Ebony-N-ivory Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 My boyfrind and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I am black and he is white. My family is completely supportive of us. His family, however, isn't. When he first told his parents, his father was against it, but now that we've met he's fine with it and I actually feel more comfortable with him than with my bf's mom. Then I find out that, well, his Mom does have a problem with it. Her excuse is "what about the kids?" (which totally gets on my nerves!!!!! ) The main problem, however, is bf's grandfather on mom's side. He (and the others on that side minus grandmother, as a matter of fact), don't know about me. I'm like the family's little dark secret (ha, ha and i mean that litterally as well). I wanted my bf to tell him when we first got together, but he wanted his mom to do the telling. He thought it was not his place to do it. Well, earlier this week, his other grandfather passed (the side that is fine with us, father's side) and I wanted to go to the funeral but couldn't because Mom's side of the family would be there!!!!I knew that emotions were already high and sisn't want to cause any problems at a sensitive time. We had this discussion again and he told his mom about my feeling about not being able to attend and his mom said that she knew that she would have to tell her father. But this is what she said 2 years ago too. [color=red]Is there anything that I can do to help this smooth over and how can i feel more comfortable being around his mom knowing that she only wants me around when her side of the family is not?[/color] (My bf and i spend time with our families as a couple.) I honestly don't think she's going to tell him. Oh, and grandfather has been sick so that is also part of the excuse as to not tell him. My bf told me point black that he probably will not tell him and i feel like he's choosing his grandfather over me. I completely understand the blood thing and that he loves him, but I feel that he has got to live for himself and not let his grandfather dictate (or even accept) his choices in life. My bf and I have talked about marriage and kids plenty of times, but now that I look back on those times, I wonder if they're believeable due to that fact that's he'd pretty much rather loose me that to tell him grandfather. [color=0]Are these feeling valid?[/color]. PS. We are both 25.
RecordProducer Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 I hear you, hun. People make all kinds of discriminations and they all hurt, especially the ones related to the very core of your being. If he truly loves you, he will find a way to overcome his family's prejudices. But nobody knows the future. It's uncertain what will happen. I would feel the same as you as to his grandfather. I would let him know that it hurts me really bad that he is ashamed of me and hiding me as a dark secret proves how ashamed and guilty he feels. My fiance is 18 years older than me and he asked me if I feel embarrassed in front of people. It hurt me that he would even think about it. My life is my life and I don't care if somebody is upset that I am happy. I always stand behind my deeds, because if I am ashamed of them, I am ashamed of myself, in front of myself, not in front of other people. I have secrets from other people, but things related to use of alcohol, unimportant cheating, and bi-curious experiences, not related to the people I've loved. My ex-husband had a daughter from his first marriage and I was embarrassed of that. But I minded her daughter indeed. I was ashamed that he left me with two kids, but it was me who hated that, not other people.
elle naturelle Posted May 27, 2005 Posted May 27, 2005 Hey Ebony: Personally, I do not understand one bit why you are kept a secret. Who cares what colour your skin is? You are uncomfortable with this and should do something... what is the question! A few questions I would have to ask myself... 1) Are you sure you want to be a part of a family that supports discrimination? 2) How would this translate to your future children? 3) Is his grandfather in the relationship or are you? 4) No one really knows how gramps will react until they tell him. Are they making a bigger deal than it really is? I think you need to decide if this could make or break your relationship and move forward sooner than later. In terms of smoothing over, EDUCATE! Next Christmas or family gathering, bring a photo album or something of you and your boyfriend and see how people react. People must see how happy you are, what is the real CORE of their problem? My boyfriend and I are interracial... but race has never played a role in how we view people. Are they the type of family that hides secrets or doesnt face how the world is really changing in terms of relationships? Its your life and happiness... do what makes you feel right and content! If your boyfriend does not support you, then maybe he isnt ready for an interracial relationship either. Good luck!
crazy_grl Posted May 27, 2005 Posted May 27, 2005 Originally posted by elle naturelle 2) How would this translate to your future children? That's a very good point. If the family is ashamed of you, do you want your kids to be a part of a family that would be ashamed of them too? Obviously his family is a big part of his life, so they would be a big part of your children's as well. That could be a huge blow to their development and their view of themselves. I can understand him not wanting to upset his grandfather because he loves him, but if your bf knows that his grandfather's beliefs are wrong, he shouldn't make you suffer for them. If he doesn't tell him, I think this will come between you two for the rest of your lives. You'll probably always wonder in some part of your mind whether he's ashamed of you. For that reason, I think you do have to make him decide between telling his grandfather or losing you. My father is somewhat racist, and I don't care what he thinks about me dating black or latino guys. I don't do it to spite him or anything, but what he believes is wrong and I have no problem pointing that out to him.
Recommended Posts