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Need a female POV. She's supposed to be ending it tonite, but this doesn't make sense


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Posted (edited)

Hi everybody. I usually just lurk but now I find myself in need of support and advice. I'm going sick with worry right now and I think I need a female perspective on this, as I really don't have that much experience dating.

 

So the background is I've been dating this girl for about 6 months. I've never had that much game so she's the first girl I've dated anywhere near this long. She is way out of my league and I think that might be part of my problem. She's drop dead gorgeous and I think I got lucky going out with her because we live in the same apt building and I was able to become really good friends with her before asking her out. We really hit it off and I started falling in love, or at least was very infatuated, take your pick. We have so many things in common and seem to have this awesome connection, and I'm honestly thinking she could be my soul mate.

 

We've made out and done some touching, but still haven't had sex. She told me she wants to take it slower in this area because of her last (and only) relationship (he cheated on her), which is fine for me since I'm actually still a virgin (embarrassing, I know :o ). What is more a problem for me is that we are not officially exclusive yet (for the same reason). At first, I also wanted to keep it open, but by the 4th month I had no doubts and realized I love her. I told her I did and she said the same, and her actions definitely seemed to reflect that. At that point I suggested going steady, but to my surprise she still hesitated. She said she was scared of "going to the next level" because it was not too long after that that everything with her ex began going downhill, I guess he really started taking her for granted after that. I told her I understood, and I did, but I couldn't help but feel a bit dejected. I mean, how long does it really take to earn trust, after you say you love somebody?

 

Still, I tried not to press her to hard, but only tactfully suggested it over the next 2 months. Last week, she finally told me she was ready. She said she fully trusted me and she "had no doubts" that we were right for each other. I almost literally jumped for joy! But then she killed it. She asked me if we could hold off on the "exclusive thing" for a few more days. She wanted to "meet" with this one guy friend of hers one last time in order to tell him she couldn't see him anymore. She said we could go exclusive after that.

 

My heart literally sunk. I said "you mean you're dating him?". I had known about this good guy friend of hers, and I knew we weren't officially exclusive yet, but I was hurt because she had never told me she was dating someone else, which IMHO was inappropriate after telling me she loved me and how close we had got. I felt she should have at least told me about it. Her reply was that she didn't like her friend that way at all, but that he had been asking and asking her to go out, "literally begging" as she put it, and that she felt sorry for him and agreed to "go out" with him. I asked if they did anything and she replied, "Of course not! You know I don't like him that way!" Well, she had always told me this, but now I wondered. She said she just "humored" him all night and that she wouldn't even hug him or kiss him goodnite, not even touch her "one iota" as she put it. She said a week after that she did it again, again out of "pity", and that absolutely nothing happened the 2nd time either. She said she had no feelings for him whatsoever and that she had only felt sorry for him because his gf broke up with him and he was "becoming desperate". She said he just needed a shoulder to cry on.

 

I ended up believing her, because I knew that she had been friends with this guy for a long time, and his gf did dump him in a harsh way, but I still felt a bit uncomfortable. She assured me that she would break off all contact with him afterwards if that is what I needed to feel secure. I ended up telling her that that was unnecessary as I trusted her and knew they were just friends.

The plan was for her to tell him in person (she felt just a call or text would be inappropriate, and I agreed) tonite, and then tomorrow we could talk about it. We have an all-day date planned, I am taking her out for breakfast and then we going to an indoor water park. She said that he would be bowling tonite as he was in a league, and that she would go and tell him there.

 

Well, fast forward to tonite, and as I'm walking back to my apt I see this dude's car parked in the visitors spot. I knew for sure it was his, and naturally I became frightened wondering wtf he was doing there. I began thinking the worst, as I got off work early, and so normally she would know I would be gone, and I started thinking that perhaps she was doing something behind my back. I called her and she told me sorry, when she texted him telling him she was going to come see him bowling tomorrow and that she had something to tell him, he had told her that he could just pick her up and she could ride there with him, as it was on the way. She told me she accepted his offer without even thinking about it. I felt reassured, but decided to wait outside just in case, instead of just going in.

 

5 mins. 10 mins. 15 mins. wtf?! I call her and ask her why they haven't left yet. She says she's "getting ready" and acts a little bothered. 5 more mins. 10. 15. It's now been 1/2 hour after I got there. I call her back. This time, clearly irritated, she says "I'm just getting ready. Almost done. What you worrying about?" I joke with her that this isn't supposed to be a date, so just go. She says she still doesn't want to "look like sh*t". Another excruciating 20 mins later (50 mins total now), in which I almost called her again but somehow resisted, they come out. My jaw drops. She's wearing this super sexy skirt that she has never worn out because it's so revealing. It's somewhat see through and is really short, and although we are here in Jacksonville it was still out of season and looked trashy. She also looked all made up although it was dark and she was too far away to get a good look.

 

Now I'm thinking wtf!? why in the hell would you get all dolled up like that to tell your friend you can't go out with him any more? I called and texted her like 10 times and have yet to get a response. Now I'm sitting here going crazy and wondering wtf is going on with our relationship. She says and acts likes she loves me, wants to go steady, and then pulls this? Why in the world would she do this? I know she's been friends with this guy a long time and I've never had any reason until now to think it was anything more than that. I'm now having crazy thoughts thinking how long he was there before I even got there, and what the were doing for 50 mins + before they left. My mind is thinking the darkest things and I can't make it stop.

 

Ladies, does this make any sense? Would you dress like that to end it with a guy, a guy who is only a friend who you only went out twice because he needed someone to talk to after a breakup? Why would she do this? This makes absolutely no sense to me at all. :(:(:(

 

Btw, I just posted two pics of her in this dress she wore tonite because I want the ladies here (no guys please, although I know that's useless :cool: ) to give me your honest opinions. Like I said, even though she dresses to kill she told me she would "never" wear something like this in public. I only saw her in it and have these pics because she was flirting with me wearing it one night, just for fun. Do you think this means she's screwing this guy? I know she likes to flaunt it, but this is way over top, and given the situation makes me think she's got to want this guy. l mean, why wear something like that given these circumstances?

 

[link]

 

My heart is so breaking right now :( I was looking forward to spending all day with her tomorrow and now she's ruined the whole mood. :(

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
link to photos redacted ~6
Posted

She's not the one for you. She told you she loved you but that she wanted to hold off on being exclusive for a further few months. No one who really loved you would say that. It's okay to feel bad but I would say that was the first sign of her being full of crap.

  • Like 2
Posted

Well,, this is the kind of situation that really tests the difference between the men and the boys!

 

Do you know much about how dating worked in the old days? A lady would often have several 'suitors' 'courting' her, and eventually she will make a decision which one to chose.

 

Obviously the jealous guys (boys) put themselves out of contention and the guys (men) who hold their nerve are the ones who get the girl.

 

So you have to think about what you want and you have to think about what is more likely to get you there?

 

So let me ask you this, do you think reacting to your insecurities (rite or wrong) is going to get you where you want to go?

Posted

Nice dress.....:D

  • Like 1
Posted

Here's a woman's POV:

 

She's dressed like a sl*t.

 

Sorry but you need to ditch this classless woman for someone decent.

 

@mystikmind2005: Your comment just further normalizes this kind of behaviour. The problem here is not insecurity! When there is a lack of transparency between two people that are supposedly dating, someone's going to get hurt.

 

It doesnt take a genius what happened between your gf and this guy. Please dont wastr any more time playing her games. Dump!

  • Like 5
Posted (edited)

I'm sorry dude but this girl is lying and stringing you along like no tomorrow. I got suspicious right around the time she said she was cheated on. That is a classic line when you are stringing someone along. The inability to go exclusive with you was another nail in the coffin and the rest....well I'm sorry. As I said.

 

Save your heart and walk away from this one without explanation. I have no idea why she is doing what's she doing. I would never do anything like that but my honest thoughts are it's not a good situation for you. At all.

 

I've been cheated on and it never stopped me from getting into another relationship. Holding off on being physical isn't a cure for being cheated on and I have no idea why people think it is. If you're cheated on you get angry, sad and eventually over it. Then the give the next person a fair shot. Period. She's an absolute liar and intends to bang this guy into next year and have you as her backup emotional cushion while she does it.

 

Find someone decent. I absolutely disagree with the poster above that implied you were somehow less of a man because you're upset that this woman has wholesale lied to you from start to finish. Let me tell you, love isn't a competition, never has been, never should be. You find the person who's committed to you and no other and you date them. Lining up for your 'turn' is for a whorehouse, not a relationship. Women are never so rare nor so special that you should turn yourself inside out to get one.

Edited by Buddhist
  • Like 3
Posted

Does that picassa album show your real name on it? You might want to delete/change that.

 

6 months is a long time for just some "touching".

 

You calling 10x isn't so great. Weird that she would dress up like that after she said to you she wouldn't dress up like that to go out in public.

 

It is also weird that you were waiting/watching for her to come out. You are too emotionally involved in all of this. You think that she is "out of your league" is going to screw things up for you.

Posted

Well I guess we know why the other guy is begging to go out with her.

 

No, dressing like that is dressing for "action" - if you were going to end whatever it was with the other guy, why would you dress to the nines to do so? Right.

 

OP, you have to let this one go, and you know it. The fact that you are posting here asking the obvious, you know what you have to do.

 

She's trouble.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you all for you advice. Still sick to my stomach over here. :sick: She still hasn't responded to my texts, so obviously I am going to have to wait until tomorrow to confront her about this.

 

Crucible, I know about her relationship with her ex, and it would make sense for her to do that. He was her first and they were together a long time, but right after things got serious he really took her for granted and screwed her. But yes, after 4 months it's like wtf. But given this history I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

 

But even if you are right, I don't even know what is going on yet, and I have a lot invested in this now, so I'm afraid of being too accusatory. It's like, I know what she wore tonite was ridiculously slutty (even for her) and highly inappropriate considering what she was supposed to be doing, but she does like to dress like that and wears stuff like that all the time, so believe it or not it might not prove anything.

 

So Mystiik, you really think I am being insecure? So how should I act tomorrow? I should just act like I don't care when I ask her how it went? And just wait to bring it up and do it casually? And do you even think I should have texted her tonite? I know 20 texts does seem weak, doesn't it? :(

 

I know I may sound like a pus*y, but that is only because this is my first real gf, and I really thought I was falling in love. I got the balls to man it up tomorrow and act nonchalant and uncaring if that's really what you think I should do. I may be a pus*y but trust me, she's not going to see me shed any tears either way, I don't care if she tells she fcking banged him all nite long. :cool:

 

Actually, tho, I really am getting physically sick to my stomach over here right now. It feels really weird. I never felt like this before. I actually think I'm gonna vomit.

Posted (edited)

This is simple. This woman was lying and misleading you, almost certainly the entire 6 months that you were dating. This is due to immaturity and low-character on her part. She wanted to have both you AND the friend--and maybe there was another guy or two in there too.

 

Now, taking time to decide whether to become exclusive is someone's prerogative. But a woman with character wouldn't have strung you along and she certainly would not have lied to you as this one did. This woman was leading you to believe that you and she had something special when in reality she was giving the best of herself to her "friend". Not cool at all.

 

Anyway, your instincts were spot-on about something being up, at least after she mentioned her friend. (I already had a gut feeling that she was sleeping with someone else though, when I read that you and she haven't had sex after 4 months.) The calling 10x was much but this was done anyway. I absolutely can see why you are pissed. Now it's time to go No Contact. Ignore her from now on.

 

Someone such as herself can't be trusted. I mean, next time she tells you she is hanging out with a guy who is "just a friend" are you really going to believe her? How can you have a relationship with someone like that?

 

You are FAR better off without her.

 

ETA: First breakups hurt man. Believe me I've been there lol. As far as "how you should handle tomorrow", my answer is, you don't. You're done with her. She showed her true colors. You deserve better. Come on here and post instead.

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 6
Posted

She's not fu ckin with him she's fu ckin with you......kick her ass to the curb.

 

Your first GF is not GF material...she's a user/loser.

  • Like 5
Posted

You definitely shouldn't be losing your virginity to this one.....you will regret it.

Posted
Thank you all for you advice. Still sick to my stomach over here. :sick: She still hasn't responded to my texts, so obviously I am going to have to wait until tomorrow to confront her about this.

 

Crucible, I know about her relationship with her ex, and it would make sense for her to do that. He was her first and they were together a long time, but right after things got serious he really took her for granted and screwed her. But yes, after 4 months it's like wtf. But given this history I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

 

But even if you are right, I don't even know what is going on yet, and I have a lot invested in this now, so I'm afraid of being too accusatory. It's like, I know what she wore tonite was ridiculously slutty (even for her) and highly inappropriate considering what she was supposed to be doing, but she does like to dress like that and wears stuff like that all the time, so believe it or not it might not prove anything.

 

So Mystiik, you really think I am being insecure? So how should I act tomorrow? I should just act like I don't care when I ask her how it went? And just wait to bring it up and do it casually? And do you even think I should have texted her tonite? I know 20 texts does seem weak, doesn't it? :(

 

I know I may sound like a pus*y, but that is only because this is my first real gf, and I really thought I was falling in love. I got the balls to man it up tomorrow and act nonchalant and uncaring if that's really what you think I should do. I may be a pus*y but trust me, she's not going to see me shed any tears either way, I don't care if she tells she fcking banged him all nite long. :cool:

 

Actually, tho, I really am getting physically sick to my stomach over here right now. It feels really weird. I never felt like this before. I actually think I'm gonna vomit.

 

Well, I'm just trying to help you get the girl,,, not really looking beyond that like some other posters are, and in which case, they are probably right!

 

I look back on my life to the situations of girls i could have banged but all the intense emotions got in the way, so i missed out and i do regret those lost opportunities.... a girl like this,,, if it works out or not, would you regret not banging that? I know i would!

 

Anyway, don't act non caring, act chivalrous and respectful :)

Posted

So Mystiik, you really think I am being insecure? So how should I act tomorrow? I should just act like I don't care when I ask her how it went? And just wait to bring it up and do it casually? And do you even think I should have texted her tonite? I know 20 texts does seem weak, doesn't it? :(

 

Yes, 20 texts is out of control. Screams insecurity. She's with another guy while you are sending her all these texts and calling her and are so worried about what she's doing. And she "loves" you but is ignoring you? I mean, think about that. Women who love a man don't act like that. You have been played. You have wasted six months of your life.

 

Lose her number.

 

And next time, don't wait six months for a girl to "decide" (which frankly she never did) to be exclusive with you. It doesn't take that long. I'm curious, have you been giving her money?

  • Like 3
Posted

Why are you asking for womens views only? It won't take a certain gender for people to see she's screwing with you. And you're being a doormat by acting the way you are. When a certain woman spots a doormat, she will never respect you, will screw with you as much as she can and will smile in your face the entire time. Grow a pair and get rid of her. Maybe the guy she's poking around with behind your back isn't so much a doormat. Imagine them both laughing at you, get mad, and get rid.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

I was just thinking of something else right now that really bothers me. :eek: I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier, otherwise I could have confronted her about it.

 

WHY THE F*** COULDN'T SHE JUST HAVE TOLD HIM RIGHT THEN AND THERE, WHILE THEY SPENT WHO KNOWS HOW LONG IN HER APT?!?! I so should have brought it up while I was on the phone with her! What the hell was the point of her having to even go to the bowling alley in the first place? Once he was there she should have just told him and been done with it. We could have even went out together ourselves that night. :(

 

Or do you think she just was in the mood to go out and have some fun, so she just went ahead and followed through on going? I know how she is, she likes going out and stuff, so maybe that is all there is to it? I know by now most of you here probably think I'm the biggest tool ever, but I know how much she likes socializing so I admit in the back of my mind I'm still hoping for the best.

 

My f**king god my mind is RACING right now....

Posted

Ok I am only going to focus on your immediate next moves. Do not call her. Do not text her. Do not stalk her. Do not email her. You blew up her phone and then blew it up again. Nothing to do but wait for her to contact you.

  • Like 3
Posted
I'm curious, have you been giving her money?

 

 

 

Good question. OP, want to answer that?

 

In the meantime, you need to COOL down. Don't even initiate contact with her tomorrow. No point. Please don't keep texting her tomorrow. Even if she follows up from your messages tonight I think you need to relax and take a break from communicating with her until you get your head on straight.

Posted

Go no contact. She is history. I wouldn't believe anything that came out of her mouth. So many lies.

 

Don't waste one more day with this one. Walk away and don't let her weasel her way back in. Turn off your phone if you have to. Spend time with friends and family, or doing something interesting to take your mind off of this.

 

This girl sounds toxic.

  • Author
Posted
And next time, don't wait six months for a girl to "decide" (which frankly she never did) to be exclusive with you. It doesn't take that long. I'm curious, have you been giving her money?

 

Clia, this has really triggered me. I had already thought about this myself. I don't "give" her money, but since we've got closer I have started spending a lot more money on her, not to mention devoting a lot more of my time to helping her out, like fixing her car and stuff. I know you're thinking TOOL but she does seem appreciative and as I inherited a lot of money recently I don't really mind. I guess that's just how I was raised, I'm not going to be cheap with a girlfriend, serious or not, if I have enough money to do otherwise. But I admit I have been wondering recently if perhaps she really could just be completely using me and lying to me about her feelings the whole time. I mean, probably over 1/2 of our dates have basically come down to me taking her out shopping for stuff, and believe, her tastes are not cheap. And I do a LOT of things for her now like fixing her car, painting her apt, fixing her computer, etc, and since she lost her job I've even been paying her rent/utilities until she gets back on her feet. I could easily see how I could have been being played all this time.

 

But if that is so I swear to you guys she has got to be the greatest actress ALL TIME. I know I'm probably sounding like the biggest tool ever, and I know if I read this myself and didn't know any better I'd think the same thing, but honestly her words and actions seem completely real and genuine to me. I've been played before by a few girls, so please don't assume I'm that stupid. I mean, I know there's a chance, but it is FAR from obvious, believe me, no matter how this post might sound.

Posted

I didn't read all the replies, but she clearly cares little for your feelings and is completely jerking you around.

 

My ex did this to me and did it in the reverse (where she was with me purposefully ignoring the guy she left me for who was continually texting her)

 

Literally the best thing to do is disappear on her, destroy that ego of hers that is overflowing with joy right now.

  • Like 1
Posted
I don't "give" her money, but since we've got closer I have started spending a lot more money on her, not to mention devoting a lot more of my time to helping her out, like fixing her car and stuff.

 

Yep you've been giving her money.

 

I could easily see how I could have been being played all this time.

 

Thank goodness for that before your entire inheritance is gone.

 

But if that is so I swear to you guys she has got to be the greatest actress ALL TIME. I know I'm probably sounding like the biggest tool ever, and I know if I read this myself and didn't know any better I'd think the same thing, but honestly her words and actions seem completely real and genuine to me.

 

She doesn't have to be the worlds best actress and you don't have to be stupid either. Better people than you have been played like this. Once hormones, the possibility of your very first girlfriend who also happens to be hot, kicks in your very own chemical factory will take over. It's nature's cruel joke I'm afraid and we've all been there.

 

Love is not only blind, it is deaf, dumb and stupid as well. Cut your losses before you lose all you have gained by your inheritance. Put that money towards your home, where a real honest girlfriend will one day reside as your wife. Don't spend it on ungrateful and scheming women who will empty your pockets without conscience.

  • Like 2
Posted

She posed in that dress for you, and I'm specifically talking about the rear view, yet you weren't having sex with her? On top of everything else, she's a huge *****tease. Lose the pictures, and lose her.

  • Like 2
Posted

Oh come on, OP.

 

She is dating this guy. She is lying to you. You are being played big time. (And yes, I'm a woman too)

 

P.S.: She has awful taste in shoes

  • Like 4
Posted

yea, she is definitely a player - and as far as acting goes, forget it, with this type, it is not an act, it is instinctive i think?

 

But still, definitely worth trying to tap that ass before moving on! a bit of chivalry and respect might get you there - so long as you don't invest too much more emotionally and especially financially!

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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