength is experience and mine will lie somewhere else but that he will need my strength when the time comes just as i need his to find and feel love again or perhaps even for the first time
Glitters Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Since there is nothing you can do about his situation , you have only 2 choices : either run the course or find another guy. He has kids , you can't change that. He has an ex wife , you can't change that either. The only thing you CAN change is , the guy. Find another, who has no ex wife , no kids. That's the only thing you can do.
Lois_Griffin Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Daisy, my number ONE rule when I was dating, was NOT to date separated men. Separated = UNFINISHED BUSINESS. You just have NO idea how 'finished' they really are. There have been so many instances of separated people getting back together again. It's so NOT worth the drama and hassle. Secondly, there are tons of married men with dating profiles lying and claiming to be 'separated' when they're NOT. They claim to be separated because they know it's too easy for people to do a little background searching on them and find out they're still legally married. Go read any infidelity board and you'll see how many wives have discovered their husbands had dating profiles claiming to be 'separated.' Problem is, none of these wives were aware of this so-called 'separation' they were supposedly in. I would avoid this crap like the plague. The PLAGUE. 1
Gaeta Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 How long he has been separated? It took 10 years for my divorce to be final. I didn't live like a nun during those 10 years, I actually had a 4 year relationship during those 10 years. I had a legal separation that protected me and my assets. The same thing happened to one of my brother. He met a separated woman. She had no clue where her ex was and no one could locate him. It took 7 years to find him then divorce him. I would judge this man in where he is at in his separation process. Has he been separated for 3 months? Then don't touch that!! you know better. Has he been separated for 2 years and it's just technicality that is holding the divorce than I'd cut him some slack. 2
Miss Peach Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 I guess when he would bring up stories of the ex wife and all her " evil ways" like he has already, I would feel quite uncomfortable as I would have nothing to share of equal value ( experience wise) This is what really bothers me. He is not over things. How he treats/thinks of her during the divorce shows you a lot about how he might treat you down the line. It's pretty rare people divorce because they have a stand up ex they get along with but it's a red flag if they are saying bad things about the ex while dating others. Either they aren't over the relationship and/or you're seeing a dark side that will come out at some point during the relationship. The being separated can mean a ton of different things. My advice is to ask lots of questions to determine how finished things really are if you want to proceed. IMO marital status and having things in common is totally different. 1
mrldii Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 Daisy, my number ONE rule when I was dating, was NOT to date separated men. Separated = UNFINISHED BUSINESS. You just have NO idea how 'finished' they really are. There have been so many instances of separated people getting back together again. It's so NOT worth the drama and hassle. Secondly, there are tons of married men with dating profiles lying and claiming to be 'separated' when they're NOT. They claim to be separated because they know it's too easy for people to do a little background searching on them and find out they're still legally married. Go read any infidelity board and you'll see how many wives have discovered their husbands had dating profiles claiming to be 'separated.' Problem is, none of these wives were aware of this so-called 'separation' they were supposedly in. I would avoid this crap like the plague. The PLAGUE. This^^^ And, it doesn't matter if he's separated and doesn't think he's married, anymore. The other part of the equation (i.e., The Wife) may still be married. A married spouse can cause more trouble for the New Person than anything the 'separated and doesn't see themselves as married' person can say, think, or do to the New Person. As to the rest of your dilemma, no two people on the face the earth have ever had the same relationship/relational experiences; it would require those two people to have been joined at the hip from birth, and sharing the same brain and heart through which to process life's experiences. Best of luck to you, OP... 1
smackie9 Posted November 19, 2015 Posted November 19, 2015 We have seen this way too many times.....he says he is separated, getting divorced but that far from the truth. A year later there is no divorced and the OP is here upset that they were strung along. 1
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